“Tomaters? Who the motherfuck put tomaters on the motherfucking counter? How’s a Boogie supposed to stomp around on the counter and get into shit and knock shit over? I hets tomaters. Guess I’ll go hang out on the other side of the motherfucking sink.”
“TOMATERS HERE, TOO? What tomater-loving motherfucker keeps covering my counters with tomaters? Why, god? WHY?!”
Stop hating on the dehydrated bananas, motherfuckers. They’re fucking YUMMY. (They’re not dehydrated all the fucking way, but they won’t be around long enough for nastiness to grow on them because they’ll be IN MY BELLY.)
All the motherfucking tomatoes, ready to be canned. There’s another 40 or 50 sitting in paper bags in the dining room, waiting to be ripe before they get canned. They have green motherfucking shoulders (LOOK IT UP, GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND) and I cannot abide that shit.
Peeled tomatoes look like little brains. Brains. Motherfucking BRAAAAAAINS.
The fucking fuckers are pissed at me ’cause we’re keeping them inside for a couple of days. The great big motherfucking scabby thing on Sugarbutt’s neck was getting worse, so that tomato-loving motherfucker hypothesized that he was allergic to something outside and decreed we needed to keep them all inside for a few days to see what happens. So every time I step one fucking foot toward the laundry room, they start dancing around howling “Bitch! We want out!” and I have to say “Daddy hates you little bastards. You can’t go out. SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
“Ah hets stayin’ inside. Motherfucker.”
Halfway there. Now if my second batch of tomatoes would fucking boil, I’d be a happy motherfucker.
Can you see the hate?
Your ‘tomato-loving motherfucker’ thing had me howling after clicking on the link.
I’m sorry you’re so aggravated, I do know how you feel. And the only way to deal with it is to vent. So motherfucker this and that until your heart’s content.
(Not poke the ire, but how many fucking tomato/tomato by-products can you two eat in one year? Christ almighty, I love tomatoes and still can’t see consuming that many. Donate to local food bank or women’s shelter. It’ll do the ‘tomato-loving motherfucker’s karma good.)
Well Hell, This motherfucker is doing damn fine! Hope the rest of your day gets better & thanks for re-posting this fucking shit, or OUR days would have gone down the crapper too!
Thanks Robyn …….. I now have spewed water all over my computer screen, shirt, keyboard ……. that’s a mf’ing funny entry (have to shorthand due to computer at work bad language flag)(and love the edited previous years entries) ……. I share those sentiments many, many days ……..
1. I also hate The Internet Company. I’m convinced there is only one Internet Company nationwide. It sucks. It likes to provide intermittent service and when you call it, it tells you that you do have working internet service. THEN WHERE IS MY INTERNET?!?!?!
2. Mmm, tomatoes. And bananas. Yum.
roflmao
Here I was, reading my bible online, when I got an email notification that you had a fresh entry up. A misleading e-mail, by the way.
Then I come here and have to read all this profanity.
I’m pretty motherfucking appalled.
And the worst of it is, you made me look at those nasty motherfucking dehydrated bananas. What kind of motherfucker does that??
I am doing very well, thanks for asking.
Ooh, another canning thing: my grandmother used to make some awesome homemade catsup (ketchup?). Very yummy.
Just in case you wanted to can something else.
This entry was motherfucking funny as a motherfuck.
The voice in my head when I was reading your entry today was Samuel Jackson from Pulp Fiction. Totally.
Oh.My.God. Robyn, I’ve been reading you for years, but I’ve never posted. I’ve never laughed so hard before. I bow at your feet Oh-Queen-Of-Motherfucking-Rants
Don’t keep all that het inside. Let it out. Tell the world how you really feel, motherfucker.
Wow… at my new job, I can actually comment on your blog! Finally!
Anyways… and I swear this just happened… I went to click on “make a comment” on your blog, and as soon as I did, my whole firefox browser crashed. Dude, you must been sending out some bad vibes today. 😉
Anyways, I write long blog posts too; and know what I started doing? Writing them in a google doc. It saves every couple seconds or something–so no crashie–and when you’re done, just cut and paste into wordpress. Voila. Done. Rock on.
My day was made upon reading this. Thank you, thank you for reposting!!
I too heard the voice of the Baddest Motherfucker in the Room, i.e. Samuel L. Jackson, when reading this.
I’d love to see in you in a rampage but at the same time I’d hate for you to be in it.
The previous entries blurbs are priceless! Rant away, rant away.
Wow – that’s all – just wow!
I guess the bad motherfucking day I had yesterday has decided to descend on you today.
Keep it going…pass it off some to other motherfucker. Spread the motherfucking joy around I say!
I was in one bad, motherfucking mood because I had to mow the motherfucking lawn, and I got so hot, and overheated that I didn’t know if I would puke, have a stroke, or a coronary first. I fucking hate being too hate. Heat waves make this Canadian with no A/C motherfucking cross! After reading your entry, I’m laughing my big fast ass off!!
I must also comment that when I saw those peeled tomatoes on flickr, before I came over here, I thought.. good gawd, did Sugarbutt’s “thing” turn into a TUMOR???
Well, this motherfucker is doing well. Hope your motherfuckin’ day shapes its motherfuckin’ ass out!
Motherfuckin’ peace!
Oh, Robyn, you are simply a delight. *grin*
Well, MY grandmother used to make tomato preserves. It might sound awful, but they were actually pretty tasty!
I just posted a comment about not totally dehydrating bananas being delicious in your last entry b/c that was the notify link that i clicked. ah well. In case you don’t look, I also suggested sprinkling the slices w/ cinnamon before dehydrating.
Have you thought about dehydrating some of the tomato slices? Does that work? this company sells them – maybe something else, less labor intensive to do w/ some of the tomatoes? http://www.justtomatoes.com/
Well, you’re all motherfucking wound up today aren’t you? I lost my motherfucking internet for three motherfucking days, then when the motherfucking technician finally shows up he says “he just motherfucking looked at it” and it started working. I got a free motherfucking modem out of it, but motherfucking BELLSOUTH still sucks.
(I’m going to a book club tonight and now will feel no urge to cuss whatsoever! Thanks!)
Oh – and how about bringing me some of those tomatoes?
I am promptly going to the store to get bananas to also make (not all the way dried) bananas. Because OMG so mother fucking food!
You seem stressed today.
Best motherfucking entry ever. I’ve got motherfucking tears rolling down my motherfucking face.
That’s some unfortunate motherfucking fuckery right there!
But what a great motherfucking excuse to curse our motherfucking teeth out! I motherfucking love it!
Robyn, I’m sensing some… anger issues… am I right?
This entry made me laugh so hard. I had to read it out aloud to myself to get the full effect. (Quietly, of course – I don’t want them to come and put me away like some crazy motherfucker).
So what the (frogs fucking sideways on a log) are you trying to say? You’re mad???
Well, fuck, motherfucker, I’m doing fucking fine, and you?
And also, Shirley? “frogs fucking sideways on a log” – BWAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
Methinks you grow too many motherfucking tomatoes.
🙂
I am not a “Fucker” Mother or otherwise!!!
I have followed you and Spud and Fred for years!!! I have even planted yellow tomatoes!!!
Your liver, your bathroom, your tee shirts are a yellow inspiration to me!!!
I hate my ISP too! Please don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
Sammi
Robyn your language was DEPLORABLE today. My gawd.
Heh.
my first thought was “more motherfuckers than a Quentin Tarantino movie” I see I was not alone. Love the entry!
That is some motherfucking funny shit. You crack my ass up.
Well, fuck. That was a fucking good mother-fucking entry.
Have a fucking great motherfucking day!!:)
You’ve had such a bad day, maybe Fred will buy you that new car. 🙂
You cranky.
Specfuckingtacular!
I’m going to guess Verizon. I HATE Verizon.
Your ‘maters look lovely, and so many of them 🙂 I’m sure it’s a lot of work, but you’ll be able to enjoy them later.
::::Getting sent back to the lurkers corner because of my banana comment:::
I’m jealous of your tomatoes! I’ve got three plants and have only had four tomatoes. Gardening in the desert sucks!
~~Kath~~
I also absolutely hate it when I glance at the cable modem and it’s offline and trying to synch back up. Fortunately it doesn’t happen very often but when it does! Grrrrrr. Especially when the cable company tries to blame it on your setup instead of where the blame actually lies. WITH THEM!!
I hets me some tomatoes about now — cause I had to cover the “Tomato Fest” at our local farmer’s market for our Lifestyle feature coming out tomorrow. Enough already with tomatoes! LOL
I feel your pain though, cause I actually DID live on a farm and have a garden with many tomatoes. It’s a desperation thing, trying to ‘save’ them all for later. Some just gotta go, no matter what. I tried freezing tomatoes, and…well, ended up tossing ’em later. ‘Nuff said about my preserving skills!
Hey Robyn!
Damn, this is my bestest most favoritest entry in a long assed time! And this motherfucker is doing fine, thanks for asking.
I hearts yah,
Cynthea
P.S. Motherfucking fuckers. I totally know what you mean, Boogs.
My Gawd, can I Motherfucking relate!! My cable internet has been up and down all week and when it is up, it really isn’t up, there’s like a slight motherfucking connection. Enough to read email and maybe send one but not to do anything else. I have sent lots of hate filled thoughts towards them and the phone company, which went out the day after my internet. Although with two motherfucking teenagers, I really didn’t miss the motherfucking thing.
I would probably be heting on the tomato canning by now also, but SOMEONE *ahem Robyn* put out a recipe for Fried Green Tomatos and none of mine have gotten red.
Oh, and can someone explain to me if a cat that just has kittens is supposed to act like a total and complete asshole all the time? The kittens are a month old and this wiatch just runs around the house trying to literally kill people by tripping them to obtain the food they are carrying. I am feeding her like six times a day and she is not satisfied, and still skinny. I tried to be understanding because she has five babies hanging off her tits…. but there is a limit to the amount of meowing I can deal with… brink of insanity here! Robyn, oh mighty cat guru… help?
Did I mention that I live in Bill Gates’ bastard stepchilds playground? Country life can bite my arse sometimes!
what the fuck…? … pretty fucking funny!!
Now… Now… Robyn…. All I can say is…… DAMN IT WOMAN, YOU SHORE IS PURTY WHEN YEW GETS ALL RILED UP… THEM GREEN EYES JUST HAVE THAT COME HITHER (uh …I mean that go screw a monkey)LOOK….
And po po Boogies… he is gonna have to develope a taste for ‘mater !
“…they start dancing around howling “Bitch! We want out!” and I have to say “Daddy hates you little bastards. You can’t go out. SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
LMAO!!!! I think that is, at least for me, the funniest thing you have ever written!!!
Laffing my motherfuckin arse off 😀
Quit beating around the motherfucking tomato bush and tell me how you feel.
You had me at “assfucking” but then, that doesn’t sound right. Motherfucker.
That first pic of Boog and the tomaters…it looks like Boog shat out a whole fuckload of tomatoes.
I’m just sayin’.
Peace out, motherfucker.
Are you upset, honey? There, there. Have a juicebox.
Motherfucker what an entry!
Tsk. Language.
Hi Robyn: I know you have a whole list of journals and blogs that read, but I was wondering if you could take a peek at an entry I wrote called “In Need of Some Serious Advice”. It’s about my cat. I know you’re a cat-person and you seem to have had a lot of experience, so I’d appreciate your input. My email is akosborne at gmail dot com.
After reading (and howling over) this entry, I feel pretty mother-fucking certain that I WOULD like you on a rampage. Hilarious!
Hey – I know I’m late to the motherfucking party here, but I just had to say a big motherfucking thank you!! I’m teaching a fucking-ass class this summer on fucking web design, and I have to, obviously, watch my motherfucking language. Do you know how HARD it is not to swear at a motherfucking computer when it does you wrong for no apparent fucking reason? (Actually, you motherfucking DO know!) Every class period I let some motherfucking FUCK slide out, almost like it’s been pent up inside my mouth and it just decides to burst out, like I’m fucking Ripley incubating a motherfucking alien.
So really, this post has been quite fucking cathartic for me, and perhaps my fucking Bad Language Alien will stay bottled up this evening.
We just got back from motherfucking CapeFuckingCod on the vacation that THIS mortherfucker planned BY HER FUCKING SELF and I was told I’M BORED all fucking week. Well fucking motherfuckers next fucking time I ask for your input on where we should go maybe you fuckers won’t say “I don’t care!” Next FUCKING year you can plan your own fucking vacation to your own fucking destination and you can fuck the fuckityfuckfuck out of your own fucking dollars and your own fucking time.
I had a nice time thanks for asking.
Fuckers.
Thanks for that. I feel better now.
I was chuckling and snerking all the way through (I could “hear” the niceness trying to sneak out now and then) but I didn’t really belt out an honest-to-God LOL until I saw the “Previously, motherfuckers” and “no motherfucking entry” bits.
Propz to whoever mentioned this entry in today’s comments; I second her nomination for a “best of” page with this right up there front and center.