4/1/05

Kaycee Nicole!” “Bessie,” Fred said. “GO SEE THE FUCKING DOCTOR.” He’d suggested it several times before, but this time he was adamant. “I don’t want to!” I said. “She’ll tell me I have leukemia, and you’ll insist that they unplug me!” “Maybe it’s your thyroid levels,” he said. “Maybe your iron levels are low. Go see the doctor, or I’ll hire a someone big and scary to haul your ass to the doctor at gunpoint.” “FINE,” I said. “I’ll call and make an appointment tomorrow!” Later that night, my sister called. We hadn’t spoken in a few weeks, so we talked for quite a while. I ended up telling her about the heartburn and about the sleepiness. She was quiet for a long time, which scared me a little. She’s not a medical professional, but she’s worked in a doctor’s office for several years; maybe something was striking a chord in her mind? “I told Fred I think it’s leukemia!” I joked uncomfortably. She didn’t laugh. “Actually, it sounds like something else to me,” she said. “You’re going to think I’m crazy…” “Oh, god. What??” I demanded. And then she told me.

“This is what I get,” I said to Fred, who was pretty much non-responsive for an hour after I told him and showed him the test. “This is what I get for writing an entry telling people we weren’t having a baby. I was probably already pregnant!” “Does this mean I don’t need to get a vasectomy?” Fred joked after he came out of his fugue state. “This means I’m going to perform the vasectomy with a rusty knife!” I said. “I’ve been on the pill for eight fucking years!” “Remember what you said?” Fred reminded me. “Remember when you said that if you got pregnant when you were on the pill or after I had the vasectomy, it would be a sign that we were really meant to have a baby?” “I WAS JOKING.” And then I was struck with a thought. “Oh my god, I’ve been taking the pill and I’m on Toprol! Could that hurt the baby?” We looked on Google. Google had nothing to offer. I called my doctor, who told me that there were no long-term studies of pregnant women on Toprol. She referred me to a local obstetrician, who decided to do some blood tests and an ultrasound. She wanted to do an amnio, but those are safer once I pass 15 weeks, so we’re going to wait on that. I’m about ten weeks along, by the way. So on Wednesday, Fred and I went to the other side of Huntsville, sat in a waiting room until my bladder was thisclose to bursting and I was thisclose to crying due to the pressure on my bladder. The ultrasound technician called us back to the room about half an hour after the appointed time. How I didn’t pee my pants, I do not know. I settled on the table, Fred next to me, and the ultrasound was performed.
Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe that copy of the ultrasound doesn’t make it obvious. Let me clear it up for you, shall I?
God isn’t laughing. God is laying on the ground, clutching his stomach with tears rolling down his face, guffawing.
* * *
“You don’t think I’m going to babysit for you, do you? Because I have NO INTEREST in being a big brother.”
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90 thoughts on “4/1/05”

  2. are you really going to torture us all day and make us wonder if this is an april fool’s joke??

  3. OMG!
    And I was all excited to tell you about the bug my cat dropped on my neck last night. But OMG!!!!

  6. Happy April Fool’s Day!!!
    (Unless it’s not a joke, in which case: CONGRATULATIONS!)
    (And if it’s not a joke, I can’t believe that you have offered proof that you and Fred actually have sex! I thought you were a virgin! You’ve sullied my opinion of you for perhaps a lifetime!)

  7. April fool???
    By the way, I LOVE the new layout! I laughed out loud when I saw it.
    Also, on May first, I am walking for the March of Dimes to raise money on premature baby birth research. Could you ask your nice readers to visit my walk site and pledge something for my walk? Thanks so much! http://www.walkamerica.org/amiebea

  8. Yep – got to be an April fools! a rather elaborate one at that. Robyn i think you just love to tormnt those select few of your readers who are obsessed with the idea of you and fred having a baby!

  10. If it were just one baby, I’d be tempted to believe it, but the A/B was over the top Miz Anderson. Hee.

  13. Thankfully, I read Fred’s journal first and I realized what day it is! Good one, though!!

  17. So I was kind of getting excited for you – nad halfway through I thought *WAIT A MINUTE* – it’s April 1st.
    Good one!

  18. This is definitely an April Fool’s, but one of two ways.
    1) Robyn has played an absolutely BEAUTIFUL joke on all of us, and has capped it off with a wonderfully authentic ultrasound, complete with time, date and name.
    2) The Universe has played an absolutely BEAUTIFUL joke on Robyn, and has capped it off with a wonderfully nightmarish ultrasound, complete with twins.
    Robyn, your audience awaits the answer with breathless anticipation.

  19. If true…super congrats because we can see how happy the spud is..so another young’un raised by you and Fred would have a great set of parents….if it’s an April Fool’s joke…
    spit:splutttterrr….you turd! 🙂 hehe
    ooooBooogers..you look so munchable!

  20. I almost peed my pants til I remembered what day it is. Damn I hate being gullible!!!

  22. Love the new logo!
    Wouldn’t it be a pisser if Robyn WAS pregnant with twins?! And I wouldn’t put it past Robyn to WAIT until April Fools to tell us, if it were, in fact, true. 😉

  26. april fools or not, I think its pretty clever as a prank. I’m going with Jennifer on this though, I’d really like to know if it’s for real or not. heh…Congrats if it is though! oddly enough I gave birth to an April 1st baby 7 years ago.

  27. I’m so conflicted…I want it to be real just so I won’t feel like a huge jackass when you announce it tomorrow laughing at us!
    All I can think is, you have Paint Shop Pro…ultrasounds can probably be found with google images…
    But if it is true, Congratulations! If it’s not, your joke is definitely better than Fred’s.

  28. You had me, you did. I admit it, I’m a sucker!
    And if it turns out that you are in fact NOT evil and this is the real deal…CONGRATULATIONS!

  33. Good Joke Robyn
    I know if’n you were pregnant you would be passed out on the floor still =)

  35. *giggle* I think the best april fools joke would be if you really WERE pregnant with twins and told us all on April Fools Day so that no one believed ya. 😀

  37. I am sitting at my desk crying for you (tears of joy ya know!) sooooo if this is a joke I am gonna be TICKED!

  42. OH MY GOD, Robyn…I’m running around my house screaming to my hubby and kids “Robyn is pregnant! WITH TWINS!” and getting SO excited, (and SO happy it isn’t me!) never even thinking about April Fools. If you didn’t live so far there would be some serious ass-kicking going on! My kids have been telling me lame April Fools jokes since 6:15 this morning…they need to take a lesson from you. Good one, you deliciously evil woman you!

  43. If it’s true, I hope you won’t think I’m a bitch when I laugh and say, “April Fool’s!”
    I absolutely love the April banner. 🙂

  45. Aw man, you totally had me going!! Oh well, I was going to leave a comment anyway to tell you I love the new banner.

  46. Is this is an April Fool’s trick?
    If it is, where did you get the ultrasound pics?
    You made me DElurk to ask this! I enjoy lurking! I feel sneaky. Almost like “heehee, she doesn’t know I’m reading” and NOW YOU DO. >

  49. Okay I was all ready to post my congratulations on the twins but now after reading all the comments should I say congratulations on FOOLING ME?????
    Jen

  50. Love the new banner! Nope I was not taken in by this one for 2 seconds. Nice try though!

  51. …you had me until the picture of the EPT stick.
    The twin thing made me snort Diet Coke on my monitor.
    Like everyone said, though, the best would be if God did decide that his sense of humor is better than yours!!!!

  54. April Fools? It does happen though, I have 2 teenagers and a 3 year old. Oh and the new logo is very cute!

  55. I was so excited. I was trying to call my sister in indiana and have her read the page while I was on the phone so we could shriek in excitement together. She wasn’t there and I was gonna explode and then I started reading your comments waiting for her to call back…
    ah yu got me good. Freds wasn’t nearly as good.

  56. You should of made the babies with smiley faces on them…lol…
    Happy April Fools Day.

  57. April Fools! LMAO… I knew you were full of shit, cause if all that was true, you wouldn’t be sitting here posting about it, you’d be leaping off the nearest bridge, just as I would!!!

  58. i totally just said HOLY SHIT aloud. congrats and good luck!!!! oh. my. word. you’ll have to create a registry for the babies (ha!) so we can shower you (them) with gifts.

  60. OMG. I got all teary eyed and started clapping out loud…now I feel like a giant fool. Mr. T pities the fool, sucka! ;p

  61. I was cracking up– after reading Fred’s- I knew it had to be April Fools— you are evil.

  62. A very loud “OH MY GOD” escaped my lips before I realized that for the third time today I have been taken for a fool. Excellent one, Robyn, but we all know that rather than showing off pictures of twins you would be cursing God rather than telling us he is laughing!
    But still….damn. Good one.

  63. It would be cool if it was true, I don’t know what to believe but I will say Congrats anyway! Don’t leave us hanging though!

  64. Grrr! I always forget about April Fool’s! Congratulations…on fooling so many of your (temporarily shocked) readers!

  65. I think it may be true, the picture does have her name on it, and it does look real…..

  67. I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT…as I was reading your symptoms I was saying to myself..hmmm….sounds like she is preggo….OMG…. I have read you and Fred’s blogs for YEARS!!! I have never commented but anytime something really is funny as hell I always send links to all my friends…I talk about you guys like I actually “know” you..(scary huh?) I am so excited for you…. goes to show you…life happens just the way it should huh! LOL
    Congrats guys!!!!

  68. Oh Man…I just got beat over the head with a stupid stick didn’t I…. ughhhh

  69. You totally had me. I even believed the twins. Until I started reading the comments.
    Good job!

  70. What’s almost as funny as your (EVIL!!!!) prank was reading the comments from people who believe it…even after someone posted the link to where you scammed the sonogram picture from! Just goes to show what a talented writer you are =o)
    And for the record, as I was reading I was saying a little chant “Pleasedon’tbeanAprilFoolsDayjokePleasedon’tbeanAprilFoolsDayjokePleasedon’tbeanAprilFoolsDayjoke!!”
    Ahhh well. =o)

  73. Almost forgot….This definitely belongs in the Best of Bitchypoo archives!

  74. Let me be frank – I would so love it if you were preggers with twins because showering you with gifts would be kewlio.
    I would also totally love Fred winning thousands of dollars playing cards.
    May you both rot in hell for this.
    Love ya!
    Frank
    ;-D

  75. I am trying to control my excitement till Monday’s post to see if you are kidding or not. This is going to be a LONG weekend. 🙂

  76. You had me going Robyn. Indeed you did. In my thoughts I took on the voice of Chandler’s ex-girlfriend… Ohhhhhhhhhh Myyyyyyy God!
    Then I remembered what day it was. You are either really, really bad or very, very good. Because I am still thinking… hmm. lol

  77. Dang! I looked at the ultrasound link. *stomps foot* I made it until this late in the day without getting fooled!!

  78. Hm. Robyn. Been reading you just long enough to think….this is April Fools day….but what you’ve said just might be true….with a twist of some sort! Can’t wait to find out!! If it is…big congrats on the baby(ies?). If it’s not…big contrats on making us wonder!! LOVE. Mean LOVE. Reading your entries…keep it up, k?

  79. Evil. E-V-I-L!!!
    I hope you and Fred have booked your first-class seats in hell 😉
    I was squealing until I got to the ultrasound pictures, then it hit me that it was April 1st.
    Darnit. We were going to try to do the same thing to my in-laws, too.

  80. Wowzers…
    I totally bought it for a while. This is the best April Fool’s prank on me this year.
    Unless of course, it’s real. In which case, congrats and I hope you’re happy.

  81. Congrats on the wonderful April Fool’s joke. I pretty much knew as soon as I saw the EPT that you were shitting us.
    Also, the “tumah” quote is one of my all time faves. I can totally see Fred as Arnie! Next entry, quote some “Raising Arizona” and I’ll be in heaven.

  82. God, I’m SO gullible. I totally believed it!!!! I was going to write you the most enthusiastic congratulations e-mail known to man! You really got me. lol

  83. Okay, I was totally going for this…I was concieved on the IUD, I have a cousin born three years after his dad had a vasectomy, and I thought it possible that something happened right Fred got his snip – so, uh –
    Happy April Fools!

  84. Dude.. Not only am I going to have wonder this myself for the whole weekend (Nice April Fool’s joke).. but I have to listen to my mother debate, redebate and debate it again for the whole weekend because she’s been an avid reader for like 3 years! You are evil!

  85. O.k. I’m betting it’s April Fool’s joke so then who’s ultra sound picture is it??? Does A and B mean those are twins???? Ha ha ha Couldn’t be happier for you. All our love.

  87. Oh my god-oh my god I was so excited!! Then I realized what day it is. So congrats on the joke instead of the twins.

  88. man I totally hope you jinx yourself and wind up with some unexpected triplets when you’re like 57.

  89. MERRRG!
    I read this today, APril SECOND, and so was not thinking about April Fools, and I was ALL EXCITED, and I actually yelled out loud “THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME.”
    Snerf. Now I’m all . . . I don’t know . . . let down.

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