Words (or phrases) that Fred uses, that drives me absolutely bonkers (and not in a good way):
1. Onesie, twosie. Used when describing one or two at a time instead of a whole bunch. Example: “We’re going to do them onesie, twosie instead of a bunch at a time, right?” What is he, three years old?
2. Cucurbit. This is a new one, and it drives me to the verge of homicide every single time. Example: “I think that might be a melon, I can’t quite tell. It’s definitely in the cucurbit family, though.”
3. Mepergan Fortis. I don’t know why he can’t just call it Demer0l or whatever the fuck other people call it. No, every time, both words. KILL. (PS: I don’t think we’ve actually had any Mepergan Fortis in the house since he had his shoulder operated on two years ago, but it still drives me nuts.)
What words or phrases do people use, that drives you nuts? Real people in real life, not TV people. Although that Rachel Ray “once around the pan” thing kind of annoys the ever loving shit out of me. Okay, you can include TV people. Web people. Everyone!
I seem to have lost my water bottle. It’s in the house somewhere, but fuck if I know where. It was 3/4 full and I’m thirsty. And yes, I have other water bottles in the fridge, but I want THAT water bottle. Wherefore art thou, water bottle?
Yesterday I was puttering around in the kitchen and turned around to see Joe Bob hunched in the middle of the kitchen rug.
“Whatcha doin’, Joeby*?” I said.
He turned a little, and I saw that he had a small bird in his mouth.
“Well, shit,” I said, and grabbed him. After a moment’s consideration I figured it would be best to carry him – bird still in his mouth – outside and then scream “LET IT GO! LET IT GO! YOU SHIT! LET IT GO!” At least that way, if the bird wasn’t too hurt to fly, it could fly off outside instead of around the house with me running after it.
I got to the back door and just as I opened the screen door, something happened that caused Joe Bob to start flailing wildly. I tried to hold on to Joe Bob, but he was flailing too wildly for me to keep hold of him, and he ended up falling a couple of feet onto the top step. He ran out into the middle of the back yard then sat down and began licking himself. I ran after him to make sure he was okay (he was) and then I looked around to see if I could see where the bird had gone. Both Joe Bob and Tommy were staring up into the top of the tree and after I looked around in the kitchen, dining, and laundry rooms, I decided that the bird had started to get away from Joe, flew off as I opened the door, and that’s what caused Joe to flail about.
Half an hour later, as I was walking from the bathroom toward the kitchen, I glanced into the computer room and saw every cat in the house huddled around something, staring intently.
Goddamn.
Somehow, despite the fact that the little bird was ON the floor, surrounded by a large number of cats, and had probably been fluttering around the house for a long time while I walked around with my head in the clouds, SOMEHOW the little bird was still alive. I pushed cats out of the way, picked the little bird up, opened the door to the side yard, and the little bird flew off.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending.
(Or, considering the blood he left behind on my hands, perhaps he flew off to die a slow, excruciating death somewhere. I prefer to believe he lived and will continue to do so for a good long time.)
*Could be, I suppose, “Joe B.”, but I think of him as “Joeby.”
I don’t remember what she was appalled by, but apparently it was quite SOMETHING.
Sweet little Zoe.
Kara, lookin’ smug.
Spanky is the Happiest! Boy! In! The! World!
Previously
2007: No entry.
2006: No entry.
2005: No entry.
2004: I sure do hate the hell out of housework.
2003: When I think of Judge Roy Moore, the phrase “Getting too big for his britches” comes to mind.
2002: If he didn’t do that creepy, over-intense stare all the time, he wouldn’t be so (you guessed it) creepy, but he does, so he is.
2001: No entry.
2000: No entry.