Written July 14th.
I don’t know which was worse on my flight from Huntsville to Dallas – the four year-old kicking the back of my seat the entire way, or the pitch of the flight attendant’s voice when she spoke to the four year-old and her sister.
No, wait. It was the ten minutes of screaming when the four year-old didn’t want to put on her seat belt. I feel your pain, kid, ’cause I sure hate putting that friggin’ seat belt on, too.
Ah, yeah. I lurrrve flying.
The flight wasn’t so horribly bad despite the fact that it seemed to be 50% kids under the age of 7, and we landed half an hour early, only to find that our flight to L.A. was delayed by an hour. Good thing we had the 3-hour layover in L.A, I suppose.
From Huntsville to Dallas, I read a god-awful piece of crap called The Last Year of Being Single, which makes me sad because I was really looking forward to it. I happily left the book on the plane after I skipped to the end and found out what happened, though in the interest of kindness to my fellow (wo)man, I should have tossed it in the trash.
The spud and I ate at TGI Friday’s. Ugh. We should have just opted for frozen yogurt instead.
The restrooms in this airport are distressingly few and far between.
Dallas, 3:35 pm
* * *
Our flight from Dallas to L.A. was horribly packed. I was crammed in a window seat, because I made the spud (being much smaller than I) sit in the middle seat. The woman sitting next to the spud was one who’d had a very loud conversation on her cellphone while in the terminal. During her conversation, she’d been sure several times to mention her wedding, her husband, her honeymoon, and to wave her left hand around so that everyone could see and admire her rock.
(It was gorgeous, I’ll give her that)
So when she sat down next to the spud, I did an inner eyeroll and groan.
“Oh, GREAT,” I thought. “She’s going to tell us allll about her beeeyootiful wedding. Grrrreat.”
Well, I’m a bitch (big shocker there, eh?), because she was perfectly friendly without being overly chatty. And when we landed in L.A, she offered the spud her “In Touch” magazine. Did you know that one of those Olsen twins has an eating disorder? I had no idea. Who says “In Touch” can’t educate?
I am perturbed to discover that fountain Coke products don’t seem to be easy to find in airports once you leave the deep South. Pepsi drinkers, don’t be offended since this is just my opinion, okay? Diet Pepsi has kind of a urine-y aftertaste.
I hate Aquafina bottled water. Bleh.
Time to check out the gift shops. Whoo!
6:37 pm, LAX
* * *
We just saw
Jeffrey Tambor. Surprisingly, the spud’s the one who spotted him.
“Omigod! I see someone famous!” she said. “You know
Three’s Company, when Mr. and Mrs. Roper moved away, and there was the guy next door who didn’t want them to move in?”
Sad to say, Jeffrey Tambor’s face immediately popped into my head.
“Where?” I said.
She pointed to a man in a hat and sunglasses standing by some croissant sandwich place. Sure as shit, it was him. But I could NOT think of his name. Naturally, I picked up the cellphone and called Fred.
“Go to your computer!” I said.
“I’m at my computer already.”
“Go to
Internet Movie Database and look up
The Ropers!”
Jeffrey Tambor and a gorgeous blonde were on the move. The spud and I followed at a distance.
“What’s that, a new movie?” Fred asked.
“It was the
Three’s Company spinoff,” I said. And yes, it’s sad that I knew that.
“Okay.”
“Start reading me the actors’ names,” I said. Jeffrey Tambor and his wife/ girlfriend/ friend stopped at the currency exchange counter.
“Norman Fell… Audra Lindley… I think they’re both dead now, by the way…”
“Yeah, keep reading.”
“Jeffrey Tambor – ”
“That’s it! I’m looking at him right now!” I all but yelled.
“Take his picture!”
With the spud standing as if posing for a picture, I goonily took a few pictures.
Unfortunately, the camera was on some fucked-up setting, and I ended with really blurry pictures of his back.
I have no idea what was going on with the camera.
My brush with fame. Heh.
As excited as I got seeing Jeffrey Tambor, if I ever see anyone REALLY famous, I’ll probably literally shit my pants.
Come on, LAX. Jeffrey Tambor is all you have to offer??
7:12 pm, LAX
* * *
It’s 7:38 pm Hawaii time (I turned my watch back when we left L.A.), which makes it 12:38 am Alabama time, which makes it WAY past my bedtime.
Thanks, Male Pattern Baldness in the seat in front of me. Thanks for slamming your seat back so far that it’s against my knees. Thanks for doing that the second we reached cruising altitude, even though you didn’t bother to go to sleep, but instead are sitting there chatting with your wife, or whoever the fuck she is. I’m not bothering you by constantly smacking the back of your seat when I shift my legs, am I? (Just a little trick I learned from a four year-old)
Q: What’s worse than walking into an airplane bathroom and being greeted by a BIG stank?
A: Walking out of said bathroom, knowing that the person waiting to walk in will attribute said stink to YOU, even though you didn’t do it.
7:45 pm, Hawaii time
* * *
It’s 8:55 pm Hawaii time, which makes it 1:55 am Alabama time. We’ve been in the air for three hours, and there is a stupid fucking twathead two rows up who has been intermittently shuffling the same goddamn stupid fucking goddamn fucking deck of cars for the last two goddamn fucking hours, and I want to rip her goddamn fucking ::fliiiip::TAP::TAP::TAP::FLIIIP::TAP::TAP::TAP::FLIP::TAP::TAP::TAP::FLIP::TAP::TAP::TAP:: head off her stupid fucking goddamn neck
::FLIP::TAP::TAP::TAP::
::FLIP::TAP::TAP::TAP::
::FLIP::TAP::TAP::TAP::
and shit down her stupid fucking twathead throat. WHAT? What the goddamn fucking christ am I going to do, tap her on her stupid fucking twathead shoulder and say “Excuse me, you self-centered twat, the screaming baby in the seat behind me doesn’t bother me because he can’t help his misery and also he’s cute, but if I hear one more goddamn fucking flip or one more goddamn fucking tap I will KILL YOUR STUPID ASS.”?
Yeah. I’m not Courtney Love YET.
I fucking hate this. I am staying in Honolulu for the rest of my goddamn life, I am never flying anywhere ever the fuck again STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER SPUD, YES IT IS TECHNICALLY STILL “OVER MY SHOULDER” EVEN IF YOU ARE TO THE SIDE OF ME AND NOT THE BACK STOP IT.
Why did my goddamn father have to take this assignment and why did I think this was a good idea? I hate the card-shuffling twat, I hate my parents,
I hate this pen I’m holding because it’s not you
(SHUT UP, BRIAN KRAKOW)
HATE. HATE. HATE.
OH LOOK. SHE STOPPED SHUFFLING. SHE’S GOING TO SLEEP. DOESN’T SHE LOOK COMFY. PARDON ME WHILE I GO POKE HER STUPID GODDAMN EYES OUT WITH MY PEN.
9:12 pm Hawaii time
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It’s funny that you associate Jeffrey Tambor with ‘The Ropers’ and not his more recent stuff, like ‘Arrested Development’ on FOX.
Card shuffling…seat kicking…pseudo-celeb spotting…bwah ha hah…::snort!::
Ah, the joys of flying. 🙂
Hawaii will *totally* make up for the complete hell that you are enduring on the plane. Hang in there!!!
How many times can you say twat in one entry? HEE! I knew I would corrupt you sooner or later. 🙂
I live in the UK and have hardly any idea who the Olsen twins are but even I know that one of them has an eating disorder!
You sound like a FUN flier!!! Let’s travel together!
I’m dreading the 5 hour flight from here to San Fransico, and moreso the next one, 5 1/2 hours from San Fran to Toronto, overnight no less.. ::shudder::
Yeah, the spud loves to watch those crappy old sitcoms at night, so she recognized Jeffrey Tambor from “The Ropers”. I knew he was on a current show, but couldn’t think of the name of it!
Nance: And I thought of you each and every time I wrote the word. 😛
Jude: It was sarcasm. 🙂 I suspect there are tribesmen in the remotest parts of Africa who are fully aware that one of the Olsen twins has an eating disorder (or is it drugs she’s in for?!).
Mo: I just could NOT GET COMFORTABLE. I hate flying, have I mentioned?
Adena: Someone suggested that I see my doctor before I leave and get a prescription for Ambien so I’d sleep on the plane (it worked really well for her). I didn’t get a chance to call my doctor before I left, but on that plane, I was sure wishing like hell that I had!
I hate to ask for anything, but is there any way you could separate some of the pictures for tomorrow from the journal entry? I want to see them alllllll, but this lame web service won’t load long entries. Once or twice a year I can’t read your journal because the entry won’t load and it just kills me. Kills me! Thank you in advance and I’ll promise not to ask for anything ever again, not even progress shots in your underwear on OFB.
Julie – Yeah, I can probably do that – I haven’t started putting the pictures into the entry yet, so I may stick a page of pictures over at robynanderson.com and link it at the bottom of the entry. Hey! That way the OFB readers can see the pictures and won’t be subjected to my profanity-filled entries! Thanks for the idea, Julie. 🙂
“Diet Pepsi has kind of a urine-y aftertaste”
Heh,you got me back for sending that cute puppy pic ! Diet pepsi is the ONLY soda in this whole dinky town that I drink,or should I say,USED to drink ! ;op
I too HATE Aquafina bottled water. Except I never remember that it’s Aquafina I hate until after I have had the first sip. Bah! I always think it’s Dasani that I hate…but, no, it’s Aquafina.
I actually remember him from muppets in space.
Nothing to do with today’s entry — but I was snooping around snopes.com (hee!) when I came across this: http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/catchfish.asp
and immediately thought of you! Just thought I’d give fodder to your nightmares. >:)
A thought…just HOW do you know what a “uriney aftertaste” tastes like, anyway? Hee! Glad you’re back, and bring on the pics!
…Or as Hank “Hey Now!” Kingsley from the Larry Sanders show.
Or his future role in “The Dr. Phil Story.” Heh. (kidding, although he has been on the Dr. Phil show because people think they look alike).
The My So Called Life reference was hilarious, Robyn.
You cracked me up about the airport bathroom big stink incident. I’m always embarassed as hell when I walk into a public bathroom with the most disgusting smells in the world. Then someone else walks in and glares at you like you did it.
She’s back…you write so well and you make me laugh my ass off!!!!!!!
I work in a pharmacy and a lot of people get medicine so they can sleep on long flights like that.They also get a medicine that works great for jet lag..can’t think of it right off but your doctor could help you with all of that..
I know why Jeffry looks so blurred…you took those shots through your invisibility cloak, didn’t you?!
At the beginning of my eleven hour flight from England to California,the teen in the seat in front of me laid his seat back,bumping the book I was reading.
I said,”No,no,no,this isn’t going to work. You HAVE to raise your seat back up.” His mom asked what the prob was and I told her. She shot me an exasperated look and moved the kid over one seat(it was a half empty flight),but she got over it really quickly.
Had she not moved him,I probably would have been immature and kicked his seat hard and OFTEN. HA.
Too funny. Welcome back! Only one itty, bitty suggestion. Valium and flying work well together. Not that it comes from “personal” experience. I just hate takeoff. I figure if we are crashing, it’s going to happen then. . .