Dear Peoples of the Innernets Readers:
I tried and tried to tell The Momma and The Daddy. I tried and tried to make them see that Old Scruffy Spot was getting too skinny. But Old Scruffy Skinny Spot likes to hide from peoples, and he maybe doesn’t hide so much from the Momma and Daddy peoples, but he also doesn’t go out of his way to hang with them, probably because they are human and thus below him. So even though I myself would get up on The Momma’s desk and put my butt in her face, and then run off when she yells “OH MY GOD BUDDY DID YOU JUST FART ON ME?!” and then get back up on her desk and waggle my stump at her and then run away when she yells “WHY MUST YOU PUT YOUR STUMP RIGHT THERE SO I CAN’T SEE WHAT I’M READING?!” and then get BACK up on her desk, she is so dumb that she didn’t get the very clear message that Hey! Old Scruffy Skinny Stinky Spot is getting too skinny and he spends all his Scruffy Skinny Stinky time hovering over the water bowl!
You can’t blame The Momma and The Daddy. Humans are just so stupid, that’s the way they is made. If this doesn’t say screamingly dim and crazy, I don’t know what will:
I almost took her stupid head off right then and there, I tells you. Anyway.
Old Scruffy Skinny Stinky Stupid Spot was spending all his old scruffy skinny stinky stupid time hovering over the water bowl in the upstairs bathroom or hovering in the kitchen if The Momma put so much as one toe in there, because Spot is scruffy and skinny and stinky and stupid, but he is still a CAT, and he is wily and he knows with his instincts that if The Momma is in the kitchen, sooner or later she will fondle and grope some food, and sometimes she puts food on the floor, and Spot gulps that food down before a less wily and stinky cat could even get his face near that food.
Also, Stinky Old Spot was not cleaning himself, and that to me is a big red flag and sometimes I would lick him on his head, but I have only so much licking in me, I can’t spend all my licking on Stinky Old Spot, I have to lick the others too, or they get jealous. The Momma and The Daddy are, let’s face it, very bad staff and very stupid humans, and so they would shrug and say “He does look ratty, but he’s getting elderly!”
ELDERLY!
He is not ELDERLY, he is in the prime of his life! He is SPRY! He can jump up on the guest bedroom bed and he can settle down in the cat bed in the sun and he can power nap like nobody’s business! He is OLD, but he is not ELDERLY.
The nerve.
And then a few days ago, The Daddy got a great big cluebox upside his big round stupid human head, because Old Spry Stinky Scruffy Spot was sitting on The Daddy’s desk and Old Spry Stinky Scruffy Spot would not move, even though The Daddy would say “Okay, Buddy, move!” and then he’d poke at Old Spot and Old Spot would give him The Eye and turn away like The Daddy did not exist and The Daddy would say “Buddy, come on. Daddy needs to sit there!” and Old Spot would just ignore and ignore.
By the way, I am WISE to your stupid human game of calling all the boy cats “Buddy” so you don’t have to strain your two brain cells and remember what our true names is, DADDY. Also, MOMMA.
So then The Daddy finally decided that No Cat would come between him and the ear-hurting Boogie-scaring game on the computer, and The Daddy reached down and picked up Stinky Spry Spot and The Daddy said “Holy cow. When was the last time you picked up Spot?” and The Momma said “Uh. Never?” and The Daddy said “He’s lost way too much weight. He’s way too skinny! Pick him up!” And The Momma picked him up and she made a face that made Spot’s self-esteem plummet into the basement.
HAHAHAHAHA! HA! HA! HEE! Oh, I am so funny. Like a HUMAN could ever do anything to a cat’s self-esteem even if the idiot human took a three-year course in destroying a cat’s self-esteem it could not happen because who cares what humans think? I are the funniest! Stupid humans.
Anyways, The Momma was all “Ew! And he feels all greasy. I think he maybe has stopped grooming completely, he’s not even trying!” So I jumped up on her desk and put my stump in her face and did a little victory waggle because HELLO! Did I not try to tell her that one hundred thousand times before? Whycome does she never LISTEN to me?
Last night, The Daddy got home from work and he picked up Old Stinky Smelly Spry Spot and put him in my nap box, and then he closed the top of my nap place, and Spry Stinky Scruffy Spot yelled “Hey! Not funny! Let me out!” and then The Daddy took him out the door to the outside, not the outside where I get to go when I have my zappin’ collar on, but the other outside, where I never get to go because THEY HATE ME and there are more birds and squirrels there than in the best Cat Paradise, and they want me to starve to death.
Some time went by, I know it was at least two naps and maybe a snack, but it wasn’t dark out, which meant it wasn’t time for me to race around the house as loud as I could, yelling war cries at Miz Poo and Sugarbutt and Tommy and Miss Stank and those other two who don’t belong here, so I have to show them who the boss is (answer: ME), so what was I saying? Oh, time passed and then The Daddy brought Spot home, and I waited and waited for The Daddy to let Spot out of my nap box so I could sniff him over and decide he smelled like The Scary Place Where They Always Put Something Up Your Butt and pretend I didn’t know him and smack him and chase him around and yell my war cry at him, but The Daddy and The Mommy had a conversation first.
“Blah blah blah blah!” said The Momma.
“Blah blah pretty sick,” said The Daddy.
“Blah?”
“Blah blah pancreatitis, blah blah kidneys, blah blah thyroid.”
“Blah?”
“Blah blah blah three weeks blah blah. Blah blah this medicine blah blah that medicine blah blah thyroid medicine FOREVER.”
“Blah?”
“Oh,” said The Daddy, “Blah blah see him again in three weeks.”
So The Momma ran upstairs and dumped fresh litter into a clean litter box – for Stupid Stinky Smelly Spry Old Spot! Fresh litter! He wouldn’t notice if she put six-week-used never-cleaned litter in a box for his Stupid Spry self! – and put food and water bowls in the guest bedroom and The Daddy came upstairs with Stupid Skinny Spot in my nap box, and then he picked me up and put me OUT of the guest bedroom and said “Get out, dummy”, which is his special love name for me, and then they shut the door with Stupid Stinky Spry Old Spot inside the room and the rest of us outside the room, and is that fair? (Answer: NO)
And then, before Snackin’ Time, The Daddy went upstairs and spent some time with Stinky Scruffy Spot and then he came downstairs and then went BACK upstairs and spent MORE time with Smelly Old Spot, and then I got a little nervous, because everyone knows that I am King of This House, and why should The Daddy spend so much time with Stupid Old Scared Spot, who only wants to be alone, unless Stupid Stanky Spot is planning on making a bid for the ruling position?
The Momma FINALLY did the Snackin’ Time call, and The Daddy said “Do it quietly, we don’t want Spot to hear!”, and then I waggled my stump, because it became clear to me that Stupid Stanky Spot was actually going to move DOWN the Ladder of Importance to the very bottom where he BELONGS (because all cats who are not me belong on the bottom rung of the Ladder of Importance), and The Daddy just felt bad for him.
We were all eating our Snackin’ Time, and Miss Stank was moving from her plate to mine BECAUSE SHE IS A PIG when The Daddy said “What if we let Spot out of the room and we just fed them all the special food?” and The Momma said “Okay.” and The Daddy went up and let Stupid Stinky Spot out of the room and Stupid Old Spot came sauntering down the stairs like he was the KING OF EVERYTHING
(HE IS NOT. I AM.)
and he sniffed around our Snackin’ Time and The Daddy said “Make sure he doesn’t eat any of that!” and The Mommy stood over Smelly Old Spry Spot and wouldn’t let him eat any of it, and I waggled my stump with glee. And then they emptied our food out of our food bowls and filled it with new stuff, and I had to bite Sugarbutt on the back of his neck because he was between me and the New! Food! and he forgets that I am his Lord and Ruler sometimes, because he’s just a stupid orange happy dumb purring kitty.
So then The Momma and The Daddy were sitting in front of the loud box that scares me sometimes (Booger don’t like loud bass) and The Momma said words that sent chills down my stump.
“We could just suspend Snackin’ Time until Spot can go back to regular food,” she said.
And then The Daddy said words that sent chills down my stump AGAIN.
“Yeah, we should,” he said.
Peoples of the Innernets Readers, I throw myself upon your mercy. If there is ANY way you can come get me and bring me to your home where I can be king of the castle and I can have Snackin’ Time (preferably twice a day) and you will love and treasure and appreciate me THE WAY THESE HATEFUL PEOPLES CLEARLY DO NOT, I will be waiting on the cement pad, bitching at the chickens and giving Tommy and Sugarbutt the occasional smack because they need it to keep them in line. Who will keep them in line when I am gone? I don’t know.
I don’t know who will take over my job here as King of Everything, but in a world where there is no Snackin’ Time, I do not care. I am overworked and unappreciated, and it is time for me to move along to greener pastures where I will be properly worshiped.
Come when you can. I’ll be waiting.
Sincerely,
Mister Stanley J. Boogerton, Esquire.
__________________________
Edited to add: Spot was diagnosed with pancreatitis, his kidneys weren’t working right, and he’s got an underactive thyroid. The vet says that with the medication and special food, he should recover (though he’ll be on the thyroid medication for the rest of his life). He seems to be feeling better, though with Spot it’s kind of hard to tell – he didn’t seem like he was feeling sick to start with, and if we hadn’t realized how thin he’d gotten (7 1/2 pounds), I shudder to think what would have happened. Poor Spot.
We feel like evil cat abusers for not realizing how ill he’d gotten, but when a cat spends all his time avoiding people – and all his time when he’s around people looking very happy and purring as loudly as possible – it’s not something you notice. Hopefully the fact that he’s suddenly getting all kinds of attention from us won’t stress him out too badly!
Previously 2007: I suspect this behavior will not go over well with the ass-showing Mister Boogers. 2006: Things you may not know about me. 2005: No entry. 2004: I put too much perfume on this morning and now I’m sitting here with the stank rays shooting off me in every direction. 2003: And on the way home, he recounted, word-for-word a conversation he, his doctor, and I had had, only he substituted the nurse for me, and had her saying what I’d said. 2002: Ever hear of “Shut up, Junior, that’s rude, and the next time you say it, you’re going to your room for the rest of the day”? 2001: I’m such a ditz sometimes 2000: I’ve turned into such an old lady.]]>
Uh oh. Booger het aside, what’s Spot’s prognosis?
The vet says he can be made better with medicine and a special diet (he’ll be on the thyroid medication for the rest of his life). He already seems to be feeling better, though whether he really does or we’re just hoping he does, it’s anyone’s guess!
Hope Spot makes a full recovery. {{hugs}}
Awwwww So how is SPot this morning? Will he recover from what he has???
And Boog you just gonna have to live with it for a few weeks LOL
Oh gosh – I hope Spot’s ok. No Snackin’ Time? Watch your back!
Sending good thoughts to Spot.
My 13.5-year-old cat Einstein had similar symptoms not too long ago, and he is also now on thyroid medicine, and he has perked right up and gained some weight. 🙂
OMG Robyn. This cracked me up.
Hope Spot gets better quickly.
awww, poor Spot. Hope he’s able to get in on The Snackin’ Time soon, and that he’s feeling better.
Robyn, I hope Spot feels better soon!
I’m not worried about the cats – what will Momma do with all that spare time that she has now that Snackin’ Time is suspended?? My cats would welcome a visit by the Snackin’ Time Queen!!
Hope Spot’s feeling better soon. Poor scruffy guy. 🙁
Mister Boogers should write more guest entries for you. Clearly, he has writing talent!
Aww I hope Spot feels better soon.
I hope Spot feels better soon!
Poor Spot, I hope he gets better real soon!! 🙁
Booger can come to my house for some snackies! Although he’ll have to fight a big fat, wheezing calico for his share. 😉
Poor guy! I hope he’s back to feeling better soon.
When you were describing his symptoms, I thought it sounded a lot like what happened to my orange cat Indi – but he turned out to be diabetic. He’s been getting insulin shots twice a day for a little over 4 years now and you wouldn’t know he had been so sick at one time. Since he is so fluffy we didn’t notice the weight loss right off the bat, it was the “greasy” fur that clued us in.
Anyway, I hope everyone is in good health at the Anderson house now!
Poor old buddy…get well soon Spot!
Dear Spot,
Please quit freaking Daddy and Mommy out. They are not young people and their tickers are not what they used to be. Also, it would be nice if you didn’t freak out random people on the internet (like me) because I always read Mommy’s blog first thing and as I am known to be emotionally frail until I’ve had coffee, I end up looking really foolish for getting upset because a CAT I KNOW FROM THE INTERNET is sick.
Thanks ever so,
Me
Oh, poor Spot. I hope he feels better soon. I have been told that cats will purr when they’re sick or hurt sometimes.
We thought my 20 year old cat might be diabetic (drinking lots of water). We didn’t consider pancreatitis and kidney issues. Well, we did, but the vet stood there, took her temperature, scratched his head (and hers), and said, “It could be her liver, kidneys, or heart but I can’t hear a thing because she’s purring too loudly and I can’t get her to stop.” Who knew she’d like having her temperature taken (and you know how they take their temperature).
It turned out to be constipation and hairballs. She now gets the evil Laxatone every two days (apparently she didn’t get the memo that cats are supposed to like malt). Now she is greasy, but from the malt stuff because after having the malt shoved down her throat, she must go and LICK HERSELF CLEAN. So she gets a bath once a month.
I’m sending good vibes for Spot and I agree with the other reader who suggested that Stanley should be allowed to write any entry every now and then.
Don’t feel bad, Robyn and Fred. It’s hard to keep track of all of them and whether or not they’re sick and losing weight. Especially the ones, like Spot, who spend most of their time lounging in a room away from humans all day.
When you saw he was sick, you did what you could then, which is more than a lot of people would have done (or even would have noticed their animal was sick).
Poor Spot…I hope he feels better soon.
(And poor Mister Boogers. I love the picture right after he hears about the Snackin’ time suspension.)
Poor Spot. I hope he is feeling better soon.
Spot not being well aside, that was a wickedly awesome funny post. I don’t know how you come up with that stuff! Hilarious. And I hope Spot gets well very soon.
OMG! When I first started reading this, my eyes filled with tears and they kept rolling down my face the whole time because I thought this was the end of poor Spot and this was your way of telling us. I AM SO RELIEVED!! I love the kitties as much as you and Fred do. My kitty is now 15 and I know her time could come any day (hopefully at least another 5 years or more from now) But I’m so glad he will be okay. Jeez, don’t scare me like this again! Well, at least I had a good cry. Okay, I feel better now.
Oh man, bummer. I’ve been taking my greasy old cat to the vet semi-annually now for thyroid tests and they always come back “within the range of normal” although I KNOW something is wrong with him. I keep trying to get him to pee in the special plastic litter for the kidney test, but he is SO NOT HAVING IT, and so I think we’ll have to needle him, which sucks.
Anyway, love to you and yours. Tell Boogs he is still king shit of turd mountain in my eyes. Kisses and Pill Pockets for Mr. Spot and his thyroid meds. We use the pill pockets at the shelter for our thyroid cat, they are like a miracle. Pilling cats has never been easier. xoxoxo
Patty, I’m sorry I scared you. I promise that when Spot’s time comes, I’ll tell you all myself instead of letting the heartless Mister Boogers do it!
Get well wishes for Spot. You’re not bad pet parents. I work at a shelter. Trust me, I know bad pet parents.
Poor Mr. Booger! I would come get you, but we don’t do Snackin’ Time at our house and anyway, we already have a King of the World and seeing as how he weighs 16 pounds, I’m afraid he could enforce it. Also, we have a mommy cat and tiny babies here and I think the mommy would object to having even more full-grown cats in the house. I hope you find a new good home soon, though!(g)
nicole- instead of shoving the laxatone down her throat, just shmear a big glob on her foot. then she’ll have no choice but to lick it off.
I hope Spot recovers quickly. That Mister Boogers will get you for no Snackin’ Time, so I would advise you not to close your eyes while you sleep.
Get well soon, Spot!
It was time anyway, wasn’t it? It’s been a while since you had to medicate one of your felines.
Are there any Spot-friendly snacks that the cats can be fed so that snackin’ time doesn’t have to be suspended? Because, really, I fear for your continued well-being once all the cats twig to the new situation. Or maybe they’ll gang up on Spot.
Poor guy! I hope he feels better soon. How old is he, anyway?
Sharon: No choice but to lick it off… OR to shake the paw madly to dislodge the offending substance, thereby spattering it on the walls, carpet, furniture, people, windows, and anything else within a fifteen foot range, then running three-legged through the house to find the most expensive, least washable item of furniture or clothing available on which to roll and twist and squirm until the rest of it comes off, managing to evade capture the whole time, and THEN to lick the paw where medicine once was and demand a treat, and *THEN* to go piss on something to show you what’s what.
Robyn, remember the “Frerectile dysfunction” thing? Wait till you see what *else* I did (blog entry).
Our poor kitty would not eat the “special food”. She got down to four pounds. Now she is six pounds; looks much better – except she meows all the time. Our kitty fights against pills so the vet prescribed a gel made of people thyroid and we put it on her inner ears twice a day. Does Spot get pills or something else?
I am so glad that Spot will get better. We lost our oldest cat on the Saturday after Christmas. She was 21 and had a great life with us. She has lived all over the country and traveled to two foreign countries. She had her own room the last couple of years complete with a nice cat bed and her own space heater for cold nights. This was so the younger cats and dogs would not bother her at night or eat her soft cat food, she only had one tooth the last several year. My mother swears we took better care of the cat in her old age than we will take of her.
I think ALL the kitties should write guest entries over the next couple weeks!
I’d love to hear what Newt has to say about being called “one of the cats who aren’t ours.” Miss Maxi, too.
Spot – Best wishes for a quick turn around. You can do it!!
Mr. Boogers – I’ll be by this weekend. I think you’ll enjoy dominating my three sassy lady cats, and we have snackin’ time twice daily. There’s also a dog for you to abuse.
Robin – Try not to feel guilty. You did what you could as soon as you could and I’m sure Spot will recover! Also, you can put your gun away. I’m not really coming to get Mr. Boogers this weekend.
Dear Mr. Stanley, If I weren’t so allergic to little kitties, I would come and get you immediately; however, that is impossible, so you must stay where you are and try to be nice to Spot. Snack Time will return soon!
elayne!!! You are the one who has been coaching our big beautitul very hairy Harriet! That’s exactly what she does with the malt stuff on her paw. plus she also rubbs the paw with the stuff on it all over her body trying to get it off making a huge mess of her long fur.
Poor scruffy old Spot. He sure doesn’t look that thin in the picture, it must be because he is so fluffy.
But suspending snacktime?????Mr B will explain to the rest of them whose fault it is. Poor Spot! Couldn’t one of you have snack time and the other one entertain Spot while the snacking is going on?
Pat
You scared me there for a sec. I can’t believe you guys are putting Spot in from of Mr. Boogers. That is outrageous. He must rule his throne. Oh how I believe this. My first cat Lucy rules our house. She even has her own bedroom because she is bad. She used to bite the other cats on the butt till they cried and she chewed, seriouly over 20 phone cords in to. My crew is booger (he is a little slow/shy), Oscar(Fat,Love,whore-no loyalty he takes the lovin wherever he can get it) and Lucy (the evil one). She even goes through my purse. At one point I had my phone line tapes across the ceiling so she couldn’t bite it:):) I hope spot gets back in the groove real soon.
Take Care
Robyn! Jesus.
Pacer: ha! I felt totally guilty with that last comment like I’d done something wrong before I understood it. Heh!
Aww, poor Spot! My Mousehole had pancreatitics last year, but she’s all better, thank goodness! She wasn’t a very good “piller” though, so the ordeal was more difficult than it should be.
Feel better, Spot!
Booger, back off. Give Spot some sympathy!
And no, you cannot come live here. Besides being allergic to you I fear I too would become a crazy cat lady like one of your persons. Yeah, the one that talks to you in that high pitched voice! (Just guessin’ 😉
Hoping Spot is feeling better very soon so you get your snackin’ time back. In the meantime be nice!
(See? That crazy cat woman has me writing to a frigging cat!)
Poor Spot. But cats can get sick and lose weight so fast it can be easy to miss.
But anyway, Boog, you can just mosey on up to New York State and move in here and be king of the hill. As long as you don’t mind snow.
Robyn: on entries like this you should have a preamble stating that nobody died, ok? It is not ok to scare people like that…:)
Anyhow, we have one cat with cronic kidney failure, and another one that had gastritis last spring. The result was that we bought a used baby scale and now we weigh them every week. That really makes it easy to catch on to things like that. I know that I got really freaked out when our big boy got gastritis and we after about a month figured out that he had lost about 2 pounds. We got an appointment with the vet very fast, I can tell you that!
Karin
That was adorable. Each of my four cats as a “voice,” all variations of Eric Cartman’s tone. Stanley J. Boogerton, dignified feline that he is, would think my cats were total troglodytes.
Nicole- My male cat enjoyed having his temp taken too. The vet slid the thermometer in and he started to purr and arch his back- oh my gawd I was mortified! This is the same cat who liked getting a good hard spanking at least once a day. The harder you hit him on the butt the better he liked it. I miss that boy.
Now I have a 6 month old Newt-a-like (Murphy) and he has me laughing all the time. When I shower he sits between the inner curtain and the tub wall- actually INSIDE the bathtub. When I turn the water off he rolls around in the tub and tries to scarf down the wad of hair that is in the drain every morning because I have a metric TON of hair and I shed like crazy. I have pulled that hair out of his gullet before- talk about horking up a hairball!
Glad Spot has been diagnosed.