Over the weekend, I happened to read A Potential Problem, by Jennifer Groepl, on my iPod Touch. I’m not usually a big fan of YA
(though now that I think about it, the Harry Potter books and the Hunger Games trilogy are YA, aren’t they? Maybe I should stop saying I’m not a fan of YA.)
but I ended up staying up ’til midnight to finish reading it, and now I’m anxious for the next in the series to be available. This is what’s truly awesome about the e-book revolution (if I can cheesily call it that), that you get to read well-written books like this one for a mere $2.99, and (or so I’m hoping) you don’t have to wait forever and a day for the sequel to come out.
Definitely worth a read; check it out.
So, I was laying on the couch catching up on my vitally important Real Housewives episodes (I am not loving New York this season ’round), and there was a knock at the door.
Now, the TV (and the couches) could not possibly be closer to the front door. And most days I don’t open the blinds that hang behind the couch where Fred sits, but on this particular day I had, because I wanted more light to come into the room. The front door has a beveled glass design in it, so whoever was knocking could likely see through the glass that the TV was playing – if they couldn’t hear it. And if I didn’t answer the door, it would have been a mere three or four steps to the windows over Fred’s couch, where whoever was knocking on the door could peer in through the window and see that I was watching fine quality entertainment, AND that I was laying my lazy ass on the couch surrounded by 130 cats.
Besides that, our neighbor had come over the night before to ask Fred something, and so I thought perhaps it might be she who was knocking on the door to interrupt me.
I was trapped, in other words.
So I pushed 78 cats off of me and stood up, and went to open the door.
Was it our neighbor? Why, fuck no it wasn’t our neighbor. It was some guy holding an ADT sign and possibly (I don’t recall exactly, but it seems likely) wearing a polo shirt with the ADT logo on it.
“Hello,” he said, and offered his hand to me. I was taken aback for a moment – here in the South, it’s HIIIIIGHly unusual for a man to offer his hand for a handshake; in fact, I don’t think it’s considered proper etiquette CAN I GET A HOLLA COUNTESS LUANN, DAHHHHHHLING – but after a slight pause, I shook his hand.
Now. If you are GOING to offer your moist hand (yes, it was close to 100 degrees outside, and no, that doesn’t stop from being judgey because I was minding my own goddamn business when your moist hand knocked upon my door) for a handshake, it would behoove you to not lay your moist hand in MY perfectly cool and dry hand as though your hand is a dead, limp, moist fish. It would behoove you to shake hands properly. PROP. ER. LY.
I know what you’re going to say. “But Robyn!” you are exclaiming. “What about my arthritis! My old and aching joints cannot take the pressure of a handshake!”
To you I say, THEN DON’T OFFER YOUR ARTHRITIC CLAW FOR A HANDSHAKE AND IF A MOIST AND LIMP HAND IS PRESENTED TO YOU, GLARE UPON IT AS THOUGH YOU ARE MORTALLY OFFENDED. Really, does a moist and limp hand that lays in your hand make your arthritis feel better?
I suspect not.
So Mr. Moist and Limp set off the “I don’t care if you’re here to give me ten million dollars from a dear departed relative I never knew existed, I want nothing to do with you” alarms in my head, but I set my face in a polite listening pose and I waited.
Such a great deal Mr. MaL wanted to offer me. He wanted to put the ADT sign in my yard so that if my neighbors’ homes were broken into, they would see the sign, and it would cause them to call ADT to have a home security system installed.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL.
For allowing them to put the sign in my yard, they would give – I SAY GIVE – me a $1,300 home security system. For my own home.
FOR FREE.
“Wouldn’t you agree that that’s a good deal?” said Mr. Moist and Limp, who was now rather sweaty.
“That sounds fabulous,” I said.
He stared at me, perhaps trying to decide if I was sincere (I was not). He inched slightly closer to me, perhaps already counting his commission.
“But you’d need to talk to my husband,” I said. “I don’t make any kind of financial decisions in THIS household.”
He stared at me, and then stammered for a moment before I took pity on him and told him Fred would be home after 6:00.
I cringed through another limp and moist handshake, and then he was gone.
I was upstairs with the kittens that evening around 6:15 when I heard a knock on the door. Fred wasn’t home – he was supposed to be when I told the guy he’d be home after 6:00, but he later found that he had to work later than expected. I didn’t answer the door, and the guy hasn’t been back.
You better believe I’ve left the blinds behind Fred’s couch and on the front door closed ever since.
“What’s she doing?”
“Eating our Babycat. Isn’t she purrrrty?”
“Where’s she going?”
“I dunno.”
“This one needs a bath.”
“What? She was hungry!”
Coriander gets hissy with Ciara.
“What the – ?”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT’S SKEERY.”
“You know, I’m not really sure what I think about all these little – Ooh! Babycat! Pardon me while I belly up to the bowl!”
Macushla keeps an eye on Cilantro.
“Where’d she go?!”
I had no sooner uttered the words “I’m pretty sure the McMaos aren’t nursing any more” than they apparently took my words as a challenge.
I love all the different stripes.
Poor Maggie. She puts up with so much from these little brats!
Even at too old for this nonsense, they are utterly adorable when they nurse.
In the doorway between the hallway and dining room. (Hey, that’s appropriate, no?)
She’s had just about enough of THIS.
“Do you see? Do you SEE why I’m always hungry? They’re sucking the life out of me!”
Maxi and Newt, in the side yard. Newt spends almost all day either in the side yard or in the house. Maxi spends most of the day off to points unknown, then moseys back home mid-afternoon.
Previously
2010: Fucking flies.
2009: Brian graduates.
2008: No entry.
2007: “UGH. I HAVE A DEAD BIRD IN MY HOUSE AND I TOUCHED IT!”
2006: Do I know how to live large, or what?
2005: It took me a minute to get it. Duh.
2004: Have I mentioned that I have a big ol’ crush on Roland? Yeah. There’s me, being geeky again…
2003: Still no Fancypants.
2002: Well, did you feel the earth crack open?
2001: I guess not everyone is as much a wimp as I.
2000: I feel like I spent all day running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off and got nothing accomplished.
I wonder if kittens who are allowed to nurse as long as they want are less neurotic than kittens who were taken from the mama too soon? I had a cat who would nurse in my hair. I’d wake up in the morning with a slobbery, rat’s nest from him sucking, drooling and sewing in my hair. We got him at 5 weeks, I believe.
My cat (who is now 8.5 years old) was found at around 4-ish weeks. I wish I had known to bottle feed him at the time. I don’t know if that would of helped or not? He still tries to knead my neck while I’m in bed, drives me crazy!
I don’t like answering the door either. At our old house my neighbors liked to stop by and gossip about everyone in the area – I work from home so I would just hide in my office until they’d leave and then just say I was on a call the next time I’d see them.
Oh, poor Maggie! Being tackled by kittens sounds fun until they want to suck the life out of you! What a good mama she is.
My MIL used to open the front door to strangers all the time even after having some problems (no rapes, thank God). My FIL was ALWAYS bugging her not to, but she’d open the door to absolutely anybody who knocked/rang. Old habits are unbreakable, I guess.
Oh Maggie. As a mother, I totally empathize. I make those faces about 100 times a day, myself. Hang in there, mama.
I’m nursing my baby right now, and feeling profoundly grateful to only have ONE to nurse. Hang in there, Maggie!
Robyn,
I absolutely love your commentary on the kitty pics! I can see the wheels in their litte brains turning as you’re “talking” for them!
BTW Do you if Bonnie in Texas has a new blog? I’d love to catch up on her news!
xxoo Joan/Barb
Last time she wrote anything, I believe it was at Bontasia.com. I was just there the other night, and she hasn’t written anything since January. I keep hoping she’ll be back!
Robyn, about those Housewives…What are you not liking about this season? I feel like everyone is SUPER annoying, which makes it worth watching! But I have the feeling that without untreated alcoholism, none of the Housewives shows would have any action. (A friend who is a producer for one of them admitted as much to me.) Are you watching NJ? Did you watch OC? What do you think of how monstrous Vicki looks with those dermal fillers she got before the reunion? Sad.com!
I rarely watch the shows but it is fun to watch when I catch them. I saw some of the reunion for the OC. I have never cared for Tamra and my disdain grows each time I see her. She is a vile human being. It is obvious she got her lips plumped, which doesn’t look flattering on anyone. Why do they do it??? I was wondering what else she had done. Her face looks like a man now!!?!?!?!! Or is it just me? *gag*
I am team Gretchen all the way. She is the only one that I really like from any of the housewives.
Oh, I’m saving this one for Friday’s entry, but I have to admit that I have seen every episode of every season except the Miami season, which I opted to skip because the women were super super scary to me.
I skipped Miami too and only got in on NYC towards the end for Morocco. I watched the last couple of OCs mostly to see Viki the OC Queen of Mean go down-such a joy to watch. Gretchen is the only OC I don’t despise. NY makes me laugh. I loved Jill and Romana especially but all of them in Morocco. There isn’t enough booze or pills in the world to make most women get on a plane with that crew IMHO. I am watching NJ with my husband to see his old stomping grounds but I don’t know how long I’ll last. It seems Teresa’s crazy is genetic.
“He wanted to put the ADT sign in my yard so that if my neighbors’ homes were broken into, they would see the sign, and it would cause them to call ADT to have a home security system installed.”
ADT used this exact same approach with me (in Maine no less) a couple of summers ago. Which immediately made me think, Wait, if I let you put that sign in my yard, does that mean you’re going to BREAK INTO my neighbors’ homes to sell more systems … ?
That company would definitely benefit from less-creepy salesmen.
I forgot to mention, that (after the guy was gone), I thought that same thing, and wished I’d had the presence of mind to say “You mean after y’all break into their house they’ll see your sign and call you?”
Suspicious, I mean GREAT, minds think alike 🙂
Portland just instituted a yearly fee for people who have security systems because the cops have to answer so many false alarms. More trouble than they’re worth, clearly!
I can’t believe that guy offered to shake hands! Every southern gentleman knows that they don’t shake hands with a lady unless SHE offers HER HAND FIRST. And that ADT sign thing is highly suspect. Make Fred run him off.
Where do you get your $2.99 books? The only ones I spot are usually over $12, unless they’re shlock.
Oh, you have to wade through a lot of shlock to find anything worth reading for $2.99, that’s for sure. Fred finished reading something over the weekend that he recommended to me (though I can’t remember the name of it now. Wait, maybe I can. Yeah, here it is – The Walk, by Lee Goldberg), and in fact he was guffawing over it at one point, so I’ll probably read that next. He checks out the Kindle boards from time to time, and passes on any recommendations he has. Best thing about the Kindle: being able to download samples before you buy!
I almost never open the door, and I don’t care if they’re looking right in the window at me (and now that we live in California, very often they are because it’s open). The door, like the phone, is for MY convenience, and my convenience is entering and leaving the house, not being harassed and/or cased for a burglary.
Anyway, here’s my suggested answer if they catch you, like that jerk did one day when I was waiting for the plumber to come back with a part: “I don’t discuss my current or future home security configuration unless I initiate the contact. You can leave a business card if you like*, and we’ll keep you in mind if we decide we have needs we need to discuss with you. Have a nice day.”
*Usually they won’t. Some of them are commission-only outside sales (base equipment is free, but extras and monthly monitoring are not) and don’t work for ADT or whoever. The others just want to break into your house.
I agree with ‘Lyn Never’ – We don’t purchase anything from outside-door-to-door, and telemarketing sales calls. This includes people claiming to represent charities, etc. We do business only with businesses for which we initiate contact.
Our security screen door w/dead bolt lock is a nice buffer between us and others. Because I’m cynical, I hesitate shaking hands with strangers at front door. They might yank me out of the house/hurt me and holler for the rest of their thug friends. I have an active imagination!!!
The author of “A Potential Problem” is a friend of mine, but I don’t think that makes me biased – if I don’t love a book, I don’t love it, period. And I LOVED it, though I don’t read much YA either. I was in a lather when I got to the end and realized I’d have to wait to see what happens next! I heartily recommend it, doubly so because, as Lo said, it’s hard to find anything good (much less anything THIS good) at a reasonable price.
It’s also available on B&N for Nookfolk.
Go download “The Enemy We Know” by Donna White Glaser. $2.99 and excellent!
Also I read somewhere about a scam/thing where thieves pretend to be from a security company, offering a free system, in order to find out whether or not you already HAVE a system installed. On the off chance that someone says, “Why, yes, I’d love to do business with someone who came knocking unsolicited to my door, let’s get started!” they say that they’ll have someone from Home Office call you up to make an appointment, so they don’t get caught with their pants down that way, but the point of offering the “free security system” is to find out who says, “No, I don’t want one” or “we can’t afford the monthly fee,” vs. who says, “We already have a system with XYZ Company but thanks anyway.”
Someone I used to know would swipe the “this house protected by” signs from the lawns in other neighborhoods and plant them in their own lawn. A determined thief will still get through, but it was (in his opinion) enough to run off the casual crooks. And his justification for stealing the signs was that the company would be delighted to come put fresh new advertising up if the homeowner called them.
I have found, on the rare occasions someone catches me in the driveway, that telling them, “Oh, I just rent, I’m not the owner,” is enough to send them trudging along. In this area, door to door “new-roof” sales are the thing. They knock and tell you how your current roof is not up to code but they’ll be so glad to fix it for you and they’ll arrange the billing so that your homeowner’s insurance will cover all the costs*. They (and security people, etc) know that renters can’t contract for those without the owner’s consent so they don’t waste their time.
*My father (of all people; the original skeptic himself) actually had his roof replaced by one of these companies. Now, our city gets 320+ days of sunshine a year, so you can imagine that by the time it ever rained, and the leaks in the new roof made themselves known, these guys were back in their home base of Oklahoma or Kansas or wherever, and had mysteriously changed phone numbers.
I couldn’t believe he fell for the “we’ll arrange the billing” thing, myself. Anyone who’s willing to be dishonest with the homeowner’s insurance on their billing is gonna be willing to be dishonest with me, too, right??
After he had the “new” roof repaired (by a local company he initiated contact with), he started grumping and grousing about how the fly-by-night company’d had left-leaning bumper stickers, etc, and that he should have known they’d be rip-off artists because they were obviously liberals and what should you expect. Hee. I asked, “But you’re a staunch right-wing upright and decent law-abiding Republican conservative, so why did you AGREE when they told you they were going to ‘adjust the billing’ so you wouldn’t have to pay anything? I mean, I may be a ‘worthless no-account bleeding heart liberal,’ as you say, but even *I* wouldn’t agree to someone who suggested we defraud my insurance company just to save myself a few hundred bucks!” and then my mother told us both to shut up right now or she’d beat us both until we couldn’t see straight. LOL
I never open the door, unless I know who it is. It’s sad to be that way, but the way things are anymore, you have to be careful. I keep blinds/curtains closed too, after having people peek in the window. I hate that! It’s a shame you sometimes feel like a prisoner in your own home. 🙁
I hate when someone shows up at my door unexpected. It happens rarely, but most of the time I ignore it. I go skulking through the house where I can’t be seen through the windows where the blinds are up just enough for the cats to see out usually and I peek through the holes in the blinds that are made for the threads to lift the blinds up. I’ve been known to run to the store or something with the TV on so that isn’t always a clue I’m home. If I open the door it’s just a crack and I’m very good at sending them on their way. I really hate when one catches me out in the yard. I was sitting out on my back patio one day several years ago and some kid comes around the side of the house and harasses me on my own back patio to buy a magazine subscription from him for a mission trip. I don’t do magazine subscriptions. Sorry kid.
I agree with you 100% about wimpy handshakes. Totally turns me off when men & women don’t know how to execute a proper handshake! I made sure to teach my son & daughter how to do it right!