order them online! How cool is that?!
I ordered a selection of boxes to see which Fred’s book (which hasn’t been printed yet, but we know what size it will be) would fit in, because I’m apparently too dumb to notice that they had the dimensions listed under each box.
So, Fred got it into his head a few weeks ago that he wanted a kayak. And then he followed his usual m.o., which was to harass the living shit out of me until I finally screamed “Fine! Fine! GET A GODDAMN KAYAK, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT!”
As usual, he then decided he didn’t want one. Then he did. Then he didn’t. Did. Didn’t. Did. Didn’t. He made 45,000 trips to Dick’s Sporting Goods store to gaze moony-eyed over the kayaks, and talked incessantly about it.
Is it any wonder that I drink? (Oh, wait. I don’t. But I oughta!)
Finally, on Sunday, he bought the fucking thing. He brought it home and put it on the garage floor and sat in it and discussed every detail of it until my ears bled. Then, of course, he wanted to take it to the river and try it out. Since he’s never BEEN in a kayak before, I insisted that he take me along. Not that I’d be much help, but I figured I could always call 911 and report a drowning.
(Oh, calm down. Of COURSE he has a life jacket.)
So we went to the river, or some offshoot of the river or something like that, where there’s a boat ramp, and he put the kayak in the water and paddled around. He was doing pretty well, so after I watched him for a while and took a thousand pictures (many of which will decorate his
journal entry, which will be up later.
Here‘s a picture to tide you over until then.), I went back to the Jeep and read for an hour or so until he was ready to go.
Naturally, when he got home from work yesterday afternoon, he wanted to go out in the kayak again. Now, this is a big deal because except for taking the spud to her Youth Group thing at church on Wednesday nights, we rarely leave the house on a weeknight. So I made dinner early, and we headed for the river.
We got there, he got the kayak in the river, and I watched him for a few minutes. Once again, I headed for the Jeep and sat and read the book that I always keep in my purse for just such an occasion. We’d agreed that he could spend about an hour on the river, so it surprised me when he showed up back at the car after half an hour. He didn’t have a watch or any way to tell time, so he was surprised that it had only been half an hour. He put the kayak on top of the car and began cinching it down.
My cell phone rang, and I answered it to find the spud on the other end. She wanted to know when we’d be home, and as I answered her, I glanced up. The parking lot we were parked in is surrounded by woods, and coming out of the trees I saw four dogs. As I continued talking to the spud, I got Fred’s attention and pointed toward the dogs. He glanced up and nodded, then went back to what he was doing.
As the spud said something on the other end of the phone, I watched the dogs. They caught sight of us and started hauling ass in our direction.
“Babe!” I said, loudly and sharply, pointing at them. I brought my hand down, hanging up the phone, and stared at the pack of dogs coming toward us.
Seriously, I don’t think I’ve been so scared in my life. I thought I was going to lose control of my bowels.
Fred saw the dogs running toward us, and – leaving the front driver-side door (the door across from me) wide open – ducked into the back seat and pulled the door to.
The dogs reached the Jeep, and one of them stuck his head in the open door, sniffing. As I got ready to kick at him, the dogs circled the Jeep and ran back the way they’d come.
Later, Fred said “You know I would have protected you if they’d tried to come in the open door and attack, right?” Suuuuure he would’ve.
I had such an adrenalin rush that I shook for most of the half hour ride back home.
The funniest thing is that the dogs had been down in the river chasing balls thrown by their owner – and the “pack” was made up of three black labs and a beagle. I was scared shitless by black labs and a beagle. Possibly the least vicious dogs in the dog kindom.
I’m a badass motherfucker, that’s right.]]>
You never fail to get me to laugh. Loved today’s entry about the dogs. I could relate to the bowel movement cause girl that’s exactly what I’d be doing if a pack of these mean babies came at me 🙂
Almost as bad as 4 yorkies coming out of the woods at ya. ha.ha.ha
Just teasing ya. Big dogs can be intimidating. Can’t wait to read Freds entry about his adventure with his new kayak.
Is it bad that I got all excited last week about the post office actually bringing boxes? I dunno bout you but I hate standing in line for an hour to only say gimme some damn boxes.
A similar thing happened to me while I was walking in a local cemetery. (Where, it should be noted, dogs were not supposed to be.) They came baying down the hill at me. (And I had flashbacks to The Omen.) They were all (three of them) Golden Retrievers. I was definitely in danger of being licked to death.
What? You didn’t have the presence of mind to snap a few pics of the dogs for us?? Maybe next time. Glad you both made it home alive.
I’d have been scared to death, too. I still have nightmares about the evil rotweiler who used to hang around the pub I worked at, and from there on, anything even ressembling a bark gets me jumping.
I love reading your journal everyday. I was laughing so hard at this one I had to read it to my hubby because he thought i was going bonkers or something
My husband bought a kayak a couple of years ago. He keeps it at his mother’s house because she lives on a small man-made lake. Yes, that’s the only body of water we have around here. They’re fun, but I prefer a little more comfort and security when I’m sitting in the middle of a body of water.
Hi Robyn,
One time I stopped at a roadside stand to look at a small yard statue for my mom, when a Rottweiler and a Harlequin Great Dane came charging from behind the house. I thought I was going to die, until they came to a skidding halt about three feet from me and waited for their master. They ended up being named Pearl and Michael and followed me around while I checked out the statues, leaning lovingly against me and looking up adoringly everytime I stopped. Pearl even jumped in my car sitting next to the statue in the back seat like I wouldn’t notice her, and Michael (Great Dane) tried to wedge himself unsuccessfully into my front seat. It was a small Ford Probe so there was no way.
I remember how scared I was, so I can empathize.
I have a beagle, so I can assure you that the only thing that beagle wanted was to check whether you were carrying any food on you. 🙂 I’m still cracking up at Fred jumping in the BACK seat!
Elle, a herd of Golden Retrievers- that’s my kind of animal attack! I have my future golden retriever already named- he shall be called Garp and he will be one of those reddish bronze ones. Of course, Himself is concerned that once we move somewhere where we can have pets and break the seal, I’ll become a “dog lady.” No chance. Cat lady is doable, because you don’t have to walk around picking up the poo after them.