Nance and Rick were coming to visit. They showed up, and Fred was thrilled to see them, because he wanted to play 10,000 games of Catch Phrase.
But then he discovered that they’d stopped overnight in Idaho on the way to Alabama (because Idaho is very clearly on the way when one drives from Pennsylvania to Alabama, of course), and they’d stayed at the Shalom in the Home trailer park. Fred was PISSED because he’d been harboring a secret yen to stay in the Shalom in the Home trailer park, and he stomped off to sulk, thus making Nance and Rick uncomfortable and not in the mood to play Catch Phrase.
(I do not know whether there’s truly a Shalom in the Home trailer park in Idaho, though my guess would be that there’s not (I’ve only ever heard of the TV show, though I’ve never watched it.) I don’t know, either, why Nance and Rick would stay in the Shalom in the Home trailer park when there are so many crack den motels to stay in, but it’s not my place to judge.)
* * *
Stolen from
Nance:
Here are 50 questions for the people who are a little more “mature”…
1. What bill do you hate paying the most? All three mortgages. Luckily, I just paid my last round of three mortgages – we close on the old house at the end of the month, thus paying off the mortgage on that house, and ending up with enough money to pay off the second mortgage on this one.
2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? We don’t really do romantic dinners.
3. Last time you puked from drinking? Fifteen years ago, maybe. I had a fight with Liz on the night before she was leaving to join the Navy, and Debbie and I went to her friend’s house and I drank until I was shitfaced. I don’t think I’ve had more than one or two drinks at a time since, and haven’t had anything alcoholic at all since way before I had weight loss surgery in January of 2006. Can’t say as I miss it at all.
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? I’ve never danced on a bar.
5. Name of your first grade teacher? Mrs. Radecki, maybe?
6. What do you really want to be doing right now? Laying in bed reading, then taking a nap. Then reading some more, then more napping. Then lunch served by a half-naked man. Then more napping. Anything but preparing to go to the old house to spend the day cleaning, which I’m about to do.
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? For a while, a veterinarian. Then, an orthopedic surgeon. Then I didn’t know, and I still don’t.
8. How many colleges did you attend? Two – New Hampshire College (on the base in Brunswick, Maine) and the University of Southern Maine. Graduated from neither.
9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? It’s my nightgown, and I chose it because it’s clean.
10. GAS PRICES??? Suck.
11. Where would you move if you could move anywhere? If it was just me, the coast of Maine. But I know I’ll never convince Fred to move that far north, so I’m going to say the Gulf coast.
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? “Fuck. Already?”
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? “Don’t forget the vacuum. And the cleaning rags. And a radio!”
14. Favorite style of underwear? Comfortable ones.
Barely There, I think?
15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex? Boxer briefs. That’s really boring, isn’t it?
16. What errand/chore do you despise? Putting dishes away. I’ll wash the damn things ’til the cows come home, but I LOATHE putting them away.
17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer? I don’t, and I do.
18. Get up early or sleep in? Sleep in, if it didn’t make me feel so guilty.
19. What is your favorite cartoon character? Cartman! (Or Bugs Bunny)
20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl/guy? Watch TV and snuggle.
21. Have you found real love yet? Indeed.
22. When did you first start feeling old? I’ll let you know when it happens.
23. Favorite 80’s movie? Xanadu. Or She’s Having My Baby.
24. Your favorite lunch meat? Ham.
25. What do you get every time you shop at Sam’s club. Bottled water, paper towels, Trident White Wintergreen.
26. Beach or lake? Beach.
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? I think anyone who wants to get married should be able to, and no one should be bullied into it if they don’t want it.
29. Favorite guilty pleasure? Laying in bed and reading. (I only feel guilty when it’s morning time and I’m putting off things that need to be done.)
30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about? I have no shame – I admitted to Xanadu being one of my favorite movies, after all.
31. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink? The kind with no alcohol in it.
32. Cowboys or Indians? I don’t know – depends on the Cowboy, depends on the Indian. Are they naked?
33. Cops or Robbers? Cops; the badass ones like Vic Mackey. (Only, not really. I’m a sucker for a goody two-shoes,
Detective Wagenbach.)
34. Who from high school would you like to run into? I’d like to run into my then-best friend Tammie and see what she’s up to these days.
35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? 103.9, which isn’t a radio station – it’s tuned there so I can listen to
Keith and the Girl on my iPod with the help of my
Griffin iTrip.
36. Movies or Documentaries? Depends on the movie or documentary.
37. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? The Simpsons, I think. Though I did like me some Cosby back in the day.
38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? If I changed any relationship mistakes I made, it’d be like removing a stick from the carefully constructed (or carelessly tossed-together, take your pick) tower that is my life, and I might find that changing one little thing means I end up a single Peace Corps volunteer in the wilds of Rwanda being torn apart by wild monkeys rather than cooling my heels in the comfort of a home I love. I think I’d change nothing, thanks.
39. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work? I don’t work, but I’m sure I’d hate the bitch if I did.
40. If you could get away with it, who would you kill? No one – the guilt would eat me alive.
41. What famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with? Oh, I don’t know. Sandra Oh or Kate Walsh or Chandra Wilson, maybe.
42. What famous person would you like to sleep with? None of them. I’m sure I couldn’t handle the disappointment.
43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? No, thank god.
44. Last book you read for real? Last book finished:
Jericho Point. Meg Gardiner fucking ROCKS. Currently reading:
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult.
45. Do you have a teddy bear? I do. You press his paw, he croons “I loooooove chocolate!”
46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? I’ve pretty much stuck to brushing my teeth in bathrooms, never anywhere strange. (I’m struck with the urge to say “In the butt, Bob!”, though.)
47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go? San Francisco.
48. Do you go to church? Nope.
49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationships? Uh… neither?
50. Just how OLD are you? 39! I always feel like people think I’m lying when I say that though, like they’re thinking “Oh SURE you’re 39. For how many years now?!”
* * *
Okay, I’m headed off to the old house to spend the damn day scrubbing and cleaning and hating. See you tomorrow!
* * *
“In 1982, Rodney Squirrel stuck the landing so hard that the judges had no choice but to give him 10s across the board, leading to an upset victory and the first gold medal awarded to an Alabaman. To this day, no one knows how this squirrel – an alternate who was a last-minute substitute for the ailing Charles D. Chipmunk, who was rumored to have accidentally eaten a green acorn – managed to spring his way into Rodentlympics history. It’s been suggested that cashews in the feeder were responsible for the amazing performance from this scrawny young squirrel.”
“Squirrels
do love cashews, Bob.”
“Indeed they do, Jim. Indeed they do. After winning the Gold, Rodney immediately retired from competition and has spent the last 25 years touring the country, living off the fat of the land, and lecturing young rodents on how they, too, can force their way into sports history through sheer physical prowess. He’s fond of saying “It only takes once to make a career, kids!” He’s never managed another landing like the one he stuck in ’82. For sure, a once-in-a-lifetime move.”
* * *
“Okay, so you go left at the bird feeder… No, wait. You go right at the bird feeder, then left at the tree… no, that’s not right, either. I gotta confess, I was pretty whacked out on the ‘nip when we found the mole head, so I’m not sure exactly where it was. There was a ditch, though, I remember that. Probably if you follow the trail of tiny intestines, you’ll get to the mole head. Take a left, and you’ll find the rabbit leg Maxi left behind. I don’t guess that rabbit foot gave
that guy much luck, huh? No small animals are safe when the mighty mighty Maxi is on the hunt, that’s for sure.”
* * *
Previously
2006: I ran out the back door, yelling the entire way for Tommy to “Drop it! Drop it, Tommy! DROP IT!”
2005: No entry.
2004: No entry.
2003: It’d certainly be interesting, at least until it came to blows, I’m sure.
2002: Of course, the mother of the bride is a total sobbing mess.
2001: My butt hurts.
2000: I meant to pick up the razors for Women with Big Asses.]]>