Tracy. (Another Tracy, not my brother Tracy. But I love him, too!)
* * *
So last night we were sitting in front of the TV watching
Joe Schmo, which by the way is pretty damn funny (the first hour of it, at least – we taped the second hour, which we’ll watch tonight) because they found the biggest schmo in all of America to be the sucker who doesn’t know that the “reality show” he’s on is no reality show. Anyway. We were watching the show, and it went to commercial. A trailer for
The Order came on.
“Is that Heath Ledger?” Fred asked. I confirmed that it was.
“Hey!” I said as
Shannyn Sossamon‘s face flashed on the screen and then the trailer ended. “That’s… that girl.” I thought hard. “What’s the movie that Heath Ledger was in as a knight?”
“Uh.
A Knight’s Tale,” Fred said distantly.
“Yeah, she was the girl in
A Knight’s Tale!” I said. No answer from Fred. “You know, the girl? The love interest?” Again silence. Birds chirped in the distance.
I finally looked over at Fred, who was staring at the TV screen, his eyes glazed over, his mouth hanging open, a thin string of drool stretching from his lower lip. I looked at the screen to see what had him so fixated, and saw a commercial.
A
Just for Men commercial. As it ended, Fred came out of his trance, swallowing and wiping the drool from his lip. He blinked and turned his head to see me staring at him.
“Huh?” he said.
I guess Spike TV really IS television for men.
* * *
Lately, we have been using a certain line from
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back almost constantly. Yesterday in the car, we were discussing Amazon and their way of ordering that drives us crazy, and how their ranking system makes no sense, and also the way we’ve sent them, like, 50 books and they claim to have sold 3 and have only 8 in stock, and really nothing about it makes sense to us.
“Fuck ’em,” I said, which is my standard response to most anything these days. “Just fuck ’em.”
“That’s right,” Fred said.
“THEY are the ones – “I began.
“who are the ball-lickers!” he finished.
Yep. We’re dorks.
* * *
While I’d like to take the credit for coming up with “a nice big hot steaming cup of shut the fuck up”, it was reader Belinda who sent me
this picture, which made me desperate to use the line. She said she saw it and immediately thought of me.
I can’t imagine why…
* * *
I know that I’ve bitched about Staples plenty of times, so here’s a story about how they rock.
I ordered a new chair mat online from Staples because the one I have has cracked and has pieces of plastic sticking up which impede my progress from one side of the mat to the other side of the mat. Because my chair has rollers on the bottom, and I am a rolling fool.
Fred wrote
about the last time I bought a new chair mat. Read it to the end; re-reading it had me laughing so hard I cried.
So I ordered the new chair mat, and yesterday as I was doing something which escapes me at the moment (something important, I’m sure), my cell phone rang. I answered it (usually I let it go to voicemail, but I decided to live dangerously for once). It was someone from Staples’ customer service letting me know that the mat I’d ordered was out of stock and wouldn’t be in for 2 – 3 weeks. He went on to tell me that there was a similar mat available, and I agreed that it would be fine to substitute that mat for the one I’d ordered, because I’m not picky about that sort of thing.
And then he said they’d waive the delivery fee, because the one I’d ordered wasn’t in stock.
Staples rocks.
* * *
Spanky’s sexy cheesecake pose.
The happiest! kitty! in the world!
Spot, right before he turned tail and ran for the cat door, because he is of the impression that he’s not supposed to be outside. I have no idea why he has this impression, and I always tell him he’s fine, he can stay out, but he always freaks out anyway.
Previously
2002: When married characters are that cruel to each other, all you can think is, “Why the hell are they married if they hate each other so much?”
2001: Gatlinburg pictures!
2000: No entry.]]>
I love Tracy too! Your brother, Tracy. I don’t know the other one. BUT — did you know YOUR brother Tracy didn’t like “Clerks.” Really. Can you imagine? He like Jay adn Silent Bob SB, but not Clerks. Strange.
Thanks for the Happy Birthday. It is so far. Of course I waiting for Tracy to get home, ’cause, “where’s my loot” ya’ know?
Gonna write you an e-mail today. Uh huh. I am.
Oh please on please send me the STFU jpeg! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! And my husband and I say the exact same Silent Bob quote. Yup dorks unite:) Oh and I am LOSING weight:) I have lost a grand total of 45 since I started my program at the begining of Summer — and Fred’s book is keeping me on the straight and narrow every time I want to eat. I am thinking of his blow by blow description of the guy with the diabetic foot. YUCK. I am so loving your journal.
Joe Schmo is the funniest show. The end of the second hour had me and the husband laughing so hard!!
Then I had dreams all night I was making out with Joe Schmo and I realized I seriously have issues!
He is the best guy for this show-so ignorant!
Anyway for anyone interested it repeats again this week a few times. Check your local listings!
How could anyone not like “Clerks”? How is that possible?
Okie – isn’t he just the best pick for that show? He’s such a shmuck!
Its funny because he just says the stupidest stuff. He seems like such a loser but in the show he is the leader so its just bizarre!
I love when he’s talking about hookin’ up and stuff! Hand on a hooker – The show is just genius for us reality show freaks (self included in freak)
Oh Robyn, thank you, I was having a bleh day and that picture of “cup of” was great! I don’t know if it was the realistic retro look with the wording or what but LOL.
We used to have a plastic “carpet saver” in a foyer in our old house that for some reason had carpet instead of linoleum, anyway it is made like the one you got. Our son who was 4 at the time used to think it was so funny to turn it upside down so when one of us was barefooted and going to the door when someone rang the doorbell, we would go into our little rant and possible embarass ourself in front of the person standing on the other side of the door. Would you believe this happened to me not once, not twice but 3 or 4 times before I learned to look before I stepped? Thought I would share.
Having dealt with rampant ineptitude in the disguise of so-called “customer service” people all day, I am NOW home enjoying MY cup of steaming-hot-shut-the-fuck-up!
I mean, how hard is it to actually WAIT on a paying customer in a store, really? I had over a grand in cash on me to purchase a new fridge….scoped out the sales….decided on what I wanted…went to the store….and wandered around for 35 mins. looking for someone to wait on me!! I was so pissed I spent another 20 mins. at the Customer Service Counter while they tracked down the manager, to complain to him. Then he had the gall to tell me someone would be back there in another 5-10 mins, AFTER THEY FINISHED THEIR BREAK!!!
Then there are the sales people that follow me all over the store when I am just in there to buy a friggin’ magazine…..
waitaminute here….I am going on a rant…..guess I should leave that up to you, for you are the bitchypoo…
anyway, the coffee is delish! Carry on…don’t let me stop ya….
love the journal by the way….am all caught up (yup I’m a dork too without a life, I read from day one to present)
Kathy
I just snorted water all over my desk! Omigod that entry about the chair mat is funny!
because they found the biggest schmo in all of America to be the sucker who doesn’t know that the “reality show” he’s on is no reality show.
And, of course, they found the biggest schmo in Pittsburgh, PA. And you wonder why I had to go the whole way to Missouri to find a decent man? Ha!
The entry about the chair mat was absolutely great. Of course I just scared my cat half to death by roaring with laughter!!
Happy Happy Birthday Lee!!! (I don’t have your email address…..how pathetic is that?) Hope you have a great day!!!!
My mother used to cover all the carpets with plastic runners. Sometimes they got flipped over by accident. I like to walk around barefoot.
You have my sympathy.
Maybe it was cupid’s arrow that got Fred again!
Thanks for sharing your life!!!
Please send me the link for the fat diatribe. My e-mail address is “gathomas” followed by the “@” symbol and then a “dcr.net” ending. (I’ve been hit pretty hard with spam, too.)
THANKS!