Oh, the PMS fairy has arrived in full force, that bitch. It’s not until the Day o’ Rage arrives that the two preceding days of boohooing given the slightest provocation (sad commercials, sweet kittens, stain on my shirt) make sense. And I’ve probably mentioned this before, but knowing the reason for the Day o’ Rage does not lessen the Rage in the slightest.
I was okay until after I got back from the vet and doing laundry and found that the laundry I’d put in the dryer two days ago was still wet. Because I hadn’t started the dryer. Which meant stinky clothes in the dryer. Which meant I had to rewash them. Which meant a temper tantrum.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
And then I took the tomatoes which had been sitting out thawing for the last day, and I was going to run them through the food mill, then put them on the stove to simmer all day, so I could can them today. When I put the third tomato in the food mill and it popped like a zit, spraying tomato juice all over the fucking place, I decided I’D HAD ENOUGH OF THE GODDAMNED TOMATOES. Which meant a temper tantrum.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
I stomped out to the chicken yards and tossed all the tomatoes to the chickens, who looked at the tomatoes like “What is THIS shit you’re trying to foist off on us” like the ungrateful motherfuckers they are, and I believe I probably yelled “GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU FUCKING ASSWIPES EAT THEM OR STARVE I DON’T CARE!” at them.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
Then I came inside and spent – I fucking shit you not – half an hour trying to get a decent image of the book I’m currently reading, so I could FTP it up to my site and link to it in the sidebar. (Yes, I’m aware that Goodreads has a widget for just such an occasion. I don’t like the look of it, and I can’t figure out how to edit it to make it look the way I want.) I finally found a decent one, and FTP’d it up annnnnnd… it wasn’t there. FTP’d it up again. Not there.
FTP’d it up.
Not there.
FTP’d it up.
Not there.
Cue the bellowing. The GODDAMNing. The MOTHERFUCKing. The WHATTHEFUCK??ing.
The rebooting.
STILL NOT WORKING.
Cue the tantrum.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
Tantrum completed, I uploaded the image to another place completely, where it uploaded successfully, linked to it in the sidebar, and since I’d blown that half hour I’d INTENDED to spend vacuuming the house fucking around with images and FTPing, I got up to go out to the chicken yards. I go out around 12:30 every day to toss out scratch for chickens, check on babies, give the dogs a treat, and gather eggs.
As I stood up, I glanced out into the back yard and noticed that Sugarbutt was sitting, watching something near the back steps VERY intently. I thought I could hear the sound of a bird being tortured, and then Kara ran across the back yard. I ran to the back door to prevent any half-dead creatures from entering my house, and saw Lafayette.
That little fucker had figured out the cat door. And he’d gone outside. AND Bill was sniffing at the cat door in a very interested manner.
I shooed Bill away from the door and then opened the door and sputtered at Lafayette, who turned and looked at me, all “HAI!”
“Get in here!” I said sternly, and he did.
“Get away from the door!” I said, and shot a blast of canned air at him. He ran into the kitchen.
I grabbed my basket for egg-gathering and a cup of scratch, and headed out to the chicken yards. I checked on baby chickens and fed the dogs their snacks and gathered eggs, and then trudged back to the house. I was putting the basket of eggs on the shelf unit by the door when I HAPPENED to glance at the door and saw Lafayette casually push his way through the cat door and skip-a-doodle-doo down the steps. Then Bill walked over to the cat door and pushed his head through, all “HOWYADOIN’ OUT THERE, BRO?!”
Why, hello tantrum time.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
I stomped over to the door and shot a blast of compressed air at Bill, who ran into the kitchen. I flung open the door and bellowed “GET IN HERE!” at Lafayette. There might have been a string of obscenities involved.
I know that it will surprise you, but bellowing angrily at a kitten does not so much make the kitten want to run TOWARD you. Lafayette skipped the rest of the way down the steps and began running across the back yard. I turned around and put my boots on, then ran out after him.
He ran across the yard in great big happy leaps, all “I AM FREE FROM THE TYRANNY AND OPPRESSION OF BEING CONFINED TO 2200 SQUARE FEET! I AM FREE! FREE, I SAY! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER!!!!” I ran after him, swearing all the while (but also kind of laughing because the great big leaps were funny). I finally caught him when he reached the fence and stood there staring at it, thinking “I CAN SEE THROUGH IT, YET I CANNOT WALK THROUGH IT. IT IS A WINDOW?”
I scooped him up and carried him back to the house, telling him the entire way that he was very bad, then shut the back door. Sugarbutt and Tommy were still in the back yard, but they know how to bang on the door in the perfect way to annoy me, so I figured if they wanted in, they’d let me know.
Then I was going to eat lunch, but do you suppose that there was ANYTHING in the house for lunch? OF COURSE NOT, and OF COURSE I hadn’t planned ahead.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
I ended up using one of those sandwich thins, split it open, slapped pizza sauce on it, put a few pepperoni and a sprinkle of cheese on it, then broiled it.
In retrospect: 1. The pepperoni tasted kinda funny; I have no idea how long it had been sitting in there. 2. Not enough protein, which always makes me crash.
Half an hour later – the gas to end all gas.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
Finally, I gave up and retired to the bedroom, where I crashed for about half an hour with Hoyt snuggled up to me on one side and Bill snuggled up to me on the other.
When I got up, the gas wasn’t gone, but I was in a better mood. I think that the cute fuzziness of Bill and Hoyt combined drove off that goddamn PMS fairy.
She’s not EVEN welcome here, but you KNOW she’ll be back again next month. Bitch.
First: Sookie went to the vet yesterday because her eyes didn’t seem to be getting better despite the oral antibiotics and the antibiotic ointment. They took her temperature (it was normal) and the vet looked her over and said that she thought that perhaps the antibiotic ointment was irritating her eyes, that I should go to regular “tears” (GenTeal makes a gel eyedrop that works really well) and give it a few days to see how that works. She could need a steroid shot to help the swelling – hopefully by Monday she’ll be looking better. She spent most of the day yesterday sleeping on a chair in the dining room, but she also got up and played a few times.
Second: Someone emailed and pointed out that I am horribly lax as far as providing pictures of Sookie lately, which I knew because over the weekend I went through my pictures to send the shelter manager pictures of each of the cats, and couldn’t find a decent shot of Sookie since mid-September. My only excuse is that she’s a quiet cat who tends to go off and sleep in out of the way places, as opposed to her loud, obnoxious, in-your-face brothers, and when I have the camera out I tend to take pictures of the cats around me. I’ll do better in the future, I promise!
Third: Sam, Hoyt, Lafayette, and Bill are going to the adoption center tomorrow morning. I will miss the heck out of them (and I’m sure I’ll be a big, sobbing baby when I have to leave them there), so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they’re adopted quickly – y’all keep your fingers crossed too, okay?
Terry does his road kill impression. Seriously, I don’t know how that could possibly be comfortable.
Elwood and Hoyt, snuggled up on a dining room chair. See that bit of kitten body over to the middle? That would be Sookie. She likes to make it difficult to get a decent picture of her.
Bill has his way with the blanket.
Lafayette’s in charge of kitten cleanliness this week.
Sookie and Sam on the cat tree in the front room.
Bill gets his daily allowance of cardboard.
“Hey, come back! There’s room for both of us in here!”
Since four of the True Bloods will be going to the adoption center tomorrow, I’m going to be moving the Wonkas up to the foster kitten room this weekend. I hope they don’t get too freaked out – I suspect that they’ll think it’s pretty neat, with the rug to keep their toes warm, the cat towers to climb on, and all the toys to play with. Not to mention the water fountain to splash around in!
Poor Gus – someone’s always chomping on him. I think they think he’s made of cotton candy.
Have I mentioned I want to squeeze Mike to death?
“What?”
I don’t encourage them climbing up my legs, but it certainly makes me laugh. Maybe when they have cat towers to climb, they won’t feel the need to climb me?
Fightin’ time!
Bath time!
“Yes, operator? I’d like to make a long-distance call. Operator? OPERATOR? DARN these tabby-foot phones, they’re always dropping the connection!”
Previously
2008: Sam’s might be the ruination of this nation, but GODDAMN do I love that store.
2007: if you set foot in Crooked Acres, the law is that you admire not only the And3rson kitties, but also the And3rson fosters.
2006: No entry.
2005: No entry.
2004: Pretty beach pictures!
2003: I’m afraid Miz Poo’s reign as Queen Shit may be coming to a close.
2002: Elvis sneer, zits, weird wiry hair. What next, I ask you?
2001: Cheater entry.
2000: No entry.
1999: Fascinating, isn’t it?!
You poor thing, what a day – even though I laughed my butt off. Don’t you just hate that bitch PMS fairy? Thank God she finally got too old and decrepit to visit me, but my husband used to think I was possessed or just plain crazy with my crying/cursing jags. And don’t you just love those sandwich thins?
The only thing worse than the monthly PMS fairy visit in my world? The permanent departure of the PMS fairy. Yes I know! I know I should be elated. I ain’t havin no babies at 48. But still….I had to fill out some medical history stuff recently, and after checking off the appropriate boxes, the paper told me that I was in MENOPAUSE. The doc confirmed this. That bitch PMS fairy just up and left me without saying a word (hot flashes are not words, right?) Ungrateful BITCH.
I am so glad those days are almost gone for me. All that remains is an occasional day or two of unexplained “woe is me” until I smarten up realize it is hormonal. However… I have those three daughters!! Torture I tells ya! I have to keep track of three calendars to put it delicately. So I know when to adopt a certain ohyesohmyohsoconcerned look and nod. Best not to say anything. Haaaa! Freakin’ women. We’re nuts!
I was going to make a comment about today’s entry being the kind I love best of all, especially during weeks like this where the PMS fairy has been at my house too (that syphilitic goatfucking whore), and every fucking thing that can possibly go wrong is going wrong, and every thing that could not possibly go wrong is ALSO going wrong (like how it’s the third straight day that my internet has been down in the morning during the time I’m supposed to be uploading my work which means I’m in BIG trouble at both jobs and how upset and frustrated I am about that and worried that they don’t believe me that IT REALLY IS THE FUCKING INTERNET, I DID the work I just can’t GET it to you), and how “the chickens […] looked at the tomatoes like “What is THIS shit you’re trying to foist off on us” like the ungrateful motherfuckers they are, and I believe I probably yelled “GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU FUCKING ASSWIPES EAT THEM OR STARVE I DON’T CARE!”” is exactly the sort of thing that I think those SAM-e “good mood!” people would try to take away from you and exactly the sort of thing that I LOVELOVELOVE because I can relate so well, especially on days like today.
And I got an “Internal server error encountered” message.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
Then I typed it up in email to send to you and came back to check to make sure what the error message said, and it appears to be willing to let me post now. Tantrums DO help, I don’t care what anyone says.
Maybe. We’ll see if this comment goes through. If it does, then tantrums help. If not, that wailing/whining/sobbing/cursing sound that you’ll hear as far away as New Zealand – that’ll be me.
Elayne, worry not – these types of entries will be going nowhere. If I get the gig (highly unlikely, I think), it’ll take the place of Love and Hisses rather than these entries. So they’ll get the sweet, fuzzy kittens, Bitchypoo will still get the, uh, bitching. 🙂
Oh yeah, I forgot you have other blogs that you manage to keep up regularly. I can barely handle the one.
So now I feel a bit silly.
O GOD WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?
heh.
(Srsly, though, I didn’t mean to be beating a drum or anything – [deleted a bunch of stuff that didn’t even make sense to me – I am seriously sleep-deprived and I don’t have a good think-before-speaking-or-posting filter in any event, so just consider me the crazy-old-lady in the corner].)
Have you ever considered SAM-e? It’s a feel-good supplement that can improve you mood … (sorry, I just couldn’t resist!)
HEE – hush up, you!
This was such a great entry. Every month, I have one day where I am completely irrational and overemotional and have NO power over it. It’s like the real me is sitting in my brain behind the PMS me saying, “Erm…could you not freak about that? You’re being kind of weird” and “He’s just trying to be nice, could you stop being so nasty to him?” And the PMS me just laughs maniacally and ignores real me. It’s the weirdest feeling, and something only women can understand, I think. Anyway. Hilarious.
In other news: LOVE the sandwich thins. LOVE. We don’t even buy bread anymore! And our cat, Neko (who is Tommy’s doppelganger), always always always lays in roadkill pose. We can’t ever figure out how it’s comfortable, either, especially since he usually does it on the hardwood floor and he weighs almost 20 pounds. Who knows what those cats are thinking!?
Ollie like to sleep on the couch in that position too. Pretty funny seeing a very large long male basset hound on his back paws in the air.
Robyn, PLEASE read this entry aloud and put it up so we can all hear it! I would laugh til my face and abs hurt listening to you read this!
Oh lord do I remember PMS bitch. And yes Erin, that is *exactly* how it feels – like there is two of you occupying your brain and unfortunately the insane one is dominant and the rational you has to sit back and watch in horror.
I’m not done with it, I just put her in her place with BC pills 😉 I know, I am extremely lucky that those work in that manner for me. Not looking that gift horse in the mouth for one second. Thank you, Genetics Fairy for making my PMS Bitch controllable.
Also – do you just walk around the house with the camera strapped to your side all the time? Or do you have a camera in every room or? I ask because it seems like whenever my cats are doing anything amusing or cute, the camera is in another room or too far away to have even a chance of capturing the moment before it ends.
PMS after age 40 makes PMS before age 40 look like a carnival. Really, it’s like being possessed by some evil force.
I did some online research on that SAM-e stuff and NO WAY! The user reviews I found scared the hell out of me (and I take a lot of vitamins and supplements). The side effects sound way, way worse than any initial mood issue. Maybe it’s just me, though.
I’m done with the pms fairy but the menopause fairy is a force to be reckoned with. She has no set schedule-she just pops up when she pleases making me sweat like a pig in public places. Teenage boys were farting at the check out at the drug store and carrying on. I got in thier faces and told them what pigs they were! 4 of them 1 of me and then I had to walk out to my car alone. She makes me mouth off to strangers in a way my younger self never would have. She only appears occassionally thank God but she scares me. I made her stop beeping and flipping off strangers before I become a victim of road rage.
Oh noes!!! I’m skeered of menopause and I have a while to go yet before that makes an appearance. I’m already a psycho hose beast/weeping mess with the PMS Fairy!
One more bitch/whine-it is my 50th bday sat and 29th anniversary sunday. Can we have nice weather to go do stuff? Hell no-2 noreasters back to back. Cool CranberryFest is scheduled with no rain date! Guess that’s out. 4 years ago on our 25 th anniv. we had to go to our cousin’s daughters wedding on our weekend which had perfect gorgeous weather. The next weekend we went away to New Hope,PA-a very charming artist enclave,bohemian town on the river with fun, shops resturants, a playhouse. Lots of walking outside. It was freezing and poured all damn weekend! Waaah! No weather luck I tell you-except our wedding day which was sunny and cool and gorgeous.
Oh Robyn, thank u you so much for the giggles today 🙂 the part about the chickens being ungrateful motherfuckers was my favorite! Lol
Wow! Violet is beautiful in that picture! She looks so different already from when you got them 🙂 Of course, she was really cute then, too. My favorite.. I liked the “name”- “the friendly one”. And now they are all “the friendly one”!
The “Rage Day” sounds like it would be a good time to take a day off from most things and just slack off.. Not from the blogging though, god forbid! Then again, we the readers would not get as fun an entry, so.. Maybe you could instead use the opportunity to go to the grocery store and have a rampage with the cart? Running over all the annoying people in your way! Now THAT would be a great entry! Too bad you would get banned from the store though.. don’t pick your favorite, take the one you don’t really like anyway 🙂
(If you use my idea, I want a finders fee.. or Miz Poo.)
I seriously just got lightheaded, I laughed so hard at this. I love when you put words in the kitten’s mouth, and the leaping across the grass free from tyranny and oppression bit-HILARIOUS!!!!! I am totally printing this out, and will refer to it when I need a laugh.
PMS fairy might be a bitch, but she sure sprinkled the “write a funny, kick ass entry” dust on you!
I finally got myself and my girls some new kittens….Both of our much loved Cats passed over the summer….You would think they are still here, as much as we talk of them….But someone dropped some kittens at a bank here in town,and I stopped in and you can guess the rest! But the kittens would not purr for 2days? they do now, alot, but have you ever seen that before? they are both sweet personalities, and beautiful tabbies…..Thanks love the blog!
Ah, PMS, I remember it well. Funny how even though it happens every stinkin month, it takes a day or two to figure out why you’re crying or raging over not much. (I actually kind of enjoyed the freedom to let em have it and the hell with the repercussions, unlike the rest of the month when I had to be niiice. So freeing.
I don’t know how you keep those cute little kitties straight.
I’m always losing those end parentheses.
Ok if the PMS Fairy is visiting you then who the hell is fucking with MY DAY?!!
Funny but monthly I get really MAD/weepy/insecure and then I go “Oy, that would be the damned PMS Fairy?!” I am 43, just how LONG does it take to recognize the signs of PMS I ask? I will be menopausal by the time I freaking get the hang of it!
Thanks for the laugh this morning, all good 🙂
I was exhausted reading that and I can just picture that little shit running across the yard. PMS is indeed a bitch. She turns on like a switch all of a sudden for me and woe is the poor person who is the first to cross my path after that switch flips. I ain’t purty.
I hope there were True Blood adoptions tonight!!