The Catpranos.
Starring:
Sugar “Big Boss Sweet Ass” J. Buttocks
Stanley “Booger Eyes” J. Boogerton
Thomas “Black Pussy” J. Cullen
and
Joseph “Smilin’ Joe” J. Robert
When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
You got yourself a gun……
“Smilin’ Joe.”
“Boss! What brings you around these parts?”
“That you even have the temerity to ask, Smilin’ Joe. That gets me so upset I can’t even look at you. It ANGERS me, Joe.”
“Boss?”
“You think word doesn’t get AROUND? You think I don’t KNOW what you’ve been doing?”
“Uh…”
“You think it’s a GOOD sign that I bring Black Pussy and Booger Eyes with me? You think this is a GOOD TIME CHAT? Are we chatting it up here, Joe? You want me to fetch you a cup of catnip? Can I be of SERVICE to you, you fucking assface?”
“Sure! Uh, I mean…”
“You think I don’t look at your stupid smilin’ face and want to smack it clear to the very back of the back forty? You think Black Pussy and Booger Eyes are back there looking around for their HEALTH? You messed up, Smilin’ Joe. You messed up BIG.”
“I…”
“It just makes me so angry, Joe. That you’d act like this when I thought we were FAMILY. After all I’ve done for you, that you’d do this, it breaks my heart and makes me want to break your face. You get me?”
“Um…”
“You see this scar on my arm? You think I got this scar from rolling over and taking it from losers like you? You think just ’cause I got these pink and purple nails I’m some BITCH you can FUCK and then just walk away? I EARNED this scar, these nails. I earned them with HARD work and loyalty and NOT sitting around grinning like a fucking lunatic.”
“You think you move in a vacuum? You think you do shit and people don’t come running to tell me? You think I have NO power in this yard?”
“Boss, I….”
“I can’t even look at you, Joe. You make me sick.”
“LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M REFUSING TO LOOK AT YOU, YOU GRINNING MORONIC MOTHERFUCKER!”
“Are you HEARING me, Joe? You understand what I’m saying to you?”
“Not so much, Boss…”
“You think you can get away with the middle-of-the-night caterwauling, the stalking Black Pussy’s girl – SHE BELONGS TO HIM, JOE – the spraying the bed where I like to lay my weary head, the disappearing and not letting the Big Lady know where you are? You think it’s okay to make her worry and piss her off? You think you can do these things and not pay the price? Booger Eyes, you take care of this. I can’t even be near this douchebag any more.”
“Boogsie, what’d I do?”
“You pissed him OFF, Joe. Did you not understand that very basic fact of life? You pissed him off, and if I were you, I’d pack my collar and cat bed and find a friendlier place to be.”
“Booger Eyes, you ever think of taking care of Big Boss Sweet Ass and taking over yourself? I’m just wondering.”
“That’s not even funny, Joe. Don’t joke about that sort of thing. You scram before I get back or I’m going to have to make you gone. I’m feeling generous today, Joe, so I’m going to give you half an hour. You’re a blithering idiot, but you need to do what’s smart for once.”
“I hear you, Boogie. I appreciate that.”
Watching Booger Eyes and Black Pussy make themselves scarce, Smilin’ Joe wonders just how stu-
So sleepy.
Zoe, making sure River is cleaning.
Sisterly love.
Previously
2007: I can’t speak for Fred, but I know I was thinking “Jesusgodalmighty, I hope that scar on his head doesn’t pop out and his brain doesn’t come sproinging at me, because then I’d have to bat it like a volleyball and I never was very good at volleyball.”
2006: No entry.
2005: Off to Maine!
2004: No entry.
2003: “That is a child who does not fear her parents nearly enough.”
2002: It’s a Poo! Inna box! A Poo inna box! What more could you possibly hope for?
2001: No entry.
2000: No entry.