Vote for Suzanne!!!
Good Mood Gig from SAM-e
FOAM pics of the day.
Food: Teeny, tiny egg. Looks like we’ve got a new lay-er.
Outside: The cat bird house on the front porch. Well, it’s made to be a bird house, but I just use it as decoration.
Abstract: The sun through a sheet on the line.
Myself: Couldn’t get a picture I liked, so I used them ALL.
Turkeys, I think you will be shocked to find out, are amazingly stupid. If the Cookies’ heads are filled with marshmallow Fluff, then chickens’ heads are filled with lint, and turkeys’ heads are filled with nothing but pure air.
Chickens are stupid, but compared to the turkeys, they are the EINSTEINS of the poultry world.
Every morning – EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MORNING – the turkeys fly over the fence at the front of the back forty. And then?
Then they get lost. They wander around the side yard, making sad weeting sounds, like “We are lost. Where is home? Is this food? Let me try to eat it. Why is that cat looking at me. Are we home? Where’s home?”
See, the problem is that they are big and strong enough to fly OVER the fence, but they are too incredibly stupid to know how to fly BACK over the fence.
So every morning, when I judge that they’re getting too close to the driveway (I know it’s just a damn matter of time before the fucking idiots go wandering up the driveway and into the road, where they’ll become roadkill AND THEY WILL DESERVE IT), I go out and herd them back to the back forty.
They are always SUPER relieved to get back into their yard, and they practically kiss the ground and go around the coop to make sure nothing has changed in their absence, and they eat like they haven’t eaten in days.
And two hours later, having FORGOTTEN that they are easily lost when they fly over the fence, back over the fence they fly.
My day consists of scooping litter boxes, wiping kitten asses, and leading GODDAMN STUPID FUCKING TURKEYS back to their yard.
I know you envy me.
“Are THIS my home?”
“Are THIS my home?”
“Are THIS my home?”
“Are THIS my home?”
“Are THIS my home?”
“This are not my home! This are a Poltergeist tree!”
Here. Watch a five minute-long movie of me herding the goddamn turkeys back into their yard. I think I tell them 300 times how fucking stupid they are. Try to contain your excitement.
I had my appointment for my annual gynecological exam on Tuesday morning. Why is it that when they tell me to get undressed and put on the cheap paper cape and lap cover, I always get undressed SUPER FAST and run over to the exam table (which starts out as a chair, then reclines when the gynecologist is going to do the exam), because I am EVER SO CERTAIN that she’s going to come in any second now?
And then I sit there on the table and I wait. And I wait. Then I wait some more. And I can always SEE my book across the room, sticking out of my purse, which is sitting on top of my pile of clothes (underwear neatly tucked under my jeans because OH MY GOD WHAT IF THE GYNECOLOGIST SEES MY PANTIES!). My book mocks me, and I consider running over to get it and then running back to the table, only I never do, because I am the ultimate optimist, and I am EVER SO CERTAIN that she’s JUUUUUUST about to walk in and OH MY GOD WHAT IF THE GYNECOLOGIST SEES MY BARE ASS!
So I sit and I sit and I hear her going into allllll the rooms around me, but never mine. I imagine hell must consist of an eternity of waiting for the gynecologist to come in and stick that GODDAMN BOTTLE BRUSH up where the sun don’t shine and then SCRAPE IT ALL AROUND. The anticipation is always the worst part.
At least I never get cold while I’m sitting there waiting, so there’s that.
Also, I learned (because I could hear her talking in the next exam room over) that cervical cancer is an extremely slow-growing cancer and it’s generally caught with pap smears before it goes from dysplasia to cancer, and never once in her 130 years of practice has my gynecologist had to treat a case of cervical cancer.
Because they always catch the dysplasia with the pap smears and then remove the dysplasia-ed area, I guess.
Or something. I don’t remember every word, but I think that was the gist of it.
Finally, she came in and we discussed that I am on birth control and yet still spotting like a spotting motherfucker and I said to her “Whatever it takes, I’m getting tired of this, it’s gotten to be a HUGE PAIN IN THE MOTHERFUCKING ASS (except it sounded more like “It’s gotten to be a real pain.”) and I know women who dealt with this shit for years and I AM UNWILLING.”
She looked at the ultrasound I had back in June, and said something about the fibroid that would make it difficult to do… some procedures that she might recommend. She did not clarify what those procedures might be, now that I think about it.
And I straightened up in my classy paper cape, and I made meaningful eye contact with her and I said “Oh, I don’t mind getting SUPER AGGRESSIVE, THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE WITH ME, THE AGGRESSIVENESS, AND IF I AM NOT MAKING MYSELF CLEAR LET US DO THE YANKY-YANK ON THAT MOTHERFUCKING UTERUS, SHALL WE?”
She made a note (“patient does not get along with uterus, wants to break up”, I assume) and said that before she could make a suggestion on what the next step would be, she’d want to get an updated ultrasound and I considered saying “Couldn’t you just rip that bitch out?”, but she’s the professional and all, and I have fairly decent insurance, so what the fuck? I suppose I can withstand another transvaginal ultrasound. I have no pride left.
WHATEVS.
So next week I go for an ultrasound, and I do not doubt that she’ll suggest something like an endometrial ablation, but if I’m lucky, she’ll be all “Oh, whatever. I’ve got nothing fun going on next week. LET’S RIP THAT BITCH OUT!”
A girl can dream.
PS: The physical exam showed no problems, which DUH, I knew it wouldn’t. I think we can all agree that my uterus needs to be set free to wander the world and cause spotting elsewhere, don’t you think?
Bratty teenage attitude commencing in 4… 3… 2…
What you cannot tell from this picture is that Hydrox is a solid little thing. I swear to god, it’s like picking up a brick.
Also, he likes to be kissed.
Did I mention that Pink is now bottle-free? I stopped giving her her bottle three days ago, I think, because at feeding time we were taking her out to the living room to give her her bottle, and she was acting like “Oh, ::sigh::, alRIGHT, I’ll drink the bottle.”, so at the next feeding time we didn’t give her a bottle, and guess what?
She lived.
And she’s gaining weight. I never see her eating, but she’s gotta be eating something – she’s up to a pound and a half as of last night!
Sneaky little brat.
As of today, we’ve had the Cookies for one month. I can’t believe it’s only been a month – it seems like we’ve always had them!
I’d say Mike’s got the head tilt down pat.
Please understand that this is Spanky’s box, and if you touch it, he will MESS YOU UP. Sure, he looks like a sweet old guy, but he’s no lightweight.
Previously
2008: Can’t connect to the internet, new entry will have to wait ’til tomorrow.
2007: “IF HE RUINED THIS CAMERA, I AM GOING TO TAKE HIM OUT TO THE BACK FORTY AND SHOOT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE GODDAMN HEAD!” I bellowed at Fred, who made an I’m-listening-really-this-is-fascinating noise and kept clicking around the internet.
2006: No entry.
2005: No entry.
2004: Questions answered.
2003: Pictures.
2002: Just another example of my weirdness.
2001: God in heaven, has the WORLD GONE NUTS?
2000: “Oh, you’re giving us the COT free of charge? Well, let me do a friggin’ happy dance for that!”
1999: “Lookit them buildings, Fray-uhd! They’s so TALL! And look! A homeless person. Give him money, Fred! Give him money!”
Those stupid turkeys have YOU very well trained!!!!
Indeed they do! 🙂
Why don’t you use SCOOP HANDS??
I watched your movie and my pug went absolutely mental. He’s looking all over the house for turkeys and barking at chairs. Pugs are stupid too.
Have you seen this pug t-shirt? Is mean, but funny. And having had Winston, my cousin’s pug while they were out of town, kind of accurate.
http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=SHEL-ANATOMY-SHIRT&Category_Code=SHEL
Can you clip turkey’s wings? I don’t know anything about turkeys, but I just wondered 🙂
Thank you for the Spanky picture (my favourite)
I think you can, but Fred was opposed to it for a reason I don’t remember. I’ll have to ask and see what it was he told me, again.
Well then he should be the one herding the dumbass turkeys back home!!!
I’m having husband issues today. Can you tell?
Hee. Well, when he’s home, he does. When he’s at work, turkey duty falls to me. 🙂
Oh, Hydrox. I want to squeeze him! He’s got that tuxedo cat thing where the white fur is longer than the black fur thing going on. Plus the white whiskers and eyebrows. He looks a lot like Gwennie at that age. I cannot resist a tuxedo kitten.
I can’t watch the turkeys (I’m at work) but I will tonight. BUT I had a hysterectomy (spelling looks funny?) and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT. It was the best thing I ever did and I am always on the lookout now for more organs I can do away with. (Haven’t found any. Also, not sure the uterus is an organ.) Anyway, I had a similar attitude to yours and my recovery time was piffle. A coworker of mine at the time was emotionally attached to her uterus (see: break, give me a; she was over fifty for the love of god) and she took forfuckingever to recover, most of which I firmly believe was MENTAL.
Didn’t mean to ramble. In sum: Uterus giving you trouble? Throw the bitch out.
So with you, Paula. I had a hysterectomy the month I turned 40. Fibroids, amemia, blah blah blah…good times! I call it my 40th birthday present to myself! I highly recommend it too. After I had it I thought “Why the hell did I wait so long?”
When I had a vaginal ultrasound it was a superhot guy that was the tech…I thought I was going to die when he handed me that wand and told me to “insert it” you know where….Oh the shame!!
Later on they did let me break up with the old uterus.Gotta say…hysterectomys rock! I felt like doing cartwheels every time I got near the Tampax aisle.
Good luck to you and your uterus . lol
You sound like me at the ob/gyn. I am infertle (cannot have children). So why keep the equipment?? My understanding is, back in our mother’s day, doctors used hysterectomies as a fast-track to wealth. I mean really, we always heard of Mrs. Whatsis or Mrs. Whosit who had a hysterectomy blah blah blah at the drop of a hat. It was the Botox of the day… Now? Doctors rarely do this surgery unless there is an underlying medical condition (which I don’t have, either, Robyn!)so even with my fibroids, which don’t cause any discomfort, I am not eligible. Thank Good ness for early menopause (which I am in now) so I have not had Aunt Flo visit in about 2 years. Yay!
I begged any number of doctors for years to rip that sucker out, and met with a surprising amount of resistance. It seems they are not permitted (by ethics, or oaths or something) to remove organs that are healthy but just annoying to the wearer. Anyway, I got past it, and I guess I’ll just have to live with it for the rest of my time left.
Stupid doctors with their stupid ethics!
But I’m thinking – if my uterus were healthy, would I be spotting all the time? I think NOT.
As it says in the Bible, IF THINE UTERUS OFFENDS THEE, PLUCK IT OUT!
(Hee.)
I’ve been seeing a fertility doctor, and have had so many of those transvaginal ultrasounds in the past year that I don’t even care anymore if it’s some strange student doctor sticking a wand up my hooha. I DEFINITELY have no pride left.
That turkey parade was quite a bit of work for you. But they seem to like you (as if I could tell) and at least follow along.
Reading your uterus perils, I recall the bad-ol-40s and the spotting, flooding, etc. I was ready to part with mine too, but doc kept saying no. Fortunately for me I had an early menopause at 48. Other than the hot flashes, which finally ended a couple years later, I had no other issues. I sure do NOT miss the mess and aggravation of periods. Argh. Two of my sisters had endometrial ablation; one worked fine, the other didn’t and she ended up with a hysterectomy — which she said was well worth it.
I don’t know that they like me so much as they liked the cup of cracked corn I kept shaking at them. They LOVE that stuff! 🙂
Could you clip turkeys feathers so they cant fly that high? I had a friend that would take her cokatiels (sp?) to have their wings clipped to prevent them flying into high places when she let them out of their cages for the day.
Had the uterus problem, Now I have the menopause problem. that can be just as bad.
Maybe. I seem to remember Fred had some objection or another to clipping their wings, though. I’ll have to ask him about that, I don’t recall exactly what the objection was.
1. “Marauding around like a bunch of assholes…” BWAAAHAHAHAHAAA
2. You didn’t drop the F-bomb ONCE in that whole video. Which makes me think you were being polite because the camera was on. I bet you don’t sweet talk the turkeys nearly as much when you’re not being filmed! 😀
3. My husband is boggling anew at the fact that you and I apparently sound EXACTLY alike when we talk.
Tell the truth – were you a LITTLE disappointed that I didn’t swear like a sailor? 😀
Well, maybe just a little.
I don’t know about Laura…but I was a little disappointed…just saying…
Who knew that “here turkey-turk” was the way to call a turkey???? 🙂
Hey, you learn something new every day – that bit of information could come in handy one day, make sure you file it away under “important stuff”! 😀
If you hurry, maybe our uteri can get a group rate. I’m sending mine packing next month!
I had the pleasure of living with two stupid turkeys during my stint in rural America. They were not only stupid, but mean. Yours are warm and fuzzy and make me want to knit them sweaters.
This video very much reminds me of my very favorite Murphy Brown episode EVER. Remember the Thanksgiving one where Faith Ford tries luring the live turkeys into the oven?
They could do assembly-line hysterectomies! Maybe they could yank out my appendix too, since they’ll be in the area.
I wonder if our turkeys are friendly because Fred spent so much time handling them when we first got them?
I don’t remember that episode of Murphy Brown, but now I’m wanting to see it! Thanksgiving always reminds me of WKRP in Cincinnati and the Turkey Drop!
When I gave up my equipment they had to take my appendix out at the same time b/c it was all mashed up together, along with bowel tissue, from the endometriosis. It was so nasty the doc couldn’t figure out how I was walking. But that’s because no doc before actually believed that I was in pain and it wasn’t right. Because I was fat, so that was really the issue, right? Stupid docs. Now I have this cool scar that goes around my belly button and half-way up towards my boobs. My uterus was the size of a small beach ball.
Spaaaaaaaaanky!
I hate turkeys. When I was a kid, we had one that use to chase me, running at me with outstretched beak, everytime I went outside to walk to the barn. We finally invited him to dinner–touch old thing, but I smiled all the time I was eating him.
On the old uterus thing–I had the spotting, which turned into 3 years of monthly hemorraghing and no insurance to rip the damn thing out. Hope you don’t have to do through that. Fibroids are the problem.
Well now I don’t feel so bad eating turkey at Thanksgiving. Hee! 😀
I’d LOVE to break up with my uterus! Oh to dream…
Not that your previous foster baby kittehs weren’t cute, but you have THE cutest kitteh bunches yet this time around!
I want Hydrox. Too bad we can’t have cats. Also, Hydrox kinda looks like your nephew Brian in that first picture of him. hee.
LMFAO at the MauraudingTurkeys video! Oy what a PITA! They are gentle dummies though aren’t they? It would be great if the wings could be clipped. I loved the turkey looking in the doorglass at you! I’ve had dogs,cats and a squirrel but a turkey is so much funnier! I read my book at the gyn-they take FOREVER at mine too. I would rather have the transvaginal ultrasound than a pelvic exam. For me the pelvic hurts more and the pap too. I guess I’ll be living with my plumbing indefinetly too. My Mom and a friend were very happy with thier hysterectomies. The skinny friend actually LOST weight from it. And yes I’d like to kick her annoying skinny ass.
So the only animal STUPIDER than turkeys, I think are Guinea Hens. Maybe equally stupid. Them birds are DAMN FOOLS. They do the same thing, fly over the fence and then can’t figure out how to get back. Idiots.
And re: your lady problems, I have every known lady problem to man, so here are my thoughts. If you are not already on a low-estrogen pill (I take Mircette/generic is Kariva), you might consider the switch to one—estrogen makes fibroids grow, apparently. (Estrogen also makes me into a craving fucking lunatic, so the low-estro pills are a godsend.) I have had fibroids removed on the external part of my uterus via a laparoscopy with what my doctor called a vacuum with a blender on the end–I think it was called a “macerator” or something. I try not to think about it, because: gross. I had interuterine polyps too, that caused crazy abnormal bleeding, and I had a D&C for that. They can do endometrial ablation too (it was not as common when I had surgery just a handful of years ago), which is basically a scorched earth policy for your uterine lining, which if I have to go back for lady problems at any point, I’m going to get that done—they basically just laser away the entire uterine lining. From what I understand, it’s basically like doing away with periods and all of it without doing an actual hysterectomy. I did a bit of research on hysterectomies and if i have to get one done, I’ll ask them to leave the cervix and the ovaries, and just take out the baby box itself. (My mom thinks she took DES while pregnant with me in the very early 70s, so we’re pretty sure that’s where my endless lady problems come from. I also have endometriosis. I am a bucket of LADY PARTS FAIL.)
Man, being a lady is bogus sometimes. On the upside, I take the pills EVERY DAMN DAY OF MY LIFE and I haven’t had a fibroid or endo pain or a polyp for coming on 6 years now, so hey. That’s not too bad. Good luck with yours. If they try to get you to do a hysetroscopy, tell them you want some laughing gas or a valium, because that shit is NO JOKE. They will lie to you and say it doesn’t hurt too much. I have a crazy high pain threshold and I was, uh, let’s just say, I was not a happy camper.
My first thought was put those damned things in a FREEZER already.
But then I thought of how the chickens have the doggies protecting them and hmm, maybe the turkeys need a border collie to round them up! Yeah! Because I really want one and then I could follow your adventures with him/her 😉
My dad’s freaking pigs (about 6 of them) used to bust out of their yard oh, weekly or so. I would round them up on my horse. So yeah, me thinks you need a border collie or a horse Robyn!
Or put those fuckers in the freezer already 🙂
If I could only train the cats to herd turkeys! 🙂
I suffered with vast quantities of blood and clots on an almost daily basis for a couple of years before someone said “Hey! We just can’t let her keep bleeding like this!” Thank God! The surgery was not bad at all and I have loved not gushing blood ever since.
I also have a kitty question – my wonderful feline companion of 9 years died suddenly this week of undiscovered tumors. He died while they were taking the x-rays that showed he was full of them. After sobbing for 36 hours I started reading the website of a local pet shelter and I’m thrilled to say I’m adopting a beautiful Maine Coon cat on Saturday. One of the stipulations in the adoption decree is a guarantee that I will not de-claw him. My cats have always been at least front-declawed, otherwise they rip up the furniture. Do you still use those those claw caps? What do you think about de-clawing? Thanks!
Regarding the turkey: I read on Ninja Poodles website, maybe just over a year ago (maybe longer) that if you clip both wings they can still get out, but if you just clip one side they get all lopsided and can’t get out. Maybe that’s something to look into.
As for the lady parts mess. I started menopause like a year ago and I am 43. I am like 6 weeks between periods. I would LOVE to yank that puppy out! I was done having babies almost 15 years ago and wanted to do it then! But they said no… damn doctors!
I think there may be a hidden camera in my docs exam room. (We are asked to remove clothing / get dressed in the little bathroom.) I say this because one time I was digging in my purse and dropped a tube of lipstick which came open and rolled across the floor under a table. I finally managed to fish it out & I got back on the exam table. A couple of minutes later the nurse came in to take my BP and she asked what I was looking for under the table. ? The door was NOT open so unless she has x-ray vision they have a way of viewing the patient. I dunno, I guess its legal because we are not supposed to be undressed/naked and running about in the exam room but still…
Dr Lewis! I went, he looked, I told him I was sick of bleeding for NO REASON! He took the bitch out pretty quickly! YEY best thing that’s ever happened ( and I wasn’t writing any “I miss you” love notes to my X tampax either!)