I was driving to the grocery store yesterday when my cell phone rang.
“Hey,” said Fred. “I was cutting my hair*, and the guard fell off, and now I have a big bald spot on the top of my head. Can you buy me some eyeliner or something?”
After some discussion, it turned out that what he really wanted was mascara (“The stuff with the brush”) to color in the bald spot, Fred’s version of spray-on hair. I had my doubts as to how well that would work, but I bought him some cheap dark-brown mascara.
When I got home, he showed me his bald spot, and I had STRONG doubts that he was going to be able to cover it with mascara, but he gave it the ol’ college try and sure enough, that wasn’t going to fool anyone.
“On the up side, the only way anyone would see it is if you deliberately tried to show them, or they were taller than you,” I said. Fred glared at me and went off to shave his head.
Then he whined about how he looked so stupid and how he has a weirdly shaped head and how he needed a ball cap. We ended up going to the dollar store to buy him a cap that fit, and then continued on to Tractor Supply to buy a few more, since he apparently plans to wear caps all the time until his hair grows back to the 1/2″ length he prefers.
“How about I cut my hair in solidarity?” I offered.
“You’d shave your head?” he said.
“Well. No. I’d have you use the clippers and the longest guard to cut my hair.”
“That’s not solidarity. Solidarity would be shaving your head,” he objected.
“And if your head was shaved due to circumstances beyond your control like ILLNESS or an attack by a wild animal, then I’d be willing to shave my head. I think letting you cut my hair to 1″ all over is PLENTY of solidarity.”
But really, I have no intention of letting him cut my hair to 1″ long. If he had a 3″ guard, I might be willing, but 1″? I don’t think so. I think it’s enough that I made the offer and shouldn’t have to follow through on it, right? Right?
If he goes bald due to illness or a wild animal attack, though, I’ve got his back.
*He’s been growing out his hair for the past few months, and finally decided that having to actually comb his hair when he gets out of the shower was more effort than he wanted to expend in the hair section of his life, so he decided to go back to using his electric razor to cut it to 1/2″ long.
I attempted to make a loaf of bread by hand on Saturday. It didn’t go so well. When I’d added twice as much flour as the recipe called for (DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?) and the dough was still super-sticky, Fred came in to see what I was doing.
Fuming, is what I was doing.
“I want to drive to (state where recipe-providing person lives) and kick (person) in the throat!” I bellowed.
“Bessie,” he said in that ultra-reasonable tone that makes me want to kick him in the throat and scratch his eyes out. “Why -”
“FUCK YOU!” I bellowed.
He laughed.
“We have a perfectly good -”
“FUCK YOU!” I bellowed.
“And we hardly ever eat -”
“FUCK YOU!” I bellowed.
“So don’t make the bread?” he suggested.
I turned and lobbed the sticky lump of dough into the trash can.
“You should have put that in the pig bucket,” Fred said.
“Oh, shut up and get out of my way. I need a scone.”
At least the scones – the recipe for which I got here, and then adapted (ie, used Ghiardelli chocolate chips instead of dried cherries) for my own nefarious uses (ie, shoving in my face) – came out really damn good.
Too good, really.
But truthfully, why do I keep trying to make bread? What’s the point? We DO have a perfectly good bread machine that makes okay bread. Which is beside the point, because we don’t hardly ever eat bread! It takes us like three weeks to go through a loaf of bread!
(I still might give that no-knead bread a try, though. Shaddup.)
I finished off the weekend by making a batch of Cooking Light Chocolate Chip cookies (my sister’s birthday is this week, so I made a batch of cookies for Brian. He’s a growing boy and he likes cookies!) and then a double batch of Piggerdoodles. We ran out of pig cookies Saturday night and they each only got one and a half cookies and O THE HUMANITY HOW COULD WE LET THEM STARVE LIKE THAT????? I finally realized that the easiest way to keep Fred and I out of the cookies is to toss the egg into the recipe shell and all. There’s not much I hate more than biting down on a piece of eggshell, so I am never ever tempted to eat one of the cookies meant for the pigs. And the pigs don’t mind the egg shells at all, so I call that win-win.
When I was getting groceries yesterday, what with Tuesday being St. Patrick’s Day, I bought a corned beef brisket and all the stuff that goes with it for a New England Boiled Dinner (cabbage, turnips, potatoes, carrots). The cashier was one of those who comments on everything you’re buying.
“Oh, going to do some baking!” as she rang up the chocolate chips I was buying, and “Getting ready for Easter!” as I was buying some Easter candy and so on. When she got to the brisket, she said “Ready for St. Patrick’s Day, I see!” and I smiled and nodded or shrugged or whatever the hell I was doing. The bagger, a teenage girl, was apparently no big fan of corned beef. She made a face and picked up the bag by her thumb and forefinger and held it as far from her body as she could before she turned and placed it in the bag, apparently concerned that she might get some corned beefiness upon her person.
“I don’t like that stuff,” she informed me when she saw me watching her. “It’s so gross. Yuck.” I was surprised she didn’t illustrate her point by gagging and possibly throwing up a little.
In an alternate reality I was bellowing “Well NO ONE INVITED YOU TO DINNER, PRINCESS!” and smacking her upside the head.
In this reality, I just smiled and swiped my debit card.
Stinkerbelle, high on catnip.
Check out the catnip-crazy eyes on Tommy – and the claws!
Previously
2008: No entry.
2007: No entry.
2006: It’s like I’ve never met myself before or something. “Yeah, I’ll let the spud take the car to school, and I’ll be stuck at home, thus NATURALLY I will feel compelled to do housework!”
2005: Old pictures.
2004: (Bwahaha! That’d be the shortest study in the history of mankind, eh?)
2003: No entry.
2002: No entry.
2001: Takes all kinds, I guess.
2000: A life of excitement, thrills and chills, lemme tell ya!
We were at the pet store yesterday, investing in more Katherine food. Rumba and Samba were out in the open for display, not hiding in their litterboxes. Rumba actually woke up and acted vaguely interested in the feather toy hanging in front of her window, Samba snoozed the entire time we watched. Sweet kitties.
“I was surprised she didn’t illustrate her point by gagging and possibly throwing up a little.
In an alternate reality I was bellowing “Well NO ONE INVITED YOU TO DINNER, PRINCESS!” and smacking her upside the head.”
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Poor Fred! I tell my husband he better not go bald because he has a pointy head and he’d look like a conehead.
I guess we won’t be seeing a bald Fred picture anytime soon huh?
Bald Fred pic please. Thank you.
Oh I so wish you did say that to the little Princess bagger, that would have been funny!
Sometimes, Robyn, you’ll have to uncensor just because it makes the story even better when you actually say the mean things you’re thinking. I hate it when checkers comment on what I’m buying, except the time we bought bread and ice cream and he asked if we were making ice cream sandwiches.
Poor Fred! I’m surprised that he just didn’t leave the “spot” and use the opportunity to spin one of his hilarious stories about it.
I have worn my hair fairly short for years. Two years ago just before Christmas I went to a shop to get it trimmed. When I told the new hairdresser that she could cut it fairly short in the back, she picked up her electric shears and proceeded to buzz the back of my hair to the point that I couldn’t even get a hold of it! Too astonished to even say anything (what could be done, anyway), I paid for the cut and walked out. I chose to act as though it was precisely what I wanted and the looks and comments of my family at our Christmas get together were very amusing. It did give me the opportunity to stop coloring my hair since the back was mostly white and didn’t match the light beige blonde of the front and sides. Who knows how much longer I would have kept up the coloring? Always look on the bright side! 🙂
Tommy Scissorhands!
I just don’t get the lack of filter on these kid’s mouths. Biting your tongue is or WAS a big part of working with the public. Last year I was on a line minding my own business when a cashier pulled me over to open a new line. He must have acted without authority because the front end person came over to tell him to shut down. He turned to me and started to tell me how lucky I was he was helping me. I was friging PISSED and I started to rip into him “YOU called ME over here-I was on line minding my own business!” I must have looked all menapausal scary because he apologized immediately. But really I’m going to sound old but did you EVER address an adult the way they talk to us? A good slap might teach them something.
OMG! You linked to me???? I’m so excited!
I’m glad the scones came out well and you don’t want to kick me in the throat!
I’m just getting into baking myself and have similar problems, even in the California lack of humidity. BUT. I’m pretty sure if you let the dough knead in the kitchenaid with the breadhook for a really long time, like ten minutes, a lot of the stickiness goes away without adding more flour.
Hee- my poor husband has a bald spot created by nature and not clippers. 🙂 At least Fred’s hair will grow back!
Robyn, have I missed where you linked to this bread recipe or something? Because I cannot for one moment imagine putting twice as much flour into my bread recipe, I can hardly imagine putting in half a cup extra. There is something very strange going on there, very seriously strange. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Amish-White-Bread/Detail.aspx This is the basic recipe I use. Except I only use a little bit of sugar and I use mostly wheat flour (usually 5 cups wheat, 1 cup white, or sometimes 4/2). Do you have a stand mixer? You can do the whole thing in there up until the first rise. Also, I’ve been using the basic recipe from “Artisan Bread in Five Minutes A Day,” and it’s really easy and good. It was a little odd for me at first, but I’m making pretty good bread now http://www.flickr.com/photos/hippycrite/3347390869/. Yum!
Wouldn’t you think that during grocery store training, they’d teach people not to comment on the customer’s food choices? Honestly.
I hear ya Kathy! My husband eats a bag of chips in one sitting so I have to buy lots if I expect to get any over the next 2 weeks or so. Also I just happened to be doing a very big grocery shop and my cupboards were bare. The cashier, not a teen, says “oh you must have a teenager at home.” I’m like “No. Just a big husband.” Then instead of shutting her trap right then she says “Wow, is this food for a whole month!?” To which I reply seethingly “I don’t really know. I shop sporadically.” What I really wanted to say was “No. My husband and I are a couple of fat lazy couch potatos! Now shut your pie hole and finish ringing me up!” This is why I usually use the self check-out.
I had your same problem with bread, then I started getting into bagel making. I have the perfect no-fail bagel making recipe for you if you want it, but it requires a KitchenAid mixer, and special high-gluten flour. It only makes 8 bagels, which is the perfect amount for two people. My biggest success so far was making Jalepeno Salt bagels. Toasted, with cream cheese they taste exactly like Jalepeno poppers.
Also, I hate it when checkers comment on my purchases in anyway. I just hate being judged.
I saw Aimee’s comment, then went to her linked recipe for the Amish bread. I have been baking bread
regularly every week for more years than I care to discuss, and the ratio of flour to liquid looks right to me. My egg bread (challah) uses 6 to 7 cups of flour to a total of 2 cups of liquid (warm water,
egg, oil). I count the water needed to proof the yeast as part of that 2 cups. As to why yours didn’t
work … it’s a mystery. Did you use a Kitchenaid to combine everything? It works very, very well if
you mix it all with the Kitchenaid using the regular paddle, not the dough hook, and then when the dough begins to leave the sides of the bowl, turn it out on a floured board and knead it a little until it is smooth and feels exactly like a puppy’s belly or a baby’s bum.
I wonder if you could have been using flour with a low gluten content, such as the kind of flour that’s
perfect for biscuits or piecrust? Try using bread flour, any brand as long as it says bread flour on the bag. It really does make an enormous difference both in the kneading and in the rising. And preferably look for unbleached flour, that makes a difference too.
Don’t give up on the bread — if you don’t care to eat bread, the same dough makes fantastic, irresistable cinnamon rolls!
Precisely why, no matter how many groceries I have, I always use the self check-out. Deep down, I’d love to have the guts to say ‘Mind your own f**king business!’
Robyn, have you tried baking the bread even though it seems too sticky? When we used to go to church when I was a kid, everyone loved my mother’s chocolate chip cookies so much that they’d beg her to make them as the dessert portion of any church dinner. She didn’t know how to say no back then, so every Wednesday and one Sunday a month, we’d be a church an hour early, stuck in the kitchen getting stuff ready. One day she had prepared the dough but the oven hadn’t been turned on to preheat. She turned the oven on, set the dough aside, and went to the bathroom. When she returned, she was horrified to find that a “helpful” lady had dumped in an extra 3-4 cups of flour and was mixing it in. Helpful Lady said, “Honey, that dough was FAR too sticky, there wasn’t NEARLY enough flour in it!” but fact of the matter was, it’d been perfect as it was; my mom tried to salvage the cookies but there was already so much extra flour blended in that they were barely edible.
I know cookie dough =/= bread dough, but I’m just wondering if it’s not something similar here – if you tried to ignore the “stickiness” and just stuck to the recipe and baked it, to see how it would come out, I wonder if it’d prove to be just the way that particular dough “does.”
I usually avoid the chatty cashier problem by standing at the end of the conveyor belt or facing the other way, or talking to my son, or rummaging in my purse. If you don’t make eye contact they usually don’t offer more than a “did you find everything all right today?” I have the opposite problem – *I* am more likely to “explain” or “defend” my purchases, even when the cashier clearly couldn’t care less, so I make sure I’m engaged in something else to avoid that temptation.
I flatly refuse to use the self-checkouts. If I have a choice between standing behind ten people in line or going directly to the front of the self-checkout, I’ll stand in line. It’s about 25% a gut-level inexplicable hatred, 25% irritation and frustration with the fact that it’s impossible to check out more than three small items without problems, and 50% the fact that I object to the process of taking four people who are trying to feed their families, and telling three of them that they’re now unemployed because we only need one person to watch over each bank of four checkouts. I pay at the pump for gas which I guess makes me a huge hypocrite, but it seems a lot different when it comes to the grocery/department store, somehow.
Robyn…inquiring minds want to know. Although Boogie updates fairly regularly, there have been NO updates to Ms. Poo’s MySpace page in FOREVER. Her loyal subjects would like to know what’s going on with her, so would you please tell her to get off her portly ass and update, already?
As for chatty cashiers…after placing an order at Taco Bell for what must have seemed like an ungodly amount of food for two people (my husband and me), the cashier said, “Whooo!! Is that to go??” Um, no. That’s for here. As in, the two fat-ass pigs in front of you are going to eat it ALL, bitch!”
I love the self check out. I like doing my own bagging.
I think Fred should just go to a barber from now on!!!
I LOVE Annette comment. I clicked on her name to get to tell her, but it was a bad link. She’s my kind of person!