An acidic and hostile place: since 1999
* * * Y’all are a crafty sort. If one wanted to make one’s own cards for Christmas 2003, using a certain picture (no, you may not see it. Mostly because I haven’t taken it yet), is there a place (preferably online), where you can buy, basically, blank cards that come with envelopes that you can decorate as you wish? (Note: I’m a dumbass. It never occurred to me to check at Michael’s! Duhhhhh…) Tell me, for I am clueless when it comes to these things.
* * * I ended up waiting until after ten to go out in the back yard with the drill. Why would I go into the back yard with a drill, you ask? Am I building a small barn to house all the kitties I want to kidnap from the pet store? Am I building a small barn to house Tubby’s tubby ass? Am I building a small building to which to banish Fred’s ass when he gets particularly gassy? Alas, no. None of these are being built in our back yard. I went into the back yard with the drill because years ago I bought a drill attachment (I see that it’s apparently called a “bulb auger”) to dig holes to plant bulbs – it’s an attachment for that very purpose, you see – and forgot that we had it when I planted the daffodil bed last Fall. The daffodil bed, which was really too small for 30 bulbs, and so the daffodils that grew there were all crowded and unhappy. So this time around, each daffodil bulb got plenty of space and it’s own little hole, along with a shot of fertilizer, and topped off with a nice little layer of mulch. If that don’t make ’em happy, nothing will. The entire time I was using the drill – it’s a very powerful drill, have I mentioned? – an obnoxious voice in the back of my head and yelling “LA LA LA. WOULDN’T IT SUCK IF YOU HIT A ROCK OR A PIECE OF CONCRETE AND THE DRILL FLEW UP AND THE BULB-DIGGING PIECE WENT IN YOUR EYE, AND YOU WERE TOO SURPRISED TO STOP PRESSING THE BUTTON, AND SO IT DUG INTO YOUR EYE SOCKET AND SHATTERED IT? WOULDN’T THAT SUCK? HERE, THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINE IT WOULD LOOK LIKE, AND THIS IS HOW I IMAGINE IT WOULD FEEL.” That’s the same voice that, when I’m walking down the stairs with a large armload full of stuff, whispers “Wouldn’t it suck if you fell down the stairs and landed on the top of your head and were paralyzed, and then lived to a ripe old age, wouldn’t that just suck, huh? Especially if you were laying there for hours before the spud got home, and then when she got home, she’d fling the door open and smack you in the top of the head again, and you’d go blind, and you’d be paralyzed and blind and live a really long life. That would just suck, it would.” In any case, I did NOT hit a rock or piece of concrete with the drill, and I did not shatter my eye socket, which I am pleased to report. And I got those damn bulbs planted, and they’d better grow some gorgeous-ass daffodils, is all I have to say.
Miz Poo is always careful to clean between her toes…
here: 1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon and early evening c) late at night A. In the morning, but only because I’ve been trained by Himself to be a morning person. If given my druthers, I’d probably stay up until 2 am and sleep ’til noon. 2. You usually walk a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly D. I have stubby legs, and can’t go that fast, y’all. Plus, if you don’t keep your head down, how will you know whether there’s something on the ground in front of you, to trip you up? 3. When talking to people you a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair C. Though actually, I think I mostly let my arms dangle by my side. 4. When relaxing, you sit with a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you C. Because that’s most comfortable, but if we’re talking about on a plane, or sitting next to someone else, I usually sit with my knees bent and my legs neatly side by side. 5. When something really amuses you, you react with a) a big, appreciative laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile A. Unless I’m in public or with people I don’t know – in which case I chuckle quietly. 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed C. Because I don’t want everyone staring at the dorkiness that is me. 7. You�re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you�re interrupted; you a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes C. Vary, because it depends on what I’m doing. 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray C. Yellow. 9. When you are in bed at night, just before going to sleep, you lie a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers C. I also hug a pillow. During the night I flip onto my stomach for a little while, but most of the time I’m on my side. 10. You often dream that you are a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant C. I wish I had more flying or floating dreams, though. My score added up to 35, which means: 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who�s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken. Mostly true, I suppose, though I don’t know that “sensible” always describes me.
And I always wonder why there’s so much cat fur on the bedspread…
Spanky watches me write my entry, and offers constructive criticism. “More kitty pics, Mom! More kitty pics!”
Grudgingly, grumpily, I said “Why, that looks an awful lot like the picture on eBay.”
Return address? The White House. But it’s postmarked Crawford, TX, where George and Laura have a ranch. Oh, I certainly remember the good times, sitting around the fire and making fun of Al Gore (George does a mean imitation) and Tom Daschle, and trying to pretend Laura and George weren’t groping each other.
The front of the card. I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but rumor has it that Bill Clinton used a certain appendage to play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” during the 1997 Christmas party.
That Laura always did have such nice handwriting.
Hallmark. When you care enough to use taxpayers’ money to send the very best. Honestly? I’m touched. I really am.
Doesn’t actually look all that new and unused, does it? Looks, actually, like someone’s been taking it out of their attic every year for ten years and using the tree and then putting it back into the attic, doesn’t it?
But that’s fine. As long as the tree looked halfway decent from the street, I would be happy.
And then I put it together, plugged all the parts into all the other parts, and then I stomped and screamed and called Fred and used the “C” word, and stomped some more, and got even more pissed.
The received
Carrie. About The Tree 1. When do you put up the Christmas tree? Sometime after Thanksgiving. Sometimes it’s the weekend after, and sometimes it’s a few weeks after. This year, I was just waiting for the pre-lit tree I won from eBay to get here. It got here today, so I’ll be putting it up in the next few days. 2. Real or Fake? Fake. We used to do the real one, but the cats always made a big mess out of it. Plus, it was a pain in the ass to light. 3. Lights? What color? Clear, because that’s what Fred prefers. I like the multi-colored as well, but don’t care which we have, as long as they blink. 4. Garland? Nope, never had a garland on my tree – probably because my mother never did, either. 5. Theme or No theme? No theme, though I wouldn’t rule out an “all-yellow” theme in the future. 6. What kind of topper? A cheap plastic star. A few years ago I saw a Taz tree topper in the Disney catalog and wanted it, but by the time I placed my order, they were out. Same thing the following year, and finally I just gave up. 7. What’s your favorite ornament? I don’t have a particular favorite, though I really like the ones the spud made when she was little. 8. What does your tree skirt look like? It’s just a red fuzzy one we bought from Wal-Mart. Maybe I’ll cross-stitch one for next year! 9. Where do you put your tree? This year, we have two. The big, main one is going to go upstairs in the study in front of the big window, so we can close the door and keep the cats from destroying it. The other one – a 3-foot-tall one I bought from Target over the weekend – is sitting on one of the movie cabinets in the living room. 10. Who decorates the tree? The spud and I. Fred has always done the lights, but the pre-lit tree will make the unnecessary from here on out!
Aimee. 1. Are you an innie or an outie? An innie. 2. Have you ever worn bell-bottoms? I seem to recall wanting bell-bottoms with all my heart when I was 7 or 8, but I don’t know that I ever actually got any. If I did, they were ones that my mother made, because my mother made almost all my clothes until I was a teenager (and did I appreciate that? NO. All I wanted was store-bought clothes, like all the other kids got to wear!) 3. Have you ever written a song? Yes, some very bad ones, and luckily they’ve disappeared into Bad Song Hell, along with the horrid poems I used to write. 4. Can you make change for a dollar right now? Yep, I have a latte cup full of change right next to my desk. 5. Have you ever been in the opposite sex’s public toilet? Yes, when Fred and I were flying to (or maybe from) Washington, DC last summer, I wasn’t paying attention, and followed him into the men’s room. Luckily I figured out what was going on before I went into a stall. 6. Have you ever smelled your own feet? Not recently, ’cause I’m not that limber. I’m sure I did it plenty when I was a kid, though. 7. Do you like ketchup on or beside your french fries? On. 8. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No, but I can wiggle my ears, roll my tongue, and raise my left eyebrow. 9. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout? Yes, for several years. I hated having to sell the cookies, though. 10. Have you ever broken a mirror? Yep, my rearview mirror. 11. Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole? I don’t think so. 12. What is your biggest pet peeve? People who won’t shut the fuck up and listen to reason (that’s my pet peeve of the moment, anyway). 13. Do you slurp your drink after it’s gone? Of course! 14. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? Yes – that’s the best way to mix the chocolate syrup in! 15. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper? A Big Mac, unless it’s a chicken Whopper, and then I’d prefer the Whopper. 16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? All the time when we lived in the other house and had a pool. 17. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic? Plastic. 18. True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza. At the moment, I’d rather have pizza, but that changes all the time. 19. Did you have a baby blanket? If I did, I don’t remember it. I do have a quilt that my mother made for me when I was 8 or 9 – possibly even younger – and I snuggle up under it and read in the chair in my bedroom. 20. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? Yes, I tried to cut my bangs once when I was in my mid-twenties, and did a horrible job. 21. Have you ever sleepwalked? Not that I know of. 22. Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds? Nope, but the spud did. She invited her entire 4th-grade class, and maybe four of them showed up. 23. Can you flip your eye-lids up? No, thank god. 24. Are you double jointed? Nope. 25. If you could be any age, what age would you be? If I could retain current knowledge, I’d go back to the age of 19. 26. Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair? Yes. Debbie, Brian, the spud and I were driving somewhere, and Brian (who was probably around the age of 2) got tired of the gum he was chewing, and spit it out into my hair. 27. Have you ever thrown-up after a roller coaster ride? No, but I’ve come close! 28. What is your dream car? A yellow VW Beetle. One of the new ones. 29. What is your favorite cartoon of all time? Bugs Bunny! 30. Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child? Probably. 32. Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit? No, but a friend in high school did, and she said it wasn’t bad. 33. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first? Scream my fool head off. 34. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Nope. 35. Can you pick something up with your toes? If I’m motivated enough. 36. How many remote controls do you have in your house? Oh… 10, maybe? That’s including the spud’s remote. 37. Have you ever fallen asleep in school? Yes, during study hall in high school. 38. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year? Four times – to and from Washington, DC, and to and from Maine. 39. How many foreign countries have you visited? Just one – Canada – that I’m aware of. I don’t think that Guam’s a foreign country, because it’s – I think – a US territory. 40. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal? No. What would be the point? 41. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? Has anyone said “rich and unhappy” yet? 42. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? You’re supposed to float, but since I’m no good in an emergency situation, I’d probably flail about until I was sucked under and drowned. 44. Do you ask for directions when you are lost? Not usually. I just keep driving until I figure out where I am. 45. Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean? Yes. 46. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland? Cinderella, I guess. 47. Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? Crayons. You can still color with broken crayons, but what the hell are you going to do with an empty ant farm? 48. Do you prefer light or dark bread? I suppose dark bread, because I’ve gotten into the habit, which just amazes me. After a lifetime of eating soft white bread, all there is in the house anymore is whole wheat. 49. Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs? Fried, as long as there’s toast to go with it. 50. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas? Just once, and I had the spud and Brian – who were both very young – with me. The only reason I ran out is because the gas gauge in my car suddenly stopped working, and I was supposed to keep an eye on how far I’d gone between filling up the tank, and had miscalculated. 51. Do you talk in your sleep? Sometimes. I don’t think I say anything very interesting, though. 52. Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn? Mow the lawn, though I’d rather do neither, really. 53. Would you rather be bitten by a poisonous snake or constricted by a python? Give me the poison. It goes faster, doesn’t it? 54. Have you ever played in the rain? When I was very young and we lived in Guam, and fall was rainy season, but very very warm all the same, we put on our bathing suits and played in the rain for hours one day. 55. Which do you think is more dangerous: an angry bear or a hungry white shark? An angry bear. The thought of those big, scary claws makes me shudder. 56. Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten? If I knew how to climb a tree, of course. 57. Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Not at all, though according to the Crocodile Hunter (who was on Oprah last week), crocs are “grumpier” than alligators. I don’t know about that man. He was kissing an alligator on the lips (if an alligator had lips) so fervently that I expected to see some tongue. 58. Do you drink pepsi or coke? Diet Coke. Which is amazing, considering that until 2 1/2 years ago, all I would drink was regular Coke, and never thought I’d give it up. 59. What’s your favorite number? 73. 60. If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car? A blocky, stocky SUV. 61. Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel? No, although when we were in Florida last summer, I desperately wanted to steal one of their yellow beach towels. 62. Would you blow your nose at the dinner table? I would, and I do. I guess I’m banned from Janet’s dinner table. 🙂 In my defense, I only do it when it’s Fred, the spud, and I. And I think I have better manners blowing my nose than they do with their constant farting. 63. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? I’m sure I have, but the only thing that sticks in my memory is a couple of years ago when I slipped stepping out of the shower, which isn’t the same thing. 64. Do you use regular or deodorant soap? I use Dove, which is not deodorant. 65. Have you ever locked yourself out of the house? I’ve accidentally been locked out (when my parents were visiting, and I gave them my key, and they were there when I got home), but I don’t know that I’ve ever locked myself out. 66. Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpsons voices? One of the Simpsons voices, especially if it was a character people quoted all the time. 67. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (I’m counting them as one). I’m sure I’d be starstruck, but it’d still be cool. Oh, wait! Strike that. I’d rather have Eric Schaeffer to dinner, because I watched If Lucy Fell last weekend, and I have to say that I just love him to death. 68. Have you ever gotten a truck driver to honk his horn? Of course. We drove across country from Michigan to California when I was 6 or so, and from Maine to Alabama when I was 10 or so. Getting truck drivers to honk their horns is one of the things we did to keep from falling apart from boredom. 69. Which would you rather live with: a huge nose or crossed eyes? A huge nose. 70. Would you hang out with someone your best friend didn’t like? Of course. What, my best friend doesn’t like this person, so I can’t hang out with them? What am I, whipped? 71. Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn’t like? I’d probably make the effort to be nice, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to do it. 72. Have you ever returned a gift? Nope. 73. Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you? Yep, though not in years, and I only did it twice. 74. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? Ice skating or gymnastics. 75. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t know, less than 10, I’d say. Which includes 3 pairs of sneakers. 76. If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her? Hell no. 77. Do you sing in the car? When the mood strikes me. Last week, I sang loudly along with Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. 78. Would you rather jump into a dumpster or into a vat of honey? Depends on what’s in the dumpster. I did a lot of dumpster diving when I was a kid, though, because I was searching for soda cans to recycle. 79. What is your favorite breed of dog? VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCE! 80. Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter? Hell yes. 81. If you were a bicycle, would you be a stingray or a mountain bike? I had to do a search to find out what a stingray is, and I guess that describes me better than a mountain bike. 82. What is your least favorite fruit? Cherries. I like cherry-flavored stuff, but can’t stand cherries themselves. 83. What kind of fruit have you never had? I don’t think I’ve ever had mango. 84. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? Target, maybe? 85. What brand sports apparel do you wear the most? The only sports apparel I wear is sneakers, so in that case, the answer would be Nike. 86. Are/were you a good student? Nope. One of the reasons I’ve never gone back to college is because I can’t even think of being stuck in a classroom listening to a droning teacher. Actually, I guess I was always a good student – got pretty good grades – but I loathed every moment of it. Proves that you can be good at something without loving it. But you notice I’ve never gotten a college degree. 87. Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat? They’d all kick my ass. 88. If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in? The Marines. If I could handle it, that is (and I doubt I could). 89. Would you ever parachute out of a plane? Hell yeah. 90. What do you think is your best feature? My sense of humor. Or my eyes. You pick. 91. If you were to win a grammy, what kind of music would it be for? My heartfelt rendition of “Stand By Yer Man.” Heh. I love that song, even though it’s the cheesiest song in existence. 92. What is your favorite season? Spring, followed closely by Fall. 93. How many members do you have in your immediate family? Fred, Spud, Debbie, Brian, Mom, Dad, Tracy, Randy, Gram, Uncle Joe, Chris, Mireya. 13. Is Tracy’s wife in my immediate family? That would make 14, if she was. 94. Which of the five senses is most important to you? Sight. 95. Would you be a more successful painter or singer? Singer, even I’m incredibly tone-deaf, and my singing voice could peel paint off a wall from 50 yards. That just shows you how untalented I am as a painter. 97. How many years will/did you end up going to college? Altogether, I went for about 2 years. I keep thinking that I should go back and get a degree, but see number 86. 98. Have you ever had surgery? Yes, tons. I had my tonsils removed, a tumor removed from my knee, a c-section, a cold cone biopsy (that’s female surgery, boys), and tubes put in my ears. 99. Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player? Football player, actually. I would probably enjoy kicking ass and taking names. 100. What do you like to collect? All sorts of smiley face stuff, o’ course. And if five of one kind can equal a collection (and I think it can), then I also collect cats:
* * * I stumbled into the bathroom and glanced at myself in the mirror this morning, and was blinded by the zit on my nose. It was the size of Manhattan and glowing like Chernobyl, and popping it (shut up, I know you’re not supposed to, but I am helpless in the face of zits, helpless I say!) didn’t help at all. I suppose for the next few days, everytime I encounter someone, their gaze will automatically be drawn to the red, glowing spot between my eyes. They’ll try to politely look away, but will be completely unsuccessful, poor bastards.
* * * Only in Alabama would the fact that Texas A&M is pursuing Crimson Tide coach Dennis Franchione be considered “breaking news.” Every time Oprah went to commercial yesterday, the “Breaking News” logo started, and the newspeople came on to let us all know that Texas A&M had requested permission to talk to Franchione. Big fuckin’ whoop. I, personally, would consider that “No one gives a shit news.” (Close your email clients, you damn Crimson-heads. I know you lurrrve your football team and all, but really. Breaking news?)
Bald Moses, who sent me this from my wish list:
I think you know what to do.
