Finished your Christmas shopping yet? Are you STUMPED trying to come up with the perfect gift for one of those hard to buy for relatives or friends? Do you kinda wanna punch them in the nose when they shrug and say “Oh, just get me any ol’ thing!”?
LOOK NO FURTHER.
In these cold and gray days of winter, all anyone wants to do is bundle up in front of the fire and not move ’til Spring, am I right?
But unfortunately, there are things like “jobs” that are even more unfortunately not located near fires where you can bundle up and keep warm.
What is a cold person to do? What oh what?
I HAVE THE SOLUTION FOR YOU!
The ACME Portable FURnace is here to save the day! You just take this super-warm little ball of fluff, put it on your shoulder, and although it has a head that is stuffed with marshmallow fluff, it SENSES where the warmth is needed the most, and it will settle there!
NO difficult and messy settings, no annoying electric cords! You put the ACME Portable FURnace on, and forget it’s there!
You can place it on your shoulder for easy kissing access, or you can place it on the back of your neck for maximum warmth! A little rub between the FURnace’s shoulder blades turns on the vibrating massage function!
You’re taking phone calls! You’re filling out reports! You’re even attending meetings! AND NO ONE KNOWS IT’S THERE, KEEPING YOU WARM! If you weren’t so toasty and warm, you’d hardly know it was there yourself! It runs so smoothly it purrs!
SET IT AND FORGET IT!
The ACME Portable FURnace recharges itself AS YOU USE IT! Give it a bowl of food and some water, empty it occasionally in the nearest litter box, let it stretch its legs while YOU sleep, and it’s ready to go again the next morning!
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
Call 1-800-FLUF-HED and place your order today! Act now, and for a short time only, you can get TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! One can keep you warm while the other one is off whining about how hungry it is despite the fact that it JUST ATE!
Don’t delay! Order now for Christmas delivery!
Disclaimer: ACME Portable FURnaces are guaranteed to be as adorable as the one pictured above, but may not be as well-behaved; some FURnaces occasionally emit fountains of vomit down your back with no warning and for no particular reason; FURnaces are sometimes known to walk through their own feces and track it all over the place, leading one to sniff and say “Does it smell like butt in here to you?; FURnaces need to have their claws trimmed regularly or may shred your clothing in an attempt to keep their claws sharp; wearing loose clothing is unadvised, as the FURnace may take it as an invitation to go exploring and then pop its head out the front of your shirt to see what’s going on; FURnaces may regard hair as an attractive snack; FURnaces sometimes sneeze and get snot all over the nearest surface (which could be the back of your head); FURnaces will sometimes develop the habit of sitting an inch from your face in the middle of the night and howling “MAO? MAO? MAO?” until your brains leak out your ears; FURnaces are self-cleaning and may interrupt important meetings making smacking noises as they loudly clean their nether regions; though self-cleaning, FURnaces might need the occasional bath (see above regarding walking through their own feces) – use gentle shampoo and the warmest and fluffiest of towels when bathing the FURnace; do not shake the FURnace; do not let the FURnace get cold; speak kindly and gently to the FURnace; do not yell or scream at, shake, fold, spindle or mutilate the FURnace.
Previously
2008: Fred laughed and laughed and laaaaaaaaughed, because it’s always funny when someone else is the idiot, isn’t it?
2007: Miss Stinky Seethes.
2006: No entry.
2005: It’s the little things that amuse us, obviously.
2004: Mister Boogers does his Donald Trump impression
2003: FUCKING spam.
2002: Are you an innie or an outie?
2001: No entry.
2000: No entry.
1999: God, the smell.
Ohhhh, I WANT one!!!!!!!
I’m so happy to have you back on Wednesdays! (I admit it — I can’t be bothered to go to Love and Hisses.)
Oh, I know – it wasn’t ’til yesterday when I was bitching about other bloggers sending people to other places to read their stuff that I realized how ANNOYING that is. 🙂
I agree–it is much easier/nicer to have everything in one place. Thank you! 🙂
I want one, too! Thanks for that–it’s a dreary day here in NYC and that really made me laugh!
I have one of the large models but would love to be extravagant and have a few smaller appliances. The larger models would disapprove smaller models in HER home.
You could have one around your neck, and a couple on your feet – imagine how toasty and warm you’d be then! 🙂
I’ll take two please. Better ship them UPS overnight.
We have these in the compact Guinea Peeg model: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2446/3546916440_239fae7640.jpg
Agh! Too cute! They’re even MORE portable!
I need several please,but the phone number seems to be out of order right now. Hmmm maybe it’s the blizzard that left 10+” of snow on my doorstep last night. Please advise once the number is back up and running again. Also, do you offer trade-ins? I have 3 older models, but they don’t see to care about keeping me warm anymore. Well, I lied – they do keep my lap warm, but not my shoulders and sometimes they disappear at the worst times – when I need them most!
I WANT a kitty! But, I don’t want it to grow up to be a rotton cat. Do you have any models that stay small and sweet?
Val
Dear Robyn,
I need the help of you or your readers. I’m a fool. A tired fool. I’m working retail (Target Seasonal) for the first time in too many years. I always did give the clerks at store a break because I know it’s hard work, but I now have a new apprecation of how hard it is for the old, fat ladies to stand on their feet all day running to the checkout from the back of the store everytime they are paged.
So here’s my problem, I come home tired, tired and achy. Yesteray, I fell asleep with potpourri on the stove and was awaken by the fire alarm. Yep – the place was smoke city. OK – so I did this not once, but twice yesterday. So, any ideas how to get the smell of burnt potpourri out of one’s house? I have the pot on the stove simmering away (using my timer on my stove to keep me alert that it’s bubbling away, but it’s not really helping). I’ve also tried some candles. Can anyone help? It’s a blizzard outside right now, but I can pick up some air freshner’s tomorrow AT WORK, but they have to be mild since I’m allergic to flowery or strong scents.
Wonderful comical entry, Robyn. You could earn a living at this stuff!
WANT WANT WANT! oh wait I already have two…STILL WANT!
You forgot to mention that FURnaces are not hypo-allergenic.
Too funny Robyn! I’ll take four.
I have a larger model FURnace and he likes to sit close to my face on my pillow in the middle of the night. Sometimes the purring wakes me up, other times is is the paw in face or the fluff in the nose.
I want one too, but you might want to expand that disclaimer to say Do not dry your FURnace in the dryer. 🙂
Great entry! I think you have a winner there and I expect to see you on late night television real soon. Lots of FURnaces need a home and the weather is purrfect for snuggling.
You can use the FURnace while filling out reports? TPS reports too? Is it safe to use while making a cover sheet?
I have two large models, one with extra fluffy, long floof for those truly freezing winter days. Her vibrating function is particularly soothing as well.
(omigosh I laughed so hard, you are so flipping brilliant + funny that I had to tweet this link out to may cat loving buddies who, I am sure, will die from the cute!)
If you get enough FURnaces, you could wear them as a full body Snuggie™. Actually, I think Robyn definitely has enough for a Snuggie™. Maybe two.
Now that DOES look comfy! Great entry.
I think you (and most of your readers) will get a chuckle out of this doggie video — with dogs actually decorating the christmas tree.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo
If only I could get my 2 trained that well, I’d never have to do housework again! LOL
Robyn, I just showed my cat lovin’ daughter your website and some of your cat pics, and she asked me to tell you that you are one lucky lady to have all that lovin’! She has 2 rescued kittehs herself and let me tell you, they are treated like royalty in her home. It would make you proud 🙂
I think I need some of the small size FURnaces. The two large models I have are not interested in being snuggly (unless they need to warm themselves up).
Perhaps if you did a demo at the pet store, people would stock up on FURnaces.