I’m a great-aunt! My nephew (Chris, the 21 year-old son of my oldest brother, not Brian, who’s the 17 year-old son of my sister) and his girlfriend had a baby yesterday; his name is Jordan.
This makes my brother a grandfather, which makes me giggle because it seems so ludicrous. Isn’t he, like, 30? Aren’t I in my mid-20s? How can he possibly be old enough to have a grandchild?
I’ve actually only seen Chris a few times in his life – I first saw him when he was only about a month old (I was 19). Tracy and his then-wife came to Maine to visit for Christmas, and it was really the first time I’d spent any real time around a baby. I LOVED him, he was the cutest little thing, and when Tracy and his wife left, I tried to convince them to leave Chris behind, but they wouldn’t go for it.
So unreasonable.
(It’s probably no coincidence that I was pregnant with the spud less than a month later.)
A few years later, when Chris was around 2, he and his mother came to stay with my parents while Tracy was… Well, I don’t remember where he was. In officer’s school or something? Something military-related, I can tell you that. He was, well, he was two years old: sweet and rambunctious and always saying stuff that made us laugh.
After that, I didn’t see him again until a few years ago (four years ago, perhaps?), and he’d turned into a super-quiet (seriously, I don’t think I heard him say more than three words), observant teenager. You think they grow fast when they’re your own, but let me tell you – when you don’t see them very much, they seem to grow in an instant.
Now he’s a father. How amazing is that?
(Shaddup. I love the hell out of that commercial.)
Those of you who asked for a picture of Fred’s bald head are going to be left wanting, I’m afraid. Fred would no sooner let me take a picture of him when he thinks he looks horrible than Mister Boogers would spread sunshine and happiness wherever he glared.
Just imagine a great big bald head with Fred’s face on it, and you’ll get the picture.
It’s good to know that I’m not alone in my hatred of having the cashier comment when you’re buying something. Do you ever notice that they don’t comment on the salad or carrots you’re buying, but the stuff that’s not good for you? Fred says it always makes him want to bellow “ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!”
Some of the comments that made me laugh:
I hate it when checkers comment on what I’m buying, except the time we bought bread and ice cream and he asked if we were making ice cream sandwiches.
I just don’t get the lack of filter on these kid’s mouths. Biting your tongue is or WAS a big part of working with the public. Last year I was on a line minding my own business when a cashier pulled me over to open a new line. He must have acted without authority because the front end person came over to tell him to shut down. He turned to me and started to tell me how lucky I was he was helping me. I was frigging PISSED and I started to rip into him “YOU called ME over here-I was on line minding my own business!” I must have looked all menapausal scary because he apologized immediately. But really I’m going to sound old but did you EVER address an adult the way they talk to us? A good slap might teach them something.
My husband eats a bag of chips in one sitting so I have to buy lots if I expect to get any over the next 2 weeks or so. Also I just happened to be doing a very big grocery shop and my cupboards were bare. The cashier, not a teen, says “oh you must have a teenager at home.” I’m like “No. Just a big husband.” Then instead of shutting her trap right then she says “Wow, is this food for a whole month!?” To which I reply seethingly “I don’t really know. I shop sporadically.” What I really wanted to say was “No. My husband and I are a couple of fat lazy couch potatos! Now shut your pie hole and finish ringing me up!” This is why I usually use the self check-out.
Precisely why, no matter how many groceries I have, I always use the self check-out. Deep down, I’d love to have the guts to say ‘Mind your own f**king business!’
As for chatty cashiers…after placing an order at Taco Bell for what must have seemed like an ungodly amount of food for two people (my husband and me), the cashier said, “Whooo!! Is that to go??” Um, no. That’s for here. As in, the two fat-ass pigs in front of you are going to eat it ALL, bitch!”
Fred and I were talking about it last night, and of course he has this need to be REASONABLE (god I hate that!) and he said “Well, you know, the cashiers are just trying to make conversation…” and I suppose I get that, but how about a comment about the weather instead? I don’t need a complete stranger commenting on the food I’m buying.
Next time I go in to the grocery store, I’m going to buy a container of laxative suppositories (the BIG one), lube, the big pack of toilet paper and a big-ass bag of candy, and then I’m going to DARE the cashier to say something.
Thanks for the bread comments and suggestions, as well. The recipe I attempted using was this one – and let me stress that I’m sure it was user error on my part (since I’ve never made a loaf of bread by hand in my LIFE) that was the problem, not the recipe.
I used all-purpose flour, since that’s what the recipe called for, but I do keep bread flour on hand, so maybe I should try that?
Actually what I’m probably going to try next is the Amish white bread Aimee linked to.
I did try using the mixer, but when I kept adding flour and it kept being way too sticky, I gave up. I think if I had it to do over again, I would have seen if it would rise, and then I’d have punched it down and tossed it in the oven to see what happened. Even if it came out a big heavy doughy lump of crap, I could have fed it to the pigs and chickens – tossing the dough in the trash was such a waste.
I should really be chronicling this whole breadmaking thing in pictures, shouldn’t I? Bitchypoo’s Adventures in Breadmaking!
I’m sure it’d be just as exciting as it sounds.
Newt McNewtles wishes you all a Happy St. Patrick’s Day! (“She’s not going to make corned beef, is she? I hate that stuff. It’s gross. EWWWW.”)
Previously
2008: Guess who flew to Pennsylvania so she could eat cupcakes with Nance and Rick, snuggle the cutest dog on Earth, and reunite with Maddy?
2007: No entry.
2006: everyone’s Irish today, right?
2005: Guess it must run in the family.
2004: The cats are on my fucking NERVES.
2003: You KNOW you’re fascinated!
2002: No entry.
2001: No entry.
2000: The Big Butt Fairy visits us every year though. Just like clockwork.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day to you Mr. McNewtles. And Robyn, Fred, Mr. Boogers, Miz Poo and all the other kitties, chickens and piggies.
That Amish white bread recipe is the best. Very easy and very delicious! I made two loaves on Sunday and they were gone yesterday!
When I used to bake years ago I would just dig the 1 cup measure in the flour and call it good. I have later learened you use a spoon to fill the 1 cup measure to make it more accurate. Is your flour presifted? Or perhaps maybe you need to sift it to get the correct quanity. Also you may be more/less humid than where the recipe originated. Or different altitude. I have to cook EVERYTHING about 25 degrees cooler since we are up higher.
Happy St Patrick’s Day to you too!
I am the mother of four grown children so I can look back and see everything in that commercial. I made me cry–I love it. Thanks for posting it.
Making bread by hand can be difficult sometimes–the liquid the yeast goes into has to be just the right temp or it will kill the yeast, then you have to knead it until you think your hands are going to fall off your wrists and then it has to rise in a location where there are no drafts—–just use the bread machine. A lot easier.
On the cashiers making comments – I just stopped at the store to stock up on meats and veggies for dinner for the next few nights. I walk with a very awkward… limp, but folks that know me say they don’t even notice. So, I am leaving the store and the greeter feels the need to ask me if I just had surgery?!?!? I tell her no. She replies that she can tell something is wrong with me. Umm… I have MS… feel better now heifer??? *sigh*
Regarding inappropriate remarks…I had something horrifying happen the other night… but my Dad was the perpetrator! We had to go to some pre-surgery testing, and the nurse came in the room with a noticeable red birthmark in the middle of her forehead. My 80 y.o. Dad pipes up, “what’s that on your forehead??” OMG I wanted the floor to swallow me up.
Me again on bread…3 cups of water is an awful lot for 6 cups of flour. I use less than that for 9-10 cups of flour.
I think you should use a better recipe for your first bread. Let me know if you’d like me to find one. If you’d like, I’ll e-mail you the one I make from my Sicilian aunt’s instructions, but it doesn’t keep for more than a day or maybe two. She made bread every.single.day for the whole family.
Me again on bread…3 cups of water is an awful lot for 6 cups of flour. I use less than that for 9-10 cups of flour.
I think you should use a better recipe for your first bread. Let me know if you’d like me to find one. If you’d like, I’ll e-mail you the one I make from my Sicilian aunt’s instructions, but it doesn’t keep for more than a day or maybe two. She made bread every.single.day for the whole family.
Since I accidently posted twice, I’ll just post again! I just looked at the Amish White bread recipe you linked to and it looks a hell of a lot better than the granny bread recipe. I wouldn’t use that much sugar, but I’ll bet you’ll have better success with that recipe.
Good luck! If I could, I’d come to AL just to make bread with you.
oh my God, Kristina’s comment makes me want to punch people. I hate it when people are inquisitive to the point of being rude/cruel. I tend to err more on the side of not asking questions if I’m afraid the answer is something the person won’t want to talk about – probably to the point though where I seem like I’m uninterested. I read a quote in a book that was really fitting, “she probed beyond what was kind.”
I’m still thankful that I did not have a chatty cashier the time I bought condoms and chapstick though. Nuff said.
Two friends of mine in college (a girl and a guy) made a bet (I forget on what) and he lost; his payment was to go to the local grocery store, full of fellow college students, and purchase nipple shields, a box of maxi pads and a soap opera digest. She invited friends to come and watch him check out.
Ok so last night I had the cashier the commented on everything. By the time I left I found out he had diabetes, his meds reacted to grapefruit juice and that he doesn’t like hamburer pizza by Tony’s because its made with ketchup and not tomato…
God I wish I had gotten tampons or some cream for anal itching.
dough hook on a kitchenaid. That’s my secret to bread success. 🙂 To heck with hand kneading.
Yeah, that recipe you were using is … weird. Too much water. I think you’ll find a much different experience with the other recipe. I haven’t made the amish recipe as is for a long time, we don’t usually have plain old white bread, but now I’m wanting it, it’s so yummy 🙂 And for the record, I hate chatty cashiers. We shop at Trader Joe’s more than anywhere else and they are, in general, not obnoxious there. They might comment on the weather or make some friendly small-talk. The only time I remember them commenting on something I’ve bought is if it’s one of their new products, they might ask if I’ve tried it yet, or comment that “it’s so good!” I’ve had some really annoying comments from cashiers at the Safeway down the street, though, yeesh.
Not only cashiers but total strangers make comments also. A few years ago before I had back surgery, I was standing in line at my local drugstore when I overheard an elderly gentleman talking about how he was loosing his hearing. When I reached the counter, the clerk who knows me, asked me what I had heard from my dissability. As I turned to leave the elderly gentleman (old man) looked me over and in a very sarcastic way stated “you don’t look dissabled,” mind you I am not usually rude but I just had to say it “and you don’t look deaf” boy,did his face turn red. for the record I am elderly also, don’t that make it ok to insult back.— It’s been a few years since I had spinal surgery on my back and I am still walking with a quad cane and I tend to favor one leg. Last summer while limping around the farmers market a total stranger walked up to me and in a very loud voice said” whats wrong with you foot?” I get so tired telling people what is wrong with my foot.– HAPPY ST PATTYS DAY TO ALL OF CROOKED ACRES.
I swear, your cashiers must be unique. I never get a comment unless it for an unusual item and then it is just to ask if we have tried the item before. I mean never, ever do they ask or say anything unusual.
Now, when the little store was still open around the corner, they would tell me about their entire family and who was in jail, pregnant at 17 or going to rehab. I guess because we had shopped there for so many years they felt obligated to keep us up to date? Ugh.
Last summer while limping around the farmers market a total stranger walked up to me and in a very loud voice said” whats wrong with you foot?” I get so tired telling people what is wrong with my foot.
May I suggest?
Stranger: What’s wrong with your foot?
Shirley: I’m struggling to keep it from kicking your rude, nosy ass.
God. Some people.
I have seldom needed more than an expression of “And what type of disgusting little specimen do we have HERE” accompanied by the frosty-toned “[pause] ExCUSE me?” to get people to back off.
I do regret that I have used that technique too liberally in the past… I was once doing some cross-stitching in a hospital waiting room and an elderly lady started talking to me about cross-stitch, and showed me her glasses-case-on-a-chain that she had hand-embroidered. It really was quite lovely and very intricate work, but I was really in A Mood, so I stared at her for about three solid seconds and then said, “How utterly deLIGHTful for you.” in a very flat tone of voice. The Today Me wants to go back in time and bitch-slap the Then Me right in her stupid, prissy, hateful, bitchy, nasty, horrid little mouth. In a suitable frame of mind (i.e., right now), I can make myself cry with shame if I remember the look on that lady’s face. “Some people” indeed. *hangs head in shame*
I watched that video without my headphones on, so maybe I’m missing something with no sound, but that was CREEPY AS HELL.
Aimee and Maxie both said what I would say too: 3 cups of water to 6 cups of flour is WAY too much
liquid! In every kind of bread I’ve made, the proportion is 2 cups of liquid (all kinds) to 6 cups of
flour. As to the yeast: many years ago I was told to think of the yeast as if it was a little old man who needed to be kept warm (but not too warm) or he would catch cold. It’s always worked for me.
(And yes, do try it with your bread flour! It really makes a difference.)
My brother just turned into a grandpa a few months ago. Whenever someone says grandpa I assume they mean my Dad. No way my brother could be a grandpa. I’m way too young to have a grandpa for a brother.
As I was scrolling down this entry, reading about bread, I could see the photo below even though I wasn’t focusing on it yet… and I thought, “Why has Robyn put that loaf of bread on a chair?”
Can I just say that I hate going to the grocery store when garden season is in full swing? I keep feeling the need to explain that yes, indeed I do, eat fruits and vegetables, even though I never appear to buy any. I’m not even a super fattypants anymore, but still am way too self conscious about what I buy at the grocery store.