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I was an errand-running fool today. I managed to get my ass out the door by 10:45, and went to Target (Nivea for Men exfoliant for His Majesty), PetCo (I’m looking for an inexpensive cat food that comes in large bags and “promotes urinary tract health. To my surprise, Hill’s Science doesn’t seem to have one like that, and the Iam’s was $35 for a big bag. Not in this lifetime, if we can possibly help it. We tried Friskie’s, but it gave them all diarrhea (you’re welcome), so for now we’re feeding them Purina Special Urinary Tract Health, which only comes in small bags, but it’s not terribly expensive and it doesn’t give them diarrhea, so I guess we’ll stick with that for now), the mall (to get Fred’s Father’s Day presents – I had to wander all through Dillard’s to find the counter where they sell men’s cologne, and I ALMOST bought the frog that goes with the pig on our front steps, but refrained. You should be proud of me. Yes, I’m awful for giving Fred his Father’s Day presents late, but he was late with my Mother’s Day present, so it all works out in my opinion), and Sam’s (where I purchased Hard Eight, shrimp, gum, paper towels, water (for the vacation to Florida), and garbage bags).
I managed to do all that in two hours and fifteen minutes. You know how some people can’t get out of Target or Wal-Mart without spending $100? I can’t go out to do errands and take less than an hour, and this was a super-errand day.
So, the reporter and photographer came yesterday to interview Fred. I sat and listened to the interview – and even contributed a few things – and then came time for the photographer to do her thing. She had Fred sit behind the table, behind his food pile, and Fred made like Fabio, preening and smiling and sending sultry looks of love toward the camera. Then she took pictures of him standing in his fat jeans, with the waist held out – I have to admit, that’s going to be a damn good picture, I hope they use it for the article – and the photographer was putting her equipment away, ready to go, when Fred got a crazy gleam in his eye.
“Wait!” he said. “You could take pictures of me lifting weights!”
“Well -” the photographer began doubtfully.
“I can put my gym shorts on!” Fred said excitedly. “Wait just a minute!”
The photographer and I smiled awkwardly at each other, and made half-hearted small-talk about how she was going to go to the gym when she left.
Moments later, Fred was downstairs in the shortest, tightest shorts I’ve ever seen on him, and a skin-tight shirt.
“Let’s go in the garage!” he commanded, and we followed him out there.
While the photographer checked the light, Fred loaded up a couple of dumbbells with some ungodly amount of weight. And then he strutted back and forth, trying to look as though the weight he was lifting wasn’t taking any effort.
“Okay, I think we’ve gotten enough – ” the photographer said after she’d snapped 50 or 60 pictures.
“Take a picture of this!” Fred demanded, flexing his bicep. “And this!” he flexed both his biceps and his calf muscles, sucking in his stomach. “And this!” he turned his back to the camera, stuck his butt out, and smiled beguilingly over his right shoulder, the tip of his index finger to his pursed lips.
Two hours later, when the photographer actually started crying and begging him to let her leave, he did.
Of course, I’m sure Fred’s version of this story will be completely different. No doubt he’ll claim he had to be asked to put on his gym shorts and lift weight, but between us, dear readers? He’s a big liar.
You know what? You know what you need? You know what you need right NOW? I think you need to see some pictures of Tuberella, right this very second. Just for the hell of it.
“Can they see me? They can’t see me, can they? I can’t see them, so they must not be able to see me!”
When he was just a svelte young thing and could actually jump up there, where he’d sit and meow his bitchy meow at us.
In the master bedroom at the old house. Where he would sit and meow bitchily at anyone who walked by.
I found those pictures of Tubby when I was looking for some pictures of Fred, and thought I’d share. I may have shared them before, because at this point I don’t remember what I’ve put in the journal and what I haven’t. In a perfect world, I’d have all the cat pictures that I’ve posted on a single page – well, one page for each cat – but don’t hold your breath on that. Maybe someday.
A couple of people recently emailed and asked if I was still going to have the giveaway. I am, but it’s going to be different than before. I have SO much stuff to give away, that I think I’m going to create a page just for that, and put a few items up each week. Hopefully the first few items will go up this week, on Friday, but it all depends on how busy I am over the next few days. Of course I’ll link to it when I get it up and running.
And with that, I’m off to start dinner (red beans and rice – yum!) and clean up the kitchen.]]>
June 19, 2002