Now, really. First of all, I don’t EVEN know what would have made Mister Seller come to such a conclusion, because we’ve never thrown our hands in the air and Praised the Lawd, we’ve never been spotted walking into a church, we’ve never even discussed The Lawd and His Teachings with Mister Seller. If I’ve ever done anything but smile and wave in the general direction of Mister Seller, I would be amazed. Perhaps it was the lack of “Motherfucks” and “GodDAMNs” laced through Fred’s inquiry as to how much Mister Seller would be selling his house for that led him to this belief.
Secondly of all, JUST HOW IN THE HOLY FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER SUCH AN ACCUSATION? What, do I shake my head and sternly say “Mister Seller is quite mistaken. Please leave my house immediately, in the name of Satan and all his Minions.”? Shake my head and say “The day I step across the threshold of a church is the day lightning will immediately strike me dead.”? Shake my head and growl “Now, that is none of your GODDAMNED BUSINESS, WOMAN.”? Yell Allahu akbar and detonate myself?
Instead, I smiled and nodded and changed the subject. Hopefully it won’t bite me in the ass in the form of her coming a-knockin’ on Sunday mornings, asking if I want to join her at church.
* * *
Y’all, anyone who has the same kind of glasses as my new ones, when I said they were “unattractive”, what I meant is that they were not the most attractive glasses for my dark-circled eyes. Not attractive on ME. You, I am sure, look SMASHING in them.
* * *
Canned yesterday: five pints of salsa (Fred made me put three green peppers, one habanero, and five jalapeños in the salsa. Guess who won’t be eating any of THAT salsa?
Also, I finished up my red cinnamon pickles and canned them. I’m going to let them sit for a bit before I give them a try. I hope they ROCK.
The bread and butter pickles I mentioned in yesterday’s entry is
this recipe. Clearly I made some changes to the recipe, and it works well for me.
If you’ve got a kick-ass bread and butter pickle recipe that doesn’t end up with nasty, limp pickles, feel free to share!
* * *
Why does Holly Hunter always talk out of the side of her mouth? It’s very odd. It’s annoying and distracting and I’m not sure I can continue to watch Saving Grace unless Kenneth Johnson (“Lem” to we lovers of The Shield; “Ham” on Saving Grace) walks nekkidly across the screen. Maybe he needs to stop and do some deep-knee bends, too. And if there were a nekkid embrace between he and “Butch”, and maybe a little kiss with some tongue…
Um, what? What was I saying? I think I lost a little time there.
I’m not sure a police detective who appears to be as well-regarded in her field as Grace Hanadarko (Holly Hunter) would be walking around with her frazzled hair flying in all directions. Surely she’d be dropping hair all over the crime scenes. Isn’t that, like, a no-no?
Also, Laura San Giacomo’s character’s immediate and unquestioning acceptance of the idea that her dear friend is regularly seeing and speaking to an angel has my bullshit detector allllll the way over in the red zone.
For the record, you come and tell me you’re seeing and talking to a tobacco-chewing angel named Earl, you’d better be bringing Earl along with you, and he’d better be prepared to do some nifty tricks (see above re: Ham and Butch and nekkidness), or I’ll be avoiding you but quick.
In case you were wondering.
* * *
Speaking of television shows, I’m still watching (and digging) Big Love, and I have got to say: that actor who plays
Alby Grant is one creepy motherfucker.
And he’s got some seriously mean eyes. I for sure wouldn’t want to run into HIM in a dark alley.
Speaking of Big Love, I saw a woman at the post office yesterday who bore a striking resemblance to
Mary Kay Place. I wanted to ask her how Roman was doing, but she didn’t look like she was up for discussing THAT particular topic.
Lastly, you know how
Nicki‘s kid (Wayne, I think?) always calls Bill “Father”? Every time he does that, it makes me nervous. Because how long will it be before they’re out in public and someone who doesn’t know of Bill’s polygamist ways hears the kid call him “Father” and the jig will be up? Doesn’t the child have friends to whom he accidentally lets it slip that his father is married to three women?
PS:
Melora Walters will always, always be Jessie from
Boogie Nights to me.
PPS: LOVE that crazy
Lois. LOVE HER.
* * *
Holy CRAP someone needs some o’ them tooth-whitening strips, pronto.
* * *
Previously
2006: It’s been a year since we found Crooked Acres. Hard to believe.
2005: They are NAS-TAY, and trust me when I say that you’d be better off never bothering to try the nasty things.
2004: No entry.
2003: No entry.
2002: Looking at this hormone-laden piece of meat makes me… well, it makes me kinda drool, actually.
2001: I just smiled and nodded and kept walkin’.
2000: Mustard algae. Why must he doubt me?]]>
Am I the first comment? I’ve been reading for years and this is a first!! You are up early lady! It’s not even 8am and you have an entry!! I am about to leave for work! Have a great day!
Oh Robyn, I love that you start my day with laughs! I had the church problem with my neighbors when we moved into our house a couple years ago. They kept asking us to come to church with them, I kept politely saying no – but it kept on and on and on. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore and the next time they asked me to go, I just told them that I didn’t believe in their God. I said that if they thought that made me a bad person in their eyes, that was fine but I would not be attending church with them or anyone else. Haven’t been asked since and they stopped talking to us pretty much all together! 🙂 Bonus!
I agree on the side mouth talking thing and the hair. It drives me batty!
Nicki still needs a smack. I say she is going to develop a new gambling habit to go along with her credit card/shopping thing. She will single handedly bring down the family with her issues. She needs a smack.
Ok… I have a question for your Friday edition.
Last week you said that you feed the kitties Nutro, which is what we are feeding Lily and Milo. These two are the rootinest, tootinest, fartinest kitties EVAH! Not just little silent ones either–they let out rippers! And the burping–don’t even get me started on the burping (belching, really). They love the food and are very healthy kitties, but I wonder if any other kitties get gas from Nutro or if I’m just lucky to have 2 fluffy gasbags. Have you noticed the cats getting gas from any specific food?
OMG! Every single time I see that picture of Mister Boogers, I crack up. It’s fucking hilarious! HA!
That picture of Mister Boogers just never stops being funny. Heh.
Of the possible answers to the neighbor lady, I prefer the “Satan and his minions” choice (bwah!), but I’m sure I would have smiled vaguely and changed the subject tout suite, too. Now I’m curious what gave Mr. Seller that impression!
If your neighbors do envite you to church,just tell them that you do not believe in organized relegion and that you do all your praise and worship in the back 40. I agree with you about Holly Hunter. I have never noticed her talking like that in her movies. I wonder if she has ill fitting dentures or maybe had a mild stroke. I also love to watch Big Love and I think Nickie and Alby make the show more interesting. Nicky is much prettier than she is portrayed on the show.
Using Mr. Boogers picture like that cracked me up- it’s so perfect.
Welcome to The South as far as your new neighbor’s Christian comment, right? I think the way you handled it is the only way you could have. God, good luck with her. xo
That lady “put you on the spot” and I think that’s rude. I’ve had that happen to me so many times over the years (just wrote a journal entry about it last week, as a matter of fact) and I’m always at a loss for words. Remember how the Walking Dude made your husband feel when he kept begging for money? That’s nearly the same way these people make me feel when they ask me a question like that. It’s almost a challenge. The last few years at Christmas have been especially interesting. With the media and church groups spouting that stores are trying to take Christ out of Christmas, I’ve noticed people at stores, post offices, etc., make a point to look me in the eye and say “Merry Christmas” just to see if I say it back or not. This can be weeks before Christmas, which to me is really silly, because why are they wishing me a Merry Christmas when it’s not even Christmas? What if I’m Jewish? What if I don’t say it back (and I don’t)? Either way, I resent it because it’s so clearly a challenge (not everyone, but it’s pretty easy to tell the ones who are trying to make a point).
My dad has some church people come to his door a while back, and the young teenage boy actually asked Dad if he thought that if he died today, would he be going to heaven? It really offended him that a young punk would ask this to a man in his 70s. I don’t know what their church is teaching them, but they need to step back to the basics about how to treat your elders with respect and dignity. I know the boy’s intentions, but that doesn’t excuse the way he went about it, in my opinion.
Working at the frame shop, amongst a bunch of over the top Christians, I’m oftened asked by the elderly what church I attend to. At which time, I laugh and say “Oh no, I’m not a churchgoer but Mr. Frame Shop hired me hoping he’d rub off on me one day. 5 years later and I’m still a heathen. Guess my powers are stronger.”
I’m always amazed at how much they seem to like this answer. I think they’re all hoping they’ll rub off on me. Assured that if they do, they’ll be given the key to the city at the pearly gates.
Your ex-neighbor probably thinks ya’ll are good christians because you rescue the animals that THEY leave behind. You can clarify to the new neighbor that you love animals, but hate people. Isn’t there a religion for that?
Bed, Bath and Beyond used to sell doormats that said “Go Away”. I loved ours until it got too worn out to read.
Being a “good Christian” really isn’t about going to church, in my book. In fact, there are some very BAD Christians attending church. Maybe your neighbor just meant that you and Fred are hard-working, honest, compassionate people and you don’t go around having drunken orgies in the back 40 or offer drug-laced candy to little children.
I can’t read the comments because I’m afraid I’ll see something about BIG LOVE (I’m about 4 episodes behind now), but LOIS, I almost wish that crazy bitch was my mother because it has got to be some fun!
And I think when we come down we should play Catchphrase outside – that will solve Good Christian problem right there!
She will always be Jessie from Boogie Nights to me, too. One of my favorite movies. Big Love is beyond awesome. Don’t forget it’s moving to Sundays at 9 (if you watch it live) for the last two episodes of the season – boy did THAT go fast!
I love it when you use that stunned picture of Mr. Boogers. I think it perfectly relays that feeling of “Whaaaa??”.
When I was talking to Mr. Seller that time about the price of his house, he recommended I pray about getting good neighbors. I just kept talking.
Plus, down here in the south, it’s generally assumed you’re a good Christian person unless you prove otherwise.
I bet that lady mentioned Mr Seller more as a way of bringing the religion subject up. I bet he never mentioned such a thing. She’s a LIAR! It was her way of finding out, without just nosily asking a question which, upon first meeting a person for the first time, is COMPLETELY inappropriate. You should have responded with, “oh, by the way, Mr. Seller mentioned that you and your husband like to swing”. And see how far THAT conversation would go!
I think I just peed myself. This was hysterical…..and ironically, I live way up north in NY, but I still deal with a neighbor who won’t let my fairly normal kids play with hers because we aren’t ‘good christians’. I’ve always wondered how to respond to some of her statements too—this was great.
Holly Hunter looks and talks weird due to plastic surgery, which made a bad problem worse. I wonder if she had the same surgeon as David Carradine (who I love, btw). And, yes, hair blowing into the evidence would be a big no-no in real life.
Your neighbor was fishing inappropriately, and you answered just right. You can always be up-front if she questions you directly later, but IMO you were smart not to tip your hand yet. But, yeah, that subject is SO not her business (or anyone’s).
Be prepared, because your new nosy neighbor won’t let it go, I’d bet.
My new neighbors kept on inviting us to church and leaving church literature on the porch. They didn’t stop until I told them we were buddhists, now they do not talk to us at all (which is how I like my neighbors:)
Haha, I love how you inserted Mister Boogers’ pic after the “good christian” remark…brilliant!
I tried Saving Grace and watched it for 2 episodes, but I couldn’t get into it. I agree with you on the talking out of the side of her mouth thing. I’ve always found her annoying and her character is one that I do not care about at all.
When I can type with more than one hand (hand surgery! there’s no lewd behaviour happening in the comments!), I’ll tell you one of my meetup with a Southern Baptist. I’m an Athiest. World views were rocked, but not mine. Regularly I’ll describe myself as a secular humanist, which usually stops the conversations dead.
Re: Big Love, shouldn’t Margene be ready to pop by now, or at least getting close to it? She announced she was pregnant in one of the closing eps of last season, and yet she’s still bouncing along with nary a bump in sight.
Also, I think Nicki, Margene and Whatsername should just off Bill and form their own commune with as many toyboys as they like, but that’s just me.
I once had some fundies stop by to recruit us to go to their church. When I shooed them away, the pastor said, “Well, come to church if you wanna go to heaven,” to which I replied, “That’s okay, I’m coming back.” We never heard from them again.
We hide when the Jehovah Witnesses start canvassing our neighborhood, and we actually do go to church. But I would never shove my religion down someone else’s throat, because I don’t think God really needs door to door salesmen 🙂
Why is it that you think Ben Affleck’s head is so big, anyway?? I just checked him out again via Google, and I still wouldn’t throw him out of bed.
You should have answered her with what was (more or less) exactly going through your head: “He said WHAT? What would give him that idea?”
I’ve found that a three-second stare and then a properly inflected, “…huh” works well in those situations.
Or tell her that you are devoutly religious, and you practice this lady’s religion.
Any religion that involves pouring lighter fluid on a fire is okay by me, man.
Old family story here – My great grandfather was a laying on his death bed (I can say stuff like that, he was from Kentucky!)and his daughter who had found religion kept asking and asking : “Paw, have you been saved ? Say you’ve been saved!”
Finally the old geezer said ” YES, now goddamnit leave me the hell alone !”
Onery, huh? Sigh, its in my genes…
alby grant is creepy. he was also creepy in stephen king’s “rose red” as the overweight guy who mother came looking for him. i googled him and he was also in “face/off” and “american psycho” but i don’t remember him. matt ross is name, not that it matters anyway.
i also would like to smack nicki in the face. she is trouble. i wish they would have a flashback prequel show to show how nicki came to be the second wife. that would be interesting to see what the attraction was.
i hit post too soon.
i think holly hunter was originally trained as a ventriloquist, because it looks like she is trying not to move her mouth when she talks. imagine her with howdy doody on her lap and you will see what i mean.
I am a Big Love addict. Personally, I enjoy the hell out of Nicki. I love how she is such a nutball. And I loved the episode where she saw Bill go down on Margene. That was hilarious. How ’bout the end of that last episode? Where Rhonda sang “The Happiest Girl”? That was very dramatic and moving to me.
Nance! Avert your eyes, do NOT read Miz S’s comment!
My husband and I giggle like idiots when we joke about behaving like a “good girl” vs. “bad girl” (a la Nicki and Margene). LOVE that show.
I just tell people I “home church” my kids and they don’t have a comeback.
Sees angels: http://www.carolguy.com/about.html