::urrrrrrrrrp:: “Oh! ‘Scuse me!”
“POO! That was kind of nasty.”
“No kidding, bro. That was nasty, Poo. NASTY!”
“NAAAAAAASTYYYYYYYYY!”
“Seriously, Poo. That was kind of gross.”
“Y’all shut UP. I don’t hear you complaining when you run around FARTING on everyone.”
“Our farts smell good. No one wants to smell your stank-breath tuna belches. God, that’s nasty. You’ve turned me into a zombie with your nastiness.”
“Braaaaaaaaainsss. BRAAAAAINS!!!”
“Yeah, me too! I’m a zombie! BRAAAAAINSSS!”
“Shut up. God. Why couldn’t I have been an only kitten? Why did I have to have to have YOU GUYS as little brothers?”
“Look, you killed me with your stank breath! I’m laying here dead!”
“Um, Tommy, you’re not really dead, are you? Because you look dead!”
“::whisper:: Shhhhhh, Shoogie! I’m pretending. I just look so dead ’cause I’m a really good actor, and as soon as The Momma realizes it, I’m going to make us a lot of money in commercials and stuff. I’m going to demand a hundred million thousand ten dollars to pretend to be dead, and then I’m going to buy you and me all the Cheerios we can eat! /::whisper:: I’M DEAD BECAUSE OF POO-PIE’S STANK BREATH!”
“SHUT UP, Tommy, you little asshole, or I’m going to come over there and pound you into the ground, and then you really WILL be dead!”
“Uh ohhhhhhhh, she said a bad word! She called you a bad name!”
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Poo called me a bad name and she hurt my feelings and she SAID A BAD WORD!”
“Shut up, asswipe, she’s not even home. GOD. She left five minutes ago to get a fountain Diet Coke at McDonald’s, and she’ll be so jazzed on caffeine and fountain soda goodness that she won’t care WHAT I called you, or whether your stupid little baby feelings were hurt. SO HA!”
“She’s got you there, bro.”
“I don’t care. She’s just jealous because I’m so pretty and she’s a big ugly brat with a permanent sneer and a messed-up eye and NASTY NASTY STANK BREATH. I’m still totally telling The Momma when she gets back, and she’s going to spank your behind until you cry like a little baby.”
“I. Hate. You.”
“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, your presence at this news conference
is greatly appreciated. The Senator will make a short speech, and then there
will be a ten minute question-and-answer period. Please try not to drag it out,
folks. The Senator has a meeting this afternoon he can’t possibly miss. Without
further delay, I present to you the next President of the United States of America,
Stanley J. Boogerton!”
(Applause)
“Thank you, Miss Pootstein. Members of the press, thank you for attending
today. As you may have already guessed, I’d like to discuss the new initiative
I’m putting before Congress right now. Although sponsoring the No Kitten Left
Behind Initiative has taken time away from my campaign, I think it’s vitally
important to the young people of our nation, and a mentally stronger, more educated
youth can only be a boon to our future. I believe you all received the detailed
package describing every element of this new initiative, is that correct, Miss
Pootstein?”
“Sir, that’s correct, every reporter has a copy of the initiative.”
“Excellent. Now, I assume you’ve all had a moment to look through the
packets. Are there questions?”
“Senator, Spot J. And3rson from the Washington Journal. I’d like to ask
if you’d like to respond to the allegations made by a young African-American
kitten earlier today.”
“I… allegations? I’m sorry, no one has informed me of any allegations
made by anyone. Miss Pootstein, do you know what he’s talking about?”
“Sir, I have no idea.”
“Senator, a young African-American kitten named Thomas J. Cullen has alleged
that you acted inappropriately with him on several occasions.”
“Mr. And3rson, is it? I’ve heard nothing of any allegations, and I think
that you bringing up these supposed “allegations” when I’m trying
to focus the attention on a very important initiative is outrageous.”
“ABsolutely outrageous!.”
“OutRAGEous, I say!”
“So you’re saying that you deny the allegations, Senator?”
“Absolutely I do! I categorically deny any inappropriate behavior with
ANY child. I VEHEMENTLY deny it!”
“I have pictures in my possession, Senator. Pictures given to me by Thomas
J. Cullen’s mother personally. Take a look at these.”
“Mr. And3rson, I can state without a doubt that those pictures are complete
and utter fakes! This press conference is over. Miss Pootstein, please join
me in the other room.”
“YOU TOLD ME THOSE PICTURES HAD BEEN DESTROYED! We paid
a ton of money, she gave us the roll of film, and you were supposed to
see that the roll was destroyed!”
“Sir, I swear to god, I don’t know what happened! They were supposed to
be destroyed immediately, by shredding first and then by fire!”
“Well, who the hell did you task with destroying the film?”
“I… oh my god!”
:gasp:
“NOOOOOOOOOO!”
“What? Who? WHO DID YOU HAVE DO IT?”
“Your half brother, Spanky G. Pyle!”
“WHAT?”
“Sir, I’m SO SORRY! I thought for sure it was such an easy task even HE
couldn’t mess it up!”
“Pootstein, do you KNOW what you’ve done? This is the absolute end of
my career, and they’re going to toss me in jail!”
“Sir, I…”
“Get away from me, woman. I never want to see your face again!”
“Pyle! SPANKY G. PYLE, where are you?!”
“Hrm?”
“Spanky, what the HELL have you done?! What did you do with that roll
of film I gave you to destroy?!”
“Destroy? You wanted me to destroy that?”
“Yes, DESTROY! What did you do with it?!”
“Oh… Well, I made copies and sent them back to the lady you wanted me
to send the money to. Is that bad?”
“Pyle, if I were you, I’d pack my bags and run for the hills. Boogerton
is going to have a hit man kill you slowly and painfully.”
(Spanky G. Pyle, on the run)
“Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, Senator Stanley J. Boogerton would
like to announce that he is withdrawing from the Presidential race due to an
illness in the family. He requests that you give he and his family time and
space to deal with this for now. Thankyou, goodnight, I’m sorry there’ll be
no questions.”
(Annoying Sarah Jessica Parker GAP commercial. She enjoys being a girl.)
“Oh, I can’t believe I forgot to tell you this! I was listening to the radio this morning…”
(Listening. Subtly hiding 16 chins with hand.)
“And Sarah Jessica Parker was going somewhere or coming home from somewhere, and she got out of her limo, and they snapped a picture of her.”
“She wasn’t wearing her wedding ring!”
“Brrrrrp?”
“Don’t shoot the messenger, Bessie.”]]> 
Begin countdown.
Five seconds.
Twenty seconds.
Twenty-three seconds.
Twenty-five seconds.
Thirty seconds.
The magic has apparently worn off, and now Spanky’s allowed to lay in the box lid.
“I wonder what Spanky would do if I got closer to him.”
(He ran away, that’s what.)
Tubby shows off his pink belly.
“Meh. MEH. Meh!”
“Meeeeeeeeeh.”
“Hey.. what the hell is this on my monitor?”
“The smell of him drives me crrrrrrrazy!”
“Mom, what’s the deal? Why’s this guy hanging out in my space? Why do I feel like I must kick his ass?”
“Right there… I’m going to smack him right there and see what happens.”
“I have kicked his ass, but still it smells like him up here…”
“I think I’ll just hang out and clean myself… Wha? You again? Hey, you’re laying on my sock. That’s MY sock!”
“I’ll teach you to mess with my sock, you bastard!”
“And THIS is another place you don’t want to be, buddy! This is MY bag, mine! Not yours, mine. Keep your mitts off, mister!”
The victor, by a Paw O’ Doom: Miz Poo.
(this time around, at least…)
(Two days later, check out who’s stalking Miz Poo as she lays unsuspecting, enjoying the sun…)]]> 
Whilst Fancypants sat and looked hugely disgusted at having to wait his turn.
Seeing that Miz Poo wasn’t going to vacate the bandana anytime soon, he settled on a substitute – an old sock filled with catnip laying a few inches away.
Miz Poo settled in for the long haul, spreading to cover as much bandana space as possible.
Half an hour later, Miz Poo finally wandered off to eat, and so Fancypants (still appearing rather disgusted) took the chance to claim the bandana for his own.
]]> 
"Hey! You! You can’t have that camera in here! This meeting is closed to the public! It’s a private kitty meeting!"
Miz Poo: "Hey! Can you hear me? Turn it off or I’ll turn it off myself!"
Cameraman: "Dude! Don’t touch the camera unless you want to pay for it! DUDE!"
Tubby: "Man. I’m glad it’s not MY ass she’s kicking…"
Tubby: "So, while she’s busy. You want to kill her after we kill the Momma, or should we have Spot do it?"
Spanky: "Duhr?"
]]>