Today, my uterus is gloating because had things gone as planned, it would be GONE. Instead, it’s here to make my life annoying and bloaty and crampy for another threeish weeks.
Gloat on, my friend. I’LL WIN IN THE END, even if I have to evict you myself with a rusty fork and a cat to mop my brow while I’m operating!
A few months ago, I was running low on multi-vitamins, so I did a casual look around the internet to see where I could find them the cheapest. I buy Bariatric Wellness multi-vitamins (and calcium) because they’re chewable and thus (one assumes) easy to absorb. Also, I take two big-ass glucosamine/ choindroitin pills every morning, and the chewable multi-vitamins coat my mouth so that I can get the glucosamine pills down without gagging on the taste.
Anyway, either they were cheapest the Bariatric Advantage main site, or I decided to just get them there because I could get calcium and iron at the same time. In any case, I placed the order and eventually it arrived.
Then a week after it arrived, I was going somewhere and checked my cell phone (I rarely check my cell phone unless I’m bored or on my way out the door – thus the reason, if you text me, I tend not to get back to you for hours) and saw that I had a message. It was Bob from Bariatric Advantage who was just calling to make sure I’d gotten my order and OH, did I know that I could sign up for recurring shipping so that when Bariatric Advantage’s records had determined that it was time for me to be running low, rather than me having to do all that pesky logging onto the computer and placing the order, they’d just SEND me what I needed and charge my card? Was I aware of this super-fabulous option? WAS I? Bob wanted to let me know that he was there for me whenever I needed, I could just give him a call and sign up for the recurring bullshit AT ANY TIME.
I rolled my eyes and erased the message.
I got, basically, the same message a few weeks later, rolled my eyes, thanked god that I hadn’t given them my home phone number (the cell phone is much easier to ignore, given that I only hear it ringing if I happen to be right there on top of it), and erased the message.
Then there was, basically, radio silence from Bariatric Advantage until last week. Apparently a red flag went up in the Bariatric Advantage database and an alarm signal was generated throughout the building and people went running to and fro screaming that “OH MY GOD ROBYN AND3RSON IS OUT OF MULTI-VITAMINS, SHE MUST BE, IT IS TIME, WE MUST BE SURE THAT SHE IS TAKING HER VITAMINS!”, because I got another call from Bob.
Eye roll, delete.
Two days later, another call.
Eye roll, delete.
And then they decided to get serious and hit me where I live. Those fuckers sent me an email.
DearRobyn:
Thank you for choosing Bariatric Advantage for your all your micronutrient needs. We are following up in regards to the order that was placed on 9/28/2009.
We at Bariatric advantage want to ensure you are staying compliant with your doctor’s orders. If, you are ready to place a new order please contact us at (blah blah blah).
Oh hello, WHAT THE FUCK? You want to “ensure” that I am staying “compliant” with my doctor’s orders? I’m so sorry, am I 10 years old? Do I need you fucking assholes to come along and watch over me and make sure I chew my chewable vitamin every day?
No, thank you, I’m 42 years old and I have somehow managed to figure out the terribly complicated vitamin regimen my doctor has put me on. I know that many of we post-gastric bypass surgery patients are drooling goddamn idiots and somehow “Two multi-vitamins every day” is beyond us, and THANK GOD we have you to prod us into staying COMPLIANT. Could you maybe send someone over to slap me upside the head if I forget to swallow after I chew my multi-vitamin, because I AM SO STUPID I need you to tell me how to live my life correctly.
You may certainly go fuck yourself, Bariatric Advantage, because I do not need you standing over me making sure I’m “compliant*” because oh, right, YOU HAVE MY BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. My best interests which are, you know, attached directly to your profit margin.
ALSO, maybe spend a little less time harassing people who have purchased from you once and WILL NEVER PURCHASE FROM YOU EVER AGAIN, and maybe proofread your goddamn form emails.
So I’m dumping Bariatric Advantage. Other post-WLS patients, I know you’re out there – what NON Bariatric Advantage supplements do you recommend?
*LOATHE LOATHE LOATHE the word “compliant” when used in that way because it implies (to me) that you are a stupid, troublesome patient and also that MY DOCTOR IS THE BOSS OF ME AND HE IS NOT. I also CANNOT STAND “denies”, as in when your doctor says “Do you have a headache?” and you say “No” because, well, you do not have a headache and then your doctor writes “Pt. denies headache” AS IF YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING.
How AWESOME are you guys? Answer: SUPER AWESOME! Misty, the sweet kitten who needs surgery for her megacolon is a mere $135 away from being fully funded!
You guys are absolutely awesome – thank you to everyone who has donated, and to everyone who’s spreading the word. I’m sure if Misty could, she’d hunt every one of you down and snorgle you ’til you begged for mercy.
You can read more about Misty here.
“Who, ME?”
Keeping an eye on Fred.
THAT ain’t a look o’ love!
Once these guys are calm enough around us, I’m going to break out the brush and see how they like being brushed. They could certainly use some brushing!
“Just hanging out on the dining room table, reading my Jack Reacher book. You got a problem with that?”
Previously
2009: Eric Stoltz makes a REALLY good creepy serial killer.
2008: We were in bed asleep by 10:00, because we are such the party people.
2007: No entry.
2006: No entry.
2005: Yeah, it doesn’t take a whole lot to make us laugh, I guess.
2004: Now isn’t there anything we can do to force Joey Buttafuoco back into obscurity?
2003: So if you meet me in person and expect a “Mighty fucking fine to meet you, fuckface!”, you’ll likely be disappointed.
2002: Wrong on that one, Brigitte. Trust me.
2001: No entry.
2000: No entry.
Steely Dan kinda looks like a furry Mister Boogers.
Ok… the word “compliant” bugs me too (and I’m a nurse!), but writing things like “pt. denies headache” is what we HAVE to write to indicate (per documentation standards) that we actually ASKED you if you had a headache and you replied that “no” you didn’t. It stupid, but to legally cover our butts in this litigious world, its one of those things you get used to. I could come into a room, not say a word to you, and document that you were “sitting quietly in no apparent distress,” but if I didn’t actually ASK you if you have pain, then we could get into court and you could say you were in the worst pain of your life and I did nothing about it, and without documentation to back me up that you, in fact, denied being in any pain… I’d be up shit creek. YAY? Hope that makes sense… its still ridiculous though.
Oh, it makes total sense, and I realize it’s not like the doctor/ nurse is writing it that way because they don’t believe me. In fact, I was going to say y’all should use “claim” instead (“Patient claims no headache”), but that also sounds like “Patient CLAIMS no headache, but is clearly a great big liar.” Heh. Obviously, nothing would make me happy! 🙂
I second this statement, also as an RN! Documenting “pt denies headache” is the most concise way to document “I asked the patient if she had a headache and she said she didn’t.” Trust me, no one in the healthcare field reads a statement like “pt denies headache” and thinks to themselves “Hmmm, I bet she really has one and just won’t tell us!!!”
What everyone says. I understand the reason for “denies,” but hate it, especially when it’s applied to me.
(Me = medical transcriptionist, not nurse or anything)
My pet peeve* is “admits,” because it’s usually used in conjunction with “depression.” “The patient admits she has had a history of depression.” You almost never hear “The patient admits to a history of hypertension” or “The patient admits having had a tonsillectomy.” But patients are always “admitting” depression, or anxiety. Shhhh…. don’t tell! (Patients also “admit” smoking, but only “report” alcohol intake, unless it’s more than a drink a day, in which case it’s also “admitted.”)
My mother got a copy of an ER visit sheet one time, and asked me to translate all the abbreviations for her. She wanted to know why it said she was “in care of” abdominal pain (or whatever it was). I said, “No, the ‘c/o’ means ‘complaining of.'”
She. Had. A. FIT.
“I WAS NOT COMPLAINING! I NEVER COMPLAIN!” (Me: “…No, of course you don’t. Ahem.”) She was seriously offended because they “called her a complainer.” Oy.
*My other bit pet peeve is a bit more specific – I type for a couple of pain specialists, and they talk about how “the patient is exhibiting pain behaviors.” This is a bad thing, by the way, not a statement of fact. I can’t articulate it without going into tiresome detail, but just trust me – there’s a BIG difference between when they say “The patient is in severe pain” and “The patient is exhibiting pain behaviors.”
Every time I hear them say that, I send out a little wish to the universe, that they wind up with the kind of pain syndromes some of us experience, where YES, you damn well fucking ARE “exhibiting pain behaviors,” because you’ve been IN pain for months and the fucking doctors don’t take you seriously, and you’ve run smack out of stoicism.
I prefer Celebrate vitamins hands down to BA. They have a mandarin orange chewable multi that tastes like candy. It’s also much more smooth and not so gritty. Slightly more expensive, but worth it in my book.
I just made my contribution to Misty! What a sweetheart she is!! 😀
And your latest fosters {they’re both boys, right?} are so gorgeous!! I love me some long haired kittehs! 😀
oooh, Jack Reacher! I’m currently going through “Gone Tomorrow”. “61 Hours” won’t be available in the UK until March 18.
[hmmm, I was just about to bitch about how everything comes out so much later over here but noticed on the am@zon site it won’t be out in the US until May]
Robyn…you have my utmost appreciation for posting Misty’s story for all to see. In less than four days we are almost at goal…thank you for taking the time to spread the word. Between you and the your friends, you are going to make one little kitty a very happy and blessed girl…healthy too!! My thanks to everyone who contributed, almost 50 animal lovers…AWESOME!!!!!!! With respect and best wishes to all, Suzanne
Per my Doc. I take 3 (wal-mart brand) One source multivitamins a day. I had complete labs done at 6 months and one year. Both were spot on PERFECT. I also take fish oil, calcium ect…
You can save about $40.00 a month by switching over to OneSource.
I’ve started taking the Calcet Creamy Bites Lemon Cream for my calcium. I love it. Wee bit expensive though. I struggled with the huge Building Blocks calcium.
Cleopatra my soul cat loved being brushed. I started at a young age and she always enjoyed it. I hope Fagen and Steely Dan do too. I use the term compliant because my bf is a nurse and one sister too. Once when I was a patient my nurse thought I was a nurse too because the “nurse jargon” had rubbed off on me.
Does the ear in the second picture looked like some photoshopped skull picture to anyone else? Is that weird?