2/22/06

Spud, you don’t want to read this. Trust me. So, for a brief moment in time, I thought that Bonnie might end up getting her dearest wish. Well, her dearest And3rson-related wish, anyway. See, I had to go off the birth control pill two weeks before I was originally supposed to have surgery (January 23), so the last pill I took was on January 7th. It worked out well, because I had come to the end of the Seasonale pack anyway and was due to stop taking it for a week so I could have my period. Even though I ended up not having surgery until the 30th, I was still off the pill for more than the required two weeks, so I figured everything was fine. Except. Remember how Fred had a vasectomy last April? And remember how he was supposed to bring in a semen sample after he’d had sex a certain number of times? Guess who didn’t bother to do that? Guess who tossed out the specimen cups he was supposed to use to provide said samples? So between the time I finished my period and the time I had surgery, there were many instances of.. you know. You know what I’m getting at, right? HOT MONKEY SEX, that’s what. And me not on the pill, and Fred possibly shooting blanks, but possibly not. My period didn’t start, and didn’t start and didn’t start, and I couldn’t seem to figure out how long it had been since I’d last had my period, and I started to get paranoid. “What if I’m pregnant!” I frantically said to Fred. “You’re not pregnant,” he said. “If there’s anyone on this earth who’d have a vasectomy and have it not “take”, it’d be YOU,” I said. “There will be no more HOT MONKEY SEX until you have your semen sample evaluated by a professional. There is nothing I want on god’s green earth right now – or EVER in the future – less than a BABY.” “Why do you hate me?” Fred asked. “I don’t want to walk in there with a sample cup with EVERYONE in the waiting room knowing what I’ve been doing.” “I’ll TAKE the freaking sample cup to the doctor’s office,” I promised. But first I had to go to the doctor’s office and pick UP a sample cup since see above about someone who is not me tossing out the sample jars we had. And when I walked into the doctor’s office, the waiting room was packed to the gills with men, and I tried to be discreet when I said “I need to pick up a sample cup for my husband”, but the words seemed to come out of my mouth and echo around the room, and my face went bright flaming red. The receptionist gave me a sample cup and I flew out of there as fast as I could. And then, Monday morning (HEY EVERYBODY! GUESS WHAT FRED WAS DOING MONDAY MORNING!) I had to take the actual sample cup avec sample back to the same doctor’s office said sample cup all wrapped up in a plastic grocery bag – since we don’t have any kind of paper bag anywhere in the house – and this time when I walked in to the doctor’s waiting room there were only three people sitting there, but when the receptionist came to the window and I said “I’m dropping off a sample for my husband”, again the words echoed about the room and the three people who were in the waiting room stopped talking and – I presume, since they were behind me and I didn’t turn around to see – started listening. “Is his name on it?” the receptionist asked. I stared at her. “I don’t know,” I said, and let “And I’m not looking” remain unspoken. She gave me a piece of paper to write down his name and phone number. “Will he be answering at this number?” she asked sternly, as though I had taken a semen sample from him without his knowledge, to have it tested, and planned to keep the results from him. “Yes,” I said. And got the hell out of there. Several hours later, the doctor – or a nurse, I don’t know which – called and told Fred that he was all clear. No sperms flailing about, apparently. Let the HOT MONKEY SEX begin! Oh, and I started my period last Wednesday, so (HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF) no baby. Sorry, Bonnie!

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Brudderly love. Poor Tommy. He lays in this bed, sound asleep, and Sugarbutt comes up and plops down right on top of him. Hallelujah for the belly rub!
All of today’s uploaded pictures are here.
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Previously 2005: I can tell you this – I’m not terribly fond of my mailman right now. 2004: No entry. 2003: No entry. 2002: Not bad, since it’s been ten years or so since I read the play, eh? 2001: Resolutions for 2001. 2000: Well, apparently “coke” sounded like “coffee” to the Einstein taking my order. ]]>

24 thoughts on “2/22/06”

  2. Robyn,
    I had baby #3 a 18 months after my ex’s vasectomy. He never bothered to have it checked either, and was still shooting 50% of those puppies (spermies?)! The 3 days we waited for the results were hell, he was a real B@$tard and our marriage was never the same. On the up side, my “oopsie” is 18 years old and has been a real joy!

  4. Hee. That’s a funny story.
    My mom works for a urologist, and it was her job to call everyone and confirm their vascetomies. Weeeeell, one day she called a guy, and he was like, “I have NO idea what you are talking about!” and apparently his wife had scheduled it!
    Maybe that’s why she was being stern with you. Apparently women do stuff like that!

  5. Hey Robyn,
    Two questions – and you’ve probably already answered one of them-or both and I just missed em. Do you still do the pet store kitties? And how did the softpaws work out? I noticed SB and TC weren’t wearing them today. And congrats on your red dot day. You just make my day with your tales……

  6. Ohmigod— didn’t you say that the Spud reads this? She must be horrified!!! ha ha!!!! Maybe you should put a little warning disclaimer at the beginning of the entry for her. 🙂

  7. Clearly you do not have enough cat furniture in every single room of your house if poor Tommy is forced to share his bed with The Sug. I’m not sure why you bother having any people furniture at all. If you really loved them all, it would be all cat furniture.

  9. LJ: I haven’t done the pet store kitties since I had surgery, because I’m not supposed to be lifting anything for a month. I start again the first Monday in March, and I’m REALLY looking forward to it!
    Dawn: Good idea! Heh.
    Shelly: Oh, there was another, completely empty cat bed on the other side of the room. Sug just wanted some Tommy love!

  10. Apparently this is pretty common…and I thought I was special! I am living proof of what happens when you forget to take in your “sample”. My parents named me Joy. I still haven’t figured out if that’s because they were genuinely happy or if they had a major guilt trip for being so devastated upon hearing the news of my impending arrival. :-p

  14. What, no warning for Tracy? You know your OLDER BROTHER reads this and he thinks you’re a virgin.

  16. OMG Best.Post.EVAH.
    For a minute there I was SO thinking that a lil child with a bright and sunny happy face was brewing in your works. And then I was chortling at the thought of you in the Dr’s office fetching a CUP and then delivering a warmly-filled receptacle — Fred definitely had a good Monday morning 😉
    And to finally see that indeed the universe had NOT tilted on its axis and all was right in the And3rson world. And the kitty snaps.
    I so love reading your journal!

  18. No fair! Tommy lets you rub his tummy without attacking you with his back claws.
    Also, I too was wondering how the soft paws were working out.

  19. I have tears running down my face from the “HEY EVERYBODY” bit. OMG. Poor Fred. Or, you know, happy Fred, whatever. Heeeeeeheeheehee.

  20. Ha ha ha ha ha! I sure hope the Spud took your advise. I can envision her running from the room with her eyes covered screaming la la la I don’t hear anything!
    So Robyn, when will you be buying a bigger bed for the boys? I’m sure if you cleaned your desk off really good, you’d have room for a much larger bed! I loved that picture. I wish my guys would cuddle. I will come home and all 3 are on the bed, but there is a minimum of 6 inches between them. Most times, it’s a foot!

  22. Hmmph. Same issue here. Hubby too embarassed to take in a sample. I really think men should be pregnant and give birth. THEN and only then will they know the true humiliation that lurks out there!

  23. Hey, Robyn. Thought this was a good place to acknowledge a kitty life well lived. Jessie and Sandy are having to put their senior kitty, Tigger down tonight. He was a good kitty and I am sure he will be Tubby’s friend in kitty heaven.
    *sniff*

  24. Sex is a damn strange topic to try and discuss openly. You’re supposed to know all about it, master the complexities, understand the mysteries and be capable of delivering the goods but doggone it, whatever you do, don’t talk about it!
    Glad yall got yer hot monkeys back in working order… nothing worse than a cold monkey on a rainy day, ya know?
    Cute blog.

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