Fat Actress. We don’t have Showtime, but I had thought that I might get it so I could watch the show. That was before I saw Kirstie Alley on some news show last week, interviewed by Matt Lauer, and was reminded anew at just how incredibly fucking annoying she is. I think she’s going for “funny and sassy”, but her act wears thin (har!) after about two and a half minutes. She was annoying on Cheers, she was annoying in all those Pier 1 commercials, and now that she’s all over the place flogging her new show, she’s annoying times ten. “Oh, look at me! I am funny and sassy and zany!”, and all the while her crazy eyes are twirling in every direction. And you know what? FUCK YOU, Matt Lauer. Okay? Fuck you for this exchange right here: Lauer: So you threw yourself back into being a mother, and the version I read from time to time is that included spending times in the kitchen. And you like to cook and you like to bake. And I guess you like to eat. Wow, that’s incisive, intelligent, brilliant, DEEP reporting right there, isn’t it? “I guess you like to eat.” No shit, Matt. Ya think? Ya think she might like to eat? Because even though she’s been howling from the top of every fucking building “I’m fat because I eat too much”, I thought for sure she’d try to lay it off on her thyroid or genetics. But not with Bloodhound Lauer on the case. No one fools YOU, Matt. I don’t know – have you been talking to my friend Sean in Lakewood, NJ? Y’all seem to share the same kind of intelligence. Also, Matt Lauer, FUCK YOU especially for this one: Alley: The thing about gaining weight is it doesn’t happen, you know you don’t gain 70 pounds in two weeks. Lauer: But how do you get to 200 pounds from 130-something and not know you’re getting too much heavier? Alley: I don’t think you pay much attention to yourself. Lauer: How about when you get dressed in the morning? What about when you step out of the shower? Alley: First of all, when I step out of the shower, there’s no mirrors so it doesn’t make any difference. But what you don’t know about me is I usually wear pajamas, skinny or fat. Lauer: How about when you’re bending down to pick something up and it’s hard? Alley: Well, I haven’t hit that yet. I’m not saying I’m not stupid about it. I think people can actually be sort of dumb and I think I’m serious. I’d sit in an airplane. I’d go, look at it. They’re really screwing us in first class. This seat is smaller than a coach seat. And I’m sort of Duh.” do you know? Don’t you think you could have just shortened this exchange by simply saying “How were you fooling yourself about turning into a FAT FUCKING COW, Kirstie Alley? Don’t you think there was some denial going on there?”, Matt? Much simpler, and then you could have devoted much more time to the tabloids or just EXACTLY how fat she is or just HOW LONG it’s been since she’s had sex because she loathes her body so much that she can’t stand the thought of being with a man until she’s lost weight. Because the idea that fat is bad and horrifying and disgusting and how DID you let yourself get SO fucking fat? hasn’t been crammed down my throat often enough over the past 36 years; please try to clarify the horror of Kirstie Alley’s “extra” 70 pounds, Matt Lauer, if you don’t mind. Oh, and while you’re at it, would you please bite me? Thanks.
“Maybelle! I said, ‘Where the hell is my beer?'”