Month: August 2007

yelling “Who want a postcard?! WHOOOOOOOOOOO want a postcard?!”, because that’s what I think of every time I type “Who wants a post card?!?!”

* * * Last night I read for a little while after Fred went to bed, and then I turned out the light and snuggled with Miz Poo for a little while. I was about to drop off to sleep when I heard my cell phone ringing from the computer room. I thought about getting up to run for the phone, but I was sleepy. The only one who would call me that late at night would be the spud, and if it was an emergency, she knows the home phone number and could call me on it. I was again just about to drop off several minutes later, when I heard the chimes that indicated either a text message or a voicemail. Since the sound had jolted me awake, I decided I’d get up and pee, then check my phone to see what was going on. I expected that it was a text message from the spud, who’d decided she wanted to tell me something, but it wasn’t important enough to wake me up. I got up, shuffled to the bathroom, then went into the computer room and grabbed my phone. To my surprise, it indicated that I had a voicemail, so I called to listen to it. Now, I haven’t been drunk in perhaps 13 or 14 years (the very last time I was drunk, I was living with my sister on Goddard Street, I’d had a fight with Liz the night before she left for boot camp, and Debbie and I visited her friends who lived out in the country, and I got SHITFACED (the spud and her cousin were spending the night at their grandparents’ house)). But I remember very clearly that shitfaced feeling, when everything that’s going on around you fades into a white noise with the occasional word chiseling through into your brain, so that the next morning you wake up and think “Did someone say something about fuzzy trees? What the fuck?” That’s exactly what listening to this voicemail message was like – a white noise of various sounds, with the occasional word breaking through. I listened for at least two minutes and the only clear thing I got out of the message was someone saying “Red velvet. Red velvet!” I hypothesize that someone was in a bar or at a party, tried calling a friend, and didn’t realize they hadn’t hung up the phone. I sat and listened, but after two minutes it was starting to mess with my head – I was beginning to feel a little spaced-out – so I deleted the message and hung up. Then I checked to see the number that had called, did a reverse lookup to see who it was (someone in Alabama, but it’s either a cell phone number or unlisted), and then went to bed. I should totally post the number here so y’all could call it, yell “Red velvet. Red velvet!” and hang up. I should, but I won’t. (I’m no fun.) I think we all know that if my life were a movie or a book, this would only be the beginning. This morning the cops would have shown up bright and early and asked me what my connection to Howie LeBlanc was, how I knew him, and “Lady. Don’t LIE to us. We’ve had enough of the bullshit. You had a five minute conversation with him!” and my “No I didn’t! It must have been a wrong number! I only had a voicemail!” protestations would have been met with “I think not. Who leaves a five minute voicemail for someone they don’t know? And how is it that fifteen minutes later someone shot Mr. LeBlanc in the head and no one saw anything? The last thing he did, apparently, was talk to YOU on the phone!”, and they’d drag me off to jail. I would have used my wiles and intelligence – but more likely, pure dumb luck – to escape from jail, pursued by a cop-gone-bad, intent on getting me alone to find out just WHAT secrets Howie LeBlanc told me during that five-minute conversation, and that cop-gone-bad (but secretly only PRETENDING to have gone bad, he’s undercover, see? He’s really a good guy!) WOULD NOT REST until I spill the truth. (And if the cop looks like Neal McDonough and has to take his shirt off or something, well, that’d be okay with me!) (It’s okay, he’s on my list. And my list is laminated!) Then, after my manymanymany protestations of innocence, of not knowing Howie LeBlanc, I SWEAR IT, OFFICER, riiiiiight as the fuzz was on the verge of believing me, he’d stumble across some small piece of information – probably imparted by Fred, who cannot tell a lie – that blew my story WIDE OPEN and it’d come out that Howie LeBlanc was in reality my half-brother – my father’s son with a stripper, shhhhh, don’t tell Mom! – and he was taking money from me, threatening to tell my mother about his existence, and I was giving him hush money so she’d never have to find out. And the code phrase for “Give me more money, bitch”, can you guess it? “Red velvet. Red velvet!”, of course. Mister Boogers and I would have to go on the lam until we could prove that Miz Poo did it! In the library! With the candlestick!, but all would end well and I’d be back at Crooked Acres bitching about having to do the dishes before you knew it. * * * I guess it’s a good thing Fred and I have separate rooms – ’cause there ain’t no way two people and all these cats (usually Sugarbutt comes up and sleeps next to me for part of the night, too) would fit on one queen-sized bed. * * * Previously 2006: Ooooh, my blood pressure is rising just thinking about it. 2005: the line “I ate 212 almonds last night really fast and then puked them back so they were still kinda whole. I just washed them off and ate ‘em again. I’ve seen dogs do it.” made Fred shoot applesauce out his nose. 2004: No entry. 2003: “Hey, little kitty!” I said excitedly, as I am prone to dorkdom. 2002: No entry. 2001: No entry. 2000: I will.]]>

* * * Did I mention that with the first three eggs that were laid (lain?) by our chickens, I made Fred an egg sandwich? He declared that the eggs were not, in fact, “too eggy”. Actually, he said they were the best eggs he’d ever had. Sunday morning he found an egg and told me I could have it. (I know the days are coming when we’ll be saying “You need to eat more eggs! We’ve got too damn many of them!” to each other, but those days aren’t here yet.) I scrambled it with a little salt and pepper, and I have to agree with him – that was one damn fine egg. I’m looking forward to eating more of them!

* * * I’ve made so many goddamn pickles lately that I’m not sure I need to see another cucumber for two years. And yet Fred keeps on bringing those bastards in. Not only does he bring them in, he put forth the idea that since they grow so quickly he could plant a second batch (since the current cucumber plants are infested with vine borers), and apparently my brain was on vacation, because I was all “Okay!” NOT OKAY. After making yet another batch of dill pickles over the weekend, I said to him “Did you actually plant another row of cucumbers yet?” and he said “Yeah, I did. Why?” and I said “Except for pickles, I do not even LIKE cucumbers, why the fuck are we even growing them?” and he said some bullshit about “learning to like” cucumbers, but I bet if I convinced him that cucumbers give me horrid gas, he’d be out there ripping those fuckers up in a heartbeat. Just because we CAN grow something doesn’t mean we SHOULD. I’m going to cross-stitch that and hang it in the (not yet built) garden shed to remind us of that little fact next year. (I still haven’t given the order to rip up the cucumbers, though. It seems so WASTEFUL.) * * * I am sad to report that Gilligan and Spanky were still at the pet store yesterday morning. Not only that, as soon as I walked through the door, they both zipped into the litter box and hid there. I sweet-talked them, I let them sniff my fingers, I tried petting them, and nothin’. They don’t remember me and they don’t want anything to do with me. The only time they showed any sign of anything other than abject fear was when Jack Frost (who still hasn’t been adopted) wandered by their cage. Spanky ran over to the bars and looked lovingly at Jack Frost (these kittens, I’m tellin’ ya, they really love the grown-up cats), but when I went over to open the door to the cage, Spanky zipped back into the litter box. Probably a good thing; Jack Frost has no use for little kittens. Or any other cats at all, really. I’m going back to the pet store on Wednesday, covering for the Wednesday evening cleaners (who are on vacation); I’m hoping that they’ve been adopted before then by some soft-hearted sucker cat lover. Maryanne – or “Little Miss”, as Fred calls her – pretty much has the run of the house these days. We put her in the foster kitten room at night, then Fred lets her out when he gets up at the crack of dawn, and she stays out all day. She’s a quiet thing, and every once in a while I have to go looking for her just to make sure she wasn’t “accidentally” killed by one of the big cats. She prefers to spend her time upstairs, sometimes on the cat tree in the foster room, sometimes on Fred’s bed, sometimes just hanging out on the stairs. * * * It always starts out sweetly with these two, usually a grooming love session in the kitchen. ::licka::licka::licka:: (It totally looks like Sugarbutt is nursing, here. He’s not. I swear it! It’s all innocent grooming. Apparently Tommy is a dirty, dirty boy.) And it always degenerates into kicking and biting and yowling in about ten seconds flat. Brudderly love. Nothin’ like it. ]]>

Jane a happy birthday! (Happy birthday, Jane!!!!)

* * * The kids in this area are going back to school this week and next. After 11 years of living here (exactly 11 on the 13th, actually!), it still blows my mind that school starts so early. In fact, it started around the 20th the first year we lived here, and it’s gotten earlier and earlier every year. Just doesn’t seem right to send the kids back to school in the heat of August so they can swelter on the bus and then freeze in the air-conditioned school. (Then again, thank god for air conditioning. I can’t imagine how much school would suck if there were no air conditioning!) * * * Let the comment-answering begin! Who/What inspires you? Oh, man. No offense, but I hate questions like this, because I try and try to come up with something Deep and Meaningful, and end up with a big cartoon question mark over my head. I guess being in Maine inspires me – I always feel most creative when I’m there. A well-turned sentence inspires me, especially if it it’s surrounded by a lot of bland, blah sentences. Sometimes people inspire me, but I don’t know when or who I’ll be inspired by; it seems to be mostly random. What animal do you think is your spirit guide/totem? Why? I had to look and see what a spirit guide is, and found this definition: Nonphysical souls who support our growth, help us complete our life tasks, and in general provide the spiritual assistance we need. Often we are spirit guides to others when we are not incarnate. And of course I want to say that the cat is my spirit guide, but if I have a spirit guide, I sure don’t know about it, so I’m going to have to go with: Fuck if I know. Also, What is your most FAVORITE recipe in the world? My favorite recipe to make would probably have to be reservations (har har HAR), because I seriously do not care for cooking at all. My favorite recipe to eat would be… burgers from the grill, with ketchup and a nice crisp slice of onion and tomato, warm from the sun. Not very exciting, huh? * * * Is that chicken poop on the front of Fred’s shirt in pics 3 and 4? YUCK! Nope – it’s paint. * * * Holy crap in that third picture it looks like Fred is waiting for the chicken to give him a high-five. THAT needs to be in a banner post haste! He was actually protecting his eyes, because he was afraid the chicken was going to peck at them and he’s partial to his eyeballs. * * * Speaking of The Two Coreys’ reality TV show – have you seen the new “Scott Baio – I’m 45 and Never Been Married Show?” It is a complete train wreck where he hires a life counelor to help him figure out why he messes up every relationship he has ever had. She makes him go back and meet with all these women to ask them what he did wrong. Turns out Joanie really did love Chachie. It’s really horrible but I can’t turn away! THAT is the show I keep meaning to set up the DVR to tape, and keep forgetting. I’ll have to set up to tape – Keith and the Girl were talking about it last week – and give it a try. I understand Scott Baio’s a bit of a douchebag. * * * What size shoe does Fred wear? The pic of him with the chicken on his back his foot looks huge. Just curious. He wears a size 12. wink-wink-nudge-nudge * * * How did you learn to create a web site? Self taught or did you take a class? I bought a WYSIWYG (What You See is What You Get) html editor called HoTMetaL Pro, fooled around with that for a while, whined at Fred, demanded that he help me out, and looked at a LOT of source code to see how that whole html thing works. It’s mostly self-taught, but if I ever run up against a roadblock, Fred will eventually help me out if I bitch at him enough. He installed WordPress on my sites, he moved the design up for me – basically anything that requires anything more difficult than FTPing something up, or hitting “publish”, he does for me. I think everyone needs a Fred to help them out (but I’m not offering my Fred – I keep him busy enough with my shit!). * * * We have 3 cats, and 2 dogs and recently moved into a house with hardwood floors throughout. I sweep every day, twice a day, and still there’s balls of fur fluff everywhere. I know my broom isn’t up to the task, but surely there must be the broom of all brooms out there just waiting for me to discover it. What do you use? I use my Dyson, at least every other day, and sometimes I use the Dyson, then follow that up with a run with the Swiffer Sweeper. It’s not a perfect solution, but it works well enough to keep my head from exploding. I’ve considered buying a Roomba, but I’m still on the fence about that. * * * Okay, question: I was wondering how much your cats shed and if you have to brush them constantly? We have only two cats and a very large house, and there’s always cats hair everywhere. I especially notice the white fur from our cat Buddy Squeak (who looks like Spanky’s twin–mostly white with some orange). Do you notice the white fur from Spanky and Spot all over the friggin place, too? Actually, Spot is our big shedder. Fred could brush him every day (though he really just waits ’til Spot gets all ratty looking, then breaks out the brush) and get a huge handful of hair every time. I have to vacuum the back of the couch (Spot’s favorite place to sleep) every other day, or I just can’t stand to look at it, there’s so much fur on it. Mostly, I vacuum every other day and on the “off” days I turn a blind eye to the cat hair. You’ve gotta, or it’ll drive you NUTS. * * * Do any of the other cats freak out when you take one to the vet? I took my younger cat to the vet last week. We were only gone for a half hour, but the older cat then hissed and growled at the younger for *a day and a half*. Not only is it annoying, but the younger one just gets this pitiful look of confusion and dejection, like “Whyfore do you hate me, big sis?”. Mister Boogers acts like the hugest asshole whenever one of his siblings comes back from the vet. He chases the poor victim around, sniffs wildly at him (or her), and then starts growling and hissing. It usually only lasts a couple of hours, but it’s annoying as hell and I usually have to yell at him to leave Sugarbutt (or whoever) alone. The other cats get interested when someone comes back from the vet, but Mister Boogers is the only one who acts like a jerk. I’m guessing they smell that “doctor’s office” smell on the cat who’s gone to the vet, and the smell doesn’t bring up happy memories for them! * * * Just wondering if Jack Frost is still at the shelter? As of yesterday, he was still at the pet store and hadn’t been adopted. * * * Just curious – when you have multiple fosters and not all can go off to be adopted at once, how do you pick who gets to go to the pet store and who stays behind with you? Usually they do all go together – if one of them stays behind, it’s always for a specific reason. Maryanne’s not going to the pet store with her brothers because I think she’s not ready; we need to give her more one-on-one attention to see if we can stop the hissing and growling, and maybe encourage some friendliness. When we have a mother cat and kittens, the kittens will often go to the pet store before the mother, because kittens get adopted faster, and we like to give the mother cat some down time before she goes off to sit in a cage. The only other time that I can think of that someone stayed behind is when Sugarbutt and his brother (who wasn’t Tommy) and their sister went to the pet store, but Tommy stayed behind because he was limping. (I still suspect that he’s too smart for his own good, and was faking that limp!) * * * Fred looks like he’s growing a mustache! Is he? Though I keep encouraging him to grow a ’70s porn-star mustache, Fred has thus far refused. He just doesn’t shave on the weekends, and his five o’clock shadow was showing in that picture. * * * I don’t know if you’ve answered this or not..but are your chickens purely for egg consumption, or will they also be gracing your table? I feel so guilty asking that. For the time being (assuming the damn things ever start producing eggs), they’ll just be for egg consumption. Eventually they’ll probably be dinner, or so I’m told. (Yesterday afternoon, Fred tried to tell me that he thought he’d have no problem killing a chicken. To which I’m saying: “Sh’yeah RIGHT.” He’s also talking about having a second flock, just for eating. We’ll see about that.) * * * Fred looks all hot and sweaty in his chicken pictures. Did he stink, too? Ha ha! I’m sure he “cleans” up well. I guess country living is good for both of you – keeps you so busy with country folk stuff. Just don’t get “too salty” on us. I do not believe Fred has ever been stinky a single moment in his life. The man is CLEAN – he showers in the morning and again in the evening after he’s been working outside. Sometimes he takes a shower in the middle of the day too cool off and prevent stinkiness. With all the showering, he’s going to get old-man skin, I tell him. But at least it’ll be CLEAN old-man skin! * * * OMG!!! We watched Zodiac on Friday night too and I had the EXACT same reaction. Pot bellies? Check. Chloe – what are you here for? Check. Nap-taking on the couch? Check. You missed one though. I could not understand half of the dialog. Did everyone talk in a mushmouth??? The only saving grace for me was that I got to see Dermot for a few glorious moments. I don’t remember having a problem understanding what people were saying, but then again, I did doze during the movie, so maybe they did and I just snoozed through it! * * * No comment about Fred practically picking his nose in the first Chicken Man photo? Come on, how could you waste a perfectly good opportunity to make fun of him? He was NOT picking his nose. He was. Um. I don’t know what he was doing, but I assure you, he knows better than to pick his nose when I have a camera in my hands! * * * By the way, why was he walking around with a chicken on his shoulder? Because he’s a freak. * * * About the squash casserole: I have a (probably stupid) question about the squash casserole. When I’m sauteeing summer squash, I leave the skin on, but I’m guessing you cut it off before boiling and mashing it for the casserole? Nope, I leave the skin on the squash before boiling and mashing it – the skin softens up just fine, and mashes along with the rest of the squash. Rest assured that if the squash had to be peeled first, I’d have never made that recipe in the first place; that’s too much effort. About that squash casserole — does a regular 9 x 13 inch dish work, or do you need one of those really big ones for that recipe? I use a 2 1/2-quart Pyrex dish for it, but Janet (hi, Janet!) reports that she uses a 9 x 13 dish, and it works just fine. * * * I just searched your site for “flea” and “fleas” and found nada. Lucky you! My boys (meow men) are 11 and 12 and I personally haven’t seen a flea in 19 years. This week I’ve seen… 30 – and hundreds of larvae (yuck). The cats go outside very rarely, like 4 or 5 times a year. I let them out last weekend, but now that I know what this is, I realize the fleas started 3-4 weeks ago. Before then they hadn’t gone out in almost 2 months. So, anyhoo, I tried to de-flea them without killing them (the cats, that is) – so now I still have fleas. Do you have any tips? From fosters, pet store, outside kitties? HELP! I’ve never had a flea issue – anyone who’s dealt with them, feel free to leave advice in the comments! * * * I am looking forward to your virtual house tour for the new house…when are you doing that? (I know it is a lot of work) Um… one of these days? It’s not that it’s a lot of work, really – probably it would only take a couple of hours – it’s that I have to be in the right mood to get it done. I’ll see if I can’t buckle down and get it slapped together in the next few weeks! * * * Have you tried a food mill for your tomatoes? It makes quick work of getting rid of the seeds and purees the chunks. I actually just received my food mill on Tuesday. I ran my tomato sauce through it, and it worked amazingly well – no seeds in the sauce, and the chunks are gone! I’m making more tomato sauce this weekend, so I’m looking forward to using it again. * * * Thanks for the chocolate chip cookie recipe, too! I hope it works well with Splenda. I’ve been substituting it for sugar (brown and white) in baking, and it usually works fine. Does Splenda give you digestive fits? I was wondering if you had any trouble with it after your WLS. I’ve never made the cookies with Splenda – if anyone does, let me know how it works out! I have no problems with Splenda at all. In fact, as long as I don’t eat too much of it, I’m okay with sugar. Corn syrup, on the other hand, makes me really gassy and sick. Bleh. * * * I want to know How do you get such cute pictures of the cats, do you lay hanging down from the picnic table? The close-up pictures of the cats – especially the outside pictures – I take by bending over, holding out the camera, and snapping the picture. Most of the time I don’t even bother to look at the preview screen on the camera before I snap it, and I’m often surprised by the pictures I get. (And I still delete about three for every one picture I keep, so you can imagine how many crappy ones I get with this super-duper photographic technique!) * * * Robyn, I was reading your post on my cell phone this morning (it works pretty well!) and I misread your header about the “Frank and explicit discussion of menstrual cycles…” I thought it was a link to “Fred’s explicit discussion of menstrual cycles.” In fact, I came back to your page tonight so I could click over to read what Fred had to say. Imagine my disappointment when I found out that Fred wrote about something else! (Or embarrassment.) Conclusion, reading your blog posts on my smart phone = cool, but not as accurate. Is Fred going to have an explicit discussion of menstrual cycles? Not only will Fred not have an explicit discussion of menstrual cycles, he prefers to never think about anything to do with menstruation at all. I can guarantee that he read your question, and his eyes hit the words “menstrual cycle”, and he skipped to the next question. I should totally say something about him in this paragraph, because I know he’ll never read it. Oh, the secrets I could reveal, and he’d never know… * * * Ok, I love my diva cup, but there is no way in hell I will wear the pin that comes with it. I mean would you wear an OB pin?? I think not. I think the diva pin is cute – but yeah, I’m not going to be utilizing it as a fashion accessory. Some one would either think I was calling myself a diva, or they’d ask me about it, and I’d end up standing in the middle of Target trying to explain it to a complete stranger. I prefer discussing my menstrual tools to complete strangers on the internet, not IN PERSON, thank you. * * * I’ve been going back and forth with the idea of a Diva Cup for a while, and I just can’t decide. Can it be used overnight? I don’t like to wear pads ever, so that would be very important in my decision making… It can absolutely be worn overnight – and I share your hatred of pads, so being able to wear the Diva Cup overnight without worrying about leakage is AWESOME. * * * Good morning Robyn, have you tried WALKIE-TALKIES? I understand they are great. Actually, cell phones would work better, but Fred only carries his around with him sporadically when he’s working outside, and I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to tell him something vitally important and called his cell phone, only to hear it ringing from the computer room. I should take a moment to point out that I’ve lately perfected my “Hey!”, so that I can step out onto the back steps, say “Hey!” with the right volume and pitch, and if he’s anywhere but in the back forty, he’ll hear me and come to find out what I want (I don’t abuse my “Hey!”, though – it’s usually just to tell him that dinner’s ready. I think we need a dinner bell. Would that be goofy?) * * * Is it possible you and Fred have hearing loss from noise? Lawnmower, chainsaw, tractor and so on? I can’t recall if you ever mentioned wearing noise reduction type things. We both use hearing protection when we’re working with the loud stuff. Fred, in fact, has these big dorky (um, SEXY! I mean they’re SEXY, baby!) headphones that he wears when he’s on the tractor or riding lawnmower. * * * That last photo of Spanky (awesome!!)-there seems to be an octopus or a hand on the bed slat…what is that??? Your question gave me the creeps, so I had to go back and look. It’s a hair clip! The spud liked to keep hair clips in handy locations for hairclipping emergencies. * * * I think you should keep the doll bed for the cats and as a keepsake! Maybe Spud’s daughter can play with it one day! Oh, I’m definitely keeping the doll bed – my parents made that bed, I’m certainly not going to get rid of it! If the cats continue to use it, I’ll have to make a little bitty quilt to go on it, though – I wouldn’t want the quilt my mother made to get all cat-hairy! * * * couldn’t you have sent your laptop back? Had we realized in time that there was an unfixable issue with the wireless networking stuff, maybe. But we (I) waited so long to start fiddling around with the computer, that we blew through the 30 days we had. At this point, I’m probably going to sell the damn thing on eBay and buy a damn Dell, since so many of you had good things to say about the Dells. Those of you with Dell laptops – tell me what you have and why you love ’em. * * * 1. You don’t post entries on the weekend. Do you stay off the computer for the entire weekend? How much time per day would you say you spend on the computer, now that you are busy with Crooked Acres? No, I don’t remember the last time I stayed off the computer for an entire day (though I often say I’m going to just turn it off for an entire day – it’s such a time suck, I could probably get twice as much done during the day if I wasn’t running to check my email or do some journal-reading). On an average day, depending on what I’ve got going on that day, I spend around two hours, solidly, on the computer in the morning writing my entry for the day, reading email, checking on the journals I read (something I remain woefully behind on), and surfing. Once my entry’s uploaded, I tend to go off and do whatever needs to be done around the house, and come back to the computer occasionally to check email or look something up. That probably adds another hour, total, to my computer time for the day. 2. What do you and Fred weigh now? I have a weight-loss website where I talk about all that (OneFatBitchypoo). I don’t know how much Fred weighs, but I’m sure if I said “Tell me how much you weigh. Someone asked!”, he’d indicate his weight with one middle finger. Two, if he was feeling froggy. 3. Have you ever checked out the “lifecams” on justin.tv? and would you ever think of wearing one yourself around Crooked Acres? I’d never heard of justin.tv, but according to the site, The live video player streams live content produced from any combination of a camera, computer, and Internet connection. Justin.tv’s technology allows a connection to be established whether Justin is on the go, in a static location, or Lifecasting from a combination of both. Watch the live video player to see Justin’s life broadcasting 24/7. I can’t imagine ever being interested in doing that, and I can’t imagine anyone wanting to watch it – my life’s not that interesting. 4. What veggie will you NOT grow next year that you did this year and why. Every vegetable we’ve grown, I want to grow again next year. I don’t want to grow quite as MUCH of some stuff (less pattypan squash, for one), but so far I’ve liked everything! Oh no, wait – we did try to grow onions, and they didn’t really work out for us. Like Fred said, there are some things that are just too much work to grow, given the cost of buying them in the store. Onions are a pain to grow (you only get one onion from each plant!), and they’re inexpensive in the store, so I don’t think we’ll be growing any of those. 5. What do you think of Star Jones and all the hoopla about how she lost her weight? Star Jones annoys me, but I think if she wants to discuss how she lost the weight (has she said? I know a lot of people are insisting it was weight loss surgery), she should. And if she doesn’t, she shouldn’t – but she also shouldn’t be surprised that people want to KNOW and ask her every time she turns around, because she’s a public figure – sort of – and when you lose that much weight, people are going to want to know the secret. 6. You guys do an awful lot, where do you get all your energy???! Fred likes meth, but I prefer the crack cocaine. * * * My sister was COMPLETELY turned off by Saving Grace because she prefers her TV Preaching type shows without the cussing and gettin’ nekkid. Guess she was expecting something more like Touched By An Angel – she ended up with REALLY Touched By An Angel and got all offended. I thought it was -eh- but I might keep with it for awhile. Somewhere – I don’t remember where – someone referred to Saving Grace (before it aired) as “Touched by a Cranky Angel”, and of COURSE I repeated that to Fred, and now every time he sees a commercial for it, he laughs and says “Touched by a Cranky Angel! Ha!” * * * I noticed that in yesterday’s post you mentioned Corey Feldman acts like he has a “HUH-YOOG” stick up his a**… did you pick that up from Stephen King’s Lisey’s Story? Because I’ve been reading it and there’s a lot of “smucking” and “puffickly huh-yoog” scattered all over the book. I don’t know why, but it annoys me. Did you read it? Did you like it? I have Blaze waiting for me, but I’m making myself finish Lisey’s Story before I get to it. I don’t think I picked that up from Lisey, but yes – I did read it. And yes, the “smucking” and “puffickly huh-yoog” sort of stuff did annoy the everloving shit out of me. I find that sort of thing a little too cutesy and I think it was overused in the book. That said, I did like the book, but I’d have to say I liked Blaze more. A LOT more, now that I think about it. * * * Did I miss any of your questions? I got sidetracked when I was cutting and pasting questions, so if I missed any, re-ask them and I’ll get to them next week, promise! * * * A luna moth fluttered into the back yard. Fred tried to pick it up and move it out of the reach of the chickens, but it freaked out, and he couldn’t keep hold of it. He finally left it alone, and after a few tentative pecks at it, the chickens left it alone, too. * * * (Why, yes. Someone DID figure out that text thing in Paint Shop Pro!) * * * Previously 2006: I’m sorry, but my Aunt Fanny am I a size 40C. 2005: I suspect people as beautiful as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have to be a little bit nuts, anyway. 2004: WONDERFUL. 2003: No entry. 2002: No entry. 2001: A Day in the Life of a Bitchypoo. 2000: Maine recap.]]>

new logo! This was created by the wonderful Aly, who can always be counted on for a good logo! Thanks, Aly. As usual, you rock!

* * * We watched Zodiac last Friday night, and let me tell you what – that movie ties for LONGEST GODDAMN MOVIE and LEAST SATISFYING ENDING EVER. Also, LEAST AMOUNT OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT EVER PRESENT IN A MOVIE took honorable mention. At one point, I lifted up my head (I’d briefly fallen asleep out of self-defense, since my brain could no longer handle the boredom), certain that I’d slept through the night and yet the movie was STILL GOING, and I said “Is it still Friday?” And why did they even bother with the Chloe Sevigny character? Was the character description “Woman who Jake Gyllenhaal marries and then who leaves him so that we can see how all-consuming this case was and how it ROONT HIS LIFE and also he managed to restrain himself from SMACKING the woman with Hollywood’s MOST SMACKABLE FACE (lifetime award of smackability cannot be confirmed, but lives in my heart)”? Was there a single white man in all of Hollywood NOT in this movie? And is there a reason every one of them needed to be padded up? They had IDENTICAL potbelly guts, every one of them. Did the Zodiac Killer curse them with doughy bodies, was that the unspoken conspiracy? I know (YUH-AWN) this was based on real life and in real life, there are not nice, neat endings, but hey! Goddamn newsflash! If I was interested in real life, would I be sitting on my ass watching a MOVIE? I think NOT. If I was interested in real life, I’d be sitting on my ass in front of the computer scaring up a trainwreck-type blog and shaking my head in smug disbelief. Luckily, we watched Thank You for Smoking the next night, to wash the SUCK out of our brains, and it was pretty amusing, though the part played by Katie “Mrs. Tom Crazy” Holmes was pretty throwaway. “I feel like we could have written this movie,” I said to Fred, and he agreed. We love us a good satire. And Sunday night, just because we didn’t have anything recorded that we particularly wanted to watch, we watched The Shawshank Redemption, and the part where Brooks gets out of prison and the part where Andy escapes and the part where Red gets out of prison and sees that the world has raced by while his world stood still in prison, those three parts of the movie break my heart COMPLETELY every single time. I’m tearing up, just thinking of how lonely watching Brooks bag groceries and wished he was back in prison with his friends made me feel. Goddamn I love that movie. And while we’re (I am, anyway) going on about watching things, I have watched Saving Grace and Damages, and am uncertain whether I like them enough to make them a regular part of my schedule. I love me some Holly Hunter, but is there any facet of that character’s life that isn’t completely fucked up? (Also: WHOO! Lem, we missed you!). It threatens to venture into unintentional satire. I liked Damages and I like Glen Close as a badass, but that girl who plays the new attorney? When Glen Close says something about “There’s always something going on in there”, I laughed. Because the only thing that appears to me going on in that girl’s head is a great big white-noise hum. I’m more likely to continue watching Damages than Saving Grace, but I’m going to give both shows a couple more episodes each before I decide. Annnnd rounding out the TV report, Army Wives is still a show I’m liking, though it very well might be due to Roxy and no one else on that show. Major Frank Sherwood is a pompous, dictating asshead and when he was babbling on about how he needed Denise to be there for him and help him out, I yelled “OH! You mean like she was there for the 18 years of raising your son, so you could run him off?” Fucker. And how about that condescending “You were alive and vital! You saved her life!” speech? I wanted her to say “Oh. Did you imagine I was standing around with my thumb up my ass, you smug self-centered motherfucker?” But I do love the show. Check it out! (I find the name “Claudia Joy” to be irritating beyond belief, though. And could there be any less chemistry between Claudia Joy and Michael? I really want to LIKE Kim Delaney, but I can’t seem to do so. ) Lastly, we watched The Two Coreys the other night (you just shut your face). I always have to stop for a moment to remember which is Haim (slack-jawed, weird-looking eyes) and which is Feldman (face that begs a good hard smack; squinty eyes, mean mouth). However, after viewing the first and second episodes of this fine quality entertainment I tell you what: there’s a HUGE difference between the two. Feldman is smug and self-important, has a HUH-YOOG stick up his ass, and is married to the most annoying and whiny stick-up-her-ass yet apparently naive and simple-minded woman, and I am PRAYING that they get divorced and FAST because their double helping of self-importance sucks all the oxygen out of the room. Haim absolutely makes you feel sorry for him, because he’s made some stupid fucking choices in the past (and still seems to be making plenty), but he’s likable and he just wants to get laid and get some damn work. There’s no doubt in my mind that this show is contrived and at least partially scripted, but Feldman is as wooden as a dime store Indian, and Haim actually makes you believe the show might NOT be scripted at all. The lines sound natural and he acts like you imagine he acts whether there are cameras running or not. Not a bad show to waste an evening; we liked it, and did I mention you just shut your face? * * * Goddamn, I watch way too much TV. * * * You know? Sometimes… I just. I just don’t know. The Chicken Man of Smallville demonstrates his special talent. * * * It don’t get much happier than that. * * * Previously 2006: No entry. 2005: Debbie: “Oh, right. I used to boil Brian’s nipples when he was a baby.” 2004: You don’t act like THAT and then get to swan around all WOUNDED when no one wants to play with you. Fuck that. 2003: No entry. 2002: GODDAMN IT, WOMAN, MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND. DO I GET RID OF EVERYTHING OR DO I NOT? 2001: Excuse me, he’s known about this closing for well over a month and still can’t manage to be on time? How self-important can you be? 2000: Fucking every time I drive through Pennsylvania it fucking pours down rain. ]]>