I don’t know if it’s the particularly hot, dry weather we’ve had this summer, but it certainly seems to be the summer of BUGS here at Crooked Acres. Last night, Fred and I were walking out to the back forty to give the pigs their cookies and the dogs their snacks, and I looked down to see a bright red ant-shaped bug walking across the top of the grass.
Back when we bought this house, in 2006, we were walking around the back of the property, and I spotted one, and then a few minutes later, another. After some research online, I found that they’re called “velvet ants” (info and pictures of them at Wikipedia), although they’re actually wingless wasps rather than true ants. They’re also called “cow killers” because their bite is very painful and is said to be strong enough to kill a cow (it isn’t really, though; that’s just hyperbole).
Fred’s stepmother told me that if you corner one of them, they’ll squeal. I haven’t found this out for myself because, although they are really interesting and exotic-looking bugs, when it comes down to it they’re BUGS and they have a painful bite and I don’t think we need them roaming around the property, thank you, so when I saw it last night I stomped on it.
Ten feet away, I spotted another one. And the ones we saw back in 2006 were tiny ones, but the ones I saw last night were huge, about the size of my pinky (which is not huge, unless you’re looking at a bug that size), and I feel that that does perhaps not bode well for us. Like maybe I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night face-to-face with one of the fucking things.
The middle of last week, I did a search on how to order a copy of Fred’s birth certificate. At some point in the past, we HAD his birth certificate – or at least I imagine we did, I’m pretty sure we had to have a copy to get our marriage license – and now I have no idea where it is. I’ve been through every file in the house and while I have every single report card that Fred got in his entire school career, along with every special award he got (attendance award for Bible School when he was five!), no birth certificate.
So I found that I could order it online from Vitalchek.com, and so I went and filled out the form and provided all the information they required. They were all “And you are…?” and I was all “His wife!” and they were all “Very good, then.”
But they didn’t require PROOF that I was his wife, in case you were wondering. Of course, they asked questions (his mother’s full maiden name, for one) that your average person isn’t going to know (I had to call and ask him what her middle name was, actually), so maybe they aren’t all that worried about it.
I placed the order, and what happens after you place the order is that Vitalchek passes the information along to the Alabama Vital Records division, and then they pull the birth certificate and send it to you in an expedited manner. “Expedited manner”, in this case, means that they sent it via UPS with a signature required.
I placed the order on Wednesday. Friday, late morning, I went out to the back yard to dump the stuff in the kitchen compost bucket into the compost bin. The compost bin is at the back of the back yard, perhaps eighty feet from the house. In the two minutes that I was out of the house – THE FIRST TIME I LEFT THE FUCKING HOUSE ALL DAY LONG, MAY I ADD – UPS came, knocked on the door, and then left a “We were here and you were not, sucks to be you” note on the door.
So I turned the note over and signed where it had the “No really, it’s okay, use this as my signature” line.
Friday night, Fred and I were sitting in the front room – the room where the front door is located – watching TV from about 6:30 on. No one ever knocked on the door. According to the tracking info on UPS.com, UPS attempted a second delivery at 7:11 pm.
WE WERE SITTING THREE FEET FROM THE FUCKING DOOR AND NO ONE EVER KNOCKED.
Saturday morning, I looked on the front porch and found a second “Sucks to be you” note next to the first one, with “The sender required a signature at the time of delivery” circled. They indicated that they’d attempt delivery again on Monday between, basically, 10:30 and 5 pm.
I did not set ONE FUCKING FOOT outside the house after 9:00 yesterday morning, and at noon I glanced at the front door to find the third and final “suck to be you” note hanging on the door. I was within earshot of that fucking door with the exception of the five minutes I was upstairs in the foster room, which is located partly directly over the front room (where the fucking front door is located) and partly over the porch.
IF THERE HAD BEEN A KNOCK ON THE DOOR, I WOULD HAVE HEARD IT, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET PICKLED BABY JESUS.
I was so beyond pissed off that I went into the bathroom, closed the door (I truly cannot for the life of me imagine what you think I’m going to say next) and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs.
(I didn’t want to scare the cats. Though they did look pretty freaked out when I came back out of the bathroom.)
I shot off tersely worded “I’d like to know how you’re going to fix this” emails to UPS and to Vitalchek (though I think we can agree that Vitalchek could not possibly care less about this whole thing and if they ever respond to me, it will be to tell me that although they took $55 from me, I have to deal with Alabama Vital Records and it sucks to be me.)
The best part is that I could have just filled out the fucking form and taken it to any area county health department and they’d have printed the fucking thing right there for me, for fifteen fucking dollars, but I was so thrilled that I could just order the fucking thing online that I failed to notice that part.
I have zero love for UPS at this moment, believe you me, and I think what I’m going to do is immediately go and order as many extremely heavy things to be delivered by UPS and UPS alone so that my douchey UPS guy will throw out his fucking back and will be replaced by one who might understand the concept of knocking on the goddamn motherfucking door.
Ciara’s trying to decide who she’s gonna cut.
“Maybe I’ll cut this bratty little Spice for flipping over the Ham-mick.”
“Maybe I’ll cut the Ham-mick for letting itself be flipped over.”
“Maybe I’ll cut YOU.”
“Yeah, you. You look like you deserve it.”
Evil thing. (Except that she totally isn’t – she’s a complete sweetheart!)
Sleepy Clove.
That cat hair on the couch behind Clove horrified me enough that I immediately got up and ran the Fabric Sweeper over it. Nas-TAY.
Cilantro, sharpening her claws in the front room.
When Sheriff Mama (Kara) is asleep in the house instead of in the back yard keeping an eye on things, you know it’s GOTTA be hot!
Previously
2010: “You’re a douchebag category all your own!” he said.
2009: No entry.
2008: No entry.
2007: Really, here at Crooked Acres, it’s sometimes best to just look the other way, and not ask aaaaaaany questions.
2006: No entry. Sorry!
2005: I wanted to lay in bed and sniff my hair all day long.
2004: me: “Brian, I sure do love you, but I’m glad we’ll never have to sit this close to each other ever again.” Brian: “I feel the same.”
2003: No entry.
2002: No entry.
2001: $1200 for one single washer. What the fuck’s up with that?
2000: can you say “Bring a book”?
Doooooooo it! Dooooooo ittttttt! And then RETURN all those m-f heavy items so UPS has to come and pick them up again. Our UPS guy won’t come up the driveway, FOR THE LOVE. It is a WIDE driveway, there is PLENTY OF ROOM. FedEx comes up, Peapod comes up, the septic service came up, EVERYONE comes up but the douchey UPS guy, he walks up a LONG HILL of a driveway. And then? He delivers the stuff that belongs NEXT FUCKING DOOR. He KNOWS this, I am sure, because we get UPS deliveries several times a week, so it’s not like he doesn’t KNOW. UGH. My son is tired of schlepping the neighbors’ packages across the lawn to them AND how many babies do they have OR how often does the ONE baby they have POOP because they order A LOT of diapers.
“Sucks to be you.” Heeeeeeeee!
Also, (my I am chatty today) I had to get birth certificates for my family, four of us, three different counties, all in NY. I did it online and even MINE, from NYC, and I was born in a hospital that NO LONGER EXISTS, were easily obtained!! Not something you get to say about NY bureaucracy that often. (They came by express mail, btw.)
Our UPS driver delivers after we’ve gone to bed. When I worked for UPS years ago, the drivers had to be back at the hub much earlier than that unless it was Christmas, then they stayed out until the last package was delivered.
I believe birth certs are public records so anyone can get anyone’s. I think you have to actually be listed ON the BC to get a notarized/certified/some-damned-official-type copy, though. Maybe that’s just CA.
Robyn, I know you don’t like to confront, but you should really complain to UPS about the not knocking thing. You have a doorbell, too, don’t you? (No memory here, sorry). If UPS won’t deliver to PO boxes (and work with the USPS), then they need to try harder to get stuff delivered to residences. I know I sound terribly grumpacious (and I am), but yours is an often-heard complaint. What is up with UPS the past ten years, anyway?
Clove…so damned cute!
Sorry, Robyn, I had to reread to see that you DID complain to UPS (I only caught the second part at first). Keep on them about it cuz you need your stuff!!
Our UPS driver also drops the stuff and runs cuz my dog goes all apeshit when the doorbell rings. When we were between owning (large, loud) dogs, my husband didn’t like how flirty the UPS and FedEx guys got with me. Which is hilarious because I’m not hot AT ALL. I’ve just never met an unfriendly UPS or FedEx guy.
Seriously, at a job I had years ago the UPS guy and I used to (jokingly, OF COURSE) blow kisses at each other. I got the (huge, imposing) IT guy to do it at him too, which was fairly amusing.
So, my advice is to be SUPER friendly to the UPS guy when you finally do see him. You’ll give him incentive to keep trying to meet you!
Okay…I’m kidding. Don’t do that.
I hear you on the bugs, it’s like year of the prehistoric bugs! Every night I take the dog for a walk and the hugeness of the bugs creeps me the hell out! GIANT beetles and flying things! ACK! I hate bugs.
hehehehehehehe *snort* sweet pickled baby jesus… I LOVE it. Thank you for always cracking me up!!! :0) Have a fabulous day!
UPS has pulled that exact same shit with me more often than I can count. My favorite was when the delivery guy insisted to his manager that he HAD delivered the package and that I just didn’t see it. Uh, no… They also like to deliver my stuff to my neighbors. Fortunately I have very honest neighbors. UPS sucks rocks.
I’ve never had to sign for something I’ve gotten via UPS; usually they just dump it on my porch (or the neighbor’s) and take off.
Now with FedEx, different story. Last time I had to sign for something, I was in the house all morning–except for about two seconds I walked out into the backyard. OF COURSE the FedEx guy came during that time…I actually heard the truck start up, so ran to the front of the house to see him driving away. I honestly was tempted to run after the truck, but how silly would that have been? I can see the neighbors watching the hilarity as I chased after that truck! LOL
OMG, I’d sic all the cats on the UPS man. And speaking of cats, I know we all love a cat that is all bowed up and pissed off, but have you seen this? I love how it actually walks out of the shot on two back paws! LOL It made me laugh so hard I wheezed. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWLKKDH0GP8
Oh Lawd, I cannot get over that!!! HIGH-steryical!
That WAS funny!
That’s got to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen! Robyn, is that like Fred “clutching his pearls?”
My UPS guy rings the bell and then runs – not like I live in Graceland or anything, but I never get to the door before he has left. But at least he leaves my packages behind. And the UPS guy who delivers to our office is a total douche – won’t smile or be pleasant if his life depended on it. One day I may decide to test that theory. Now my Fedex guy is wonderful. He delivers to both my house and work (same route) so if I have a package for home, he will bring it to me at work. Sweet unless it is heavy, then I have to schlep it home myself.
And on a note from a post awhile ago: boxes with attached lids – several types of sneakers that we buy online come with lids attached to the boxes: Nike, New Balance and Avia I can think of easily. So if you ever need a box with a lid, I can be your contact (cause who wouldn’t want empty boxes from a stranger delivered – and probably by the rude UPS guy!)
You actually did exactly what you need to do by complaining to both Vitalcheck and UPS. Since Vitalcheck sent the package they’re the ones who have to beat up on UPS.
I love tracking packages on UPS’ Web site. I’ve seen the evidence of packages being put on the wrong truck, schlepped to western Massachusetts, schlepped back to eastern Massachusetts, and finally making it to Maine (and sent from LL Bean in Freeport too, if you can believe! I could have walked there and back faster).
And your bugs — yikes! Small comfort, but at least it means you have a thriving ecology there at Crooked Acres. When you start to see predator insects it’s a good sign the food web is working. Just make sure you aren’t on the menu!
omg Robyn! thank you for the huge laughs this morning. I think I woke up my husband (after he worked all night!)
When I thought it couldn’t get funnier, I kept reading….and it did!
awwww Kara is so pretty! love that picture of her.
Same damn issue with those UPS bastards here. I have gotten to the point that if I know something will be delivered using UPS, I just have it sent to work where someone is guaranteed to be there. I have called and complained several times about them not knocking on my door and nothing is ever resolved. I end up having to go to some back alley to pick up my package.
Hate UPS! We didn’t receive a package once and they insisted they had delivered it to us. Then they insisted we had received it and it belonged to someone else. They would no longer leave packages here without a signature. 3 years later my husband was expecting something for work. We went out to lunch and we got the sorry you weren’t here. I called and asked how long we were going to be punished for their mistake. They said a supervisor would call me next day. Never got the call, but they started leaving packages again. I never call and yell at customer service. Just state the facts. USPS is much better.
I hate UPS. They never ring the bell..just leave the package…or a note…and go. I had boxes sitting out overnight when we lived in TX because UPS never came until after dark….and the tracking wasn’t updated before I went to bed.
When we moved here last year and lived in the apartment…which was the bottom floor in a duplex, our door was on the driveway side. UPS ALWAYS dumped the box on the front porch and until I saw the “delivered to porch” it sat out there. Then I’d have to trek around the front to the porch and get it. When we got things that needed a signature, they’d ring the upstairs apartment’s bell..no one lived there for a while and when there was, he was never home…which was clearly labeled with a HUGE letter “B” then stick the note on the door..which was not mine and no one ever used because the upstairs neighbor always used his back steps. My door was visible from the street…where they parked the big brown truck..and was labeled with a big ass letter “A” yet they ignored it and went to the other door. I’d even walk around in the morning and stick a note on the front door…”UPS..Apartment “A” door is on the drive”..in big ass letters on a big piece of paper..and they’s still leave the box or the note on the front door. Fed Ex always got it right yet UPS never did.
Now that we are in our house..they still just leave things or leave the note..and I am always here..they never ring the bell to even let me know a box was left…and we have no covered area at the front door so it sits on my steps till I check. Scott gets expensive equipment delivered for his job so I tell him to make sure they give him a tracking number so I can see when it is coming. Idiots!
Our UPS man is awesome. If I’m not home, he takes my stuff to my mom’s house. When I worked in the neighborhood, he used to bring it to me at work. Once he saw me on the sidewalk on the way home from a class, stopped in the middle of the street, and hopped out of the truck with my Old Navy Yoga pants. (Mind you, this isn’t in a small town, but in a major metropolitan area.) I’m gonna miss him when I move.
That happened to us, and I think I spent days on the phone to fucking UPS trying to get the thing delivered. And I did my obscenity screaming right by the door where the third notice was stuck on!
(except it wasn’t a birth certificate–it was probably something from eBay, given my past eBay habits!)
Maybe UPS is SKEERED to knock on the door…what with all of the cat stuff on the front porch and all. Who knows how many cats wouold come pouring out of the door once opened and IF the UPS guy is as scared of cats as FRED is scared of black window spiders,well,let the squealing begin.