“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, your presence at this news conference
is greatly appreciated. The Senator will make a short speech, and then there
will be a ten minute question-and-answer period. Please try not to drag it out,
folks. The Senator has a meeting this afternoon he can’t possibly miss. Without
further delay, I present to you the next President of the United States of America,
Stanley J. Boogerton!”
(Applause)
“Thank you, Miss Pootstein. Members of the press, thank you for attending
today. As you may have already guessed, I’d like to discuss the new initiative
I’m putting before Congress right now. Although sponsoring the No Kitten Left
Behind Initiative has taken time away from my campaign, I think it’s vitally
important to the young people of our nation, and a mentally stronger, more educated
youth can only be a boon to our future. I believe you all received the detailed
package describing every element of this new initiative, is that correct, Miss
Pootstein?”
“Sir, that’s correct, every reporter has a copy of the initiative.”
“Excellent. Now, I assume you’ve all had a moment to look through the
packets. Are there questions?”
“Senator, Spot J. And3rson from the Washington Journal. I’d like to ask
if you’d like to respond to the allegations made by a young African-American
kitten earlier today.”
“I… allegations? I’m sorry, no one has informed me of any allegations
made by anyone. Miss Pootstein, do you know what he’s talking about?”
“Sir, I have no idea.”
“Senator, a young African-American kitten named Thomas J. Cullen has alleged
that you acted inappropriately with him on several occasions.”
“Mr. And3rson, is it? I’ve heard nothing of any allegations, and I think
that you bringing up these supposed “allegations” when I’m trying
to focus the attention on a very important initiative is outrageous.”
“ABsolutely outrageous!.”
“OutRAGEous, I say!”
“So you’re saying that you deny the allegations, Senator?”
“Absolutely I do! I categorically deny any inappropriate behavior with
ANY child. I VEHEMENTLY deny it!”
“I have pictures in my possession, Senator. Pictures given to me by Thomas
J. Cullen’s mother personally. Take a look at these.”
“Mr. And3rson, I can state without a doubt that those pictures are complete
and utter fakes! This press conference is over. Miss Pootstein, please join
me in the other room.”
“YOU TOLD ME THOSE PICTURES HAD BEEN DESTROYED! We paid
a ton of money, she gave us the roll of film, and you were supposed to
see that the roll was destroyed!”
“Sir, I swear to god, I don’t know what happened! They were supposed to
be destroyed immediately, by shredding first and then by fire!”
“Well, who the hell did you task with destroying the film?”
“I… oh my god!”
:gasp:
“NOOOOOOOOOO!”
“What? Who? WHO DID YOU HAVE DO IT?”
“Your half brother, Spanky G. Pyle!”
“WHAT?”
“Sir, I’m SO SORRY! I thought for sure it was such an easy task even HE
couldn’t mess it up!”
“Pootstein, do you KNOW what you’ve done? This is the absolute end of
my career, and they’re going to toss me in jail!”
“Sir, I…”
“Get away from me, woman. I never want to see your face again!”
“Pyle! SPANKY G. PYLE, where are you?!”
“Hrm?”
“Spanky, what the HELL have you done?! What did you do with that roll
of film I gave you to destroy?!”
“Destroy? You wanted me to destroy that?”
“Yes, DESTROY! What did you do with it?!”
“Oh… Well, I made copies and sent them back to the lady you wanted me
to send the money to. Is that bad?”
“Pyle, if I were you, I’d pack my bags and run for the hills. Boogerton
is going to have a hit man kill you slowly and painfully.”
(Spanky G. Pyle, on the run)
Two hours later
“Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, Senator Stanley J. Boogerton would
like to announce that he is withdrawing from the Presidential race due to an
illness in the family. He requests that you give he and his family time and
space to deal with this for now. Thankyou, goodnight, I’m sorry there’ll be
no questions.”
11/14/05 – The Downfall of Senator Stanley J. Boogerton