2004-10-26

The spud lets her Southern roots shine through. Sixteen years ago right this very second, I was sitting in a hospital room with my then-husband and my mother, waiting to be taken back to the operating room. An examination and ultrasound the day before had shown that my body wasn’t planning on going into labor anytime soon, and the child I was carrying was estimated to be 10 pounds 6 ounces. “I think you’ve got a moose in there,” my OB/GYN told me. He told me that he’d like to schedule a c-section the next day; I agreed. I went home and cleaned like mad. I packed my bag. My then-husband and I went out to buy a few last-minute things, then went out for Chinese food (and the spud’s favorite food has always been Chinese. Coincidence? I think not!).

I got up early the next morning, showered and dressed, and had my picture taken, and then we were on the way. My parents and sister met us at the hospital, and my mother and husband went into the room with me to wait. While waiting, I could feel the baby moving entirely from one side of my body to the other. And I had to get up and pee about a thousand times. It’s a blur now – they got the IV started and took me away to the operating room. I said goodbye to my husband, parents, and sister, and before I knew it I was counting backward from 100. What seemed like a minute later, I was coming to. The nurses told me the baby was perfectly healthy, and all I could think to say was “Does she have a lot of hair?” and when I asked they laughed and said they guessed she did. I was in and out of it for a few hours. While I was out of it, the spud’s father filled out her birth certificate (luckily we were in agreement about her name) and he held her for the first time. My parents hung around for a while and then left. When I was finally mostly awake, the nurses brought her to me, and I looked at her and said “Oh my god, she’s so tiny!” This, about a 10-pound 2-ounce baby that looked like she was six months old. And the next feeling I had, after that feeling of wonder had passed, was pure abject terror. “Oh my god,” I thought. “What have I done? I can’t do this. I can’t be somebody’s mother!” I’m still a little terrified about that, to tell the truth. She’s a sweet, funny, inquisitive, intelligent, sympathetic, ditzy (like her mother), awesome kid; I’m not sure how that happened, but I’m not complaining! * * * I hope you never lose your sense of wonder, You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger, May you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid love ever leave you empty handed, I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance…. I hope you dance. I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, Never settle for the path of least resistance Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’, Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’, Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter, When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider, Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance…. I hope you dance. I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. Dance…. I hope you dance. ]]>