This morning, I saw a spider crawling across the ceiling of the bathroom. It had that particularly leggy look that Brown Recluses have (I know there’s another way to tell that they’re Brown Recluses, some mark on their back or something, but it’s the long skinny legs that always tip me off), so I looked around for a way to kill it. We didn’t have a fly swatter upstairs (and I don’t think a fly swatter would have reached the ceiling, anyway) and I was afraid that if I came downstairs to get the Dyson handheld, the spider would disappear. Finally, I saw the broom hanging on the back of the bathroom door, and I clipped the dustpan over the bristles, and tried to squash the spider.
I got it about half-squashed, and then decided to knock him to the floor, where I could finish the squashing and toss him in the toilet and then flush (and yes, that’s like 38.6 gallons of water that’s totally WASTED, but you must always flush the dead poisonous spider or it will come back to life, crawl out of the toilet, and come to find you). So I scraped the dustpan along the ceiling, expecting that the spider would kind of stick to the edge of the dustpan and… he disappeared. He wasn’t on the dustpan, nor was he on the bristles, and I couldn’t see him on the floor anywhere. I grabbed the flashlight and shone it in every conceivable spot and he was nowhere to be seen.
So what I’m telling you is that there’s a half-crippled, possibly rabid, REALLY pissed off Brown Recluse on the loose, and he’s coming for me.
Should I go ahead and pick out Fred’s next wife now, y’think, or just let him be a merry widower for a while and then he can pick out his own wife?
Man, I don’t think I’d be Princess Kate (or whatever the hell they’re calling her. The Duchess of something-or-other. You know, Wills’s WIFE. You remember the wedding from sometime last year, I presume?) for a million dollars and a tiara. First they were dating and all the entertainment magazines were howling for a wedding. Then the wedding was announced and the entertainment magazines were frothing for details of the dress and all that. Now they’re screaming for a pregnancy. How much stress must that put on a newlywed couple, particularly the bride? She goes out in something the slightest bit less than form-fitting or had a late night and slumps a little, and they’re all “BUMP WATCH! WHEN IS THE BABY DUE?”. She wears something that IS form-fitting and they’re all “PRINCESS KATE IS WAY TOO SKINNY, THE PALACE IS CONCERNED!”, all rife with “quotes” from “insiders” about how “the queen” is all “That bitch is too skinny! How’s she gonna carry an heir and a spare when she’s got no meat on her bones?!”
If I were Princess Kate, I’d have a daily announcement to the tabloids. I’d come out onto the balcony, all dressed to the nines with my tiara (she has her own tiara, I hope) and make a speech.
“Paparazzi! I am not, at this moment, pregnant. I did have an extra slice of pizza last night, thus the bloat. Please move along, nothing to see here! Pip pip!”
(Don’t I have an excellent British accent?)
Isn’t he off with the Royal Army/ Air Force/ Navy/ Marines or something? Wasn’t there a big fuss about how Kate’s ALL ALONE but she’s managing to muddle through? See, obviously I’m not paying enough attention to the royals. Back when Diana and Charles were first married, I devoured every single bit of information I could about her. I have the book that came out right after they were married, and though she’s gone (and the happily-ever-after was bullshit anyway), I can’t quite bring myself to donate the book or pack it away. I know she had her issues, but DAMN I loved me some Princess Diana.
I still can’t believe she’s gone.
Pip pip!
Previously
2011: No entry.
2010: No entry.
2009: (What can I say? They were priced REALLY well, and I’m a sucker for cat toys.)
2008: “So, would you want a pregnant cat?” she asked hopefully.
2007: It can’t happen soon enough, if you ask me.
2006: Taking the week off.
2005: No entry.
2004: No entry.
2003: “Helloooooo, Fancypants! Hey, buddy, whatchoo doin’?” I said in my special Fancypants voice.
2002: Know what I’m thinking? Psycho stalker, desperate to come into the house, rape and rob us and leave us for dead, stealing the computers and the big-screen TV on the way out.
2001: I should have stayed in bed this morning.
2000: No entry.
Robyn, I am right there with you re: spiders (I cannot even share with you what my imagination conjured up, when thinking of your pizzed off spider!) AND right with you re: The Princess of Hearts. I have loved Diana since she shyly came onto the scene, and wept at her funeral (watched every moment live on TV). I miss her, and love me some Princess Diana, too.
Man, your comments on the princess made me realize I’ve been hearing all the news about Pippa in a car in Paris with a gun, and all this time I was thinking it was the Princess. But, wait, I guess that would be “Kate?” And Pippa is her sister?
I am such a loser when it comes to keeping royalty straight. Thank god for Wickipedia. My day is saved.
Pippa’s the one with the nice butt they go crazy over! 🙂 (Now I have to go read about the gun, I hadn’t heard this!)
I feel you on the Princess Di love. My mom was a tabloid junkie when I was a kid, and I even remember watching the Royal Wedding when I was like 3 or 4. When she died I felt like a long lost aunt had passed on. I watched the funeral and even sent a card to the palace for Wills and Harry. Sappy I know, but it broke my heart to see them so young without their mom. In any event, I adore Princess Kate as well, and hope she and Will have a long happy marriage… with or without kids!
Robyn, I was so into the royal wedding when I was four that it made me want to move to the UK. My father told me it was impossible, which was pretty much a guarantee that I’d find a way. I stayed for ten years, just for good measure. I still have the same feelings of disbelief about her being gone. If I’m ever really bored or just feel like having a good cry, I’ll watch YouTube videos of her funeral or all the multiple interviews online. (Remember when she did the Martin Bashir interview? I honestly didn’t believe she was doing it even as I watched it. Crazy!)
Oh god, that Martin Bashir interview, yes!
Is it weird that it forever surprised me that she had a British accent??? Seriously! 😀
You can’t sit on the toilet when there are bugs in it. They will crawl up while you are there even if they are dead!
SO TRUE!!!
*Ahem* Her formal title is Her Royal Highness, the Princess William, The Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus. She is not styled Princess Kate because she was not born a Princess and technically referring to her as Princess Kate is wrong, which is why they call her Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. Diana was styled similar, Her Royal Higness, the Princess Charles, Princess of Wales.. but most folks are crazy about Royalty like me, so we just call them Princess So-and-So. (In contrast, Princess Beatrice was born a Princess and thus is legally a Princess by birth). Diana lost her title Princess after the divorce, but was granted use of the title Princess of Wales after her name due to her position as Mother of future King.
It’s all very confusing and I don’t claim to understand it all. Basically – If it’s infront of your name, you were born into it, after your name, you married into it.
The more you know..
That should have been “Most folks aren’t crazy about royalty..”
:/
Okay, I’ve got to say that “Baroness Carrickfergus” sounds like something you tossed in there to see if we were paying attention. 🙂
That’s all very interesting – and honestly, I didn’t know the part about if it’s in front of your name you were born into it, etc. That bit of info very well may stick in my brain for real!
I got up in the middle of the night to watch Di get married and I cried when I watched her funeral. Such a shame. She would be so proud of her boys.
Me too..
And about the missing half dead spider? We are ALL going to miss you very much (bowing head in honor).
(KIDDING of course. That fucker is more afraid of you at this point I am willing to wager!
Maybe it fell in to your hair???? Or down the back of your shirt?
Heh. 🙂 Just kidding!!!!!
That’s what I was thinking!!!!
Saw this, thought of you: http://failbook.failblog.org/2012/04/18/funny-facebook-fails-man-spider/
I loved Di too but I feel old because I was a newlywed when she got engaged. I was the one buying the People magazines. I bought the Star after the wedding for the pictures. I was working second shift during the wedding but got in a car accident and was off that week with whiplash. I got up at 4 AM and watched all of it too. I did the same last year with Will and Kate. I’m not as into it as I was with Di. I do feel like no one replace her or Jackie O when it comes to elegance, glamour and style. I am an anglophile and I love British novels, films and mini series too. I’ve heard Princess Anne referred to as The Princess Royal because she is royally born. I have Diana books and magazines and a Franklin Mint Diana Doll. There is a magnet of her on my fridge. I will always miss and admire her.
A week later I am REALLY curious about whether you ever found that spider!
Well, actually, what happens is the half-crippled, flushed-away spider stays in the sewer to recuperate and grow to many hundreds of times its original size. THEN it comes back to get you. Trufax.