2004-09-01

September logo!) I’m flying to Maine on Saturday and staying for a week. My grandmother, who went into an assisted care facility last summer, has been failing. She has stomach cancer. It’s an estrogen-based cancer and they’ve been treating it with an estrogen prohibitor; there’s no way she would have survived the surgery to remove her stomach. The pain in her stomach has slowly gotten worse, and at the assisted care facility they were treating it with Tylenol with codeine. She turned 86 last Thursday. She’s the only grandparent I’ve ever really known. She’s fallen several times over the past year, the last time just last week. She hadn’t apparently hurt herself, but when my mother showed up later that day to have lunch with my grandmother, my grandmother couldn’t stand up. They took her to the hospital to try to figure out what was wrong, and couldn’t find anything – they thought it might be a stroke, but a brain scan showed that it wasn’t. Over the weekend, they moved her from the hospital to a nursing home. The nursing home called my mother on Sunday to tell her that my grandmother had been begging anyone who came near to kill her. My mother went to the nursing home and spent the day there, and while she was there, it became apparent that the nursing home was attempting to treat my grandmother’s pain with plain extra-strength Tylenol, which wasn’t helping in the slightest. When my mother asked if they could give her something stronger, the nurses apologetically said that they couldn’t, that the nursing home doctor had said to give her Tylenol. My mother spent quite some time trying to get in touch with someone who could help. My grandmother’s former doctor wasn’t available, her current doctor wasn’t available, and finally my mother was able to reach the doctor covering for my grandmother’s oncologist, who prescribed morphine, which seems to help. This morning my sister called, crying, because I think it’s one thing to know that your grandmother is dying, and another thing to actually see her dying slowly in front of you. I can’t tell you how hard it is to sit and listen to someone you love, 1500 miles away, crying like that. Debbie said that my grandmother’s knocked out on morphine most of the time, but when she’s awake, she just looks so sad. I think it’s talking about that sadness that made Debbie cry the hardest. I talked to my mother for a few minutes and she sounded sad, but resigned. I wish that you could all know my grandmother as she was when I was growing up. She was the sweetest woman I’ve ever known. She took meticulous care of herself, ate a raisin bran muffin for breakfast every morning, walked for exercise, kept her house clean and neat as a pin, was always sweet and sympathetic and active and independent. She would never have wanted her life to end like this, doped up on morphine, unable to get out of bed, so far from the house she loved. I ask you, what the fuck is the point of taking care of yourself so well for so many years when this is how it ends?

Gram and the spud, Summer 1997.
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89 thoughts on “2004-09-01”

  2. I’m so sorry your grandmother is going through this Robyn. It’s so unfair for the elderly to have to go through so much toward the end. Your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Oh Robyn, I am so sorry. You might want to consider hospice care. They will bring her home and make sure her comfort (as well as your family’s) is their primary concern. They are wonderful. I know – same type of situation, away from home, only my Mom. You will be in my prayers.

  6. I’m sorry Robyn. My Grandma is going through something similar right now and I agree with you on how awful it is. I’ll be thinking of you.

  8. Robyn-
    I am so sorry for you and your family having to go through this. When I say I understand, I honestly do. I lost both my maternal and paternal grandmothers within 2 days of each other and both with slow deaths. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  10. Robyn,
    I’m so sorry. I watched both of my grandmothers go through this type of thing in the past year and a half. My thoughts are with you and your family. I found myself asking many of the same questions you are and the only answer I could come up with was to enjoy the time we have to the best of our abilities. That is how our grandmas would want it. Sounds hollow now, but hopefully will help in the future. Please take care of yourself during this time.
    I also, totally second the idea of looking into hospice. They are the most wonderful people ever and will do their best to keep your grandmother comfortable.

  11. Robyn I am so sorry you and your family are going through this right now.
    It is hard to lose those we love.
    I have just recently lost my M-I-L to CHF and her brother died 10 days after she did from Parkinsons.
    Knbow you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Have a safe trip.
    (((HUGS)))

  13. Oh, Robin. I’m welling with tears here. My dad died of cancer earlier this summer. It’s horrible and I’m sorry about your grandmother and the pain this brings to your family. I’m disgusted that the nursing home doctor just gave her tylenol. Her comfort is the only thing they can do for her and to not give it is appalling Michelle is right, hospice might be the thing. I hope that she goes peacefully and that you and your family can find comfort in your wonderful memories of her.

  14. I was also thinking of Hospice..they really make a person’s last days as best as they can be.They can bring them home or get them into a facility that is very much like a real home setting.I am sorry your grandmother is going through this.I am glad you are able to go spend some time with her and your family.

  15. It’ll be tough, but you’ll never regret going home to see her. You’ve got hundreds (by my estimate) of us thinking and praying for you and your Gram. Godspeed.

  17. I’m so sorry. I lost my grandfather this past April in much the same way. He was so active, walking miles everyday. Then he had a massive stroke and was stuck in a bed, doped up on morphine. I was 600 miles away at college and couldn’t be by his side went he passed away, a cruel blessing. Have a safe trip. You and your family will be in my prayers.

  18. Robyn, my BIGGEST heartfelt compassion for you and your family. I know how difficult this is and no amount of words or consolation makes up for it. I hope that you will all find peace and comfort and that your trip holds lots of goodness to be shared with your grandmother, despite the drugs and pain. Prayers to you…

  20. Robyn,
    It’s hard to say anything more than I’m so sorry you all have to go through this, especially your Grandmother.
    I was a hospice volunteer…it’s a wonderful thing. The goal of our organization was for the doctors and nurses to regulate the morphine so patients got just what they needed w/o being knocked out. Lose the peaks and valleys and keep them out of pain. Not easy, but it can be done.
    I’m sending healing vibes to you and your family.
    Brenda

  21. Grandmas are very special and yours sounds absolutely awesome, Robyn. I’m sure it’s a comfort to her to be surrounded by so many people who love her.

  22. Oh Robyn! 🙁 *Hugs*
    My Grandmother is in a nursing home too and is being helped by hospice who has her on a morphine patch which helps her tremendously.
    Surprised the home hasn’t mentioned it.

  23. Robyn, you, your grandmother, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t mean to butt into your business….however, the doctor should be giving her something much stronger for the pain. Tylenol with codeine is just good enough for someone who is obviously having a high level of pain. Hugs to you!

  24. I’m so sorry about your grandma. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you in this hard time.

  25. Apologies…I didn’t finish reading your entry
    before I responded about the pain relief. I’m glad to hear that your Mom kept after them until they gave her something stronger.
    I do know how difficult saying good-bye can be.

  29. Robyn,
    My heart is just broken for you and your family. My grandmother just passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer’s. When she passed, I actually felt relief because I knew that for the first time in many years she was free from her ill body. I was lucky, as you are, to have such a wonderful grandma in my life for so long. It sounds like she created lots of great family memories for you…Lots of us will be thinking about you and your family during this difficult time.

  30. I’m so sorry, Robin….stay strong–I’ll keep you and your precious grandmother in my thoughts and prayers

  32. ((((Robyn))))
    You sound so frustrated. It really sucks that they transferred her without giving the nursing home proper instructions about pain management. Palliative care is not great in a lot of places- it’s sad that with all the things we can do for people it’s still so difficult to help people die with dignity and to be able to be painfree enough to spend some quality time with their families at the end.
    I hope that they can make her comfortable but able to see that the people who love her are there to support her. My thoughts will be with your people these next days.

  33. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, have a safe trip.

  34. I’m so very sorry, Robyn. I’ve watched three of my grandparents go through something similiar, and it is a difficult process. Hope it helps to be with your family in Maine.

  35. Your words perfectly describe my own dear paternal grandmother and her last days. That was back in 1986, she was 92 and I still MISS her to this very day!
    Thanks for reminding me that such a grandmother is to be cherished in life — as well as in memory. You’ve touched many today with your words, and we’ll all be thinking of you during your time with family.
    I wish that you could all know my grandmother as she was when I was growing up. She was the sweetest woman I’ve ever known. She took meticulous care of herself, ate a raisin bran muffin for breakfast every morning, walked for exercise, kept her house clean and neat as a pin, was always sweet and sympathetic and active and independent.

  36. That’s just sad. I’m sorry Robin. It’s hard to see a loved one suffer like that, and yet you are very fortunate to have had your grandmother for so long. I’m envious of that. I wish I would have known my grandmother as an adult (I mean when *I* was an adult) but she died when I was still a very self-involved teenager. I hope that your family is able to find a solution to the issues at hand and make her last months? Years? more enjoyable.

  37. I am sorry for you and your family to have to go thru this. I am really sorry for your grandmother, I think that she sounds like a wonderful person, and I am sure that she hates this as much as you do. Remember the good times, they help you get thru the bad ones.

  42. Robyn, I am so sorry about your Grandma. Like Ami said, think of all the fun and happy times you had together. {{{{{Robyn}}}}}

  44. I am glad you are going Robyn. I lost my Grandma to cancer and it was sad. Sorry you are going through this. Take care.

  45. Those are the trips “home” that we hate to make. Remember to intersperse those tears with funny and wonderful stories about the grandmother you will always remember and love. Hugs.

  46. Robyn, I lost my Dad to lung cancer in ’96. He was on morphine and sedated the last weeks of his life. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through in my life. He was so funny, smart, wonderful. I miss him with all my heart and I am sending you hugs as you go through this.

  47. I talk to elderly people on the phone all day and the oldest ones are the ones who ate bacon and eggs for breakfast every day and steak every night…
    Anyway, very sorry to hear about your grandma…my thoughts will be with you and yours, Robyn.

  49. Robyn–I am sorry that you and your family are going through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  50. I really felt the pain of your post…made me remember my own heartbreak a couple years ago with my Grandmother. It hurts. Terribly.
    Very big cyber hugs and caring sent your way.

  51. Oh, Robyn, this is so very sad. My heart goes out to you, your sister, and all your family. The photo of your grandmother and the spud is beautiful.

  52. Robyn…I am so sorry that you and your family are dealing with this. Your grandmother sounds precious and I am so glad that you have such wonderful memories. Have a safe trip.

  54. I’ve never posted before, but just wanted to say that I’m feeling for you. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  57. Oh, Robyn, I’m so sorry to hear that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Have a safe trip.

  59. Have a safe trip, and hug your grandma for all of us. I’m so sorry this is happening to her and to you.

  60. Sorry to hear about your grandmother. My grandmother also went into the nursing home (2 weeks ago). It was so hard to see her last weekend. Like your grandmother she always took meticulous care of herself and her house. It will be hard to lose her. Hugs for both of you.

  61. I feel for you and your family, Robyn. I will keep your grandmother and your family in my prayers tonight. My husband lost his grandmother this summer, so I know what you are going through.

  66. Robyn:
    I lost my beloved grandfather a year ago at age 86.
    My sister and myself cared for him through his final days, which wasn’t easy. But, please, do yourself a favor…when you go to Maine to visit her, PLEASE go and visit her and lay with her and talk about the things she did in her life, your funny memories, even if you don’t think she can hear you, she can. My sister and I did this for the final days of my grandfather, we stayed at his bedside and just talked about how much he meant to us, told funny stories, etc. We got the other members of our family involved when we could also, but please do this. It will help her to know when she passes that she made a difference and was loved, and it will help you say your goodbye’s. It will help with your greif tremendously.
    Sorry to be so long winded, but tell her. It’s good for her soul and for yours. Best of luck.

  67. *hugs* Robyn, for you and your family. Gramas are special, its so difficult to lose one especially in such a painful way. Take care.

  70. Add me to this long list, I’m sorry for you and yours. I agree with Cheryl, my family did that with my grandmother it helped all of us to be able to say goodbye.

  71. oh robyn, my dad died much the same way… doped up on morphine, but I saw it as the only answer to all his pain. He did so want to go home to die, I wish I had called hospice, I never thought of it and it was never suggested by the nursing home. I sometimes feel such guilt over the whole thing I get ill. We do what we can during these times and perhaps there is never a ‘right’ answer.
    I had an awesome grandmother too, and now I am a grandmother (a young one–48) but I better start taking good care of myself like your grandmother did… your grandmother had a good long healthy life. as hard as it is, try and stay focused on that.
    take good care of yourself.

  75. Hi there Robyn. I’m very sorry to hear what is going on with your family. Boy it sucks doesn’t it when the people we love start getting older and ill and it is so hard to adjust to the changes. My mom was in the hospital recently and it was a very scary experience all the way around. I guess it is all part of life that comes around to us all. Best wishes to you and your family.

  78. My grandmother was always a mean old bitch, but I still get choked up thinking about her current condition. I’m sorry to hear about your grandma, she sounds like a really cool lady. My heart breaks for her and for you. *hugs*

  83. You are in my thoughts. There is nothing like watching a grandma that is so special to you have to go this way. I had to do it in 2000. I am so sorry to hear of this. Have a safe trip.

  86. Holy Cow, Robyn. You are respected and loved by so many. I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this right now. Wish there were better words… please take care.

  87. I hope you have a safe trip and that you get to savor some good moments with her. Of course I am sorry for what you’re going through,(I have a Gammie that age) but I also want to say aren’t we lucky at our age to still have our grandmothers for a time? I am glad you are able to go, you’ll never regret being there.

  89. I am so sorry to read of your grandmother’s illness. I’m glad you can go visit her, have a safe trip. My grandma, also the only grandparent I’ve ever really known, is in a similar situation.

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