Fat Actress. We don’t have Showtime, but I had thought that I might get it so I could watch the show. That was before I saw Kirstie Alley on some news show last week, interviewed by Matt Lauer, and was reminded anew at just how incredibly fucking annoying she is. I think she’s going for “funny and sassy”, but her act wears thin (har!) after about two and a half minutes. She was annoying on Cheers, she was annoying in all those Pier 1 commercials, and now that she’s all over the place flogging her new show, she’s annoying times ten. “Oh, look at me! I am funny and sassy and zany!”, and all the while her crazy eyes are twirling in every direction. And you know what? FUCK YOU, Matt Lauer. Okay? Fuck you for this exchange right here: Lauer: So you threw yourself back into being a mother, and the version I read from time to time is that included spending times in the kitchen. And you like to cook and you like to bake. And I guess you like to eat. Wow, that’s incisive, intelligent, brilliant, DEEP reporting right there, isn’t it? “I guess you like to eat.” No shit, Matt. Ya think? Ya think she might like to eat? Because even though she’s been howling from the top of every fucking building “I’m fat because I eat too much”, I thought for sure she’d try to lay it off on her thyroid or genetics. But not with Bloodhound Lauer on the case. No one fools YOU, Matt. I don’t know – have you been talking to my friend Sean in Lakewood, NJ? Y’all seem to share the same kind of intelligence. Also, Matt Lauer, FUCK YOU especially for this one: Alley: The thing about gaining weight is it doesn’t happen, you know you don’t gain 70 pounds in two weeks. Lauer: But how do you get to 200 pounds from 130-something and not know you’re getting too much heavier? Alley: I don’t think you pay much attention to yourself. Lauer: How about when you get dressed in the morning? What about when you step out of the shower? Alley: First of all, when I step out of the shower, there’s no mirrors so it doesn’t make any difference. But what you don’t know about me is I usually wear pajamas, skinny or fat. Lauer: How about when you’re bending down to pick something up and it’s hard? Alley: Well, I haven’t hit that yet. I’m not saying I’m not stupid about it. I think people can actually be sort of dumb and I think I’m serious. I’d sit in an airplane. I’d go, look at it. They’re really screwing us in first class. This seat is smaller than a coach seat. And I’m sort of Duh.” do you know? Don’t you think you could have just shortened this exchange by simply saying “How were you fooling yourself about turning into a FAT FUCKING COW, Kirstie Alley? Don’t you think there was some denial going on there?”, Matt? Much simpler, and then you could have devoted much more time to the tabloids or just EXACTLY how fat she is or just HOW LONG it’s been since she’s had sex because she loathes her body so much that she can’t stand the thought of being with a man until she’s lost weight. Because the idea that fat is bad and horrifying and disgusting and how DID you let yourself get SO fucking fat? hasn’t been crammed down my throat often enough over the past 36 years; please try to clarify the horror of Kirstie Alley’s “extra” 70 pounds, Matt Lauer, if you don’t mind. Oh, and while you’re at it, would you please bite me? Thanks.
“Maybelle! I said, ‘Where the hell is my beer?'”
You know, Kirstie, or howeverthefuck she spells her name, annoyed me MUCH more than Matt. Did you read her article in People? Insipid.
Regarding Phil’s crotch. I’m *always* looking at it, for some strange reason.
what!?! Don’t look at me that way.
You are SO not the only one who noticed Phil’s crotch. I turned to Natalie and said “Phil has camel toe!!” Those were some *awfully* tight pants that man was wearing.
As for Kirstie Alley, bleah.
Robyn,
I noticed Phil’s pants too. I think they were very tailored and almost TOO tight!!
Kirstie just signed up to be Jenny Craig’s new spokesperson. That, in and of itself, is enough to make her persona non-grata in my book. And did you see Oprah’s “wildest dreams” show when she rebuilt Kirstie’s kitchen? Hello, Oprah, I think you’re great and all, but why would you give a $100K kitchen makeover to a rich woman?
Didn’t notice Phil’s crotch. Did want to hurl the remote through the television each and every time Jonathan opened his freaking yap though.
Oh, and in case you missed it: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is being released on July 16th. How pathetic is it that I went and pre-ordered on Amazon the minute I heard? (40% off, baby!)
I’m with you…FUCK MATT LAUER…Kirstie Alley is annoying, but Matt was just plain RUDE, he made me cringe
Oh and of course Kirstie has signed a deal with Jenny Craig! She doesn’t want to be the Fat Actress anymore, so they will follow her progress and she’ll keep a blog on their site. Getting fat was the best thing she could have done for her failing career!
Yeah, Matt Lauer is not the most insightful interviewer, is he? Even my darling 71 year-old mother who hardly ever says bad things about people on TV (she even likes Regis Philbin, for cryin’ out loud) has noticed what an insensitive boob he is. According to Mom, Matt is always asking questions like: How did it *feel* when you (insert horrifying life-changing event here)? How did it *feel* when you lost your leg in a mortar attack? How did it *feel* when your child was killed in a car accident? How did it *feel* when you got so mad at the interviewer on the Today show for asking stupid questions that you wanted to rip his smirking head off? After she mentioned it I started paying attention and noticed she was right.
I HATE the “how do you feel” questions!!! Hopefully, I’m never in the position, but I am ever interviewed by a reporter who asks me one of those questions, I will snarl at him/her: “How the FUCK do you think I feel you moron?!!!”
I’m convinced that reporters ask that question because they can’t come up with a real, thoughtful question to ask.
Yeah, I noticed the crotch too, or more to the point, the fact that it looked like he was smuggling a couple of hamsters in his pants.
Robyn,
I happened to watch the EXACT snippet you quoted and I was thinking the EXACT SAME THING. I couldn’t believe the way he was practically brow-beating her about how disgusting he seemed to think she is. Also, don’t you just love the way she seems to be playing this whole thing off? Some sort of spokesperson for the fat masses, but skinny people should like her, too, because she hates herself for being fat.
And don’t even get me started about the term ‘fat sex’!
I’ve been reading you for a month or so, and I think you and Fred are great! “Bloodhoud Lauer” CRACKED ME UP!
Amen to the Matt Lauer comments!! I so wish he would pack on some pounds so someone could sit him down and ask him stupid,obvious questions. Maybe someone could interview him about his receeding hairline!
I missed the amazing race last night because I didn’t realize it was on at a different time and it made me mad. I like thinking about Phil’s crotch…I think he’s cute…come on, you think he is too….as for Jonathan…can’t stand him, can’t stand him at all…he’s so incredibly rude to Victoria and I don’t know how she puts up with him…it must be that charm thing Phil was talking about in his diary. Have a very Merry Christmas to everyone especially all of the people and kitties in the BitchyPoo household.
I noticed Phil’s crotch too!!! I thought it was just me….
Um… I normally notice Phil’s crotch anyway (shut up), but yes, it DID seem especially noticeable last night. And that’s a nice thing…
I have watched every week of The Amazing Race, including last night, and I can’t BELIEVE I didn’t notice Phil’s crotch! I must be blind, huh? Its probably because my 3 year old and 4 month old are out of town with my parents and I’m just left in a daze sitting around with nothing to do but watch tv. I’m going to have to go back and watch the DVR to see what you guys are talking about!
The thing that annoys me the most about the Kirstie Alley “fat actress media blitz” is the fact that she has the absolute balls to say she weighs 203 pounds. Let’s be serious Kirstie. That’s a few too light if you ask me.
Honey, I know from 203 pounds, and you ain’t it.
AMEN! I ranted about this crazy bitch in my blog a while ago, and shut the damned interview off in a huff right around the part you quoted.
And Matt, what the hell has happened to your hair? Did you not notice how FUCKING ugly it is now that you’re damn near bald?
Bah.
Yeah, when I heard today on the morning radio show I listen to that Kirstie wanted to lose “50-70 lbs. with Jenny Craig before her show airs next spring,” I about threw up in my car. And it wasn’t from morning sickness either!
Love the Phil-ster. Yummmmmmmmm!
Happy Holidays!!
I agree with Jessica. I have been thinking Kirstie had to weigh at least 250 at her heaviest, or the rags have doctored the photos. And I agree about Oprah remodeling her kitchen. That was money that could have gone to a worthy cause.
I think I shall refer to Ol’ Mr. Lauer as Shallow Halauer from now on.
Excuse me now while I roll around in Crisco and cinnamon sugar and have me some fat sex.
Your readers are the figgin best!
I thought I was the only one that noticed Phil’s crotch!! *whew* Now I feel so much better! 🙂
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
So, I’m not the only female in America who HATES the untalented Matt Lauer. I swear, if he wasn’t banging Katie Couric, NBC would have dumped him a long time ago.
Matt Lauer sucks, I’ve hated him for years! He’s just an asshole….
Lauer has sucked forevah. He’s a schmo. I haven’t watched him in ages because of his massive suckitude. And Kirstie’s no prize either. A pox on the both of them.
As to Phil, not only did I notice his crotch, I turned to my husband and said “Phil dresses right, and he wants the world to know!” I don’t know what was up with the pants but what a delightful few moments of television. (They nearly made up for that crappy ending.)
Not only does Robyn Rock, all her readers Rock roo!! I have been laughing my fat kirstie ass off!!! I don’t know Matt, feels GOOD to laugh my ass off heeeee!
Now I’m scooby doo what’s up with the “rocks roo?” Need to lose weight in my fingers LOL!
Well, I am not a TV watcher, Noggin does not count, so I cannot comment on Phil the C-man….
But Jessica – Kirstie claims she is 203?!!
Har har har de har! I must be 130 then! Yippee!!
Phil’s camel toe? Yeah, I guess that’s what it was cause I noticed it too. LOL He was on another station the other night and said he was renewing his wedding vows “underwater” and then the camera turned to this 80 year old guy skiing barefoot, and Phil said that was the kind of person he needed at the ceremony. Weird interview. Anyhoo, I was wondering if something had him turned on or what as he was walking down that hill on TAR then I relaized I was terrible to be thinking dirty thoughts. heh
I totally noticed the crotch within SECONDS of him appearing. Thank you for saying so too. 🙂
Hi Robyn. I noticed Phil’s crotch too. I was distracted by Jonathon’s domestic violence. He should be arrested and taken off of the show. He is a narcisstic, violent jerk with a sense of entitlement the size of Texas. Yeah, Matt Lauer interviewing style leaves something to be desired.
Robyn, I have a confession to make: I USED to love the TODAY SHOW. After the Clinton debacle and during 2000 election news, I completely crossed the program off my schedule. I only watch FOX NEWS…fair and balanced! :o) NBC (especially Katie) is so biased she makes me ill. Matt always tried to be fair, but couldn’t quite pull it off. In other words, don’t get me started on the TODAY SHOW…UGH!
Hope your holiday is full of fun and happy surprises!
P.S. My card to you will be late…long story.
I saw it too! Was nearly screaming “looky here . . I am sexay!!!”
What was up with “To Be Continued” ????