New month, new banner! Another one by Christine, who saved my bacon once again.
Thanks, Christine! You rock, as usual. 
The 2011 calendars are now available!
I’ll link them at the top of this week’s entries, and there are links in the sidebar to the right ——->
The sidebar links will remain until the end of the year – or until I remember to take them down, which means they very well might be there ’til March.
Attention, readers in SE Texas and SW Louisiana!
From Metz:
My friend Brinn who lives in Texas is trying to find a new home for her kitty Sheba. The whole story is on a blog post of mine, so you don’t have to take up too much of your space just maybe a quick shout out and link to her story. It is really breaking her heart to do this, Brinn is a super sweet girl and she loves all of her pets so much. But she’s just not able to keep Sheba any more and wants to find the best possible home for her.
Go read more about Sheba here!
So, remember two months ago when I felt like I had food poisoning for a couple of days, and then I had digestive issues for another week, and I lost 15 pounds in something like 10 days? And then I went to the doctor, and they did a fecal (or whatever it’s called for humans) and found nothing, so referred me to my gastroenterologist, setting the appointment for a month later?
And then after I lost that 15 pounds, I gained it all back plus a couple of pounds, and then I lost 10 pounds and gained 8 back, and just imagine the needle on the scale bouncing back and forth before settling pretty much where it was in the very beginning before the “food poisoning” (or whatever it was).
So at the end of September, I went to see my gastroenterologist, and he came in and gave me a look and was all “Hasn’t it been a while since I last saw you?” and I was all “Yeah, I was supposed to see you last Fall but, uh, I forgot.” and he grabbed that rubber hammer that they use to check your reflexes and pretended like he was going beat me with it.
“Please tell me someone has been monitoring this stuff,” he begged. “This stuff” meaning my liver function levels.
“Uh… not so much,” I said.
He grabbed the rubber hammer again and pretended to beat me with it again.
So, bottom line (har HAR), since I was diagnosed with Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis, the digestive issues I had in August could potentially have been the onset of colitis (most times people who are diagnosed with PSC actually present with colitis before the PSC is discovered) and guess what? OH GO ON, GUESS WHAT. What’s the one thing you expect a gastroenterologist to order which is also the last thing you WANT him to order?
That’s right, it was COLONOSCOPY TIME! WOOHOO!
But do they do the colonoscopy right then to get it over with? Well, no. Because your digestive system has to be squeaky clean before they can go spelunking in your colon. And do they do the colonoscopy, oh, the next week? No, no, no. They do not. What they do is they schedule the test at the next available time, and of course that next available time is a month away. So they schedule you on September 30th for a colonoscopy to take place on October 29th so that YOUR ENTIRE MONTH has a I-am-going-to-have-a-colonoscopy cloud hanging over it. My entire month of October was covered in a slight film of oh-christ-why-me mixed 50/50 with a dusting of fucking-a-jesus-christ-i-don’t-wanna.
And the people you know who have had colonoscopies in the past are always reassuring and tell you that it’s no big deal, and I believed that completely, but I still didn’t want to have it done.
Let me take a step back for a moment to inform you that when I was 15, I had a tumor on my right knee. They didn’t know until the tumor was out and went to the lab whether it was cancerous or not (it was not). You know how in Final Destination, the kid beats Death, but in the end Death comes around and gets everyone who escaped him the first time around? That’s kind of how I feel about cancer – it swung and missed when I was 15, but sooner or later it’ll be back for real. Maybe when I’m 42, maybe when I’m 58, maybe when I’m 75, who knows? So I can tell you that I pretty much expected the colonoscopy to show a big, raging tumor. And the thought didn’t scare me, because it would just be another thing to mark off the checklist, and I could stop waiting for that shoe to drop.
The idea of the prep – though everyone said that the prep was the worst part – didn’t scare me.
What scared me? The idea that I’d be awake during the colonoscopy. That they’d dose me with something like Versed, and that I’d be lucid during the procedure and say something obnoxious. Because someone who would be, um, present during the procedure might bear a resemblance (to me) to that goddamn Muppet reporter, and I WAS TERRIFIED I WAS GOING TO BLURT IT OUT DURING THE PROCEDURE.
So anyway, the colonoscopy was scheduled for Friday at 2. Thursday dawned, and I woke up starving to death, but had to stick to a clear diet for the day – broth, Jello, popsicles – and since I don’t like any of that stuff, I opted to not eat anything at all. Thursday evening came, and I mixed up the prep and started drinking it. The prep – MoviPrep, it’s called – is this powder you mix with water that gives you a lemon-lime flavored liquid that smells very familiar (I still don’t know what it reminded me of – lemon Mr. Clean, perhaps). You have to drink 1 quart over the course of an hour (8 ounces every 15 minutes), then five hours later, you repeat it.
I got the first 8 ounces down, but after that the smell of the stuff was making me gag. I finally ended up plugging my nose to drink it, which worked well.
I thought for sure I’d be running for the bathroom every five minutes and huddling there in agony but – and is this due to my restructured digestive system? Perhaps. – it really wasn’t that bad. I’ve had a worse reaction from a day of eating too much fat.
I woke up Friday morning very thirsty and with a headache. The paperwork said that I could drink water up until 6 hours before the procedure, so I did.
All was fine until about 10:00. I canned a batch of chicken, I went out and picked tomatoes, I puttered around the house. But shortly after 10, my headache worsened and I got very nauseous. Laying down hurt my head, so I sat and watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and petted kittens and got up and walked around, then sat down and petted kittens some more. None of that helped. Fred got home from work and ate lunch, and at 12:30 we left for Madison.
(Have you ever noticed that when you’re very nauseous, no one ever wants to talk about anything but food? GAH.)
I checked in, and they had me in a bed in preop with an IV in place and four warm blankets on me by 1:20. Laying back hurt my head and made me more nauseated, so I sat up and asked Fred to rub my head, which helped the headache a little. I did ask the nurse if they could give me something for the headache – it hurt a fucking lot – and she said they’d call the doctor and ask him, but I never got anything.
They took me back right at 2:00, and my gastroenterologist popped in to ask if I had any questions. The nurse was prepping the room for the procedure, and I looked around at everything (you know they use an air compressor to blow up your colon because it’s all wrinkly? I swore to Fred that if I were lucid during the procedure I’d howl “I’m flying! I’M FLYYYYYYING!”), then they had me turn onto my left side, the nurse anesthesiologist told me I’d be out soon, and the next thing I knew they were wheeling me into recovery.
When they brought Fred back, I told him that I had started to come out from under anesthesia, and the nurse anesthesiologist had told me I’d be back to sleep in a minute. I have only the vaguest memory of that – and I don’t know if it’s a real memory or not, to be honest – but all in all I can tell you that:
1. I don’t remember a damn thing
2. It wasn’t bad at all.
I don’t particularly want to go through it again, but when the day comes that I have to have another one – hopefully in years and years – I’ll know what to expect.
The last time I looked at the clock before the procedure started, it was 2:20. At 3:20 we were in the car and on the way home. We stopped at the grocery store for a few things on the way home, and I was a tiny bit stumbly, but by the time we were home, I was okay. I made dinner, I canned the last batch of chicken, I did some laundry. I was absolutely fine – I didn’t even fall asleep during the movie we watched that night. I had a hard time falling asleep that night, but I woke up feeling fine, and I’ve been feeling great ever since.
The fact that I no longer have to dread the fucking colonoscopy had me almost giddy almost all weekend long, and I must have said “Thank god that’s over with!” about a hundred times.
Oh, and there was no raging tumor, no signs of colitis, no polyps. He took a few biopsies to test for something called microscopic colitis, just to be safe, and expects to have the results by the middle of the week. I expect it’ll show nothing, personally, but we’ll see.
And now you’re up to date on the state of my colon.
Happy belated Halloween!
When I was in TJ Maxx a few weeks ago, I saw something I could use to torture the cats with…
That’s Jake, by the way. He sure was good about being stuffed into a chicken costume!
Previously
2009: No entry.
2008: No entry.
2007: “Bessie!” he said, waving his arm expansively. “Are you having a good anniversary so far?”
2006: I hope one of the little brats who took a handful of candy ended up with a slug, too. That’d serve ‘em right!
2005: And I don’t WANNA.
2004: Fuckin’ yawnsville.
2003: No entry.
2002: Bob Riley’s campaign strategy is to say “Nuh uh!”
2001: Did you know that they make foam cups in espresso size?
2000: No entry.
1999: Such appetizing topics, eh?
Part of my job involves review of medical records and I always find them interesting to read. There are notes like, “Patient had good bowel prep”, or “Colon was remarkably clean and well tended” (seriously?? That is what the Dr. said? So strange.)
But one I remember was of a patient who was on his THIRD colonscopy and the doctor had made a note that he would not perform another on that patient because the patient refused to comply with the restriced diet and properly prep his bowels and was wasting the time of the staff. The Dr. had tried to perform a biopsy and it was lost in the fecal matter. What a waste. Har har!
So good on you Robyn for being a good girl and not eating when you weren’t supposed to and for pooping your guts out. What would be awesome is of they would record what people say in the OR and put that in the medical record. Oh, the stories they could share!
Thanks for being such a good example. Now none of us can whine about any future colonscopies because you are on record saying it wasn’t so bad.
Okay, is it wrong that now I want to get a look at my medical records to see if there are compliments about the cleanliness of my colon?
I would like to sprinkle some glitter in the bowel prep (butt drano!), so that little sparkly flecks are present during the procedure. My colon will be the pretty, prety princess of all colons, and then it shall rule the world.
And then I want to read my medical records.
You ain’ right, girl.
(But I would pay money to get to type that op note!)
DOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIT!
I turned 50 and had my colonoscopy 2 wks later (WTF???) and it was seriously no BFD. I agree with the others, the prep sucked pretty bad, but the procedure? I woke up feeling completely normal and thought I should at least feel *something* like I had just been violated, but no, nothing and THAT’S OK BY ME. I really hated the thought of it, but man, it was such a non-issue. Very happy to hear it went well. Goodonya!
Well, thankfully it’s over, right Robyn? Glad you checked out fine.
If they’d let me, I’d just do a Master Cleanse the ten days before the procedure.
Dressing up the pets…is there anything better?
Brenda’s comment made me realize that if we really all were being whisked off by aliens for, ahem, colonoscopies, we would feel just fine afterwards, and go right back to canning the chicken.
But I’m glad everything came out all right.
(sorry, couldn’t resist.)
Ha – I must have said “I’m glad that’s BEHIND ME HA HA HA!” about 20 times over the weekend.
Not touching the whold colonscopy subject and that is a VERY good thing for all concerned.
Thanks for the chicken costume/cat torture pictures-I needed those belly laughs today!
Love the new banner! It rocks!
I’m scheduled for my fifth colonoscopy this month. There is colon cancer in my family (both my mother and her sister died from it) and, since they found pre-cancerous polyps last year, I now have to go every year. Never had any problems with the prep except for last year. For some reason or other the prep just sat in my stomach and since I had to keep on drinking that stuff, eventually I threw it up. Not very pleasant, I assure you. It was doubtful whether they would even perform the procedure the next day, but as it turned out I was “clean” enough. Afterwards I remembered that my mom had that same problem until she discovered that walking around helps with the nausea and moves things downwards. Now you know more about me than you care to know, I’m sure. LOL
Renate, having to go every year? I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for being declared a saint. At least in MY book!
Went to the doctor last week and was chastised for not yet having had a colonoscopy (even though there’s no history of colon cancer in my family) because I am over 50. So now I have a short list of doctors to contact to have it done.
And your cats must be pretty patient. One of our cats would shred us if we tried to dress him up; the other would bite and shred us. The dog would just give us that long-suffering, can-you-believe-what-I-have-to-put-up-with look.
See, Sheri, that’s why it would behoove you to get more cats. The more cats you have, the higher the likelihood that ONE of them will be patient enough to put up with our shenanigans!
Can I interest you in four Bookworms? (Kidding! Maybe.)
I had a colonoscopy a few years ago; the prep they gave me was a gallon, and I was supposed to drink it all.
Yeah, fuck that noise. I tried EVERYTHING – holding my nose, sipping through a straw, sticking it in the freezer until it was slush. I probably managed to get about 6-8 ounces of it down, total – after that, I wouldn’t be able to even get it properly swallowed before I was puking it back up. The doctor still congratulated me on a “job well done;” I was terrified they were not going to be able to do the scope and I’d have to go through that mess all over again. I was afraid I’d remember everything, and wanted to be put completely under. They said “Only Versed” and I was anxious; when they started the procedure, the doctor said, “Now turn onto your lef…” and that was IT. As far as my memory is concerned, the entire procedure consisted of “Turn onto your lef… all done!”
And hey, not to come down too serious on a Monday, but… you probably don’t remember, but back when the doctor was first saying PSC and you were saying, “Probably not, because it mainly affects middle-aged white males” and I told you about a friend’s sister who was an early-30s black female when she was diagnosed? She’s in the process of rejecting her second transplant. She had stopped seeing her specialist for a few years because she “felt fine.” Don’t be nonchalant with it.
I love the kitten pictures – is the kitten who decided to jump out of the orange bucket the same one who jumped out of the purple bucket?
That first series is especially funny:
Kitteh 1: Pose for the picture, pose for the picture!
Kitten 2: What is this thing MADE of anyway?
K1: Pose for the picture, pose for the picture!
K2: I wonder if I could reach that and maybe dangle from it…hmmm.
K1: Pose for the picture, pose for the picture!
K2: Dude, so over it. I’m out of here!
I know, I need to keep on top of this stuff instead of being slackery about it. The good thing is that I don’t want my gastroenterologist to get mad at me, so I’ll likely be vigilant about scheduling appointments from here on out!
And no, the kitten who jumped out of the orange bucket is not the same as the one who jumped out of the purple bucket. I guess they decided to take turns.
I always got a kick out of calling the doctor’s office who did my colonoscopy. It was something like Thank you for calling the Rectal and Anal Surgery Center. That must be some hell to have to say that every day all day long. The last thing I remember before my procedure was the nurse saying just don’t stop breathing on me. Then I woke up just at the end when the scope was coming out…cold, wet…ewwwww! LOL I did get a glimpse of my innards on the TV monitor. I also got still pictures to bring home suitable for framing. I hated the prep part. I had to drink the foul tasting gallon of sludge. Didn’t finish it. When I started crapping water I stopped.
When I had my colonoscopy, I was the first appointment that morning. The nurses pointed out that there was no one in front of me. I said, “It’s not the people in front of me that I’m worried about”. Then I made a remark about the doctor… could’ve at least bought me dinner first. I kept cracking jokes the whole time before the procedure. All I heard was turn on your left side and I was out too. Woke up in recovery. I’m glad I didn’t wake up when Lisa did… ewwwww. When my husband had a colonoscopy done, he woke up in recovery and very seriously told one of the nurses, “I didn’t really rob that bank like I said I did”. ??? Weird. LOL.
I’m over 50 and I know I should have colonoscopy, but..just picture the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz whining, crying and yelling “I wanna go home….” That’s me. I’m a coward. And a big baby. And afraid of doctors.
Also, if I tried putting clothes on my cats, I’d have no skin on my hands or arms. The picture of Jake in his Halloween outfit made my day!
Louann, Jake says you gotta go get a colonoscopy immediately. You don’t want to wake up with him sitting and staring loonily down at you, do you?
Can’t resist have to add something to the discussion. I’ve had two colonoscopies-am probably overdue for one now. The last thing I remember before the first one is drooling like a fool and being mortified, rubbing my face hard to try and make it disappear before anyone else saw it. I remember discussing the Robin Williams stand up routine about his colonoscopy with the colon and rectal surgeon and teasing his staff about being in the “butt business”. The doctor wanted to use a tpae of the Robin Williams’ HBO Special for patient education in his office. Don’t know if he ever did but he was the cutest sweetest surgeon I ever dealt with and I was by far his youngest patient when I went there. It was embarassing to show my fat butt to the cute young doctor.
I have to admit that I am SO GLAD I don’t find my gastroenterologist attractive. I mean, I guess he’s a good-looking enough guy and I like him a lot, but I don’t find him cute, which made all this a little easier. Now I need to go find the Robin Williams routine, I haven’t seen it!
If you haven’t found the Robin Williams routine yet, I must encourage you to do so. I wept. (And I’m the one who’s usually all “Guys. Fart jokes are NOT FUNNY.”)
Meanwhile I think Jen S.’s “bellowing out ‘OH HELL NO, THAT DOESN’T GO THERE!’ And someone quietly saying, ‘More Versed, please'” is the funniest thing in this entire comment section. If Gina DID do the glitter, that would be funniest, but until then…
I had that procedure on the 18th of Oct and it was exactly like you said. I was so afraid I’d be awake during it and was shocked to wake up and it was done.
I think the nausea and headache before is from sugar and in my case caffeine leaving the system.
But my doctor insisted on two days prep with two doses of the guck each day.
HA. I had to have one several years back. I thought the prep was the worst part, (I passed out on the bathroom floor after finishing the whole jug of nasty). Oh, but no. I was awake for the whole thing thanks to someone not being heavy handed enough with the drugs. At the beginning, I remember bellowing out “OH HELL NO, THAT DOESN’T GO THERE!” And someone quietly saying, “More Versed, please.” It calmed me down some, but not enough to stop me from providing a running commentary through the whole thing, completely high, since they let me watch it on the video screen. Not my finest moment.