Can you see Spot reaching out, hoping to be Fancified?
Fancypants was not trapped in the house of the people who moved – they’re actually still living there, it appears, or at least getting the house ready to be sold. He also was not trapped in the moving truck, but thanks for the suggestions, y’all.
Fred said last night, “I keep thinking that Fancypants is trapped in the house somewhere.” Every time the washer or dryer is running, Fred thinks he hears a cat meowing, and ends up going to investigate. There’s no way he could be in the house, though – we’ve searched every corner, every cabinet, every closet, every inch of every room.
So, if you’re a pain in the ass, and you get into your big, expensive pain in the ass vehicle, and you drive your yuppie self to the nearest McDonald’s, and you plan on placing a great big special-item order (“A cheeseburger with no onions. Another cheeseburger, this one with no ketchup. A third cheeseburger, with no pickles. A large fry with no salt. A large fry with extra salt. A Diet Coke. A regular Coke. An iced tea, with only lemon. An iced tea, with no lemon and no sugar. Oh, and could you write on the wrapper to all of those cheeseburgers exactly what each is, so I won’t have to unwrap it with my lily-white fingers and figure out which cheeseburger goes to which kid?”), would you kindly get your big bitchy ass out of your big gas-guzzling SUV (yeah, I know, potkettleblack) and haul your ass INTO the store so that you can oversee the creation of your order? Because if someone in line behind you (hi!) at the drive-up is intent on only ordering a salad and a (super-size!) Diet Coke, and you spend ten minutes screaming your huge fucking order into the drive-up speaker, and then remark loudly to your travelling companion how stupid those idiots at McDonald’s are, and then you spend another 5 minutes screaming at the drive-up lady who takes your money, and THEN you sit at the second drive-up window for yet another 5 minutes, going painstakingly THROUGH your order, unwrapping each sandwich to double-check, tasting fries to be sure they’re done correctly, shaking your BIG FUCKING BITCH HEAD the entire time, what will that accomplish?
I’ll tell you what that will accomplish. That will cause the salad-and-Diet-Coke lady behind you (hi!) to, after paying for her order at window #1, and after watching you SHAKE YOUR BIG FUCKING BITCH HEAD for 10 minutes as you smugly tell your travelling companion that McDonald’s isn’t as good as Burger King, to put her vehicle in park – while still in line – lock her doors, walk past your STUPID YUPPIE BITCH SELF, walk into the McDonald’s, lean into the drive-up booth and say brightly, with a smile, “Hi! I see that you have a real pain in the ass in the drive-up. I’m behind her in line. Could I have my order? A salad and Diet Coke? I think that’s it, right there.”
And not only will the drive-up folks be THRILLED to hand her order to her, but they will ALSO ask her if she’d kindly take the order to the people in line behind her, and she will be just as thrilled to comply. And yet, after all your pain in the ass-ness, when she walks by your big fucking SUV and mutters “GoddamnmotherfuckingpaininthefuckingassBITCH”, you will be somehow be surprised. And you will be further surprised and appalled when the TWO vehicles behind you pull out, having received their orders, despite all you’ve done to prevent that.
Pet store kitties are
here.
So, we went to see
The Matrix Reloaded on Saturday. I made Fred buy me a Diet Coke, because the movie time was messing with my usual lunch time, and there was no way I was going to sit through a 2+ hour movie without something to drink. (If I’d been thinking before we left the house, I would have stuck a can of Diet Coke in my purse and thus saved us $145. But I wasn’t thinking, which is all too common in my life these days, and thus we had to spend $8 for 2 large Diet Cokes. Damn.) We were walking away from the snack bar, when Fred gestured at the far wall, where posters for future movies were hanging.
“There’s a movie about…” he squinted and then blushed. “Oh, never mind.”
After much persuasion, he confessed that he’d seen the movie ratings poster on the wall and thought there was going to be a movie about the ratings system. We decided that would be a pretty boring movie, indeed.
Hee!
I just finished reading
How to Be Invisible, by JJ Luna, and found it pretty interesting, although I did have a dream that I was being stalked, and had to put the principles of the book in motion. It was a good book although there were parts that made it clear it was originally published in 2000, specifically the parts dealing with flying without using your name. Post-9/11, I don’t see that happening.
JJ Luna thinks like I do, at least in part. At one point in the book he says “If you don’t know the person ringing your doorbell, why bother to answer the door?” Amen to that!
“Meh. MEH. Meh!”]]>
Tubby reminds me of Cartman from South Park.
That’s all.
Come home fancypants!! We miss you!!
OOooh, those customers burn my ass too. Hello? You are at McDONALD’S you dumb BITCH! Get a hold of yourself!! Take the gd pickles OFF yourself. That’s why you have those little delicate fingers.
Blah!
I am so worried about Fancypants up here in Pennsylvania! I love his fancy look since he got the buzzcut and hope he comes home soon! He could not possibly have found a better home to live in than yours. He’ll be home soon, sending good thoughts your way.
From one cat person to another, I’m hoping that Mr. Fancypants returns to you soon.
Ooh poor ya’ll, missing Mr. Fancypants! It must be torture. Fingers, toes & paws crossed for his safe return…soon!
I nearly jumped when I read about Fred’s thinking MrFP is still around the house – the same thought crossed my mind when I first read of your kitty’s disappearance. My sister’s cat was missing for three weeks last year, and they found him trapped in the utility closet off the carport – a mess, but eventually back to good health.
All I can say regarding the McD’s incident is GO ROBYN! I am amazed everyday how people are so oblivious to the other people in the world around them. Amazed, and usually really pissed off.
A thought about Mr. FP: My parents’ cat once disappeared for a few days and Mom found him in a local animal shelter. Apparently some neighbor saw him and figured he was a stray and turned him in. (This was before he had a collar w/ a phone number on it.) Although how somebody could think a cat that’s only slightly less fat than Tubby could be a STRAY, for God’s sake, is beyond me. Maybe if Fancypants’ collar came off this could have happened? Worth a phone call, I guess.
A few years ago this old man cussed this poor checker out at the grocery store so much that he made her cry. Why you ask…over a 10 cent coupon. He told her she was an idiot and they should fire her. After he finished his little speel about what an idiot she was, I said, “excuse me, here’s your precious 10 cents” and then I flicked a dime at him. (too bad I didn’t have 10 pennies ha!) He had not a word to say to me. So I said, “what? nothing to say? Oh I see…it’s a lot easier to cuss out a kid who’s doing everything she can to keep her job but totally different when a grown woman is involved” He stood with his side to me with this idiotic deer in the headlights look and had absolutely no idea how to respond or what to do. Chicken shit bastard.
Yo Dumb Bitch:
If Burger King is so much better (and I don’t disagree with you there) then WHY THE FUCK are you at McDonalds in the first place? Way to go Robyn!!!
I miss Mr. Fancypants. I really liked his new haircut, even if he wasn’t going to wear it that way too long.
When I was a court reporter a few years ago, we had a case where a lady was in the drive through a little too long (per the person behind her)…the lady behind her got out and approached her and reached in her car and stabbed her. She was badly injured but recovered. I was shocked as I was listening to this. It was the restaurant taking too long, not this lady’s fault…
Keeping my fingers crossed for Fancypants’s safe return!
Oh, and will you go with me the next time I have to endure the drive-through line? I always get stuck behind Big Stupid Bitch Head, too.
This is my first time visiting your blog, and you can bet your ass that I’ll be linking you on my site. I thought I would wet meself laughing at your wrangle at McMurderers, though I’m sure nothing about that experience struck you as being funny at the time.
I hope your cat makes it home safely; is it too soon for another remake of “The Incredible Journey”?
Keep up the good work.
Robyn, I love you!
And although Szmatka may still be pining away for Mr. Pants, I have to admit I’m harbouring a slight crush on Tubby… when is Meh Part Deux due for release?
On behalf of waitresses everywhere, I commend you. Can we organize a petition so that your post could be a small sidenote on menus all over the world? When I was a kid and I didn’t want onions or pickles or something on a burger my mom told me, “You can pick them off!!!” I could go on about this for days! If you don’t like something the way it comes, fix it yourself or order something else!!!!!
Fuck, Robyn, how did that brain-dead soccer mom bitch manage to make it all the way to Alabama in that gas-guzzling, ugly-ass Sherman Tank she was driving? Because I swear I was stuck behind that same entitlement-minded lookoutformeIamonmycellphone bitch way out here on the left coast! Yesirree! I live in a part of town where you really have to watch your ass every time you get behind the wheel, because some stupid bitch on a cell-phone will haul ass out of her parking space (usually marked “compact cars only” by the way) almost taking you out in the process!
Seriously, getting stuck behind high maintenance people happens to me FAR TOO OFTEN. They need to have separate lines for HM and LM — the only problem with that is that people who are HM *think* they are LM. I guess we’ll have to go through life continuing to put up with these bozos …
And another thing, your entry had me in tears and rolling on the floor laughing! So I linked to it from my blog (just click on my name). I hope you don’t mind! 🙂
God DAMN, that was hilarious. Rock on, Robyn!
In the first place I only go to McDonald’s when there is no time for anything else and I try to see to it that is as seldom as humanly possible.
They aren’t the only place with drive thru windows though and people such as you described.
Alright Mr. Fancypants . . time to come back from this week long bender!
The back of my old washer was kind of open. Do you suppose Fancypants wandered in there and can’t get out? Long shot, I know. But I just thought I’d mention it. I do hope you find him safe and sound.
those SUV driving crazy-heads must be hanging out in drive-thrus all over america! hope fancy-pants returns soon. i have a little paranoia about the dryer, too – glad i’m not alone. always looking for one of my three cats to be in it.
I love the picture of all your kitties! How come Mr. Fancypants is the only one who gets to lie in the sunshine spot? I also love how that perfectly good kitty bed goes unused in the midst of your 4 lovely kitties:-) I LOVE kittes.
Glad y’all liked the McDonald’s rant. 🙂 I have to admit, I have a bit of a soft spot for the poor kids who work at McDonald’s, probably because I worked there for 3 years in high school, and got to deal with every kind of asshole out there. At this point in my life, I try to think of it this way: Yes, the occasional order is going to get screwed up. That’s life. Don’t be an asshole about it. Y’know?
Yet Another Kat: Tubby is currently in talks with the studios about releasing the sequel to Tubby: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch (the sequel, of course, would be called Tubby: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.).
Cheryle: Of course, it’s always okay to link me. 🙂
Denise: Actually, we checked the back of the washer and dryer. I’m thinking it’s a pretty safe bet that the little bastard isn’t in the house anywhere. 🙂
Robyn.
Just a request.
Would you please update your site every 30 minutes? Please? That way it won’t look like I’m a huge ass stalker when my IP shows up as I click on your page every time I blink to see what’s new.
Frankie and Harvey made a couple of movies for you to view.
Mo – I will if you will. 🙂
I’ve seen the movies, and they kill me. Because Miz Poo does that same vigorous grooming of me (just on the hand and arm, though), and then it apparently gets too intense, and she slaps her tail around, and then eventually attacks my hand. Heh.
I just read Fred’s Monday entry, and I gotta say… There are some things you just should not let him write about. That is one of them.
You two crack me up. Wishing the best for The Pants of Fancy.
I did initially put the kibosh on that story, but he kept begging and begging, and just wore me down, the bastard.
OMG, people like that lady are ALL OVER THE PLACE here!! Everyone behaves as though they are the only people on the planet, and therefore should be treated as gods! Way to go! I think next time I’m stuck behind one of those people I’ll try the same thing!
Hope Fancypants shows up soon!
One time, I was frantically looking for my smallest cat, Goji, and found her inside of the couch. As in, she had found a hole in the upholstery and crawled up under the springs and stuff. I didn’t find her until I sat down in exasperation, after a straight hour of searching and shaking a bag of her favorite treats, and heard a faint mew from underneath me. (I’m surprised we didn’t smash her with our fat asses.)
The McDonald’s story? Priceless. You reacted perfectly!
The drive through thing… you rock. 😉