7/15/09 – Wednesday

Dear STAR 99.1:

I applaud your amazing attempt to play 991 songs in a row with NO commercial interruptions (which I only know you’re doing because you proudly announce it after each and every song), I’d probably be more impressed if I weren’t hearing the same songs over. And over. And over again. I don’t listen to the radio all that much, but somehow still managed to hear Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover* three times yesterday.

Let’s mix it up, shall we? Maybe play something from the 70s?

Sincerely,

A Sometime Listener (when I’m not listening to the country music station, that is.)

*Anyone else immediately think of Dylan and Kelly when they hear that song? Remember how Kelly LONGED for the sweet embrace of Dylan? Ah, 90210, I miss you so (don’t even try to tell me that the “new” 90210 is even worth watching). God, remember Brenda and her hippie chick phase? AND WHEN SHE WAS DOING THAT CHARACTER WHEN SHE WAS WAITRESSING AT THE PEACH PIT? God, what a cheeseball she was.

**Is it intentional, do you think, that when she sings Damn I wish I was your lover/ I’d rock you till the daylight comes it sounds like Damn I wish I was your lover/ I’d fuck you till the daylight comes? It’s not just me and my old ears, is it?

***Also, the line Tonight I’ll be your mother in a song entitled Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover? EWWW.

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from: John Mark S*******
to: me
date: Fri, Jul 10, 2009 at 4:13 PM
subject: Have your book Edited, Published, and Marketed for $3,000

Dear Robyn,

We appreciate your writing efforts and would like to see you have success selling your book. That is why we are offering a full scale publishing package that includes many tools to ensure your book is as professional and marketable as possible.

You can submit your Microsoft Word document. Our professional editors will then perform a comprehensive copy edit for your review and then polish your manuscript further through a basic copy edit. After editing is complete, we’ll work with you to custom format and publish your book (which includes interior and cover by a graphic designer as well as ISBN/barcode assignment). Our marketing team will write a compelling back cover text, and market your book through our press release program to over 1,000 media outlets (major newspapers, magazines, Google and Yahoo search engines) for $3,000 or less. We will send you Digital Proofs of your book and a final Author Copy of your published trade paperback book.

This package below includes 30 copies of your book! We will also make your book available for Amazon’s Kindle. This will give readers two options to purchase your book. Readers could purchase the soft cover version or the Kindle version of your book. Your paperback will also be listed on Amazon.com, Alibris.com, and Abebooks.com. You would receive 35% of your list price in royalties monthly (example: Receive $5.25 on a $15.00 list price). You can also order copies as needed at a very low author cost. For example, order 100 copies at $3.15 per book or $315.00 for printing plus shipping costs. You can then sell each copy for profit at $15.00 per book to profit approximately $10 per sale or $1000 with this 100 book order! Keep in mind these numbers will fluctuate with the page count of your book so your numbers could be different than these – contact me for more exact estimates.

Here’s an overview of your publishing plan:

1.) Editing Package 1: Includes 1 Round of Comprehensive Copy Editing AND 1 Round of Basic Copy Editing ($0.0267/word); up to 50,000 words – $1,335.00
2.) Cover Copy Plus service: $149.00
3.) Total Design Freedom Program: Includes ISBN, Book Cover Design, Interior Page Layout, Digital Proofs, Listing on Amazon.com, 35% royalty, low author printing rates – $799.00
4.) Kindle-Compatible File Conversion Service: Have your book formatted for setup with Amazon Kindle, wireless reading device – $149; normally $299 ($150 savings)
5.) Press Release Creation and Distribution Service: Have a Press Release written about your book promoting it as a newsworthy book and we’ll craft a media distribution list of at least 1,000 media contacts including major newspapers, newsgroups, online search engines, magazines, etc) $508.30; normally $598.00 ($90.00 savings)

———-
Total $2,940.30 INCLUDES 30 COPIES (shipping not included)
———-

This offer is good through the end of this month. I look forward to hearing from you.

With your payment and account setup by the end of this month, I will also provide you with a complimentary one-on-one Marketing Strategy Session ($100.00 value) with our Author Marketing Specialist by phone. A Marketing Strategy Session allows us to brainstorm an initial marketing strategy for your book to help you identify a “pitch” for your book and outline some low-cost online marketing initiatives.

To get started with your project and Account, I’ll just need some basic details:

1. Mailing Address
2. Book Title
3. Author Name
4. Desired username for online account

Here’s what our satisfied authors have to say about [our services]:

“The real test of a true partner is not how well things go when everything is perfect, but how well do they react to a bump in the road. I have published two books with this company. The first one went off perfectly from the editorial services to the compilation, to the printing, to the delivery of the finished product. This company met and in most cases absolutely exceeded my expectations. A job well done with my book.”

– (Deleted), author of [Deleted]!

Have a great day!

John Mark S*******

Dear John Mark S*******:

What a pleasure to hear from you! I agree that the package wherein you would edit, design, and print 30 copies of my book for $2,940.30 is quite the bargain. I did have to get out my calculator (because I am mathematically challenged – damnit, Jim, I’m a writer, not a mathematician!) to discover that 30 books for $2940.30 comes out to $98.01 per book. Or, as the marketing types would probably put it, LESS than $100 per book!

The mind boggles, really.

So I’m all ready to sign on the dotted line, but I do have one small question. See, I didn’t actually know that I was writing a book – can you tell me what it’s about? Is it really good? I bet it’s really good, I mean OBVIOUSLY it’s really good or you wouldn’t be offering me this fantastic deal! Is it a mystery?

OOH! I bet it’s a mystery and it takes place on a farm and the whole book is written from the point of view of the detective BUT it isn’t until the end of the book that we learn that the detective (who of course solved the mystery lickety-split) is a CAT. Is that what it’s about?

Or! Is it about a cat who looks evil and hateful but is secretly a sweet marshmallow at his core, who is tragically killed by a marauding band of gypsies and then because he’s really, deep-down, a sweet guy, his cat soul ascends to Heaven, but then he looks around and he’s all “What’s this joy and happiness horseshit? I need some FUN!”, so he gets sent to Hell, and he kicks some Satan ass and ends up running the place? Is it called “BeelzeBoogs”?? Oh, that sounds like a FUN book.

No, wait! I bet I know! It’s a children’s book, isn’t it? It’s about a black hen named “Sassy McGee” who lives in the big, fancy coop out on lots of land, but every single day she leaves her fancy digs in the back forty and undergoes a wild and treacherous journey to her childhood home (“the green coop”), a one-room four-nesting-box cozy house on a tiny postage stamp of land. She arrives home, hangs out in a nesting box (third from the end) for a little while, and lays her egg. And then she makes the wild and treacherous journey BACK to her home in the back forty, dodging angry black cats and hungry buff tabbies on her way to safety. That’s it, isn’t it?

Really, I have to know what my future best-selling book is about, don’t I? Can’t you give me a hint? I mean, if it’s the mystery novel, I need to start brushing up on how to send starry-eyed gazes of love at Lee Child as we’re sitting on our Best Selling Author’s Panel together. If it’s the children’s book, I have to stock up on Xanax so I can deal with annoying small children at my wildly successful and fabulous all-the-rage tea party/ book readings.

Throw me a bone, won’t you?

Sincerely,

Robyn And3rson, (future) best-selling author.

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Dear Anonymous Hen,

I know you KNOW you’re supposed to be laying your eggs in one of these handy nesting boxes.

Thus, when you sneak behind the chicken wire which has been tacked there simply to keep you and your brethren from hanging out up there, it could take a while for us to discover that you’ve been sneakily sneaking up there and laying your eggs. Like 20 eggs’ worth of time.

You’ll note that the chicken wire has now been super attached so that you can’t sneak behind it and lay your egg. You have to lay your egg in the nest box like the GOOD hens do. Don’t make us send you to freezer camp to learn your lesson.

Sincerely,

The lady who brings you treats EVERY DAY.

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Dear Readers:

Don’t you wish you were talented like me?

Sincerely,

Me.

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Dear Smallville residents:

Yes, we have chickens. Yes, we sell chickens. Yes, it does appear that we’ve gotten the reputation for being the local chicken people. I don’t understand why it is that when you stop by during the day to ask about buying chickens and I tell you to come back after 3:30 and talk to my husband about buying chickens, you never show up again. I’m thinking maybe you’re not really THAT interested. Who knows?

So when a boy and his mother showed up on Monday and he told me that they live in a nearby trailer park and the manager of the park wouldn’t allow them to keep a chicken and asked if we’d take it, and I suggested they come back after 3:30 to talk to my husband about it (“Probably he’d be willing to take it, but he’s really the one who deals with the chickens,” I said) and then they didn’t show up Monday night, I figured they’d either found someone else to take it, or we’d wake up one morning to find the chicken in a box on our front porch.

Imagine my surprise last night when Fred walked in with a garbage bag. “Hold this,” he said. “I need to get some eggs.” I took the garbage bag, and it squawked at me.

“WHAT the-???”

Little did those people know that she looks so much like she could be one of our chickens that if they’d snuck onto our property in the middle of the night and put her into the back forty, chances are good we never would have even noticed that she was a new one.

Well, except that the alarm system would have gone off.

So yes, we will take your needing-a-home chickens. This one cost us three dozen eggs. I call that a bargain.

Sincerely,

The weird chicken people of Smallville.

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Sheriff Mama is no dummy. She knows when to keep her distance.

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Previously
2008: “Huh. An armadillo. Weird. They don’t usually come this far north!”
2007: No entry.
2006: No entry.
2005: “Bessie,” he said. “That is CAT POOP, not kitty treats!”
2004: No entry.
2003: No entry.
2002: Our kitties, spoiled? Nah.
2001: No entry.
2000: No entry.