God, I was about to go on break, and here she came. I could set my damn watch by her – every Tuesday morning like clockwork between 11:30 and 11:45, she comes walking through the door with that air of cluelessness and in the midst of an obvious bad-hair day. I predict she has to go back to get something she forgot at least twice. No, let’s make it interesting – at least three times. Her little post-it list is covered pretty heavily with scrawlings, so I’d say either they ran out of a bunch of stuff between Saturday and today, or they only made a half-assed list for Saturday’s run, when her husband comes.
Like always, she eyeballs the bakery, and the single slices of cake, takes a big, deep breath of the sugar-laden air, then practically has to force herself to head for the produce section.
These people eat more salad than anyone I’ve ever seen, swear to god. What’s worse is she always digs back to the back of the bags of salad so she’ll get the bags that have the later expiration date. I ask, what the hell’s the point of that? Her husband will be back in here on Saturday, buying several more bags. Produce Joe has tried sticking the about-to-expire bags of salad way in the back first thing Tuesday mornings, but she always looks at the expiration dates, I guess, ’cause it hasn’t worked yet.
STOP LOOKING AT THE EXPIRATION DATES, LADY. JUST TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND KEEP IT MOVING ALONG.
Damn, no fruit for her today – that’s a first. She stops to eyeball the plants, checks the prices, thinks about it, and buys an elephant ear plant in an overpriced ceramic pumpkin planter. If she waited two days, it’d be marked down to half-price. Not that she cares, I guess. Damn yuppies with their damn big-ass SUVs.
;){kind=link}
Shit, she looked at me; I better pretend I’m dusting the shelf.
Down she goes, Aisle 1. She grabs a couple of cans and tosses them in the cart, then heads down Aisle 2, and 3.
Oh, wait, she’s gone back to Aisle 1. I don’t know what she’s looking for, but she’s not finding it, even though she stared down every damn can in the aisle. Is she going to ask me? Nope, big surprise. She never asks anyone where anything is. Maybe we just don’t carry what she wants, but I find that hard to believe. We’re the best damn grocery store in the area, if I may say so myself.
Back to Aisle 3, quick walks down Aisles 4 and 5, and there she goes! She’s going back to the front of the store to load up on Diet Coke. 2 12-packs for $5, ya just can’t beat that. She loads 4 12-packs into her cart and heads to the shampoo aisle.
HOW LONG CAN IT TAKE TO PICK OUT A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?
She picks up three different bottles of shampoo and puts them back before deciding on the Suave Strawberry. Smells good, and it’s only 79 cents, can’t beat that, either.
She goes by the seafood department, and just like every week, she slows down to stare at the sushi, like she can’t decide whether to buy some or not. Then, with a glance at the sushi chefs, she heads for the frozen-foods section.
Man, I guess I’m going to lose that bet. She’s only gone back twice so far…
Boca burgers and waffles go into her cart, and she stops to stare longingly at the Sara Lee cakes, but she doesn’t even take out a box and check the nutritional information this week. She doesn’t even glance at the ice cream, either – what’s up with that?
She heads for the checkout line – lucky for her, there aren’t any lines – and checks out her list one last time.
Yes! She heads back to Aisle 1 and grabs four cans of mushrooms!
I win again.
And off she goes, back to wherever she lives, to do whatever it is she does, until next Tuesday between 11:30 and 11:45.
Who tells stories about you?
—–]]>