Reading Mac’s entry the other day about interviewing candidates for an administrative assistant position in her office, specifically the part where she asked the candidates to tell her a joke, made me stop and think. And there’s only one joke I know off the top of my head.
The joke:
What’s brown and sticky?
Answer: A stick!
I would never get hired if I told that joke because I’d tell it and then I’d guffaw like a goon for about five minutes afterward.
Saturday dawned cool and sunny, and I puttered around the house for a few hours while Fred puttered around outside. I went to fill the bird feeders and realized that they were NASTY and desperately needed to be cleaned out. I honestly don’t remember the last time I cleaned any of the bird feeders, but I need to get on it and start doing it regularly, because that kind of nastiness shall not be tolerated in MY bird feeders.
Not tolerated, I say!
So I spent half an hour soaking and then scrubbing out the bird feeders, and ugh the SMELL from those damn things. I put them out back to dry and refilled and rehung them Sunday morning, and the birds seem pretty happy about the clean-and-filled bird feeders.
Fred finished what he was doing pretty early and then he surfed around looking for something we could spend the rest of the day doing. We talked about going to the movies, but didn’t want to waste the nice weather sitting in a movie theater. We ended up going for a drive to locate the place where the pigs are going to be processed in a few days.
(Yes. I do feel sorry for them. No. We’re not changing our minds, but I will miss being entertained by their antics, even if their antics are hanging out in their wallow 23 hours a day and eating the other hour a day. Well. Probably it’s more of a 20 hour/ 4 hour split, but I haven’t really timed it or anything.)
Then we hopped onto the highway and drove to South Huntsville, where we visited a nature preserve. It’s, basically, a drive-through animal park with free-roaming “exotic” animals. We visited there several years ago with the spud and enjoyed it, so we decided to check it out again.
We enjoyed the drive, and I have got to say – there’s just nothing as entertaining as emus. We always call them Bill Phillips, due to the striking resemblance, and we spent much of the trip yelling “Here comes Bill Phillips, roll up your window!” and “Bill Phillips is angry today.” and “Go away Bill Phillips, I have nothing for you!”
For the record Bill Phillips emus are very violent when you offer them a cup of corn. They like the hell out of their corn and they would like you to give them ALL the corn, please. Now. Or else. Bill Phillips will get angry if you don’t hand over that damn corn. You wouldn’t like an angry Bill Phillips.
There was a zebra in residence, and I practically had to physically restrain Fred from opening the car door and getting out to hug the zebra. He kept petting it, saying “It’s so soft! Isn’t it soft? I think we need a zebra!”
(I would not, for the record, be opposed to having a zebra frolicking about in the back forty.)
Fred was also impressed with the softness of the camel, and at one point I was staring off in another direction, trying to get a picture of one of the Bill Phillipses and suddenly there was an entire camel’s head in the car, headed for the cup of corn I had in my lap.
I don’t know that camels are all that violent or anything, but I was TERRIFIED. I was all “DO NOT WANT!” and held out my cup of corn to the camel and then did my best to push his head out of the car so he would go away and all the time Fred was laughing his ass off and I was all “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING I ALMOST DIED!”
Goddamn pushy animals.
There were, um… those animals. That I don’t like. Llamas! I have a hard time remembering what llamas are called, for some reason. I seem to remember hearing that llamas like to spit at girls (is this true? I don’t know. Did I make it up? Maybe.) and their teeth scare me a little, so instead of holding my cup of corn out the window for them to partake, I just tossed some corn on the ground.
There were a buttload of deer there – the lady running the front gate told us that ten babies had been born this year, and the deer were running rampant and giving us the eye and crowding around the car until we gave them food.
We saw alligators too (they’re kept in an enclosed area) and ducks and turkeys. We would have stopped at the reptile building on the way out, but it seemed rather crowded and we’re not crazy about crowds, so we just headed home.
It was neat, but it’s really got me wanting to take a trip to Tigers For Tomorrow, which we’re planning to do this Fall once it cools down a little more.
We realized in retrospect that the perfect thing to do Saturday morning would have been to take the kayaks out for a few hours. It would have been lovely on the water and early in the day there wouldn’t have been many people around. We’ll have to keep that in mind for the next cool, sunny Saturday morning.
Fred’s been trying to convince me for the past few years that we need a couple of Sea-Doos. The man has no idea how close I am to caving.
See tons more pictures of the animals we saw, here.
12:23 pm: Harbl airing commences.
From outside the chicken yard, Maxi keeps a close eye on the baby chickens. She thinks they might be tasty, but she’ll behave if she knows what’s good for her.
Previously
2007: No entry.
2006: “You pipple giffs me zee headache.”
2005: God, I love the internet.
2004: Three days into the school year, and I’m sick to death of bus issues.
2003: My weekend can be summed up thusly: long periods of mind-numbing tedium broken with a stretch of horrified disgust, with a soupcon of panic tossed in for good measure.
2002: Maine recap.
2001: No entry.
2000: No entry.
The one time I went to one of those parks, an extremely large yak shoved his extremely large head inside my window, ate as much corn as he could possibly snarf from my bucket, then wiped his extremely large and extremely wet nose on my arm.
The yaks. I do not love them.
You guys could buy more land and open your own animal sanctuary!!!!!! I mean, with bigger “exotic” animals in addition to the crew you already have. More zebras! (Do zebras feel like horses?)
Wow – cool pictures. I think the zebra would be the only one that I would take home.
It would be more interesting at that place if the ‘gators were allowed to run loose, don’t you think? lol
You guys are so lucky with the Tigers for Tomorrow place being so close. I think tigers are the coolest wild animal out there.
Aw, how can you not love the Llam? Maybe you could get some Alpacas for Crooked Acres and then sell the wool or even get really ambitious and knit some stuff and sell it. I have attached one of my all time favorite video clips. I dare you not to get this song in your head!
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama
This is my goony joke that gets me giggling for hours:
Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
(A salted. GET IT???) Kills me every time.
Funny you should bring up jokes because I was just reading jokes on alltooflat.com last night and thought this one was funny:
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but cellophane underwear. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says,
“I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
HeeHee!
Here’s my joke:
A little Panda Bear came home from school one day and asked his mother if he was really a polar bear. She was shocked and assured him that he was indeed a Polar Bear.
This continued to happen over the next few days, with the little polar bear asking if his parents are really and truly polar bears, if his grandparents are really and truly polar bears and so on.
He came to his mother again and asked, Mom, are you absolutely certain that I am 100% full blooded polar bear?”. His mother finally snaps, “Yes, you’re a polar bear. Your father and I are both polar bears. All your grandparents are polar bears. Why do you keep asking this?”.
He says, ‘Because I’m fucking freezing!’.
(I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t get me any kind of job, but it’s one of my favorite jokes)
What? This place is in Huntsville? I’ve lived here for 8 years and I’ve never heard of it. Where have I been? I need to find this place!
Here’s one of my 5 year old’s favorite jokes:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dyslexic cow.
Dyslexic cow who?
Oom!
Cracks me up every time.
Oh, now you’ve all gone and done it.
Two elderly women are grocery shopping together. One looks over and sees her friend with two baking potatoes, one in each hand. She looks sad. “Gladys! What are you doing? Are you okay?” Myra asks.
Gladys sighs and rolls the potatoes over in her hands. “These potatoes remind me of my dear, departed Henry’s testicles,” she replies. Myra’s eyes fly wide open. “Oh my goodness, Gladys, were they that big?”
“No, they were that dirty.”
KILLS me every time.
My contribution to the silly jokes that make you laugh like a goon – this one does it for me for some reason:
Why did the pony clear his throat?
Because he’s a little horse(hoarse).
I know – I lead a sad, simple life.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung! 😀
Llamas spit. When I was in school to be a veterinary tech we had to work w/llamas at the UofM teaching hospital. Llamas were just getting to be the big thing so they were trying to establish normals for lab values. This ment that we spent alot of time drawing blood from many llamas. This also ment we spent alot of time dodging llama spit. It’s not just spit, it’s vomit. They also kick w/their front feet. Fun times. Oh yeah.
3 gals were sitting around talking about their husbands but it was getting confusing because all the husbands were named Bubba. So they decided they’d name their Bubbas after a soda pop. The first gal says I’d name my Bubba Mt Dew, cuz he’s built like a mountain and likes to do it. After some giggling the second gal says I’d name my Bubba 7-up, cuz it takes him 7 seconds to get it up. More giggling. After some thinking the third gal says I’d name my Bubba Jack Daniels. The other 2 gals say Jack Daniels, that’s a hard liquor, and the third gal says That’s My Bubba.
Llamas suck. Breeding males can become very violent if the object of their affection does not return their advances. A friend took one in as payment for horse training services and was nearly raped by the very amourous and very persistent young Llama. My friend suffered a broken leg and pelvis before he could strangle the Llama unconscious. Apparently NO did not mean NO to him.
More useless llama info. Berzerk Male Syndrome. Like Niki P said. Very violent. The males hit sexual maturity and if they’ve been too closely bonded to their human, well, it’s all over. They (the llama) think the human is a llama and that this is a love match. We had one of these at the U. He pretty much scared the shit out of everyone. Good times. Oh yeah.
Two goldfish were in a tank. One turns to the other and says. I’ll man the porthole if you man the guns.
It’s my aunt Lisa’s favorite joke 🙂
I was born and raised in HSV, and have never heard of the nature preserve either! Where is it?
The only joke I can remember… (quite timely also- it appears) A man was driving down a country road when he saw a brand new house with a fenced in yard, and in the yard was a pig, with a wooden leg. The man was so intrigued by this pig with the wooden leg that he pulled over, went to the door of the house and knocked. When the farmer answered the door, the man said “I must inquire about this pig you have with a wooden leg!” The farmer said “It’s quite the story. You see- about three months ago, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a scratching and squealing sound on my bedroom door. It seems that my house was on fire, and this pig not only busted down the front door and found me in my bed to wake me up, he also helped drag my kids out of the house and saved my dog too. He’s a real hero!” The inquiring man said “Oh my, that’s unbelieveable! And so I take it the pig was injured in the fire?” The farmer said, “No, but when you have a pig that amazing, you just can’t bear to eat him all at once!”
LOL!!! Jenn P., that’s a kinda sick joke–yet cute.
Joke from a five year old; Why did the turtle cross the road???
To get to the SHELL station!!!
Who or what is Bill Phillips??? Is he famous??? Is he a relative??? Does he have a web site??? The picture looks like a narcissistic bobble head.
Sammi
Wait, wait, wait! My favorite dyslexic joke:
A dyslexic man walks into a bra….
Bill Phillips! Heee! After being absent for a day a boy returns to school and his teacher asks him, “Bubba, where were you yesterday?” and Bubba replies, “I had to take our bull over to Farmer Brown to service his cows.” Teacher responds, “Well Bubba, couldn’t your daddy have done that?” “No ma’am,” Bubba explains,”he ain’t registered.”
I love Mia’s Bubba jokes, and I love the Bill Phillipses. If you look at his close-up pics he appears to have on tattooed eyeliner! (The REAL Bill Phillips)
what is harbl airing? LOL
So glad you are staying on. I have been reading you and Fred since you started (and I lost 60 pounds to boot with Fred’s original journal) stay on and password free!!! Gigi
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
A lot of Olympics video, including every bit of the Opening Ceremonies, is available at http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/index.html Click on the NBC Encore link from there.
A guy was speeding down the road when he got radar-d by a cop. As he was pulling over the cop noticed that there were 4 penguins in the back seat of the car. The cop started asking why the driver had penguins in his car but the guy had no good answers. Finally, the cop said that he’d let the driver off with only the speeding ticket if he promised to take the penguins immediately to the zoo. The driver agreed and drove off with his ticket. The next weekend, the cop was radar-ing again and saw the same car speeding by. As he pulled over the car, the penguins were once again in the back seat but this time they were wearing sunglasses. Now the cop was mad. He said, “What the heck are you doing with these penguins? I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?” The driver responded, “I did. And today we’re going to the beach!”
My favorite joke of all time (and the only one I can ever remember!):
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?
Where’s my tractor?!
It’s really funny if you laugh hysterically after telling it to someone!