* * *
So, I balanced my checking account last night, and I’m proud to announce that between June 22 and July 22, I only wrote eight checks. Eight! And four of them were to Dominos or Steak-Out. Considering that between April 22 and May 22 I wrote thirty-eight checks, I think I’m doing pretty well.
Whoo!
I could probably reduce the amount of checks I write even more if we kept cash in the house to pay the Steak-Out or Domino’s guy on Fridays, but that’s just too much of a pain in the ass.
* * *
Okay. I’m sorry. I’m going to have to insist that y’all call me
Road Kill Willie from here on out.
Hee! Road Kill Willie! I’ve been sitting here giggling wildly for five minutes now.
Perhaps I need to get me one o’ them thar lives.
* * *
So, months ago during the first episode of
The Swan, the boyfriend (maybe husband, I don’t remember) of one of the contestants said the words “She’s a little average” and then a moment later it struck him what an asshole thing that was to say about the woman you’re supposed to love, and he went on to half-assedly add “But she’s beautiful to me” or something along those lines. For the rest of the life of The Swan, when they introduced a new contestant, Fred would say “She’s a little average…”
On the last episode of The Swan – the pageant – they replayed the boyfriend/ husband saying that, and I taped that bit, and I made a wav of it, and I copied the wav to a floppy disk and left it on Fred’s desk with a note that said “Play me”, and he did, and he was not nearly as amused as I thought he’d be. So I took my toys and went home, and copied the wav to my hard drive, and made it so that whenever I have mail, Eudora plays
the wav.
So I’ll be sitting at my computer working on something or reading something or just generally slacking off, and this man’s voice will come out of nowhere saying “She’s a little average”, which is how I know – without looking down at my toolbar for the envelope icon – that I have mail. Sometimes the man will say “She’s a little average”, and I’m struck with the urge to announce to Miz Poo, “She is. She IS a little average!”
But Miz Poo doesn’t care.
And then other times the man will announce that she’s a little average, and I am struck with the need to sing that line over and over. Sometimes I sing it like I’m Ethel Merman, sometimes I sing it like I’m Dolly Parton, and sometimes I sing it like it’s an opera. But sadly, that’s the only line in the song, because I for some reason lack the creativity to come up with the second line in the “She’s a little average” song.
Hmm. Maybe “She’s a little average/ but she’s married to an ass/ She’s a little average/ But her husband has no class”?
Doesn’t really fit. I’ll have to keep working on it. Suggestions?
* * *
I had to rescue not one but two crickets from Meester Boogers last night. The first was around ten and the second was close to midnight. He’s been bringing crickets and grasshoppers into the house pretty often lately. I have a feeling he’s planning on working his way up. Next, he’ll bring in a mouse, then maybe a bird. By next spring, I’m sure he’ll have worked his way up to bringing possums in the house.
Maybe Tubby’s spirit is teaching him how to hunt.
It’s a pain in the ass to catch crickets, take them downstairs, and toss them out the door, because although I am no longer actually fearful of crickets, I also have no desire to touch them with my actual hands because ICK. Last night I had to dig around in the trash and find a container I could catch the cricket in to carry him downstairs. And then I had to convince the cricket to get IN the container, all while Meester Boogers and Miz Poo kept sticking their big stupid heads in the way, trying to sniff at the cricket.
The morning I wake up and find a cricket in bed with me is the day I start closing the cat door at night, believe you me.
* * *
I got back the pictures from the disposable underwater cameras I took to Hawaii. I’ll put them all up on a page one of these days, but for now I’ll share my favorites.
My parents and Brian in the water at
Waimanalo Beach Park.
Deb and Brian in the water.
A head, bobbing in the water! (That’s me. Also, Debbie’s foot. Heh.)
Pretty, no?
* * *
Hellew.]]>