* * * When I read that the Supreme Court heard that they’re outlawing the sale of sex toys in Alabama, and they said “Um, yeah. Nah, we don’t think we’ll hear that case. In fact, we think it’s A-OK for the state to come right into the bedroom of any Alabaman and make sure that no sex is being performed in any position other than strict Missionary, and if no one feels any kind of pleasure while the sex is taking place, that’d be best, buh-bye.”, I was so very relieved. Because where I want my tax dollars to go is NOT to fight the horrifying meth problem eating alive the rural areas of this state, nor would I like to see some tax dollars maybe thrown toward, I don’t know, education. No, my number one concern is that a woman, somewhere in Alabama, might have purchased a device to ensure that she’s able to get off. A woman having an orgasm is an abomination in the eyes of The Lawd, you know. Well, The Lawd told me that he doesn’t actually give a shit what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms – the exact quote would be “As long as it’s between two consenting adults of WHATEVER sex, I don’t give a shit what they do. Oral, anal, the braiding of each others’ pubic hair, go at it, just leave me the hell out of it, I’ve got better things to worry about. Floods, earthquakes, Phil Hellmuth acting like a big baby about the fact that he lost this hand. I have to go call Satan and make sure that Phil Hellmuth really isn’t his son, ’cause he certainly does a great big crybaby job of making me believe he IS, and I really kind of want to smite his ass.” – but some random men once wrote this book, claimed it was The Word straight from The Lawd*, and it says right there in Lemumblemumble verse sixty-six “Thou shalt not use any device to ensure the pleasure of any female in any sort of bedroom situation thou might encounter, especially if a male is not present, because the fact that a female could feel pleasure without a man’s direct involvement (and even WITH a man’s direct involvement, gigglegigglesnort) is an abomination in the eyes of The Lawd, go forth and buzz no more.” My issue with this law is this: Alabama’s anti-obscenity law, enacted in 1998, bans the distribution of “any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for anything of pecuniary value.” So, then, when they find out that women are, in droves, purchasing electric screwdrivers**, will they be adding to the law banning the sale of electric screwdrivers to women? And if they find, after that, that women have gone, shall we say, acoustic, will they then go around knocking on doors and amputating the fingers – nay, the entire hands – of all women, just in case? This is one of those times when I’m just so very pleased to be living in Alabama. *The Lawd said “Those guys? Please. I never could stand them, and now they’re all crowded around My house acting holier than ME, and I think I need to smite them, but I did too many shots the day they banded together and asked me to swear on the name of Me that I wouldn’t smite them, so I can’t because I’m not the King of Lies, that motherfucker Beelzebub is, and he can’t – WON’T – come up here and smite them for me, ’cause he’s a douchebag. Also, he plays a mean hand of poker, and that REALLY pisses Me off.” **As an extreme example, because ouch. I suspect that would hurt. Except for maybe one of the slow, cheap ones.
Felicia. I think she looks kind of like Felix the Cat, but obviously you can’t name a girl cat Felix (also, Felix had already been used), so I feminized it.
Skittles. So named because she’s the scaredy-cat of the bunch, and ages ago when I was trying to come up with cat names for the fosters who ended up being Gilligan, Spanky, Maryann and Tina Louise, Kath suggested Skittles, and I think it’s a cute name, so Skittles it is!
Punki. My sister has a dilute calico named Punki, and this one is dilute (but a torti rather than a calico), so I stole the name. Punki’s the most playful of the bunch – all you have to do is wave the feather-on-a-stick toy, and she’s across the room in a flash to smack at it.
I was going to name her Reese, as in Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (to follow the Skittles/ candy theme), but Reese made me think of Reese Witherspoon, which made me think of Elle, and I liked Elle better. So Elle she is.
Dulcinea. My brother has a cat named Dulcinea, I like the name, so I stole it!
Elle gives off the ‘tude.
Dulcinea (left) and Skittles, hiding under the dresser.
Punki keeps an eye on her sisters.
Dulcinea shows off her coat.
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“Wh-what do you mean, we can’t go outside because Mister Boogers is a jerk who keeps outsmarting the electric fence around the back yard?!”
Hey Robyn, Just wanted to say thanks for the postcard from Maine!!!(sorry its late)
awwww…you should be the one to write the ads for the kittens. you make me want to come get them.
Can you please post pics of Maryanne tomorrow? What? It’s a question!
Hilarious that Alabama wants to keep people from using vibrators, HILARIOUS! That is absolutely ridiculous, what will be next, watching HBO? We have to ban HBO because it’s got inappropriate content and might cause people to use their vibrators uncontrollably.
Maybe you could put Mister Boogers into a harness and on a leash. Of course he won’t like it, but that’s just too bad. He’d get used to it eventually.
Wow there are some great minds here in Texas too. Maybe the leaders of Alabama and Texas could get together and form a new state and call it AlatexASS? Where the main goal is to combat the pursuit of personal pleasure and lower the education standards in our schools. RIDICULOUS!
My questions is this: Is it only the sale of vibrators that’s illegal or did they make possession illegal too? I can just see the undercover agents lurking at corners trying to sell their wares in order to fill up your jails. Which are probably, just like in our state, totally overcrowded.
In either case, that is so totally ridiculous, it makes me glad not to live in Alabama. Not that I ever wanted to live there before, what with the warm weather and humidity.
Aww, they’re so cute! They really do look like they’ve got some Oriental or Abyssinian in them! They have long slender faces, like my kitty Deuce.
You should name a litter after cards. Ace, Deuce, King, Queen, Jack.
lol. that would be funny. 🙂
Have you considered having Fred adapt one of the below products to use on ya’lls fence? Some of the angled ones might work. If I ever have a small fence (i.e. not 350+ft plus trees) I am planning on using one of the below so the kitties can go out.
http://www.catfencein.com/
http://www.feralcat.com/fence.html
http://www.catfence.com/
http://www.purrfectfence.com/
http://www.kittyklips.com/quotes.htm
Thanks Robyn! I’ll be walking around singing “Dulcinea… Dulcinea…
I see heaven when I see thee, Dulcinea” all day!!
I love me some Man of La Mancha!!
Adorable kittens!
-Nancy
Robyn,
Except the receipt of marketing materials from Adam & Eve soon. I expect that they will increase their marketing to a new “exclusive” market for their toys. Ha ha! So wierd. My friends works at a “porn” store. It’s full-time and the pay is good. She said they get very few wierd customers. I think the wierd one stick to “online” because the store doesn’t carry stuff “weird” enough.
Love the new kitties even if they are all girls. I have boyz at my home – they are easier!
If the sale of anything a woman could use to pleasure herself is going to be
illegal in Alabama, I foresee a huge enforcement problem, because — hey, bananas,
carrots, cucumbers (just to keep her in the kitchen, y’know, where she’s s’poze
to be). Lessee … anything that’s cylindrical, too. Gotta make all those things
illegal. Oh, and Waterpiks, some ladies use those, and rubber duckies …
Is anybody in Alabama doing anything about this? Any legal fights? Just wondering.
Oh, and those are some adorable kittens. They will probably find homes very quickly.
Question for the cat expert 🙂
My daughter moved back home for awhile and on Sunday is bringing her two female cats (both about 1 1/2 years old) to live with us. My cat (female also and same age) already lives here. What is the best way to introduce them? What has worked best for you? Should I have her keep her 2 cats in her room and bathroom upstairs with the doors closed or just let them free? Anyway, since you have so many cats I know you’ll have a better answer than any of those Cat Fancy magazines. Thanks.
Why can’t the other cats go outside and only Mister Boogers stay inside?
Give up and let those frickin’ cats run, Forrest, Run! They won’t go further than their own self-imposed territories and will alway come back in bad weather and for chow. They really never run away unless they totally hate you! Ah, Darn! I was hoping you’d name this new bunch the Little Wharvy Gals! Alvinelle, Aunt Hurline, Penny McGill, etc. Try as I might I can’t find the names of the rest of those little Wharvy Gals but you could name one Clarinet and another one Girl on a String.
Not really a question related to your (very entertaining) site, but just curious if you know where the heck Bonnie (Cheesey-goodness) is?? I can’t find her website ANYWHERE!! Love your writing, and never miss a day! We have cats also, a BIOTCH named Zoey (she is miserable, and loves to suck on our ears – yeah, I know…weird) and we have a new to us MarvinNorman(stray kitten), who is very spastic! (he loves to shred toilet paper).
What sweet little girls! What is the difference between a torti and a calico? I thought they were the same thing but apparently I am stupid. Not really a news flash, I know.
Hi Robyn–
I must admit, I’ve been rooting for Mister “Douchebag” Boogers. I know that y’all are concerned about him getting himself hurt, but it seems he’s happiest roaming. I didn’t say anything back when it happened, but I was a little sad to hear the story that ended up with Boog rolling around in the dirt drooling because he was being zapped. I really couldn’t get it out of my head (and I mean it in a totally non-judgmental way — I own 4 cats myself and I can see how much you lurve and care for all of them). My 4th cat, Barnabas J. Barnkitten (of whom I’m DYING to share a pic — he’s a tuxedo cat & just the cutest, cuddliest boy you ever saw in your life), came to me as a stray — just showed up in our post pile one day. He’d be heartbroken if we didn’t allow him to roam and loves to go on walks out to the “back 40” with me and my dog, Lola — he also likes to mew pitifully at my sliding glass door at 3 in the morning so he can come snuuuggle with me on my piiiiillow. I’m not sure where I’m going with this — maybe just to ask you to consider letting the Boogs roam. I live on a busy road and none of my cats have ever been interested in it.
OK, here’s my “real” Friday question, prefaced by some ass-kissing (sincere, but ass-kissing nonetheless): I really admire you guys for living your lives exactly the way you want to — you seem to not let anyone dissuade you from staying home, taking care of cats, etc. (end ass-kissing). Do you ever feel like you want to be doing something different? Are you ever dissatisfied with your life? You seem remarkably angst-free and I’m just wondering if we never see it, or if you really are this serene about your life. If the latter, I’m jealous! 🙂
“go forth and buzz no more.”
this is quite possibly the funniest thing I have heard in a long long time!
I am having issues in my dry county of people preaching the lawd and saying Red Lobster will bring out heathens in the street, drunken and buying sex toys I am sure!
They forget we already have 5 private clubs for that. Sheesh. I didnt know Red Lobster was the place to go to get drunk and dance on the tables did you?
Here is my question.
Do you ever wanna go running and screaming with your pubes on fire, right the hell outta this freakin’ bible belt?
Yeah that is how I feel right now.
Sadly, the Lawd doesn’t speak to me, but if he did, I KNOW he’d sound just like that. 🙂
Man I thought where I lived was bad but at least they haven’t outlawed that yet. You take away vibrators and you are going to have a lot of cranky women in that state. The pregnancy rate will go up because women will have to get a man involved now.
All I know is the last time the lawd almighty and I talked, SHE assured me one reason she gave us big brains and thumbs was to invent electricity and batteries… so ain’t it just natural evolution for the next step to be putting that technology to a real good use??? And by the way you forgot oscillating !!!
Question: Didn’t Fred say he was busy planting bushes ? Was he planting your “privacy” foliage outside your kitchen window? What did you end up planting? Thanks !
Hi,
I’m in Australia, but pretty sure you would get these over there, I’ve seen some great cat runs around, they connect to an opening from your house, and the cats can go in and out as they please, but cant leave the enclosed run, i saw one that went nearly all the way around a house and had sections that went upwards so the cats could climb, it was impressive. Have you ever considered one ?
Robyn, women going “acoustic” is an awesome use of language – I love it!
I’ve HEARD that the flat side of an electric toothbrush will do in a pinch. I wouldn’t want to use my primary toothbrush, of course.
Why didn’t I think of asking you — how do you trim (or cause to be trimmed) the claws of an almost-wild formerly-feral kitty? Noam Katsky is a real sweetie, but no one other than his immediate cat and human families will ever know that. We actually got him in a crate MORE THAN A YEAR AGO but he popped the door and ran away for a day and a half. He’s not an outdoor cat and, because we’re wimps, we haven’t tried since. Now he almost trips as he walks across the carpet, so we have to either do it ourselves or take him to a groomer/vet. Do they drug him? Do they give up? HELP! Our cat family awaits your advice (Noam, Roada, and Spot Katsky…Spot was Hercule Pawrot Katsky, but he’s too little and cute for such a stuffy name.