2002-12-12

Grudgingly, grumpily, I said “Why, that looks an awful lot like the picture on eBay.”

Fred smiled wider. “And I see that you got all the lights to work.” Fred smiled some more and nodded. “I hate you.” If possible, Fred smiled even wider, but pretended to not understand. “Why, Bessie?!” “Because you always do this shit! You always swoop in and save the day!” “I just don’t give up,” he said smugly. Bastard. So I made him help me decorate the tree.
“I really do hate you sometimes, you know,” I told him as we were putting ornaments on the tree. “That’s okay, Bessie. I hate you sometimes, too,” he said. I think he was just saying that to make me feel better.
* * *
Fred called me from work yesterday. “You got a Christmas card,” he told me. “Do you want me to bring it home, or throw it away?” “Odd,” I said. “I haven’t worked there for over two years. Why would someone send me a card there? Bring it home so I can see it.” And he brought it home, and all was made clear. It was from my old friends George and Laura! Pardon me for a moment while I do my “I am special, for I received a Christmas card from Our President and The First Lady, and you did not” dance.
Return address? The White House. But it’s postmarked Crawford, TX, where George and Laura have a ranch. Oh, I certainly remember the good times, sitting around the fire and making fun of Al Gore (George does a mean imitation) and Tom Daschle, and trying to pretend Laura and George weren’t groping each other. The front of the card. I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but rumor has it that Bill Clinton used a certain appendage to play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” during the 1997 Christmas party. That Laura always did have such nice handwriting. Hallmark. When you care enough to use taxpayers’ money to send the very best. Honestly? I’m touched. I really am.
]]>

2002-12-11

Doesn’t actually look all that new and unused, does it? Looks, actually, like someone’s been taking it out of their attic every year for ten years and using the tree and then putting it back into the attic, doesn’t it? But that’s fine. As long as the tree looked halfway decent from the street, I would be happy. And then I put it together, plugged all the parts into all the other parts, and then I stomped and screamed and called Fred and used the “C” word, and stomped some more, and got even more pissed.

The promised The received
And then? And then, my friends, I was filled with the Christmas Spirit. And lo, I said unto myself, I said “Self. Why the fuck are you doing this? You’re trying to put a Christmas tree in a small room, decorate it, and then shut the door so that it cannot be appreciated. And lo, this might be a piece of shit, ugly-ass tree, but this tree – this big fucking piece of crap – is trying to teach you something, self. This tree is trying to teach you that no one in this entire house but you gives a flying fuck whether there’s a tree in that room or not. And yes, perhaps having a tree in the big window might impress all the neighbors, but – lo – the neighbors probably don’t much give a shit about your decorations because they’re too busy mixing white and colored lights and buying too much stuff for their children, who spend many hours tromping across your lawn, and will probably continue to do so with their brand-spanking-new toys on Christmas day and lo the many years following, until they have grown into teenage punks, and will then spend their nights lolling about on your lawn smoking the dope and having the sex.” And I paused and slugged down some Scotch, straight from the bottle, and lo, I was filled with the True Meaning of Christmas. “Self,” I said. “What if you took this shitty tree down, and hauled it to the Downtown Rescue Mission so that someone who cannot afford to throw away $87 on it’s hideousness can pay $5 for it, and bring it home, and make it look decent with sixty-three days of hard work? And what if, further, you took the OTHER tree, the big one that Fred sweats and swears over every year as he strings the fucking lights on it, and you also hauled THAT to the Rescue Mission, and what if -” I hesitated, afraid to utter the words, for fear that the world would crack open, and yet the words, the words would be so liberating. I took another slug of Scotch, and breathed fumes over Miz Poo, who purred and flopped over to lick her ass. I took a deep breath, and then I said it. “WHAT IF YOU JUST DIDN’T HAVE A BIG TREE AT ALL?” And the angels sang. And the birds chirped. And the Baby Jesus gurgled in his crib. But I was not done with myself, not at all. For I needed to carry it further, to it’s natural conclusion, so that you readers who are hurriedly opening your mail clients with judgemental looks on your faces can just shut them and keep on reading, damnit. “But, the child,” I said to myself. “The child will be so very disappointed that there is no big tree, to decorate and admire. She will cry bitter tears in her bed at night, and tell her color picture of Elijah Wood of her horror. ‘No big tree! No big tree! Elijah, take me away!’ What kind of message will this send the child?” And the answer came to me, as if straight from the Baby Jesus himself. If the Baby Jesus ever gave a shit about Christmas trees, that is. “The message that the child will take away from the experience of not having a big tree is that you don’t always have to do something because it’s expected. The little tree is fine, and once we go through our box of ornaments and pick some out to put on the little tree, all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.” And the birds, they did sing. And the Angel Gabriel did appear to give me a high five, and the cats, they did dance. So let it be written, so let it be done.]]>

2002-12-10

Carrie. About The Tree 1. When do you put up the Christmas tree? Sometime after Thanksgiving. Sometimes it’s the weekend after, and sometimes it’s a few weeks after. This year, I was just waiting for the pre-lit tree I won from eBay to get here. It got here today, so I’ll be putting it up in the next few days. 2. Real or Fake? Fake. We used to do the real one, but the cats always made a big mess out of it. Plus, it was a pain in the ass to light. 3. Lights? What color? Clear, because that’s what Fred prefers. I like the multi-colored as well, but don’t care which we have, as long as they blink. 4. Garland? Nope, never had a garland on my tree – probably because my mother never did, either. 5. Theme or No theme? No theme, though I wouldn’t rule out an “all-yellow” theme in the future. 6. What kind of topper? A cheap plastic star. A few years ago I saw a Taz tree topper in the Disney catalog and wanted it, but by the time I placed my order, they were out. Same thing the following year, and finally I just gave up. 7. What’s your favorite ornament? I don’t have a particular favorite, though I really like the ones the spud made when she was little. 8. What does your tree skirt look like? It’s just a red fuzzy one we bought from Wal-Mart. Maybe I’ll cross-stitch one for next year! 9. Where do you put your tree? This year, we have two. The big, main one is going to go upstairs in the study in front of the big window, so we can close the door and keep the cats from destroying it. The other one – a 3-foot-tall one I bought from Target over the weekend – is sitting on one of the movie cabinets in the living room. 10. Who decorates the tree? The spud and I. Fred has always done the lights, but the pre-lit tree will make the unnecessary from here on out!

11. What’s “under” the tree? Nothing. We don’t put presents out until Christmas eve. 12. Do you put candy canes on your tree? Nope. About The Foods 1. What’s your favorite Christmas cookie? Those sugar cookies with Hershey’s kisses in them. I haven’t had them in years, but I’m having a craving. 2. Do you bake cookies and give them away? No, because if I did that, I’d end up “giving” half of them to my mouth. 3. Any “special” foods or candy that you only have at Christmas time? Fudge, though I don’t know if I’ll have it this year. Probably not. 4. What do you eat on Christmas EVE? We eat dinner at Fred’s father and stepmother’s house on Christmas Eve, so it depends on what they want to do. Some years it’s the traditional turkey, dressing, etc, and some years it’s something else. Last year or the year before we had an awesome casserole, though I can’t remember what it was called. 5. What do you eat on Christmas day? Some years, we make a turkey, some years we don’t do anything special. This year, since my parents, sister, and nephew will be here, we’ll probably do a big turkey dinner. 6. Do you like Eggnog? I do, but I don’t like to drink too much of it, or I get sick of it. I’ve been eyeballing the Eggnog shakes at McDonald’s, but they probably won’t live up to my memory of them. I sucked them down like mad when I worked there as a teenager. 7. Do you like candy canes? I like the occasional one. About The Decorations 1. Where do you hang your stockings? I hang the spud’s stocking over the fireplace, but my stocking doesn’t have a loop to hang it, so I lay it on the side of the mantel. 2. Do you put lights on your house? No, though I think it would look cool to have the house outlined in lights. We put single-bulb lights in each window facing the street. 3. Got any outside lawn decorations? Nope. 4. Do you put up a nativity? No, though I wouldn’t mind having a Precious Moments nativity. Fred would probably kill me, though. 5. Do you hang mistletoe under the door? Nope, haven’t done that since I was a teenager. 6. Got a wreath on your front door? Yes. Last year, I bought a fake one (with fake pinecones) and put a big red bow on it. It’s silly to spend $50 on a real one from LL Bean’s, when you can’t tell the difference from the street. 7. How long does it take you to decorate? An hour, if that. About The Movies/Shows 1. Favorite Children’s Xmas TV show/cartoon? The Grinch! 2. Wonderful Life / Miracle on 34th Street / A Christmas Carol…Which is the best? I’ve only seen Wonderful Life all the way through, so I guess I’ll choose that one. 3. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story. 4. Have you ever seen the Nutcracker Suite Ballet live? Yes. When I was a kid, I went with my ballet class (shut up, Fred) to Boston to see it there. 5. Ever been to the Radio City Music Hall Christmas show? No, though I’d love to someday. 6. Ever gone to the movies on Christmas Day? Not since I was 17 or so. 7. Did you know it’s the biggest day of the box-office? I did not, and I’m surprised. Maybe I’ll drag the family to the movies this Christmas Day. Other Christmas Things…. 1. Favorite Christmas book or story? The Gift of the Magi. 2. Do you stuff your stockings with any types of food? There’s usually some chocolate – usually Santas – in there, and when I was a kid, we got those books of Lifesavers. I’ve gotten those for the spud a few times, but she’s not crazy about them, I don’t think. 3. Do you go to church on Christmas or Christmas Eve? Nope. 4. Have you ever gone Caroling? Not since I was 10 or so and went with the Girl Scouts. 5. Favorite Christmas Carol? The Little Drummer Boy. 6. Do you believe in Santa? Of course. 7. Do you leave Santa cookies? Some years yes, some years no. 8. What about Rudolph…leave him anything? A carrot! 9. What was your best Christmas gift? This is terrible, but nothing comes to mind. I love all my Christmas gifts equally! 10. What was the worst/most odd gift? I’ve never gotten anything particularly odd, that I recall. 11. Do you go to a “work” Christmas party? Nope. Fred’s company is run by a bunch of Grinches. 🙂 12. Do you like/hate going to the “work” Christmas Party? I’m sure I’d enjoy it. 13. Do you send Christmas cards (handmade or bought)? I sure do – have you signed up for yours yet? 14. Do you make a “list”? I actually make a list of what we’ve bought for each person every year, and save it, so that when it’s time to make the list for the next year, I have something to go by. As for my own Christmas list, all I have is the Amazon wish list. 15. Do you check it twice? I check the list of what needs to be bought/ has been bought about two hundred times between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. 16. Have you been “naughty” or “nice”? That depends on who you ask. 17. Who’s on your list this year? You! 18. When do you start shopping? Usually not until the day after Thanksgiving, but I started earlier than that this year. 19. Do you shop on Black Friday? Only online. 20. ARE YOU READY FOR CHRISTMAS? Mostly!]]>

2002-12-09

Aimee. 1. Are you an innie or an outie? An innie. 2. Have you ever worn bell-bottoms? I seem to recall wanting bell-bottoms with all my heart when I was 7 or 8, but I don’t know that I ever actually got any. If I did, they were ones that my mother made, because my mother made almost all my clothes until I was a teenager (and did I appreciate that? NO. All I wanted was store-bought clothes, like all the other kids got to wear!) 3. Have you ever written a song? Yes, some very bad ones, and luckily they’ve disappeared into Bad Song Hell, along with the horrid poems I used to write. 4. Can you make change for a dollar right now? Yep, I have a latte cup full of change right next to my desk. 5. Have you ever been in the opposite sex’s public toilet? Yes, when Fred and I were flying to (or maybe from) Washington, DC last summer, I wasn’t paying attention, and followed him into the men’s room. Luckily I figured out what was going on before I went into a stall. 6. Have you ever smelled your own feet? Not recently, ’cause I’m not that limber. I’m sure I did it plenty when I was a kid, though. 7. Do you like ketchup on or beside your french fries? On. 8. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No, but I can wiggle my ears, roll my tongue, and raise my left eyebrow. 9. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout? Yes, for several years. I hated having to sell the cookies, though. 10. Have you ever broken a mirror? Yep, my rearview mirror. 11. Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole? I don’t think so. 12. What is your biggest pet peeve? People who won’t shut the fuck up and listen to reason (that’s my pet peeve of the moment, anyway). 13. Do you slurp your drink after it’s gone? Of course! 14. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? Yes – that’s the best way to mix the chocolate syrup in! 15. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper? A Big Mac, unless it’s a chicken Whopper, and then I’d prefer the Whopper. 16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? All the time when we lived in the other house and had a pool. 17. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic? Plastic. 18. True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza. At the moment, I’d rather have pizza, but that changes all the time. 19. Did you have a baby blanket? If I did, I don’t remember it. I do have a quilt that my mother made for me when I was 8 or 9 – possibly even younger – and I snuggle up under it and read in the chair in my bedroom. 20. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? Yes, I tried to cut my bangs once when I was in my mid-twenties, and did a horrible job. 21. Have you ever sleepwalked? Not that I know of. 22. Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds? Nope, but the spud did. She invited her entire 4th-grade class, and maybe four of them showed up. 23. Can you flip your eye-lids up? No, thank god. 24. Are you double jointed? Nope. 25. If you could be any age, what age would you be? If I could retain current knowledge, I’d go back to the age of 19. 26. Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair? Yes. Debbie, Brian, the spud and I were driving somewhere, and Brian (who was probably around the age of 2) got tired of the gum he was chewing, and spit it out into my hair. 27. Have you ever thrown-up after a roller coaster ride? No, but I’ve come close! 28. What is your dream car? A yellow VW Beetle. One of the new ones. 29. What is your favorite cartoon of all time? Bugs Bunny! 30. Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child? Probably. 32. Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit? No, but a friend in high school did, and she said it wasn’t bad. 33. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first? Scream my fool head off. 34. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Nope. 35. Can you pick something up with your toes? If I’m motivated enough. 36. How many remote controls do you have in your house? Oh… 10, maybe? That’s including the spud’s remote. 37. Have you ever fallen asleep in school? Yes, during study hall in high school. 38. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year? Four times – to and from Washington, DC, and to and from Maine. 39. How many foreign countries have you visited? Just one – Canada – that I’m aware of. I don’t think that Guam’s a foreign country, because it’s – I think – a US territory. 40. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal? No. What would be the point? 41. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? Has anyone said “rich and unhappy” yet? 42. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? You’re supposed to float, but since I’m no good in an emergency situation, I’d probably flail about until I was sucked under and drowned. 44. Do you ask for directions when you are lost? Not usually. I just keep driving until I figure out where I am. 45. Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean? Yes. 46. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland? Cinderella, I guess. 47. Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? Crayons. You can still color with broken crayons, but what the hell are you going to do with an empty ant farm? 48. Do you prefer light or dark bread? I suppose dark bread, because I’ve gotten into the habit, which just amazes me. After a lifetime of eating soft white bread, all there is in the house anymore is whole wheat. 49. Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs? Fried, as long as there’s toast to go with it. 50. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas? Just once, and I had the spud and Brian – who were both very young – with me. The only reason I ran out is because the gas gauge in my car suddenly stopped working, and I was supposed to keep an eye on how far I’d gone between filling up the tank, and had miscalculated. 51. Do you talk in your sleep? Sometimes. I don’t think I say anything very interesting, though. 52. Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn? Mow the lawn, though I’d rather do neither, really. 53. Would you rather be bitten by a poisonous snake or constricted by a python? Give me the poison. It goes faster, doesn’t it? 54. Have you ever played in the rain? When I was very young and we lived in Guam, and fall was rainy season, but very very warm all the same, we put on our bathing suits and played in the rain for hours one day. 55. Which do you think is more dangerous: an angry bear or a hungry white shark? An angry bear. The thought of those big, scary claws makes me shudder. 56. Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten? If I knew how to climb a tree, of course. 57. Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Not at all, though according to the Crocodile Hunter (who was on Oprah last week), crocs are “grumpier” than alligators. I don’t know about that man. He was kissing an alligator on the lips (if an alligator had lips) so fervently that I expected to see some tongue. 58. Do you drink pepsi or coke? Diet Coke. Which is amazing, considering that until 2 1/2 years ago, all I would drink was regular Coke, and never thought I’d give it up. 59. What’s your favorite number? 73. 60. If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car? A blocky, stocky SUV. 61. Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel? No, although when we were in Florida last summer, I desperately wanted to steal one of their yellow beach towels. 62. Would you blow your nose at the dinner table? I would, and I do. I guess I’m banned from Janet’s dinner table. 🙂 In my defense, I only do it when it’s Fred, the spud, and I. And I think I have better manners blowing my nose than they do with their constant farting. 63. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? I’m sure I have, but the only thing that sticks in my memory is a couple of years ago when I slipped stepping out of the shower, which isn’t the same thing. 64. Do you use regular or deodorant soap? I use Dove, which is not deodorant. 65. Have you ever locked yourself out of the house? I’ve accidentally been locked out (when my parents were visiting, and I gave them my key, and they were there when I got home), but I don’t know that I’ve ever locked myself out. 66. Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpsons voices? One of the Simpsons voices, especially if it was a character people quoted all the time. 67. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (I’m counting them as one). I’m sure I’d be starstruck, but it’d still be cool. Oh, wait! Strike that. I’d rather have Eric Schaeffer to dinner, because I watched If Lucy Fell last weekend, and I have to say that I just love him to death. 68. Have you ever gotten a truck driver to honk his horn? Of course. We drove across country from Michigan to California when I was 6 or so, and from Maine to Alabama when I was 10 or so. Getting truck drivers to honk their horns is one of the things we did to keep from falling apart from boredom. 69. Which would you rather live with: a huge nose or crossed eyes? A huge nose. 70. Would you hang out with someone your best friend didn’t like? Of course. What, my best friend doesn’t like this person, so I can’t hang out with them? What am I, whipped? 71. Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn’t like? I’d probably make the effort to be nice, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to do it. 72. Have you ever returned a gift? Nope. 73. Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you? Yep, though not in years, and I only did it twice. 74. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? Ice skating or gymnastics. 75. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t know, less than 10, I’d say. Which includes 3 pairs of sneakers. 76. If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her? Hell no. 77. Do you sing in the car? When the mood strikes me. Last week, I sang loudly along with Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. 78. Would you rather jump into a dumpster or into a vat of honey? Depends on what’s in the dumpster. I did a lot of dumpster diving when I was a kid, though, because I was searching for soda cans to recycle. 79. What is your favorite breed of dog? VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCE! 80. Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter? Hell yes. 81. If you were a bicycle, would you be a stingray or a mountain bike? I had to do a search to find out what a stingray is, and I guess that describes me better than a mountain bike. 82. What is your least favorite fruit? Cherries. I like cherry-flavored stuff, but can’t stand cherries themselves. 83. What kind of fruit have you never had? I don’t think I’ve ever had mango. 84. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? Target, maybe? 85. What brand sports apparel do you wear the most? The only sports apparel I wear is sneakers, so in that case, the answer would be Nike. 86. Are/were you a good student? Nope. One of the reasons I’ve never gone back to college is because I can’t even think of being stuck in a classroom listening to a droning teacher. Actually, I guess I was always a good student – got pretty good grades – but I loathed every moment of it. Proves that you can be good at something without loving it. But you notice I’ve never gotten a college degree. 87. Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat? They’d all kick my ass. 88. If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in? The Marines. If I could handle it, that is (and I doubt I could). 89. Would you ever parachute out of a plane? Hell yeah. 90. What do you think is your best feature? My sense of humor. Or my eyes. You pick. 91. If you were to win a grammy, what kind of music would it be for? My heartfelt rendition of “Stand By Yer Man.” Heh. I love that song, even though it’s the cheesiest song in existence. 92. What is your favorite season? Spring, followed closely by Fall. 93. How many members do you have in your immediate family? Fred, Spud, Debbie, Brian, Mom, Dad, Tracy, Randy, Gram, Uncle Joe, Chris, Mireya. 13. Is Tracy’s wife in my immediate family? That would make 14, if she was. 94. Which of the five senses is most important to you? Sight. 95. Would you be a more successful painter or singer? Singer, even I’m incredibly tone-deaf, and my singing voice could peel paint off a wall from 50 yards. That just shows you how untalented I am as a painter. 97. How many years will/did you end up going to college? Altogether, I went for about 2 years. I keep thinking that I should go back and get a degree, but see number 86. 98. Have you ever had surgery? Yes, tons. I had my tonsils removed, a tumor removed from my knee, a c-section, a cold cone biopsy (that’s female surgery, boys), and tubes put in my ears. 99. Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player? Football player, actually. I would probably enjoy kicking ass and taking names. 100. What do you like to collect? All sorts of smiley face stuff, o’ course. And if five of one kind can equal a collection (and I think it can), then I also collect cats:

]]>

2002-12-06

* * * I stumbled into the bathroom and glanced at myself in the mirror this morning, and was blinded by the zit on my nose. It was the size of Manhattan and glowing like Chernobyl, and popping it (shut up, I know you’re not supposed to, but I am helpless in the face of zits, helpless I say!) didn’t help at all. I suppose for the next few days, everytime I encounter someone, their gaze will automatically be drawn to the red, glowing spot between my eyes. They’ll try to politely look away, but will be completely unsuccessful, poor bastards.

* * *
Yesterday as I was lifting weights, I was listening to the Ace and TJ morning show, as I always do, because they’re funny as hell. (If you go to their affiliates page, they have some mp3s that you can listen to. I love the “Green Hair” one.)This particular morning, Yankee Pete (the grumpy old man of the bunch) was doing a Breaking and Entering Christmas, which is exactly what it sounds like – from the emails they receive, they choose a family, go to their house while the family isn’t there, break in, and leave a Christmas tree and a ton of gifts and gift certificates provided by listeners and local sponsors. Man, that would be the PERFECT job for me. If I could get a job where I went around and left presents for needy families all year round, I’d be about the happiest girl in the world. ESPECIALLY doing it anonymously, so they had no idea who’d left the gifts. That would rock.
* * *
My god do I love Stamps.com. They started out with internet postage, where you could print postage on labels (or directly onto envelopes), then had NetStamps, where you can print as many stamps as you need, in whichever denomination you need, and now they have plain paper labels, which you can tape to your package, and add delivery confirmation for thirteen cents per package. Too fucking cool, especially for people like us who send a lot of stuff through the mail.
* * *
The rash covering my body (from the bath oil I used last week) is starting to dry up, and for the last few nights I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with a back in serious need of scratching. Thank god for the back scratcher hanging on my side of the bed, that’s all I have to say. It freaks the cats out a little bit when I wake up and start flailing around for the back scratcher, and it freaks them out even more when the back scratcher makes a groaning noise (it’s called a “groan stick back scratcher”), but it’s absolute heaven to be able to reach the itchy spot. Speaking of the rash, I found a small blistery-looking spot on my arm the other day and worried that perhaps I’d picked up a nice case of impetigo somewhere, but it went away and nothing has taken it’s place. Unless it moved to my back, where I can’t see it. Note to Fred: look at my back when you get home. Impetigo, if you’ve never had the pleasure of dealing with it, is highly contagious. The spud, when she was 4 or 5, developed a case of impetigo (it never got as bad as the pictures on the page I linked up there) – I didn’t know what it was, but my mother suggested impetigo, and the doctor agreed. Soon after she was diagnosed, I discovered that her friend, who lived next door to us, and with whom she played every day, had developed impetigo a few days before, and her mother hadn’t bothered to let me know. Nice, huh?
* * *
I’m pleased to announce that I won the pre-lit Christmas tree I bid on on eBay last night. Someone swooped in and tried to outbid me in the last ten minutes of the auction, but I re-bid, and ended up victorious. Whoo! I’m thinking of buying a small tree, 2 or 3 feet high, to put in the living room, since the big tree will be shut away in the study, away from the cats and their evil tree-climbing ways, but Fred thinks we don’t need one. That won’t stop me, of course, but I’m still just in the “thinking about it” phase.]]>

2002-12-05

* * * Only in Alabama would the fact that Texas A&M is pursuing Crimson Tide coach Dennis Franchione be considered “breaking news.” Every time Oprah went to commercial yesterday, the “Breaking News” logo started, and the newspeople came on to let us all know that Texas A&M had requested permission to talk to Franchione. Big fuckin’ whoop. I, personally, would consider that “No one gives a shit news.” (Close your email clients, you damn Crimson-heads. I know you lurrrve your football team and all, but really. Breaking news?)

* * *
I think I’m in the process of winning a pre-lit Christmas tree on eBay. The biggest pain in the ass part of putting up the Christmas tree is putting on the lights, and I’m hoping to cut that step out. I’m all about the Holiday Laziness!]]>

2002-12-04

Bald Moses, who sent me this from my wish list:

I’m not ashamed of my Susan Elizabeth Phillips love, no I’m not. Fluff? Perhaps. But very entertaining fluff. Also on the “favorite people” list (which is getting very long these days!) is Evergreengirl, who sent me this:
Yes, a smiley-face ball, but not JUST a smiley-face ball. It lights up when it bounces! You’re jealous aren’t you? Well, you can’t have it! It’s miiiiiiiiine! If you come to visit, I might let you play with it, though.
* * *
I spent two hours wrapping presents last night. DVDs and books are just a pain in the ass to wrap, if you’ve ever wondered. And what’s more is that I’ve been informed by The Christmas Gestapo my sister that we’re doing stockings for my parents this year. I have no clue on earth what to get them. What’s funny is that Fred and I agreed not to do stockings for each other this year! Ah, well. I’m sure we’ll come up with something! She was also complaining that she’s already bought Brian’s presents, and he’s suddenly decided that he wants something else. Which brought me back to when I was 7 years old. As I was falling asleep on Christmas Eve, I suddenly decided that the thing I wanted most in the world was an Evel Knievel figure (this one, to be exact), which came with a motorcycle. I was certain, knowing that Santa would know what was in my heart, that I’d find Evel waiting for me under the Christmas tree the next morning. And when it wasn’t there, I was absolutely heartbroken. Damn Santa.
* * *
My god, what a crappy, dreary day it is. It’s been raining all day, and I made the mistake of trying to go for a walk this morning. I got to the end of our street, and was soaked to the thighs, even though I was wearing my raincoat. I made it about half a mile before I turned around and stomped back home. Damn rain. It’s a good day for snuggling up on the couch in front of a roaring fire, with a kitty, so I very well may do that. After I eat lunch, anyway. I am horribly, horribly behind in my email, so if you’re expecting a reply from me, it could be a while. I’d love to get caught up before my parents get here, but that may very well be a pipe dream, since I have email all the way back to sometime in October. The problem is that I sit down to respond to email, and instead of starting from the oldest email I have, I look at it, realize it requires more thought than I want to give at the moment, and go on to an easier one. Because I’m lazy. I also have the tendency to start responding from the bottom and move my way up. I have no idea why. Because I’m a dork, I guess.
* * *
I made coleslaw last night, using the new food processor (which, I don’t know if I mentioned it in here or not, it took Fred all of 30 seconds to get working. It appears that I hadn’t turned the top to the “locked” position), and I have to say that, aside from the fact that it spits little pieces of cabbage out the top of the food chute, I like it. I can shred an entire head of cabbage without having to empty the bowl, so two thumbs up to the food processor! The old food processor will probably show up on the giveaway page on Friday, if you’re interested.
* * *
Something on the floor? I think you know what to do.
]]>

2002-12-03

* * *

Something on the floor? Lay on it! Lay on it! Lay on it! Sit on it! Something on the table? Sit on it!
* * *
That was a very Poo-centric entry, wasn’t it? Here’s an old picture I don’t think I’ve shared. The cats were sniffing around something (we may have just given them some catnip), and Fred tossed a book at them, which freaked them out, as you can see.
The end. (Hahahaha! I slay me, I really do)
]]>

2002-12-02

effect that bath oil has on my skin. I did mention that I have airhead tendencies, did I not? The night before Thanksgiving, I filled the tub with warm-verging-on-hot water, relaxed with my book, and tossed three bath oil beads in the water. When I was done with my bath, my skin was so very soft, and I smelled so very good that I patted myself on the back for buying the beads. Smart, wonderful, good-smelling me, I thought happily. The afternoon of Thanksgiving, after we’d eaten and everyone had left – including Fred and the spud, who were going to take leftovers to Fred’s mom – I hopped in the tub, dropped three bath beads in again, and happily read for half an hour or so. Saturday morning – yes, two days after I’d last used the bath oil beads – I noticed that my arms were itchy, my back was itchy, and it was particularly itchy behind my knees. Which is when I realized that there’d been – garsh! – BATH OIL in those beads, and my skin doesn’t like bath oil. Particularly CHEAP bath oil. I spent all weekend itching and cursing myself, believe you me.

* * *
Okay, maybe I didn’t spend ALL weekend sitting on the couch, scratching my itchy parts and cursing myself. In fact, I MAY have spent part of Saturday out with Fred, buying (drum-roll please), a new CHAIR for the COMPUTER room!:
(Fancypants, quilt, and pillow not included…)
The cats, who don’t generally adjust well to changes, sniffed around the chair a little, and then adopted it as their own. Fancypants, especially, likes it. When I want to sit down, I invariably have to move him or Spanky, or even Miz Poo. Actually, it bothers Miz Poo to see another cat in the chair. She was the first to sniff it over and nap on it, so she seems to be under the impression that it’s hers. We got this chair at the same place as the other one. It was a factory special, and we basically showed up, loaded it in the car, and left (after paying, but before we could be talked into springing for any of the expensive options they could offer us). Fred doesn’t care for the shade of blue, but when it came down to buying this chair or paying another $100 or more to get it covered with a different fabric, he decided he was flexible on the subject. Now I need to decide what we desperately need next…
* * *
Nance, being a woman of great taste and style, sent me a few items to contribute to my happy holidays. Could she have chosen any better? I think not!
My god, just looking at those pictures makes me giggle like a goon. How did she know I like smiley faces, though? It’s a mystery!]]>