* * * To be fair, regarding yesterday’s entry, I don’t think the new neighbor was prying or trying to get information out of me or intending to be rude when she suggested that we might be good christian folk. I think it was just a way of segueing into the information she wished to talk about, which is that she’s come back to The Lawd recently, after a praying session in her bedroom one night* and she had lost her way for a while, but now she’s back in good with The Lawd. I also kind of got the feeling that she was trying to feel me out – figuratively speaking – as to whether I’d come stomping over and lecture her about The Lawd if I saw her sitting on her back deck slurping down a beer. I can’t say why I got this impression, because it’s nothing I can put a finger on, but I did get the impression that her being in good with The Lawd doesn’t necessarily include attending church on her part, or preclude any of the fun stuff The Lawd supposedly frowns upon. However if I’m wrong, I might steal from Amanda and tell her that I’m a secular humanist, throw her the peace sign and shut the door. Or (more likely) I’ll tell her she should talk to my husband, because Fred KNOWS his bible and he’ll stun her with passages from the bible before he gently suggests she be on her way and closes the door. Having lived in the south for 11 years now, you’d think that people assuming I’m a churchgoer wouldn’t take me by surprise every single time – but it does. I find it kind of intrusive and a little embarrassing, as if they’d asked what color panties I’m wearing**. I understand they’re not intending to be intrusive – or maybe they’re just looking to drag me kicking and screaming back to The Lawd and don’t care if they’re intruding – but it feels intrusive nonetheless. In case it concerns anyone, I do believe in The Lawd. It might not be the way you believe in The Lawd and it might not be in an organized and approved fashion, but The Lawd knows how I feel and what I believe, and he said to tell you to shut the fuck up with all the praising and the prosthelytizing ’cause it gives The Lawd a headache. And they don’t make a Bayer Aspirin big enough to take away THAT headache. *I, myself, have also been known to praise The Lawd in my bedroom at night. ** Beige.
but then the more I thought about it, the more I decided I like the comparison. Because think of it – on The Brady Bunch, while those whiny Brady kids were wandering around howling about their broken noses (“Hey you guys! Ow, my nose!”) and putting on shows and fighting over the bathroom, who was there cooking up the pork chops and applesauce, making sure no one went hungry, and doing her best to make sure Mrs. Brady and her flip ‘do never found out about Mr. Brady and his predilection for the male gender?
Alice, that’s who.
When things were tense around the Brady household, when Greg and Marcia were battling over who got the attic for their bedroom, who remembered that not so long ago, that attic was actually only a crawlspace and Mr. Brady told Mrs. Brady that it would be perfect for a bedroom “If Greg was three feet tall!”, and there must have been some serious perm-haired voodoo going on to make it a full-height attic, but held her tongue and just made a wisecrack about the whole mess?
Alice, that’s who.
When Jan wished fervently that she was an only child and her siblings did their best to accommodate, when Peter and Bobby were screaming for Marcia to get her ass out of the no-toilet-having bathroom already, when Greg jettisoned his pesky brothers and sisters to become the one and only Johnny Bravo because he fit the suit, when Peter’s voice was cracking and throwing the entire Brady musical career into a tailspin (when it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange who you are and what you’re a-gonna be, after all), when Weird Cousin Oliver came to visit, when Jan wore that dead squirrel-looking brunette wig so that people would see her for the treasure she truly was, who did NOT go on a shooting rampage and tell those damn Brady kids that the next time one of them sashayed through the kitchen, drank a cup of milk, left the cup in the sink and then came back ten damn minutes later to get ANOTHER cup of milk, using a fresh cup the second time – and the third and fourth – she was going to cut their heads off and hang them from the front door?
Alice, that’s who.
Alice was always ready with the quick quip, the funny bon mot, the silly non sequitur, the humorous witticism, wandering through one Brady crisis or another, zinging them with a one-liner to break the tension, leaving them shaking their heads, smiling, and saying “Oh, Alice!” That silly, silly Alice. Always quick with the funny while we putter about with our goofy, unimportant issues. She feeds us, she watches after us, she makes sure we always have clean towels and horrible (but clean!) ’70s clothes, she lives in a room off the kitchen and always wears that damn uniform, I’m SURE she isn’t paid even a living wage, what ever would we do without our dear Alice?
Let me ask you this, my friends: every evening when Mom and Dad Brady were lobbing half-hearted flirty comments at each other, when they were giving each other the driest kisses this side of my grandmother, when they were snapping off the lights and turning their backs to each other, silent tears coursing down their cheeks as they each fantasized in their own way about Englebert Humperdink, who was sneaking out the back door? Who was visiting Sam the Butcher at his shop, toting a load of naughty sex toys in her Grandma purse? Who was taking it BUT GOOD out back in the cooler while unsuspecting customers browsed the racks of meat up front? Who, with her sexy shenanigans and pinned-up ‘do that never ever moved, was making Sam (that sexy beast) slap her on the ass and howl “I’VE GOT YOUR PRIME RIB RIGHT HERE, MISSY!”?
Why, that would be one Alice Nelson, that’s who.
So reader Jamie, thank you for your apt comparison. I AM more like Alice than I had ever considered, and I wear the comparison proudly.
And just like Alice, I get MY beefsteak wholesale, too.
“Oh, Alice!”
Tommy climbs into a cat bed. And he marches. And he marches. He marches some more. And when he’s done marching? A bit of marching. Marchmarchmarchmarch. March. March. MARCH. And the entire time, he’s shooting these heavy-lidded looks of love at whoever happens to be around. He marches to the tune of his own drummer, our Toms.
“I’LL GIVE YOU THE P&L STATEMENT!” (Probably only KATG listeners will get that. And only if they’ve listened to last week’s shows. I sure do love that Brother Love.)
HAHA!! Robyn, What a hilarious entry! You must have watched the Brady Bunch as many times as I did!! I loved those Bradys! Alice was the only sane one in the bunch and I loved her too!!
Have a great trip to Maine…and a safe one!
🙂 Kathy
P&L statemen! Bwahahahaa!!!!
I do have to thank you for turning me onto KATG, I’ve been listening for about a year now and they get funnier every freaking day. Last night on my walk I was listening to the latest episode and people were staring at me as I laughed out loud….I cant wait to read their book!
I was going to say “Who’s watched too many Brady Bunch reruns?” but, uh, I was familiar with every episode you mentioned. However, the one with Sam the butcher giving it to Alice in the cooler is a tad fuzzy. Heh.
OMG this entry was the funniest entry EVER!!! Being a child of the 70’s I LOVED the Brady Bunch, especially Marcia. She was my age and she was GROOVY!!
When my daughter moved into her first apartment, which was in a two-family house, the landlady who lived upstairs said something about them all being “good Christian people” and they nodded and said uh-huh because they wanted the apartment. Their impression was that she didn’t want to live in close proximity to people who were other than Christian, for bigotry purposes. As it turns out, none of them were church-going or Christian in any sense, and the old landlady became quite close to my daughter, whose Jewishness somehow never came up in the conversation.
That was hilarious.
Oh man, I’m going to Ohio tomorrow. Better go make sure the windshield wipers are working…
Robyn, I was wondering if we could meet in real life. Because I live in Maine, you see, and since you are coming to Maine, and I thought it would be cool to meet and stuff.
Having read your blog since I lived in New York City, I know that the thought of meeting someone who you only know from online might be alarming, but I swear, I am (mostly) harmless.
I am a bit worried that, when we meet, that I would act like Chris Farley. “You know, that time, when you said that Boogers hets me? That was cool.”
So what do you say?
That needs to be marked as one of your “Best Of…” entries, fer shur.
I am not sure if you answered this already–but how is the Spud doing/adjusting? Is she enjoying her courses? Is she living w/her dad? How are you adjusting to an empty nest?
OMG, I just about peed reading about Alice and weird/dysfunctional Bradys. I always thought I never watched TV growing up, but apparently the Brady Bunch made their way in to my brain. (OH, Englebert….mmm). LOL.
Brumski!
NO BRUMSKI!
I think this is your best entry ever. Again you had me laughing so hard I cried. The only reason I didn’t pee my pants is because I had just been to the ladies room. I have learned my lesson about you. You are never safe. Always go before reading Bitchypoo. You single handedly have convinced my neighbors I am insane with the wild laughing in a otherwise silent apartment.
So when I saw the side-by-side pix of you & Alice I thought, ok, that would be pretty good casting. & then I remembered back in ’96 when I saw Alice in a Broadway show, & I thought, yeah, “Bitchypoo:the Musical.” Cause Alice sings & dances. So what do you say? Hugh Jackman as Fred? My cat BC as Mr. Fancypants, cause they’re twins, & he’s already gay, so broadway’s where he belongs. Can I direct?
The pictures of you and Alice… Oh my gosh! Are you sure she isn’t your mother??
three words: separated. at. birth.
(and any post with that “crack-my-shit-up” pic of Mister Boogers goes into my favorite post category.
Robyn…too funny!!! Ya know, I “heard” that “Alice” is now a born again christian…just a little FYI! :snort:
OMG, too funny. My question is are you still playing Snood? You got me addicted to it for a while, but I haven’t been playing as much lately.
White.
It might not be the way you believe in The Lawd and it might not be in an organized and approved fashion, but The Lawd knows how I feel and what I believe, and he said to tell you to shut the fuck up with all the praising and the prosthelytizing ’cause it gives The Lawd a headache.
Amen to that. So to speak.
I suppose I am the only one of your readers that remembers Ann B. Davis, aka “Alice” as “Schultzie” on the old Robert Cummings series. She played a less-than-glamorous secretary to “Mr. Collins” ala “Ugly Betty” type character.
My question, are your tomatoes “determinate” or “indeterminate” tomatoes. You may have said the variety, but I must have missed it.
Sammi
I am so so happy that you didn’t take my comparison to Alice comment as an insult..Best Entry ever, I agree!
Oh, sweet mother of Cthulhu, that was FUNNY. You should be making the big bucks off this sort of writing, lady.
Bestest, funnyest entry ever. I smell Diaryist Award.
Where did you get your purple comforter? I seem to recall you mentioning it and I tried searching past entries, but I cant find it! Does it hold up well to washing?
Your question and answer Fridays remind me of Smart and Sassy- do you miss it?
Hi Robyn. When I go to Maine I usually end up flying into either Boston or Manchester and driving the rest of the way (tix are much cheaper that way). Do you always fly straight into Portland? That’s my preferred method (I just want to be HOME, not a state or two away and having to drive another couple of hours), but you can never make it from Arizona non-stop. AZ to Boston, yes. AZ to Manchester, no (the stop-over is usually in Philly, but the drive to ME is easier from NH than MA). AZ to Portland, no on that one too. And I HATE getting stuck on the puddle-jumpers. How’s the flights from your neck of the woods? (Also, if you get into Portland, go to J’s Oyster on 5 Portland Pier (next to DiMillos) – AWESOME crab legs).
Robyn, I loved this entry. One of your best! 😀
You’re getting it off with the butcher???????????
What was the going through John Denver’s mind as he was crashing?
His propeller!!!!
Ok, sorry. I love me some John Denver!
Question? Hmm.. how about..are you keeping Maryanne? 😉
Oh yeah and you are seriously Alice’s doppleganger. 😉
Great entry!
I do have one question. I know this is a question better asked at one fat bitchypoo, but I thought I’d take a change and ask.
How much do you eat at a meal now, over a year after your surgery? When you hear about the gastric bypass, it seems like you only can eat a couple of tablespoons of food at mealtime. But sometimes I see your pictures of what you’re eating (which looks great, BTW) and I wonder if you’ll eat it all. It’s not huge portions by any means, but more than a couple of bites.
Been thinking about WLS, and just curious.
Wow! You DO resemble Alice Nelson and that is a totally great thing! I always thought she was lovely. Seriously, she had that clean, wholesome look going on in the maid uniform. In off-duty outfits, she had a natural beauty. I figured the producers downplayed her attractiveness to make Florence Henderson look better.
Boy, I really went on and on about that, didn’t I?
Do you ever feel like blowing off Maine some years and going someplace different?
Question: Do you dread and hate going to get your hair colored as much as I do? I hate the thought of sitting there and having to come up with conversation (I have one of those hairdressers that gets offended if you try to sit there and read a magazine and zone out and not talk to him. Aargh!)?
Another question: What happened to the links to other sites that you read? I used to go there all the time and check out other blogs (sorry–journals 🙂 that way…
As a lifelong resident of the Great State of Ohio* I will serve as the spokesperson and let you know that we would be proud to have your million pieces. 😉
*even if Nance does hate us, I still think we’re great!!
holy CRAP this was funny, woman!! Way to send yourself off on vacation!
I LOVE YOU. I wish you a wonderful, magnetastic trip, ma’am.
How do you cook your black-eyed peas? They are a new thing for this Yankee.
Katy, I do not hate people from Ohio – I hate driving through Ohio. There is a difference. That drive makes me crazy and anybody who has seen me flip the fuck out in Dayton would completely understand. Too much of nothing, man. Absolutely nothing. But fields. You know it’s bad when you find yourself hoping for a tornado to come whipping up just so you have somethign to look at! 🙂
I have one word for you about Andy Dick: “NewsRadio.” He is nothing but funny, funny, funny in that. He is only outdone by the brilliant, departed Phil Hartman there (and quite outdone at that – but who wouldn’t be?). Have you ever watched it? If not, it’s worth a rent – at least the first four seasons.
And holy cow! All the Brady Bunch knowledge – love it!
“Who was taking it BUT GOOD out back in the cooler while unsuspecting customers browsed the racks of meat up front? Who…was making Sam (that sexy beast) slap her on the ass and howl “I’VE GOT YOUR PRIME RIB RIGHT HERE, MISSY!”?”
The others are so right, one of the soon-to-be-classic Bitchypoo entries. The imagery “taking it BUT GOOD…” and “unsuspecting customers browsed the *racks of meat*” mmmm I can just smell that meatcooler smell 🙂
And dare I say “I’ve got your Prime Rib, right HERE, Missy” may be in the running to (for a month, maybe?) replace “An acidic and hostile place”… in the banner.
I’m just sayin’ – and I love your journal.
Thanks for the stroll down Brady Lane. FUNNY entry!!
One of the BEST! ENTRIES! EVAH!! I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. Thanks 🙂
And I can totally picture the Lawd telling us to shut the fuck up whilst pulling out his white hair. And now I’m going directly to hell.
OMG you ARE ALICE!
After years of moving around and living in different communities early on in our marriage I learned a hard lesson. Neighbors are neighbors and to be kept that way!
Keep them at arms length; resist the urge to become friends… Because, believe me, if the friendship sours for whatever reason you are left with someone you have to see forevermore (until you move)and it is damned uncomfortable.
The introvert side of me wants to say.. ‘Offend her right away!! Just enough to believe she can never be friends with you!’ Nothing personal but enough to keep her on her own turf.
Then I feel bad. Because what kind of world do we live in when we do not want to get to know our neighbors. I love mine. Just last night one of them helped me break into my house with his long ladder (son locked us out) and the other had me over for a much needed drink. Just saying, keep the neighbors close. Just not TOO close.
Oh my that was the funniest thing I have read in ages. I’m at work trying hard not to giggle so not to bother the other people in a totally silent room but then I couldn’t take it anymore and had to laugh and snort and apologize for sounding like an idiot.
Do you guys have to pay for your water or do you have your own well? I remember reading about watering the garden and know how big it is was thinking that you must pay an arm and a leg for water.
It is my belief that The Lawd makes talky-talk hand motions behind people’s backs when they are going on and on about The Lawd.
And, that was the best fucking commentary on the Brady Bunch that I have ever had the pleasure to read.
Late burning questions. When are you leaving? How long are you going to be gone? Will you post while you are in Maine? Have a great trip!