* * * When I read that the Supreme Court heard that they’re outlawing the sale of sex toys in Alabama, and they said “Um, yeah. Nah, we don’t think we’ll hear that case. In fact, we think it’s A-OK for the state to come right into the bedroom of any Alabaman and make sure that no sex is being performed in any position other than strict Missionary, and if no one feels any kind of pleasure while the sex is taking place, that’d be best, buh-bye.”, I was so very relieved. Because where I want my tax dollars to go is NOT to fight the horrifying meth problem eating alive the rural areas of this state, nor would I like to see some tax dollars maybe thrown toward, I don’t know, education. No, my number one concern is that a woman, somewhere in Alabama, might have purchased a device to ensure that she’s able to get off. A woman having an orgasm is an abomination in the eyes of The Lawd, you know. Well, The Lawd told me that he doesn’t actually give a shit what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms – the exact quote would be “As long as it’s between two consenting adults of WHATEVER sex, I don’t give a shit what they do. Oral, anal, the braiding of each others’ pubic hair, go at it, just leave me the hell out of it, I’ve got better things to worry about. Floods, earthquakes, Phil Hellmuth acting like a big baby about the fact that he lost this hand. I have to go call Satan and make sure that Phil Hellmuth really isn’t his son, ’cause he certainly does a great big crybaby job of making me believe he IS, and I really kind of want to smite his ass.” – but some random men once wrote this book, claimed it was The Word straight from The Lawd*, and it says right there in Lemumblemumble verse sixty-six “Thou shalt not use any device to ensure the pleasure of any female in any sort of bedroom situation thou might encounter, especially if a male is not present, because the fact that a female could feel pleasure without a man’s direct involvement (and even WITH a man’s direct involvement, gigglegigglesnort) is an abomination in the eyes of The Lawd, go forth and buzz no more.” My issue with this law is this: Alabama’s anti-obscenity law, enacted in 1998, bans the distribution of “any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for anything of pecuniary value.” So, then, when they find out that women are, in droves, purchasing electric screwdrivers**, will they be adding to the law banning the sale of electric screwdrivers to women? And if they find, after that, that women have gone, shall we say, acoustic, will they then go around knocking on doors and amputating the fingers – nay, the entire hands – of all women, just in case? This is one of those times when I’m just so very pleased to be living in Alabama. *The Lawd said “Those guys? Please. I never could stand them, and now they’re all crowded around My house acting holier than ME, and I think I need to smite them, but I did too many shots the day they banded together and asked me to swear on the name of Me that I wouldn’t smite them, so I can’t because I’m not the King of Lies, that motherfucker Beelzebub is, and he can’t – WON’T – come up here and smite them for me, ’cause he’s a douchebag. Also, he plays a mean hand of poker, and that REALLY pisses Me off.” **As an extreme example, because ouch. I suspect that would hurt. Except for maybe one of the slow, cheap ones.
Felicia. I think she looks kind of like Felix the Cat, but obviously you can’t name a girl cat Felix (also, Felix had already been used), so I feminized it.
Skittles. So named because she’s the scaredy-cat of the bunch, and ages ago when I was trying to come up with cat names for the fosters who ended up being Gilligan, Spanky, Maryann and Tina Louise, Kath suggested Skittles, and I think it’s a cute name, so Skittles it is!
Punki. My sister has a dilute calico named Punki, and this one is dilute (but a torti rather than a calico), so I stole the name. Punki’s the most playful of the bunch – all you have to do is wave the feather-on-a-stick toy, and she’s across the room in a flash to smack at it.
I was going to name her Reese, as in Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (to follow the Skittles/ candy theme), but Reese made me think of Reese Witherspoon, which made me think of Elle, and I liked Elle better. So Elle she is.
Dulcinea. My brother has a cat named Dulcinea, I like the name, so I stole it!
Elle gives off the ‘tude.
Dulcinea (left) and Skittles, hiding under the dresser.
Punki keeps an eye on her sisters.
Dulcinea shows off her coat.
********************************************
“Wh-what do you mean, we can’t go outside because Mister Boogers is a jerk who keeps outsmarting the electric fence around the back yard?!”