Yesterday I saw my doctor for my every-six-months checkup. I had my blood drawn the week before, so she went over the test results with me. All the numbers are where they’re supposed to be, my blood pressure was 110/70, I am healthy as a horse. All I needed was another prescription for my thyroid meds, and I was good to go.
If you’re in the Madison area and need a good Primary Care doctor, let me know. I absolutely adore my doctor, I love everyone who works there, I very highly recommend them. Love ’em!
Of course, isn’t it right after you get the “You’re healthy as can be!” diagnosis from your doctor that you have an aneurysm or heart attack or die of some mysterious disease? I’m sure the instant she said that, that a clock started counting down to my demise.
I give it two weeks.
I stopped on the way home to pick up baby food (for the kittens and Spanky). I tend to always buy every jar of Gerber Chicken baby food that they have on the shelf because it’s the sort of thing that I always need to have on hand, and usually they don’t keep that item particularly well stocked. This time around, they must have stocked pretty recently, because there were 30 jars on the shelf.
That’s right, I bought them all.
Then I walked down to the pharmacy section and picked up a box of ear plugs for Fred. We both wear ear plugs at night, but can’t wear the same kind (the ones he likes are too long for my ear canal, and that sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it?). So I tossed the ear plugs in the cart and headed over to check out.
I’d just gotten all the jars of baby food onto the conveyer belt and was putting the box of ear plugs next to them when an elderly lady came up behind me. I was standing there looking at the covers of the tabloids (it’s how I keep abreast of the important news!) when I thought to look over at her to see why she was standing there, unmoving, instead of unloading her groceries.
She was staring at the baby food and the ear plugs. She gave me a Look, then glanced back at the baby food and ear plugs, and gave me another Look.
I can’t imagine what she thought I was going to do, but she clearly didn’t approve. I only wish I’d been buying a case of beer while I was at it. THAT probably would have blown her mind.
(I wish I’d thought to look in a judgmental manner at HER groceries. I could have been all “Mmhmm. I see. You’re buying bread. You’re THAT kind of person, are you? Please stay back.”)
Then I had to endure a long, involved conversation with the bagger, who wanted to know how old my baby was. Then she was surprised that I would give the baby food to kittens because she thought it was for babies. I told her that it was made for human babies but that kittens like it, and she was all kinds of amazed by that.
Why do I have to earnestly answer these questions that strangers ask me? WHY couldn’t I have just said “Two babies. And yes, they adore chicken baby food.” Then probably she would have been all “Are they twins?” and I would have had to stop and consider the likelihood of my wandering out to the grocery store on a whim, because WHO was watching the twins? I bet she would have wanted to know who was babysitting, and then she would have gotten all pushy about how she’s a great baby sitter, and she would have been all “You should go out Friday night and I can babysit!”
Oh, but wait, she couldn’t have babysat the twins – Claude and Chauncey. They’re redheads and big for their age.- Friday night because her Mom is taking her to the beach to go swimming this weekend. (I wish I was kidding about knowing her plans for the weekend, she told me ALL about her beach plans, and excuse me HOW long does it TAKE to ring up 30 goddamn jars of baby food, DAVID THE CASHIER, for fuck’s sake? This is why I try not to leave the house. The chattiness and the mumbling. And why is it that the chattiest people are the worst mumblers? What the FUCK? I just smile and nod and hope I haven’t inadvertently agreed to wear a puffy shirt on the Today Show. For fuck’s sake, people, SPEAK THE FUCK UP.)
The chattiness I could have done without, but when all my groceries were bagged and I was ready to go, she didn’t even act like she was dying to take my groceries out to the car. That’s how I prefer my baggers, personally – the ones who are all “No, really! I’ve got it! Let’s go!” and then zoom off with my fucking cart drive me nuts. It’s bad enough I’ve gotta chitchat with the people inside the store, I need to chitchat all the way out to my car? NO THANK YOU.
Usually if they try to insist, I smile a smile that doesn’t even try to resemble a real smile, and I say “I’m stronger than I look!” and off I go.
Speaking of being stronger than I look, last time I was at Sam’s, I bought a couple of 40-pound bags of Fresh Step.
(Actually, they might have been 42-pound bags. They did away with the awesomely convenient and handy 40-pound buckets in favor of earth-saving plastic bags, and make it up to the consumer by making them two pounds heavier.)
I’d put the first one in the cart, and was reaching for the second one, when a little old lady who worked there came toddling over.
“Oh my goodness!” she said, all full of concern. “You shouldn’t be lifting that! Let me do it!”
She was like four feet tall and frail. I could have broken her in half if I’d laughed too hard in her direction. In retrospect, I wish I’d let her do it, because I’m curious as to whether she would have been able to. Instead I just smiled, said “I’m stronger than I look!” and grabbed the second bag.
Hmm. Maybe SHE is ALSO stronger than she looks! I hadn’t considered that ’til now.
Some time ago, I got really into listening to Bob & Sheri on the radio in the morning. It’s a syndicated show, and Fred started listening to it on the way to work. He talked about it so often that I started listening to it in the mornings when I was taking a shower. Eventually, I started downloading the podcasts and listening to it when I was doing chores and working in the garden, because I always felt like I was missing something – they’d do a “Blah blah blah something interesting something you wanna hear – coming up in 30 minutes!” teaser, but HELLO. I’ve got shit to DO, I can’t be cooling my heels waiting to hear what you’ve got to tell me, even though it DOES sound really interesting. (The bonus is that when listening to the podcasts, you don’t have to listen to that pesky “music”, just the talk-show part of the show.)
I continued to listen to them when I was showering and getting ready in the morning, because I really like the show.
And then.
AND THEN.
The radio station stopped carrying Bob and Sheri. THE FRICKIN’ NERVE of them. They’ve replaced them with a (I’m sure much less expensive) local team that I absolutely cannot stand. The woman of the team has been on this station for years, and Fred loathes her. She laughs and laughs and laughs at every innocuous, unfunny thing her morning show partner says – this is not her first “morning team” situation, she’s been part of other morning teams, as well as on her own – and I really can’t stand it.
(Fred’s sure she’s either related to or sleeping with someone who has final say about the deejays at that station.)
So now my morning showers are without joy. I can still listen to Bob and Sheri via the podcasts, but I don’t listen to the iPod in the shower (I could get speakers for the iPod, but eh. I don’t wanna.) and I don’t much care for any of the other morning teams on the local stations. I can stand whozits on WZYP (Mojo, I think?), but I prefer to listen to nothing at all.
Fucking program managers – or whoever the hell is responsible for that kind of decision-making. I used to listen to Ace and TJ several years ago, but they all of a damn sudden stopped carrying them, too.
Fucking fuckers.
PS: I know I’ve been sucking at responding to comments. I’m going to have a big comment-answering post on Friday. Possibly Monday. One or the other!
Previously
2011: “Sweet pickled Jesus is it hot out there!”
2010: No entry.
2009: No entry.
2008: We’re fun like that.
2007: Did the Zodiac Killer curse them with doughy bodies, was that the unspoken conspiracy?
2006: No entry.
2005: Debbie: “Oh, right. I used to boil Brian’s nipples when he was a baby.”
2004: Hawaii.
2003: No entry.
2002: Y’know, I have way too much fun making fun of that man.
2001: Excuse me, he’s known about this closing for well over a month and still can’t manage to be on time? How self-important can you be?
2000: Fucking every time I drive through Pennsylvania it fucking pours down rain.
Maybe when they start bugging you with questions about the baby/cat food you could just shout (or say in a loud voice) “I’m a crazy cat lady” and start cackling. That would shut them up!
Of course you might need to switch stores after that but… it might be fun for those few minutes?
About the baby question, I would have probably rattled off a half dozen kitten names that sound VAGUELY like people names (Norland, Russet, Fianna, Agata, Kennebec and (the coup de grace) Dingwall Scotty)…
“Well, the little ones Norland, Russett, Fianna, Agata, Kennebec and Dingwall Scotty just love their chicken but they get to howling something fierce in the middle of the night, so the earplugs are such a blessing!”. Miss Judgeypants in line behind you probably would have had Child Protective Services dialed before you got out of the store…
And thinking of an unfortunate child being named Dingwall Scotty (and I fully believe it COULD happen) makes me laugh and laugh…
Fred couldn’t remember his full name the other day and referred to him as “Dingwall Wally”, and for some reason I like that even better. It’s so ridiculously awesome!
It’s probably not fucking Program Manager’s fault. It’s the fucking CORPORATION that owns a chain of radio stations across the Country who decided to cut a corner and take off your beloved show. We should find out which one that is and drop a pox upon them!
Should have told them the baby food was for your 12 year old daughter.
Can I tell you how much I HATE!! those 42 lb squares of litter? If they were in a real bag, they’d be easier to wrangle, but those squares? Hate hate hate hate.
PSA: Don’t ever put one in the baby seat in your cart. They somehow wedge themselves through the corner space and you’ll end up sweating buckets and depleting your swear word vocab before you get it out.
Oh my god, yes. I wish like hell they’d bring back the buckets – those damn 42-pound bricks drive me NUTS.
You need to come up with the most elaborate back story about your family when people start asking you those questions. Even better, change it up every time and watch their expression. 🙂
Robyn, I’m asking for advice/suggestions from you and other readers. I have a cat who is about 20. Although she’s been mostly healthy her whole life, she is pretty frail and starting to have issues. She had a UTI earlier this year, which she’d never had before. She also has feline herpes and takes L-lysine every day for that. She’s been a cat that pukes a lot pretty much her whole life. She’s been eating Newmann’s Organic canned food for a while now and it HAD been great. Once we switched her to it, she all but stopped throwing up. Before settling on Newmann’s, we’d tried MANY MANY brands. All the grocery store brands get puked almost immediately. We have also tried a bunch of brands at the high end fancy pet store, and most of them make her throw up also. Anything with chunks, most brands with grains, all dry food. Well, the last few weeks, she doesn’t want to eat the Newmann’s, she doesn’t like it. At first I thought it was her appetite, but she’s hungry, she just doesn’t want the Newmann’s. I tried putting baby food on the Newmann’s, but no matter how well I mix it, she’s extremely adept at licking the baby food off the cat food. I went to the pet store yesterday and got a few cans of food she hasn’t tried, so far two came right up, one stayed down. The one that stayed down was by B.F.F., and is a tuna blend. I’m not sure a fish-based food is good for ALWAYS, though? Anyway. She went to the vet Monday and she’d lost half a pound (and now weighs 6 lbs, she’s tiny) since she was there a couple of months ago. Any advice for feeding a finicky old cat?
huh…why did I spell Newman’s wrong so many times…
Re: 30 jars baby food purchase. Tell them you’re the local “Octo-Mom”. Heh!
Hey, I have more mouths to feed than she does! 😀
I have read you for years but have never commented. Until now. I ran a ferret shelter/rescue for years and did the same chicken baby food hording as you do. Same situation, two flats of baby food and a few other sundry items, old lady standing behind me – “Honey. Babies need more than just chicken!” “We’ve decided to raise the baby as a strict carnivore…”
I’m going to hell, I’m aware.
HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Robyn, next time someone comments on your chicken baby food reply that you raise cannibal chickens!
Speaking of morning shows, have you ever tried The Morning Stream (http://www.frogpants.com/tms)? It’s my favorite podcast ever… it never fails to crack me up AND I usually get my news that way because I like their balanced point of view, vs. the “OMG WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” mindset of the local TV news.
I had never heard of it, but I’m going over now to add it to my podcasts!
Oh, also, those 42 lb litter bags are a pain in the @$$ to maneuver! I’ve noticed that half the time it’s cheaper to buy two 25 lb boxes at my local Petsmart (the ONLY store in the area to carry the Fresh Step) than it is to buy the 42 lb one!!
I know you get unscented of that litter, btw, but let me just warn you — do NOT try the “extreme odor control” version that’s fairly new. I use the regular scented kind and while it’s a little dusty, it’s not too bad… but the extreme odor? OMG… I thought I’d keel over and die of litter lung the first time I scooped it — any time I scooped, a huge cloud of dust went up. And after one day of using it, all my cats AND my dog were sneezing constantly. So I packed the remaining bags back to the store and exchanged them and changed out all my litter… which wasn’t too much of a hassle just because I had been planning on reconfiguring my litter box situation so that I had more than just one box. The new cat I adopted last month is a bit hissy and fighty with my others, so it’s all just gonna be a better lay out with three litter boxes now.
And just to make this comment even LOOOOOOOOONGER, I wanted to thank you for always being willing to share your tips about cat care. I took your idea of making litter boxes out of buckets and did the same thing, but with those really big laundry buckets with the rope handles. I found them for $5 each at a restaurant supply place and got three, cut holes in them, and filled ’em up. It’s helped cut down on the fighting that was going on with the new guy… which has also cut down on the stress that apparently my dog was feeling because she expressed her displeasure of the whole situation by peeing on my bed. TWICE. *headdesk* Now things seem to be much happier with multiple litter/feeding stations in the house and I actually feel like I’m going to be able to keep the new guy (there was a moment when I was seriously considering taking him back… but I’m glad I didn’t immediately do that because I LOVE him to bits now that there’s not quite as much fighting and strife happening). So anyway. THANK YOU! I started reading your blog because you make me laugh, but every once in awhile, I actually learn somethin’, too 😉
Hey, I try to spread the knowledge, y’know. 😀
I’m sad to tell you that I ran out of Fresh Step and wasn’t able to get to Petsmart, so I bought the “Extreme Odor Control” at Walmart. I didn’t notice the dust so much (I don’t fill up the whole litter box with Fresh Step, I mix it with Cat’s Pride Fresh & Light, with a layer of Cat Attract on top, because I have nothing better to do than mix litter, I guess.), but the scent was killing me. I’d pick up a kitten and think “Who rubbed perfume on this kitten?!” It was one of those scents that’s pleasant at first, but after a while I mentally linked it to the litter box, which made it automatically UNpleasant!
I too, used to listen to Bob and Sheri, and you’re right: that woman in the morning is insufferable. I’m back to listening to CDs in the car in the mornings.
When my cat Spaz was first diagnosed with a chronic issue (about ten years ago) the vet didn’t stock the medication he needed, so I got it from the local pharmacy. Apparently that pharmacy wasn’t used to filling veterinary prescriptions, so EVERY time I went to get a refill for the first year I had to reassure the pharmacy tech that no, I did NOT name my child Spaz.
Bwahaha! You should have told them it was a nickname. HEE.
I agree with Fred’s take on the annoying talent less female DJ. We had a horrible female DJ on a local station here once and I thought the same exact thing. Her voice and laugh were awful too. That job is not for everyone.
Bats do eat mosquitoes but I like them outside please!
I once read in Dear Abby that the way to shut down a person’s nosy questions is to look them in the eye and say, “Why do you want to know?” I’ve never tried it yet but I can feel it coming one of these days soon. Age takes the filters away-that’s what my friend tells me and I think she is right. I’m curious to see the reaction.
As per Terry Pratchett, little old ladies may be the single strongest known force in all the multiverses:
“The ability of skinny old ladies to carry huge loads is phenomenal. Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.” – Reaper Man
(And the same sentiment phrased slightly differently in about four other books)
As for the old lady giving you the stink-eye, I’ve found a simple “Something?” (as in, “was there something you wanted to say) works pretty well most of the time. Then when they make their incorrect observation – “What do you do, put the earplugs in when the baby cries?” – you can simply laugh merrily and say, “How silly! You’re quite a card, aren’t you?” and then go back to ignoring them, content in the knowledge that they’ll be obsessing about it all day.
I love the Terry Pratchett quote – I’m hoping to be one of those super-strong old ladies that everyone’s like “I tried to help her move the couch, but she was just all ‘You’re moving too slow! I’ll do it myself!'” 🙂
I miss Bob and Sheri. I tried to listen to the Steve Shannon with DeeDee morning show, but the two together annoy me. I might have to pay for a subscription to the XM Radio just so I can listen to good music on the way to work and not some stupid morning show.
I would have just told the checker I was putting my baby on low carb diet. Need to get rid of that baby fat don’t you know.;-) I find that people stop asking me questions when I do stuff like that.
Hah! I vote for this one
HA! “I canNOT have a chubby baby!!!”
Are you talking about DeeDee, formerly of “Chris & DeeDee”? Dear sweet GOD, how I hated them! No talent, no chemistry and not even REMOTELY funny. And they were on for YEARS. WHY????
YES, I’m talking about DeeDee. God, she drives me nuts. I mean, I get laughing politely, but she GUFFAWED over EVERY SINGLE WORD that Chris ever uttered. If I’m driving longer than 10 minutes, I bring my iPod and listen to it instead.
I get the feeling I’m going to feel like an idiot after asking this but… is there not any other radio station you could listen to? I seldom leave the radio on the same station for more than about 20 minutes because some of the DJs bug me, but… when the obnoxious DJs start talking I just flip over to someone who’s playing music, or talking about something interesting. No?
Well, there are – but the problem is that none of the morning shows on any of the radio stations are at all appealing (though I can listen to one of them without grinding my teeth), and they all seem to be talking at the same time. I forget which button leads to the Annoying DeeDee Show, and invariably end up on it sooner or later, and have to fume about how much I hate her. 🙂
LOL I get that… I have six stations on the “FM1” setting and four on the “FM2” setting, and I often forget whether I’m on FM1 or FM2; I’ll punch a button and be shocked out of my gourd that KLAQ, the “classic rock/new rock” station, is playing Lady Gaga, or that the hip-hop station is having an Iron Maiden marathon. Disorienting. (c:
Your story about “the Look” at the store has me chuckling. Years ago, in fact so long ago that I can’t remember many of the details, I made a multi-item purchase at the store which earned me “a Look.” The only thing I remember for sure is that I was buying a large baster. There might also have been a bucket in the pile. I got “a Look” like “are you a sick fucker or somethin’?”
I told a friend about “the Look” and we had a good laugh. That led to a series of conversations where we would speculate about what combination of items might result in “a Look.” For kicks, we always threw a large baster into the mix.
🙂
I love Bob & Sheri! Have been listening to them for years!